The Fire and The Flame
by Winfan2
Summary: Matt Casey did get his wish to be a father ten years ago. But with all the drama surrounding the latest devastating fire Kyle, has decided to turn his father's life upside down. Meet the younger Casey and all that he has to offer House 51.
1. Chapter 1

The Fire and the Flame

Kyle sat and stared at the words on the screen. As his thumb hovered over the send button he took a deep breath and held one last debate in his head. He had planned this for weeks and the time was finally here. He was going to be in trouble either way. He was too far to make it home before dark and his lie of being at the neighbors would soon evaporate as well. So with only a slight hesitation he mashed his thumb down sending the message on its way and along with it he was sending a father into a night of hell. He then turned his phone off and shoved it in his back pocket and began to enjoy the Chicago night that surrounded him.

Matt Casey stood up and stretched. He had nearly dozed off at the table as he went over some plans for a construction job he was considering putting a bid on. It wasn't that big but was worth the effort and he could stand to make some nice pocket change that the family could really use. Kyle wanted a new baseball bat for the upcoming season and then after that would be new soccer cleats and then the grand poohbah of sports expenses would be new hockey gear. Plus his school tuition always seemed to be due. He looked out the window to see that it was nearly dark and hoped his expense incurring son had come home while he was in his mild stupor. But before he could call out to him his phone chimed announcing an incoming text. He picked up the phone and was happy to see it was from his son but the message he saw at first confused him, then it terrified him.

"What's wrong babe?" Gabby asked noticing the look on Matt's face as she came into the room and set a glass in the sink.

Matt had already pressed the phone icon in an effort to reach his son and demand an explanation as to not only what his message meant but also to his whereabouts as he was now officially late.

"Dammit, straight to voice mail." Gabby looked over questioningly. "Kyle sent me this cryptic message and he's late and his phone seems to be off."

"Let me try," she said pulling her phone out from her pocket.

"If his phone is off then it won't matter who calls him." Matt snapped.

"I know, but sometimes there's a glitch or something," she said as her call went straight to voicemail. "What's the message?" She asked.

"It says, 'I'll be fine. Don't worry.'"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Gabby wondered out loud.

"I have no idea." Matt said as he moved to the front door and looked up and down the block. "I really don't even know if he sent this message. I mean, anybody could have used his phone. Where the hell is he?"

"He said he was going to Danny's." She explained speaking of the boy who lived one block over.

"Yeah, but it's sunset and I know they have already started their Sabbath routine. There is no way he's still there. And he knows he is supposed be home by dark. I'm going to walk down there and see what time he left or if he even showed up at all."

"The message was probably for someone else and he'll be home in a minute." Gabby said.

Except it wasn't and he wouldn't be.

Kyle stood in front of the Children's Museum and stared at his reflection, a reflection that looked much like his father, same blue eyes and golden brown hair. He stood and recounted the many days he had spent there with his father and the many more days he had spent there with Kelly Severide, his godfather and surrogate uncle. Even when his mother and father had been together Matt had always been his primary care giver. His mother had always been studying or working. Having Kelly in his life helped ease her absence. Now she was gone for good and despite her career oriented ways he still missed her presence. Her death had been sudden and unexpected. Kyle had always hoped that one day her demanding schedule would release her allowing her to become the mother that he had wanted her to be.

The truth of her death was part of the reason for what was happening this night, which along with a recent near death experience and a now iconic picture had pushed Kyle over the edge. It had been brewing for years, it was only now that he had a plan he was old enough to put into place. It had all come to a head a few weeks ago and there was no way he was going to just pretend it never happened. Something his father was very good at.

Within two hours after Matt got the strange text from his son, the entire shift was standing in his living room along with Antonio and even Hank Voight. "Who called him?" Matt asked his chin jutting out towards the Sergeant.

"I did," Antonio replied. "I know you two have a history, but the man is good at his job. I think you are well aware of that. You want him on the team."

Matt knew his brother-in-law was right but it still irked him. Chief Boden was sending the guys out in different directions to cover as much as the city as they could. He then assured his lieutenant that they would find Kyle. "He might be your son, but he's our boy too," the Chief stated before he turned and walked out the front door.

"Patrol has his picture and is actively looking as well. We'll find him Matt. I think he's up to something and he has some kind of evil plan to make you crawl out of your skin. I know you've been through a lot, that he's been through a lot. But that doesn't mean we aren't taking this seriously." Antonio promised.

"Thanks Antonio," Matt said with a nod as Gabby walked her brother to the door.

"I think Antonio is right. I think he's being a little shit and is doing this just to totally freak you out. And me as well," Kelly said with a sigh. Matt managed another nod, his eyes tearing up. "Hey, we'll find him or what I think is that once it starts to get late and businesses close, he'll decide this isn't fun anymore and he'll come home. And when he does you need to blister his butt and if you don't I will."

"Yeah," Matt said as he pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to rein in his emotions.

"Alright, I'm heading out. I'm going to check out Lincoln Park. Keep your phone close." Kelly stated.

"In my hands at all times." Matt replied.

It was getting late and the Pier was closing. Kyle needed to move on and find somewhere else to hangout. He figured he could work his way into the nearby movie theater that had late showing. As he walked he reflected back to the event that pushed him to make this night happen. It had started just like every other day, with his dad barking at him hurry up and taking his time sucking phone away before he missed his ride to school. Everything was normal, until the instant it wasn't.

He had been half paying attention in Mrs. Farber's history class, staring out the window more than actually listening. It was shift day and he hated shift day. He always just seemed to drift on those days, it was if he was unanchored and distant unable to reel himself into the present moment. He rarely shared the fact that his father was Chicago Firefighter, especially in his pretentious white collar school; an ecosystem of elitists. He made it in on a scholarship due to his grades and singing voice that landed him in the school choir whether he wanted to be or not. But his father still paid pretty high tuition bills nonetheless. Actually a lot of the kids were pretty cool, but there were plenty who felt that they were superior in every way. Kyle was never quite sure where he fit in or if he wanted to fit in at all.

He wasn't ashamed of what his father did, he was actually immensely proud, but he preferred not share any more of his personal life than necessary. It was as if he was afraid that he would jinx his father if shared his profession with the masses. There were a select few that knew of his father's career choice and thought it was awesome. Kyle had never thought it was awesome. He admired the bravery of every first responder but hated the fact that his father was one. He had known loss too closely to get excited about his father rushing into a burning building. He knew that some that went on shift never came off. He also had memories of sitting in a hospital waiting room hoping his father would survive the head injury he had incurred when he went back to save a baby. He had seen up close and personal the very thin line between life and death. Hell his mother had been a doctor, a relatively safe occupation and had ended up dead so what did that mean for a man who cheated death every third day.

As his teacher droned on about mastermind behind the Trojan Horse he saw his phone light up indicating an incoming text message from his friend Jeff. Jeff's father was the head of maintenance at a local skyscraper, and thus, like Kyle not in the exclusive group of those who basked in the glory of their independently wealthy parents. Jeff knew Matt was a fireman and what house he served in.

 _Dude, major fire, firefighters trapped._

 _How do you know?_ Kyle typed back.

 _News and social media. Home sick. It's house 51._

Kyle's heart dropped into his stomach as he stared at his phone. Firefighters trapped were words no family member ever wanted to hear.

 _You know where I live. Get here, take my bike. If you go fast you can get there in ten minutes._

Kyle made it in eight. He had just jumped up from his desk and rushed out of the classroom leaving a stunned group of students and teacher behind. He hurried down the hallway and ran all the way to Jeff's apartment where he was waiting with his bike and well wishes.

He saw the barricade as soon as he was close and dropped the bike, allowing it to crash to the ground beside him. There was police officer watching the crowd and keeping them behind the makeshift barrier. Kyle strained to see but couldn't get a great look due to the distance, fire trucks and ambulance in the way. He hated to place his burden on anyone else but he prayed that Jeff had misunderstood and this wasn't 51's fight.

There was a photojournalist standing next to him with a lens that reminded Kyle of the camera's he would see at Wrigley Field snapping shots of the players from across the diamond. "Can I see," he asked. "Please."

The photographer nodded and held the weight of the lens as Kyle peered at the screen, shielding it from the sun. What he saw broke his heart and he knew he couldn't stay on the sidelines.

"It's my dad's truck. I think he's in there." The boy gasped.

"Are you sure?" The camera man asked.

Kyle nodded. "His wife, a paramedic, is crying and I didn't see him. I saw the Chief, I saw Cruz, but not my father. He would be first in. He's in there, I'm sure. I have to go, I have to find him."

They both looked down towards the police officer who was about six feet away. "I'll distract him and then you run." The photographer hoped his assistance would pay off as there is nothing more heart wrenching than a terrified child at the scene of a disaster.

Kyle quickly agreed and as soon as the cop's attention was diverted he took off. His legs, strengthened by many a soccer and hockey game, launched him to the center of all the activity before too many caught on.

It was Gabby who saw him first. "Kyle, how, what are you doing here?" she stumbled. Her tears still flowing.

"Is he in there?" Kyle yelled.

Gabby could only nod. She grabbed her mic and pulled it from her shirt. "Matt, Matt, Kyle is here."

At first Matt didn't think he had understood correctly but before he could question it his son's voice came over the radio. "Dad, are you okay?"

"I'm okay son." Matt decided not to split hairs as to why his son wasn't in school and how the hell he had found out what had been going on.

"Then what's going on? They said you guys are trapped. Where is everyone? Why can't you get out?"

"It's just a little dicey in here right now, but we're working on it."

"You can't give up. You can't!" Kyle pleaded.

"Listen to me son."

"No," Kyle yelled. "Tell me when you come out."

"Listen. I need to talk to you now. You know how much I love you. God, I love you so much." He began, his voice quivering with the effort. "You have always been my buddy, my right hand man. I have been so blessed to have you."

"Then don't leave me, you can't leave me!" Kyle yelled into the mic as it was becoming clear to him that his father and the others were indeed trapped with no options of escape left. "You always tell me not to worry that you'll be alright. You promised me! You have to be alright!"

Matt was so choked up he couldn't even answer, his fight not to sob lost as he cried out. "Dad you can't give up!" Kyle repeated. But he was only met with silence.

Chief Boden who had been standing nearby was coming to the conclusion that he was going to have to make a decision that held only hope and a prayer. He was teetering on the brink of that choice when Kyle dropped the mic and ran towards the building. Boden took a few giant steps forward and grabbed the youngster, his legs and arms flailing as he reached for his father who was all but dead.

Holding this desperate and anguish filled child Chief knew his only option was to try. Yet he still hesitated until Kyle cried out, his voice so twisted it only came out as a guttural cry. "Get ready for the water cannons. Cover yourselves up," he ordered his men as Cruz looked on in disbelief.

Kelly sat down on a bench in the park. With Kyle's school nearby as well as the zoo where they were frequent visitors he had hoped it would have pulled the youngster into its familiarity. In fact as he sat and scrolled through his phone it didn't take long to find one of his favorite pictures that had been taken on the other side of the gate only a year ago. It showed Matt pointing to something in the distance as Kyle followed his father's finger with an intent gaze. It was great candid shot that also showed Matt's adoration of his son as he looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

Kelly had to hold onto the hope that Kyle was playing some kind of pissed off preteen plot. He knew the close call that the house had taken a couple of weeks ago had hit him hard and he had been acting out ever since. Perhaps this was the cherry on top. It had to be, he couldn't accept anything else. The thought of losing this kid made his whole body shake with emotion.

He and Kyle had been close since the kid could walk and talk. He smiled as he recalled the days when he was called Unca Kelwy. By the time Kyle was three he could pronounce Kelly properly and at the mature age of nine he dropped the title of uncle. But they were as tight as ever.

Kelly knew the burden of childcare had always fallen squarely on Matt's shoulders and his friend in no way minded the responsibility. Matt embraced fatherhood, but it still held difficulties between twenty-four shifts and his contracting business. So one night when Hallie was buried in books and studying for some exam while Matt had a job to finish, Kelly had stepped up and helped out, and the rest as they say is history.

After seeing quite a bond form and Kelly's clear devotion towards his son Matt had pulled him aside and asked if he would act as Kyle's godparent. He, of course said yes and he couldn't bear the thought of not having this kid in his life.

He wasn't sure if he would have survived Shay's death or Anna's for that matter if it hadn't been for Kyle. Sure he lost his mind for a while, but when he was about to totally spiral out of control it had been an innocent text from an eight year old begging him to come over and finish a board game that snapped him out of it. And when his pseudo marriage broke up it had once again been this tiny human being who never let a night go by without climbing into his lap with a book or getting a game out to play. Kyle always gave him a reason to smile; to give him simple companionship without judgement.

When he lost Anna, he felt so broken, but once again his stabilizing force was a young man who knew just when to push his presence and when to back off. He knew that no matter what Kyle would be there for him in his quiet and unassuming way. Yes, he had picked up some old habits much to the dismay of the youngster who just sighed and shook his head. But even with that disappointment the boy never let go. He could be counted on far more than so many others two and three times his age.

Despite his and Casey's occasional run-in's, differences of opinions and well—all out warfare, Matt never kept Kyle from him or badmouthed Kelly in any way. He had to find this kid, for Matt, for himself and for Kyle. Sure it was an obnoxious thing to do, take off without caring what he did to those he loved. But what if, just what if, he had sent the text under duress trying to throw everyone off or what if he hadn't been the one to send the text at all. With one last look at the picture he stood up and renewed his search.


	2. I'm Tired, You're Angry

Kyle was heading out to Grand Street when he looked over and saw Otis in the throng. He appeared to be scanning the crowd. The boy flipped his hood up and slid over to the other side of a large group going his way. Otis could be there on his own, but he didn't appear to be in relaxed or fun mood that an evening on the town would bring. He appeared to be searching for someone, to be searching for him.

Kyle couldn't believe it hadn't occurred to him that his father would call in reinforcements. Of course he would call the guys. He would ask them if they had seen him or heard from him. If Otis was out looking, then Kyle was certain, Kelly and the Chief were too. And Gabby had probably called Antonio as well. He shook his head at his own stupidity. Not only was he going to be in trouble with his dad, but there would be a line of people waiting to yell at him. Maybe he should just call it a day and go home. But as he toiled with this thought he looked over in the window of a business he was passing and saw the picture taped to the inside of the window. That damn picture, no doubt taken that day by the friendly photographer with the monster lens. There had even been talk of a Pulitzer. It had been on the front page of every Chicago paper, large and small and was also rumored to possibly be published in both Life and Time magazines. Television stations all over Chicago and even some from New York had called wanting to interview the father and son. But when Kyle declined Matt told them all that they would pass on the opportunity.

The photo showed Chief Boden holding Kyle who was reaching in desperation at the building that was holding his father as well as the others hostage. The boy's face stated it all in a rare and pure display of horror. People loved a tragedy and when it could be so boldly displayed on the face of young and unassuming child it would be lapped up even more. An expression of fear, desperation and trepidation painted so well on such an angelic canvas could only pull people into the moment. But it wasn't just the picture that had shocked Kyle it had been the information that had come with it.

 **"** **Have you ever told Kyle** the truth about Hallie's death?" Kelly had asked as he tossed the paper down on the kitchen table the morning after the fire that nearly took their lives. Matt looked over, his eyes questioning. "Look at the picture," Kelly instructed.

"Oh my God. This must have been just before Chief ordered the water cannons." Matt stated.

"Yep. Your kid is probably the reason why. But read the article. They really play it up. They found out who Kyle is, who you are, and the fact that his mother was murdered."

"Shit," Matt said quietly as he looked back towards his sons closed bedroom door where the boy was still sleeping.

"You never told him did you? The truth about Hallie's death?"

"No. I mean it was hard enough to tell a six year old that his mother had just died, much less that she was murdered. I just told him she had died in the fire."

"And it hasn't come up since?" Kelly questioned.

"Why would it?"

"Google dude. What if he looked into it himself? I mean he would probably much rather hear it from you than a computer screen.

"It's not exactly an easy topic."

"I know but—but."

"But what?"

"You have a tendency to just shove things aside and pretend they aren't problems. This is going to be a problem. I mean, this is a hot topic and if he doesn't read the article himself, tons of people he knows will. It's going to come up. You need to talk to him. Tell him the truth."

 **And Matt tried.** But every time he sat Kyle down and broached the subject that Hallie had been killed prior to the fire they were interrupted by someone stopping by to see how both Matt and Kyle were doing. Matt knew most were well-meaning but he suspected some showed up out of some kind of morbid curiosity and a desire to share the encounter around the water cooler the next day. But in the end Kyle did find out on his own and it fueled his already angry psyche.

 **Kyle stared at the picture** for a few minutes and couldn't believe the city hadn't moved on to something else. But many said it showed the bravery of not only Chicago Fire Department, but the sacrifices of their families. Kyle knew all about the sacrifices and now thanks to this legendary picture everyone he had ever come in contact with knew as well. And they also knew so much more.

He pulled the small piece of paper out of his pocket and looked at it again. He had read it so many times it was almost too crumpled to be legible, creases crossing every which way, blurring the letters. It had been given to him by a girl that lived a few blocks away from him that he had befriended earlier that year when they had bumped into each other at the park. She had said the lyrics were from a song she had liked called Little One by Highly Suspect and she thought that they seemed to fit. Hannah seemed to have the ability to see right through him.

 _I'm cornered in fire so break out the secrets_

 _I hope you know that you were worth it all along_

 _I'm tired, you're angry, and everyone looks blurry_

 _I love you, I'm leaving; so long_

 _Hey, little one_

 _I'm so scared of what this could have been_

 _I know that today I lost my only friend_

 _My little one_

And the words were right. He was angry. Sure his father promised to always come back. But words were hollow when they held no real meaning. Promises were for fools.

He looked at the movie posters and hoped there was something playing that wasn't PG-13 or above. He didn't really care what he saw, but needed to get off the streets for a couple of hours. He noticed The Lego movie was playing even though it had started fifteen minutes ago it would work just fine. Kyle passed by a gentleman right in front of the theater who was deep in a serious conversation something about lies and misunderstandings.

"One ticket to the Lego movie," Kyle told the woman at the counter.

"Are you alone?" She asked looking around.

"My dad got a phone call just before we came in. He works all the time. It was our weekend and he promised but—well, just look," Kyle pointed to the man outside whose arms were now flailing around. "He told me to come inside and get my ticket since we were already late. He'll be in when his phone call is over." Kyle finished proud of his lying skills. He generally wasn't a good liar as his father would get that pinched look on his face whenever Kyle would try and pull a fast one and tell him to try again this time using the truth.

"Okay, then. Go ahead and enjoy," she said as she handed him back his change and the movie ticket.

Matt heard a soft knock at the door around 2:00 a.m. He jumped up and ran to the door but was visibly disappointed to see Hank Voight standing out there. Nonetheless he opened the door and motioned for him to come inside. Gabby who had dozed off, her phone still in her hand stretched and stood up. "I can't believe I fell asleep."

"Any news from anyone?" Voight asked.

"Nothing. No sightings," she answered as she checked her phone.

They guys had kept in touch with Gabby instead of repeatedly disappointing Matt.

"He came to see me," Voight stated.

"What? When!?" Matt demanded.

"A week, ten days ago."

"And you didn't think to tell me?"

"I did think it, but decided to honor his request of keeping it between to the two of us. I had hoped that our conversation would help him move forward. And maybe it did, maybe that's why he took this step. I really believe that he is doing this to royally piss you off. To prove some kind of point. He's an angry kid Casey."

Matt just ran his hand through his hair and took a few steps to his right and then circled back to where Voight was standing. "Are you looking for him?"

"Of course we are. And we won't stop. This my city and I'll turn her upside down and shake until your son falls out."

"Why did he come to you?" Gabby asked as Matt still appeared to be in some kind of shocked state.

"He wanted to know the what, why and how of his mother's murder."

 **"** **I need to speak with Hank Voight** ," Kyle said matter-of-factly as he marched up to the desk.

"Oh you do, do you?" The desk sergeant asked. Kyle had specifically waited until Trudy was off. He didn't need her recognizing him and telling Mouch.

"I do and I have every right to."

"Okay kid. What's your name?"

Before Kyle could answer he heard his name uttered by none other than Voight himself. "Kyle Casey is that you?"

"We need to talk. Now."

"Why of course. Follow me back to my office. Now what can I do for you?" Voight asked as he leaned against his desk once they had arrived.

"Who killed my mother? Hallie Thomas."

Voight took a moment, turned his head and blinked back the difficult and loaded question. "I remember her name."

"I read in the paper that she was murdered. That she was dead before the fire."

"I take it your father never told you the details of her death?"

"No, only that she had died in a fire. I have spent the last week researching and now I want answers from the man that knows the whole story."

"Have you asked your father?"

"I'm asking you."

"Okay," Hank said as he picked up the front page of the paper that held the famous picture from his desk. "Your quite recognizable now aren't you?"

"Just tell me!" Kyle commanded ignoring the picture and comment.

"She was donating her time to a clinic that had become what we call a pill mill. Do you know what that is?"

"They sell drugs illegally?"

"Yes. We have no reason to suspect her of doing anything wrong. We believe that she caught on to what was going on or she just stumbled into the wrong place at the wrong time."

"And they killed her." Kyle finished trying to take this new information in.

"Yes, they did."

"Who did it and where are they?" He asked as he looked off towards the wall.

"I can't recall his name, but he's dead."

"How?"

"I killed him."

"After a foot chase and a hostage situation." Kyle stated.

"Seems as if you know a lot about what happened."

"Social media is a powerful tool for those who want to brag about what they saw at the L station. You brought my father into in deal didn't you? You couldn't kill him before so you figured what the hell if he died while trying to solve your case."

"No, that's not true. He was a logical choice to help us infiltrate the ring. And I killed the guy that threatened your dad and made sure your he wasn't hurt."

"Just like the time when you showed up late when the guy that took us hostage during that human trafficking situation. You keep trying to kill him again and again."

"I saved you both that time."

"Only because you put us there!" Kyle screamed. "Actually I'm pretty sure my dad had it under control by the time you got there. Plus there was that time I had a brick of heroin in my backpack when I was six years old because you tried to take him down in our kitchen. My mother and me be damned. It always comes back to you and what you want. Somehow I don't have faith that either me or my father have ever been your priority."

"You are so your father's son. But think of me what you will." Voight said choosing to leave out the time that he had followed Matt and did save him from a gun wielding Nesbitt.

"Oh I will don't worry about that. Never worry about that."

"Look kid, I'm sorry for the circumstances that you and your father have been through and I have tried to do my part to help when I could so I hope this information helps you in some way."

"They were reconciling. When she died—they were getting back together. Her residency was going well, her schedule more regular. That day—the day she died, she was supposed to spend it with me. We were supposed to go the Museum of Science and Industry. But she forgot—again, and volunteered to work. I hated her for skipping out on our plans. She died and I was still mad at her for leaving me that day, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way and then I'd get mad at her for dying because of it. Then years later after nearly losing my dad, I find out the truth and I hate it all over again."

"Look kid, you've been through a lot and I'm sorry—"

"Can you please not tell my dad I was here," Kyle asked as he moved towards the door.

"He needs to know that you've become aware of the details surrounding your mother's death."

"Just don't. You owe me that much." And then Kyle turned and walked out of Voight's office and out of the station, wandering in thought until he had to be home.

 **"** **How old is he now anyway?"** Voight asked Matt as he prepared to leave.

"He's ten," Matt answered.

"Almost eleven if you ask him." Gabby added.

"They're always trying to grow up too fast. We'll get him back. I can promise you that." Voight said as he disappeared back into the street. Matt wondered how he could promise such a thing and it made him think of those ridiculous promises he had made to Kyle about his safety on the job. Promises he had no way business making, but he did anyway.

"With that revelation I think he orchestrated this whole thing," Gabby said as she rubbed her eyes.

"I don't get it. He's always been such a good kid. Compliant, obedient. I mean he wasn't perfect by any means, but I could always count on him to do the right thing. To be where he was supposed to be, be home when he was supposed to be. This just doesn't make any sense to me."

And it was true. Overall Kyle had been a pretty easy kid to raise. He was a frequent flier at the firehouse where he knew when to step back out of the way and be scarce and when to step up with his charm and charisma. He always had a way of easing tensions and bringing a little bit of innocence back into the lives of those who saw very little of it. The guys loved him which they all proved tonight by taking time to try and find him while Matt sat around and did nothing. He had tried to go out earlier but Antonio had said it was best if he stayed at home as they had plenty of people out searching and if the boy got home on his own he would need his father there waiting for him.

"Matt, he's been through a lot and I think it all finally caught up to him." Gabby said. "He lost his mother when he was six. Then you had that head injury that left us all unsure for days. He was stuck to Kelly like Velcro. The only time he would allow himself to be taken from him was when Chief took him. You didn't see his terror like we all did.

"And there was our on again off again relationship. Then you both get snatched up by some psychopath that shoots and kills a woman in your living room. A gun was held to his head. I mean that alone would undo most kids."

"Yeah, true. But you know what he told me afterwards?"

"No, what?"

"He said 'I knew you would save us Daddy. I wasn't worried.' Then he slept like a baby that night."

"And he was right and that also proves what I'm trying to explain." Matt opened his mouth to say something but Gabby put her hand up stopping him. "Then I get pregnant. We're all excited. He told me he wanted a brother, remember?" Matt nodded smiling. "But then he said a sister would be okay too, because he would protect her."

"He was great, so excited. Just like us."

"And then the miscarriage. It was hard for us, but it was hard for him too. Then Louie comes into our lives and remember how cautious he was at first because he was afraid Louie would go away like the baby did?" Once again Matt nodded. "But finally he embraced him and then—"

"He disappeared too."

"Then he nearly saw your death right in front of him. It was too much. It was too much for both of us. It was like we couldn't breathe, couldn't move, we were in suspended animation. And that picture of himself that he sees everywhere doesn't allow him any distance from the memory. He wasn't worried when you two got kidnapped by those sex traffickers because you are his hero. Matt, he just saw his hero nearly taken out by the job he does every third day. Then on top of all that, he finds out Hallie's death wasn't accidental. No wonder he lost his mind."

"I guess you're right. Of course you're right. I offered to take him to the same therapist he saw after her death but he didn't want to go."

"I think he sees all of your assurances as empty promises." Matt looked at her understanding what she was going to tell him. "You often promise him that you'll be fine, that you are fine. He actually told me last week that it had always been empty promises. That if the fire wants to win it will. He's seen Darden die, he's seen Shay die, he knows there are no guarantees. Like Hank said he's angry and my guess is that he is trying to scare the hell out of you, out of us."

"Well he's doing a great job of it."

Gabby hugged Matt and went back to her spot on the couch. She had known Kyle for years, even before she dated Matt. They had always gotten along which continued when she and Matt got together. But she feared their relationship was based more on her being his buddy than a parent. Matt was always the disciplinarian, which in itself didn't bother her, but she was afraid of an underlying current that it was because deep down Matt was possessive of him. She never wanted to the one to say 'wait till your father gets home' but was afraid to upset the balance. Their relationship was in a good place, but it could get better. She just hoped that they would have the chance.


	3. Ignorance and Bliss

Kyle slowly walked to Millennium Park. It was officially closed but there were still a few people milling around. He wished he knew what time it was but the only way to find out was to turn his phone on and he didn't dare take that chance. He was pretty sure his father had a tracking app. It had never really been a problem in the past as he was generally where he was supposed to be—most of the time. And the few times he had to pull a fast one, he just left his phone at home.

He wandered around for a bit and came across the spot where he and his mother had stumbled upon a magic show years ago. She had actually taken some time for him and they had gone to the park for the afternoon. When they saw the show taking place they went to check out and watched it together. They stayed for the entire thing and even for a few minutes afterward so he could pet the rabbit that the magician had pulled from his hat. She had told him that he was a busker and did shows in the parks and the streets for money. She had given Kyle five dollars to put in his top hat.

He thought of that day every time he saw a busker out on the streets and they were fairly common place around the city and on the pier. He even worked his way into a show a time or two with a group of musicians that he knew. And he would think of her when he was singing his heart out. She was the one that had signed him up for a theater group when he was five. He was certain it was only to give her more time alone to study. But he took to it like a true showman and even got some great parts in different musicals around the city. His singing was also what secured the scholarship for his current school. And he did have to admit that he liked his school. So despite the fact that she hadn't been the significant parent in his life she had still managed to influence him in many ways.

He discovered that he was hungry and grabbed the protein bar that that he had tucked into his sweatshirt pocket and gobbled it down with ferocity. He also discovered the key in his pocket that was going to offer him a respite from the streets. Josh, a kid from his hockey team had offered a solution to Kyle wandering the streets all night. He was the only friend he had spoken to about his plans and he was the only one he was certain he could trust not to blab. Besides he and his family had moved to the suburbs a month ago and he figured out of sight out of mind. The idea that help from someone outside of the city wouldn't occur to his father if he decided to call Kyle's friends and grill them.

Josh's father still worked in the city and had a one bedroom apartment that he kept for nights when he worked late. This being a Friday night nearly guaranteed his presence at the familial homestead in the burbs. So Josh had gotten him the key and directions to condo which was conveniently located nearby. Within fifteen minutes Kyle was using the key to unlock the back door and headed towards the stairs and climbed up three floors and looked for apartment 330. He found in the middle of the third floor and looked around as he unlocked both deadbolts. They both turned easily and he was finally inside. He had no idea what time it was and made a mental note to find a clock. He flipped a switch next to the door that worked a lamp across the room. He saw a coat closet to his immediate right a living room dining room combo in front of him and a small kitchen out of his line of sight to the right. Off of the living room was a door he assumed led to the bedroom and the bathroom.

Kyle made his way to the kitchen and decided it best if he left zero footprints that he was ever here so instead of using a glass he just stuck his head under the faucet to quench is thirst leaving droplets of water scurrying around the bottom of the sink. He looked over at the microwave and saw that it was flashing three zero's as was the clock on the stove. He shook his head and went to the living room and sat down on the couch and grabbed the remote figuring he could find a channel that would offer him the time. But after pressing several buttons with no luck at waking the TV from its slumber he gave up at his attempt and just laid down on the couch.

He found that he was pretty tired but he didn't want to sleep too long. Yes he wanted a rough night for his father but he didn't really want to extend the pain too far into the next morning. He figured he would just close his eyes for a few minutes and then try to turn the TV on again.

Kyle had no idea how long he had been asleep but woke up confused as he heard voices. He was sure he hadn't been able to turn the TV on so who was he hearing and where were they? He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus as he realized the TV was still black and the noise was not coming from anywhere near it. He heard a clunk by the door and realized someone was outside. He jumped up, more adrenaline and reaction than any forethought, and dashed across the room, turning off the light before he flung himself into the closet. He moved to the back of it and didn't think there was a light inside, but if some opened the door he figured he had a pretty good chance at being seen.

He stood for a moment and when nothing he happened he figured the noisemakers went into another apartment. But then he heard laughter and the two voices were much louder and much closer now. His heart began to beat wildly in his chest.

"I'll make us some drinks," a booming voice declared.

"And while you're doing that, I'll get freshened up," a much higher pitch voice responded.

Behind a winter coat Kyle raised his eyebrows. He couldn't exactly recall what Mrs. Wilcox's voice sounded like but he was thinking it didn't belong to the woman who was about to freshen up.

"Don't bother," Mr. Wilcox stated. "You won't stay fresh for long."

"Gross," Kyle whispered. But he silently rooted for her to freshen up as he willed Mr. Wilcox to go into the kitchen and make some drinks.

He heard the faucet turn on and glasses clink as they hit the countertop. He hadn't heard the female voice so he opened the door a crack and peeked into the empty living room. He slid out into the room and quietly shut the door behind and then tugged on the front door only to find that it wouldn't budge. Beads of sweat popped out on his upper lip as he continued to pull. He finally shook his head as he realized the deadbolts had been locked. He released them and slid into the hallway and ran to the door that marked the stairwell and zipped down the three floors in record time.

"I think I need maintenance to check my faucet. The sink was wet, there must be a leak." Mr. Wilcox said as he plunked the two glasses down on the coffee table. "And I swore I locked the door," he said as he saw the locks turned up. "I must be losing it."

"What did you say babe?" The woman asked as she sashayed out in a red negligee.

"Nothing. Not a damn thing."

Outside Kyle took a minute to catch his breath. He hadn't expected that or anything close to that. But he may have figured out why Mr. Wilcox suddenly decided to move his family to the suburbs this spring. He couldn't believe how his rest period ended up being so excitement filled. In the past his wild moments generally consisted of him swinging on a 3-0 count while playing baseball.

It was dark out and he still had no idea what the damn time was. Were there no clocks in this town? After walking two blocks he passed a bakery that seemed to be coming to life so perhaps it was time to start heading for the spot he had chosen to end the night.

It wasn't that far and it only took him a half hour but he saw the early signs of dawn as marched forward. He would arrive and relax and then steel himself for what the rest of the day would surely bring.

Matt had finally lost the battle as his eyelids closed. He had no idea how long he had dozed but when his phone chimed he jumped up with it still clenched in his hand.

"Who is it? Is it Kyle?" Gabby asked as she scrambled for her phone and flipped through text after text of statements that declared they had no luck and would be in touch the next morning.

Matt's thumb was shaking as he swiped it across the screen. "Yes, it says it's from him."

"What is it? What does it say?"

"It's just a picture."

"Is he in it?" She asked.

"No, just the river I think."

Gabby snatched the phone from her husband and looked at the picture. It's taken from the Michigan Avenue Bridge. Where this picture was taken," she said as she stepped back and grabbed a picture from the side table and showed it to Matt. The snapshot showed the three of them, all smiles with a green river behind them after the annual St. Patrick's Day celebration. "He must be there. We need to go."

Matt was shaking his head as he still was trying to wake up. He looked at the clock and saw it just before 7:00 a.m. and figured he had probably succumbed to sleep around 6:30 or so. "No, you stay here and I'll go. Just in case he decides to come home. Who knows exactly what this means. I'll call you."

"Okay, just be careful and call me as soon as you find him."

"I will," Matt yelled as he heaved himself out of the door and right into Kelly.

"Whoa partner, what's going on?" he asked.

"I got this from Kyle's phone. I'm assuming he's there. We had our picture taken there in March."

"And you're sure he's there?"

"No. Gabby is staying here just in case. But I think it's him. It has to be him." Matt said as he walked towards his truck.

"Okay, okay. I'll drive." Kelly said easing the keys from his friends' hands. "You're a little amped up and we need to get there alive."

"Sure, no problem. Let's just go."

"Traffic shouldn't be bad this early on a Saturday. When we get close I'll drop you off and find a place to park."

"Okay," Matt nodded seemingly out of breath.

Kelly wasted no time in getting them to the popular spot and as he neared the area he barely had time to pull over before Matt jumped from the cab of the truck. Kelly could just make out a small form with a hood hiding his head and face. He could only pray it was Kyle.

"Kyle!" Matt yelled at the shape that he hoped was his child. If this wasn't him, if this was some kind of sick joke he didn't know what he would do. But when the boy turned around and flipped the hood off of his head the weight of the world fell away and Matt nearly collapsed.

Kyle ran into his father's arms whose legs finally did give way sending them both down to the concrete. "Thank God, oh Thank God," Matt cried.

The boy buried himself into his father and in return Matt held on so tightly he didn't thing he could ever let go. But finally tears needed to be wiped away and Matt needed a damn explanation.

"What the hell dude," he asked as he held his son at arm's length. The two of them still on the ground.

Meanwhile, Kelly having found a parking place had stayed back but could still hear the conversation as he texted Gabby and the group that Kyle had been found and was safe.

"I just—I just needed you to know what it's like," Kyle sobbed.

"What, what is like? What are you talking about?" Matt asked.

"Not knowing." Matt stayed quiet as he looked back at his son. "Not knowing if you'll see someone you love ever again. I needed you to feel the terror that I felt. That I feel every time you're on shift."

"Oh buddy. Do you have any idea the hell I've been through, the hell we've all been through?"

"Exactly!" Kyle stated.

"I'm sorry?" Matt questioned.

Kyle wiped away his tears with his sleeve. "I can't even imagine what I don't know about—all the calls that come and go, the danger that I'm not aware of. When I'm at 51 I and watch you go out I have mixed emotions, because now I know you're in danger, but then when you come back I know that you're safe. I'm not sure if that is better or worse than when I don't know any of it.

"I felt like I couldn't breathe that day when you were trapped. It was like that time when I passed out," Kyle said speaking of a day a few years ago when he got overheated and fainted, "the darkness just started to close in and I couldn't stop it. I know how hard it was when Mom died, how much I miss her and I—I can't—" Kyle hiccupped losing the battle with tears again.

"But I'm fine," Matt assured rubbing his son on the back.

"And so am I," Kyle snapped back. "But you didn't know that until just now and it made for a horrible night. I'm fine, but I might not have been cause stuff happens just like it could to you. You can tell me all day long that you'll be fine, that you'll always be fine, but it's not true, because you can't know. Mom didn't know and I—"

"You what?" Matt asked gently.

"I miss her, but, but I'd miss you so much more. I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but you have always been the one to take care of me. I feel so guilty for feeling that way and it hurts me when I do, but it's true. And I won't believe promises that you can't control." Kyle said taking a step back and crossing his arms.

Matt wasn't sure what to say. His son had brought up some good points and he knew what it was like to lose his father and his mother, albeit in a different way.

"I'm sorry that you had to be a part of that day." Matt said speaking of the warehouse fire.

"Yeah, because my ignorance would have served you so much better."

Matt was taken aback by not only what his son said but in the manner that he said it. "I guess all the money I spend on that school is worth it."

"I'm getting and A+ in English." Kyle admitted.

"You have had to take on some adult problems at a very young age and I'm sorry for that. But I do my very best to stay safe and help people. It's my job, the job that I love."

"That you love more than me."

"No. I don't love anyone or anything more than you."

"Then quit. You can be a contractor full time."

"It's not that easy buddy. Besides the paycheck that helps pay for our apartment and your school tuition, food, and everything else, the city gives me benefits that I really need."

"Like what?"

"Health insurance so that we can go to the doctor and get medicine when we need it. A pension so that one day I can retire."

"If you live long enough," Kyle interjected.

Matt ignored the comment. "Being in business has always been my side job. You know that. It's just too much to try full time and stay afloat financially without my main job."

"You're real job. Please spare me the whole "firefighting is in my blood and what you were meant to do" crap."

"I know it's hard to understand but it is true." Matt paused for a moment. "Do you remember when we found that kitten by the fire house?" Kyle nodded that he did. "We took it home and kept it warm and took care of it until we could take it to the shelter?" Kyle nodded again. "Remember the shelter asked if we would keep it for a couple of weeks until they had more room? And we took really good care of that kitten until a great new family could take it forever. Right? Do you recall how good that felt helping that little guy? And you know that you would do it again if you could?"

"Yes," Kyle whispered.

"Well that's how I feel when I get to help people."

"Like when you got hurt saving that baby and now every year her mom brings her by to see you and you get that smile—that really big smile like Kelly gets when he saves somebody."

"Yes. It's an amazing feeling and it's something that I have to keep doing. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But you have to understand that in life you aren't going to like everything but you still have to deal with it."

"I don't like it. I've never liked it." Matt shifted his weight and finally sat down crossed legged on the ground and Kyle did the same just across from him. "Do you remember that kid in my Kindergarten class Freddy something?"

"Sure, Freddy Higgins. He loved the whole firefighting genre f I recall correctly."

"Uh yeah. You were the recipient of his hero worship."

Matt chuckled at the memory. "So what about Freddy?"

"I knew he loved firefighter's etcetera. I mean how could you not know, everything he owned was somehow tied into the theme. But I never told him what you did for a living. It was like if I told people it would somehow put you in more danger. So when our teacher set up the trip the firehouse nobody had any idea of our connection."

Five years ago….

"Okay class we our guests in this house. You have to understand that this not only holds fire trucks and ambulances but this is where these men and women live when they aren't at home or working out on the streets. So we stay quiet, respectful and we don't touch anything. Do you understand?"

There were thirty-two mumbles of agreement.

"Now, I have a surprise for you, but I'll only give you a clue and you have to figure it out on your own." The kids looked around at each other and at the parental chaperones. "The father of one of our students works right here in this firehouse and I want you to see if you can figure out who it is. Remember to pay attention for the clue."

The mob was directed into the bay and they all oohed and ahhed at the trucks and gear. Chief Boden came out and introduced himself and welcomed the class before disappearing back into his office.

"Okay kids we have two fireman who are going to talk to us about their jobs and show us all kinds of neat things," Mrs. Kimball explained. "This is Lieutenant Severide and he is in charge of this truck over here and the guys in Squad. Why don't you explain what your group is responsible for?"

And Kelly did. He gave a brief but informative run down of what they did in a very basic and nonfrightening way. Kyle was sure it was scripted. Telling the kids only the fringes of the truth. And Kyle was sure his father would do the very same.

"Don't forget about our clue." Mrs. Kimball reminded as Kyle rolled his eyes. Kelly had winked at him earlier but Kyle's response to it had only been a weak smile. "Okay guys, this is Lieutenant Casey and he is in charge of Truck 81."

Freddy who hadn't been able to stand still since they got there picked up on the clue immediately. "Casey," he screamed. "Like Kyle Casey. Your dad is fireman and you never told me!"

"Very good Freddy," the teacher said as Freddy made his way to stand next to Kyle as if somehow that would enhance his experience. "Yes, Lieutenant Casey is Kyle's daddy. Isn't that exciting?"

Despite all the agreement around him and all those eyes that held admiration Kyle wanted to disappear. Freddy stuck to him the entire time and asked him hundreds of questions until Kyle finally snapped at him on the bus on the way back to the school. "Leave me alone! You think it's so great that he goes into burning buildings then you be his son. You be the one that is scared all the time, you be the one that worries every time you hear sirens. Then tell me how great it all is!"

Present day

"I can't believe Mrs. Kimball never told you about it. She talked to me when we got back to school. She asked me if I wanted to talk to the counselor."

"I didn't even think you understood the danger at that age. I figured it was more basic for you. Daddy goes to work daddy comes home and just happens to put out fires in-between."

"Give me some credit."

"I guess you have always been mature. So you've felt this way for a long time then?"

"And last night I finally got you to understand it."

"You did. I'll give you credit for that. But it never happens again. Do you understand?" Matt stated sternly. "Oh crap I forgot to text Gabby that you were okay," he said as his phone chirped.

"I already did and the rest of the guys." Kelly said coming up and grabbing Kyle and picking him up until they were eye to eye. "I agree with your father. Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again do you understand me? If I'm going to be up all night it better be for something more fun than looking for you!"

He then pulled Kyle in for a hug and then set him back down. "You have a lot of apologies to make!"

"He's right," Matt said after answering his text. "So many people were involved in looking for you."

"Antonio?" Kyle asked.

"Yes and Hank Voight," Matt stated. "Who I might add, told me that you went to see him."

"Can nobody keep a secret anymore?" Kyle sighed. "Are you mad at me?" he asked looking at his father.

Now it was Matt's turn to sigh. "I'm angry that you did this. That you just didn't come to me and talk to me."

"Because talking wouldn't have mattered," Kyle said as he turned and began to walk away.

"Hey," Kelly yelled out. "You don't walk away when somebody is talking to you."

Kyle turned around and looked at his father and godfather. "I was the one talking. Which never seems to do much good. Now you have felt what I feel and you will forever have that experience. I'm done talking." He spun back around and began to walk again until he realized something. "Where did you park?" He asked as group of camera toting tourists walked by.

Kelly tried to squash a smile but the corners of his mouth refused to stay down. "A block up that way and to the right. Your dad's truck." Kyle continued his trek down the street. "I fear that once puberty hits we're going to be in trouble. He's too smart for his own good."

"Too smart for my good. He's right though. This had a much bigger impact than any conversation ever could. And Mrs. Kimball did call. She told me he had never once shared the fact that I was a firefighter even when she attempted to pull it out of him in class. After his outburst she understood why."

"So this isn't new?"

"No, it's not."

"Maybe that's one of the reasons he so close to me. I'm a backup," Kelly said with a tight smile recalling how strongly the boy had clung to him when Matt had gotten hurt not long after Hallie's death.

"Probably not the safest choice."

"No, but what other choice does he have?"

"You said we're—we're going to be in trouble when he hits puberty." Matt stated

Kelly stopped walking. "I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. If you'll have me."

Matt looked over at his friend and coworker. "Of course I will. Kyle loves you and you're great with him. I know he talks to you, tells you things that he doesn't tell me."

"Sometimes it's easier to tell anyone else other than a parent what's going on in your life."

"We both need you," Matt said. "Being a parent is like having beautiful sunny days and then suddenly a storm blows in and you have no idea why or where it came from. I'll take any extra umbrellas I can get."

Kelly paused for a second and gathered himself. "So he had some issues when he was five—" he hesitated lost in thought. "He has triggers."

"What?" Matt asked.

"When he was six and you got hurt. Your sister and I split his care. She had him on shift days and I had him the other two days. One day she insisted on bringing him to the firehouse so I could take him to school instead of taking him herself. I asked her why and she was nearly in tears.

"Now you know your kid, he's sweet, kind, gentle, respectful and obedient."

"I'm sensing a but," Matt said.

"He had been anxious. I mean who could blame him. His father was in the hospital and we didn't know for a little while what the outcome was going to be. Plus his mother had just died. So, of course he was out of sorts. Christy told me that he hadn't been sleeping well and I had noticed that as well.

"The previous night she had heard some noise so she went to check on him and he wasn't in bed. She went downstairs and found him outside on the steps. He was upset. She asked him what was wrong and would only say that he had a bad dream. She tried to encourage him to talk about it, but—but he physically pushed her away and told her to leave him alone." Matt chewed on his bottom lip as he listened. "The next morning she tried again and he—"

"He what?" Matt asked.

Kelly sighed. "He told her to go to hell and ran out of the house. She had to chase him down and he fought her the whole way back. The only thing that got him to calm down was her promise that she would drop him off with me."

"Why did I never hear about his?" Matt questioned.

"Dude you were seriously injured and the last thing you needed to worry about was this—this tantrum that Kyle had. Christy understood how difficult a time he was having, and besides, he was six. His father was in the hospital and his mother had just died…how do you expect a kid to act?

"Her only concern was that Kyle needed something she couldn't give him. I took a couple of shifts off and stayed with him. You improved and all was good."

"He was fine with you?" Matt asked.

"He didn't act out like he had with her. But he had nightmares. I always gave him my bed and slept on the couch. One night I fell asleep while reading to him and I woke up in the middle of the night to his cries. He was clutching my t-shirt so hard I was surprised he didn't rip it. He told me he had had the same dream over and over since your accident. He said you came home but your head would start to bleed and it wouldn't stop. He would try to help you but he couldn't make it stop."

"Once you were back at home he was the same happy kid he had always been. When Shay died, he struggled but not as much."

"Yeah, he was difficult for a couple of weeks. He was distant, then obnoxious then—"

"Then he was worried about me. I helped him when he struggled and he repaid the favor by helping me when I needed it."

"How did he help you?"

"He texted me a lot. Jokes, invitations to come to his ball games. He even told me we had to finish that board game before he would put it away."

"I remember that. It was Mousetrap and totally in the way. But if I even suggested him putting it up he would tell me that you were going to come over and finish it."

"Yeah and I did. It was his persistence to keep me involved in his life, in life in general that helped turn me around. I was on my way to getting drunk when this picture was texted." He held up the picture on his phone that showed a smiling Kyle next to the board game and the word please. "How could I keep drinking when I had that offer? I still look at this picture after a rough day.

"He refused to bail on me and I am sure as hell not going to bail on him. Moving in with you helped me so much and a lot of it was because of his presence."

"I think your presence helped both of us when Gabby moved out."

"Like it or not we're some kind of weird family."

"Nah, we're a modern family." Matt said. "So he has triggers. Obviously the recent incident recent prompted his night on the town."

"Sure, he saw so many he cared about in harm's way. How did he find out about the fire anyway?" Kelly asked.

"You know, I never asked." Matt replied deep in thought. "When he was five—Andy Darden had just died. That must have started it."

"Sure, he realized that death was a possibility. And Andy had kids as you well know."

"Kids that I took care of." Matt replied.

"It probably drove the point home that they were fatherless. There but for the grace of God go I." Kelly said. "It's always in the air and he can push it away until it hits home. Ignorance is bliss but this kid is anything but ignorant."


	4. Nightmares In My Dreams

" **About time,"** Kyle said as stood next to the truck.

Kelly unlocked the door and waited for Kyle to climb in while Matt went to the street side and got inside the cab.

"How did you find out about the fire?" Matt asked.

"The one that almost killed you guys?" Kyle answered with a touch of smart ass in his voice.

"Yeah, that one." Matt replied dryly.

"A friend from school was home sick and saw it. I don't know if it was on the news or social media—social media I think, anyway, he just texted me what was happening. He lived like a block from school and let me borrow his bike to get to the scene. Which by the way I kinda left behind and we owe him a new bike.

"I know you wish that I was never there, that I never knew about what happened. But I was and I do know. There's plenty of stuff that I don't know about and I'm okay with that. Your work is dangerous and sometimes no matter how careful you are—well there are no guarantees in life."

"No there's not. But we do try and be safe."

"Mom was a doctor…I mean who the hell kills a doctor, but there you have it, murdered. Live life each day and whatever happens happens."

"Kyle, sometimes life isn't fair and it just sucks. But we all have to do our best for ourselves and for those we love." Matt replied. "We just can't stop living life or doing our jobs because it gets hard or dangerous. We have to do our part in life."

Kyle seemed to try and absorb what his father said. "So am I in trouble?" the boy asked changing the subject.

Matt blew out a mouthful of air. "Oh yeah dude. Like Kelly said you owe a lot of people an apology. I'm going to talk to Chief about taking next shift off so we can spend some time together but after that you are going to come to the firehouse and take care of all those apologies. In fact you are going to spend a lot of time at 51 over the next month."

"Month?" Kyle questioned.

"Oh yeah. You're grounded for a month with extra chores at home and at the firehouse. And you will come work with me at some of my contracting jobs to help pay for your friends new bike."

Kyle tried to appear angry but somehow couldn't pull it off. Spending time with his father was just what he wanted, what he needed.

As promised Matt took off the next shift and pulled Kyle out of school and spent the next few days with his son. They played tourist and revisited some of their favorite places and a couple of new ones. "That plant is as big as you are," Matt commented as they wandered through the botanical gardens.

"Kelly brought me here once," Kyle said as he leaned over and smelled a large blossom.

"He did? When?" Matt asked.

"A couple of years ago. You were working late on some job and asked him to pick me up. He told me he was going to take me to the tropics," Kyle said smiling at the memory. "And he did," he said holding his arms out. "I think it was one of those super cold days in January. It was a welcome break.

"Mom brought me here once too. I don't think she could handle the children's museum and all those screaming kids so we came here instead. The yellow flowers were her favorite."

"Wow, and I thought it was your first time here."

"No," Kyle shook his head back and forth. "But it's our first time here."

"Well how about a picture if the two of you together then?" A woman who had apparently been listening behind them asked.

"Sure," Matt said handing off his phone. Before they left the building Matt made the recently taken picture his screen saver.

Now they stood on the shore looking out at Lake Michigan. Kyle was picking up stones, sand, small shells, anything that he could toss into the incoming waves. "How come you never told me about mom being murdered?"

"You were too young when it happened. Like I said before, I didn't know how much you even understood about death, there was no way I was ready to explain that her life was taken from her."

"I knew she wasn't coming back and because she died in a fire, and you went into fires all the time—I thought for sure that you would die too," Kyle said as he tried to keep his voice even.

"I never thought of that. Perhaps the truth would have been better. But I was having so much trouble coming to terms with it—I—I guess the weakness was on me and not out of fear for you. I'm sorry."

"You could have told me a couple of weeks ago after that article was in the paper. I mean, I found out when every else did and that's just not fair."

"You're right, it's not fair. I wanted to tell you, but it just didn't work out. It was so crazy those first few days after the fire and it got away from me. It's not an excuse, but it's what happened. I'm sorry."

"Okay. I guess it wouldn't have been a fun conversation to think about."

"I'm just sorry it all turned out this way."

"Me too," Kyle said throwing a rock as far as he could.

"Where were you? The entire night out on your own—where did you go?" Matt asked as he traded glances from his son to the water.

"Around," Kyle shrugged. "Navy Pier, movies—I watched a few and fell asleep. Then I went to Millennium Park and then to the bridge." He had decided to leave out the little escapade at the apartment not wanting to involve his friend. In fact he told Josh that he had never stopped by the apartment. He just wanted to forget about that whole experience.

"You were in the park all night?" Matt asked.

"No, just some of it."

"Did you fall asleep there?"

"I think so. Yes." He said figuring he would just trade off the park for the apartment.

"Do you know how dangerous that is?"

"I was okay. Not many people were out and I picked a good spot."

"For God's sake Kyle, you were so exposed. Anybody could have come along."

"But they didn't and I don't sleep well anyway."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I don't sleep well—I haven't in a long time. I wake up a lot."

"Bad dreams?"

Kyle shrugged again. "Just dreams, lots of dreams."

"Tell me about some of these dreams," Matt said, but Kyle just shrugged so he dug a little deeper. "Are they all different dreams or do you have some of them more than once?"

"I have some of them over and over," Kyle admitted.

"Tell me about them," Matt asked gently as he looked his son in the eye.

"One I had a while ago, not so much now. But it was after you had that head injury and one minute you were fine and then the next your head would start bleeding and wouldn't stop. Nothing I did helped, the blood just poured out." Kyle said speaking of the same dream that he had told Kelly about all those years ago.

"I bet that is a pretty scary feeling."

"I feel helpless, just like when you're at work."

"Any other dreams that repeat?"

Kyle was quiet for a moment and Matt just let him stare off in solitude. "I've had this one, ever since—well ever since that day. It's after the fire except this time nobody made it out. I run into the building to look for you and the others but I can't find anybody. But then I kick something and realize it's a helmet. It's all gooey and melted and part of it sticks to my sneakers. I keep running to find you but all I see are these melted helmets."

"I'm sorry," Matt whispered.

Kyle just shrugged him off. "It'll eventually stop. I'm a light sleeper too. I don't think I slept all that much during my night out. Just sort of dozed in the park."

Matt snapped back to the present. "Well this goes without saying that you are to never do that again. You are to be only where you are supposed to be. Am I clear?"

Kyle turned and looked at his father and sighed. "Yes sir. Crystal clear."

"Tomorrow I'm going to have Gretchen get you from school and ride the bus with you to 51." Speaking of the college student that watched Kyle on shift days and nights.

"I can do it myself. I mean, I figure you're going to keep me there so why have her come all the way over and pay her when I can get on the right bus by myself. I know the route. I can do it. I'm not a baby."

"I know you're not a baby, but it's not a usual route for you."

"We can go over it tonight. I know that bus comes near the stop by the school."

"Okay. We'll talk about it tonight. I also want you to write up a good apology for the guys. I want more than 'I'm sorry'.

"Also, I want you to see Dr. Sawyer again. Remember talking to her after mom's death?" He said speaking of the psychiatrist that specialized in children.

"Yeah, I remember but I'm okay, I don't need to talk to her."

"This isn't up for debate. You can talk to her alone, with me, with me and Gabby or Kelly or whoever you want, but you will talk to her."

"How many times?" Kyle wanted to know.

"Let's say two for right now. We'll see how it goes with those. But you don't get to run all over the city all night long and not talk about it. I'll call tomorrow and see when I can get you in."

"Not during school hours," Kyle stated. "I don't anybody wondering where I'm going."

"Alright, after school. Think about whether or not you want anybody with you."

"Sure," Kyle said as he stared out over the water taking in its beauty. He begin to sing softly, "I was born on a lake and I don't want to leave it."

"What song is that?" Matt asked.

"One we did at school. It's about being born on a lake and never wanting to leave it."

"Sounds nice."

"I guess. But they never let us sing what we want. We have to do the songs they pick. Some are okay but others suck."

"Take them all as new experiences. Remember that voice helps pay the tuition."

"There's a group who sings popular songs. They play down here at the Pier and a few other places."

"That sounds like fun."

"Maybe I can sing with them some times." Kyle tried.

"Are they your age?"

"No, they're adults. But we were all in that production of Les Miserables last year."

"Well, maybe when you're older then."

Kyle looked defeated. "I know why mom put me in that theater group."

"You do?" Matt questioned.

"Yep. She wanted more time to herself. The theater was near the library. She could drop me off and go study."

Matt knew what his son said was true. Hallie had even admitted it. "Well aren't we both glad she did. Who knew you had such a beautiful voice."

"Could you be any more obvious," Gabby told Matt as he stood outside on the sidewalk alternating peeks at his phone and the bus stop down the street. "Isn't the tracking app enough?"

"Well, it just shows his phone is on the bus."

"Right, because he tossed his phone on the bus and then went the other direction," Gabby said slapping his shoulder.

"Hey, after the other night I get to be hypervigilant. I wasn't really thrilled about letting him do this on his own in the first place." Matt answered as he thought of his son about the dreams that he had shared with him the day before.

"I think that's him," Gabby said as Kyle hopped off the bus two blocks away and adjusted his backpack. "I'll leave you to hover, I have to get some paperwork done."

Kyle looked down the street and saw his dad standing there. Part of him had wished they would be out on a call when he got there. He knew his dad would have left word with Connie that he was coming. That way he could have gotten his bearings before he had to face the crowd. But clearly he had no such luck.

"Really? Following the little blue dot isn't enough for you? You have to stand out here and wait for me? I didn't even have to cross the street." Kyle stated when he walked up to Matt.

"Don't be a smart ass. After what you put me through, you deserve it."

The two walked into the firehouse. "Hey kiddo," Kelly said as he stood up and pulled him in for a hug as Matt continued on alone. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay."

"Hey KJ, nobody here is mad at you. We were all worried and just wanted you back, safe and sound."

Kyle had quite a few nicknames at the firehouse: KC for Kyle Casey, LC for Little Casey, MC for Mini Casey, CJ for Casey Junior and there was Kid Casey along with the more generic kiddo, hotshot, tiger etc. In a sense he was everyone's child when he was there. But only Kelly was allowed to call him KJ. The initials stood for his full name of Kyle James.

"Thanks," Kyle whispered.

"Come on," Kelly said steering Kyle into the kitchen area.

"Hey everyone can I have your attention." Matt called out as Kelly pulled a chair over and helped Kyle climb onto it.

Kyle swallowed and looked around at all the expectant faces. He had worked on an apology just as his father had asked. Now he only hoped he could remember it. It seemed silly as he memorized many songs and had been in several performances with audiences in the thousands. But with the lights he generally could only see the first several rows and he was well rehearsed. This was much more on the fly and with people that he owed a lot to.

"I want to tell you all how sorry I am about the other night. After what happened a couple of weeks ago in the warehouse fire, something inside me snapped and I thought the only way to repair it was to show my dad just how it felt to be so helpless. I didn't think about him calling you guys even though it made perfect sense. The thought of losing all of you was just too much for me to deal with so I dealt with it all wrong. I appreciate that you gave up your time to help look for me and for being so worried about me. I guess I often thought of my family being small but I have come to realize it is anything but."

Matt smiled with fatherly pride. "Nicely done," Herrmann said. "Of course we forgive you kiddo and we understand your pain. We're just glad that you're okay."

"He's getting an A in English," Matt stated as Kyle jumped down.

"I can tell," Otis said. "Great job."

Gabby winked at him and tousled his hair as Kyle looked up and saw Chief Boden crook his finger at him indicating he should follow him. "You better go," she said quietly.

Kyle hung his head and followed the chief to his office. "Close the door." Boden ordered.

Kyle blew a mouthful of air out as he shut the door. He turned back around to see the chief standing there with his arms folded and his classic stone face.

"Kyle James Casey I have been scared many times in my life, but last Friday night was towards the top of the list. I understand the fear that you felt that day because I felt it as well. I saw it on your face and I heard it in your voice and I felt it in your body when I held you back," he said biting off each word. "And I can even understand what motivated you to do what you did. But nonetheless what you did was so far off the reservation, so unacceptable that I would be remiss if I didn't step in and say something.

"The fear in your father's voice when I spoke to him. The uncertainty you forced on him is something no parent should ever have to feel."

"But Chief, I was trying to show—" Kyle said trying to explain. But Boden just put his hand up.

"Now is not the time for you to talk. Your disappearance spoke volumes, just as you intended it to. But it left all those people you spoke with today, terrified, because you thought it was a good idea. During that fire they were doing their jobs, the jobs they signed up for and yes it is scary and yes they may sacrifice everything for that job, but that is a decision that they made. And it is one that you must accept. Your father and the members of this house are some of the finest firefighters I have ever served with and they will always do their best no matter what the circumstances are. And I know their desire is to get the job done and go home to their lives and their families. That is never in doubt. And I hope to God that they will all live long lives and retire in good health. But as you already know from your mother's death that nothing in this life is guaranteed. But that doesn't mean you can just do whatever the hell you want when you want because you are upset. You know that you can come in here and talk with any one of us at any time. That we will do whatever we need to in order to help you. You are a child and you don't get to call the shots. Yes, sometimes it is difficult to accept the consequences of the decisions made by others but be grateful that you aren't responsible for the decisions that have to be made."

"I understand. But it's so hard to see people you love run into burning buildings."

"I know it is Kyle. I have to do it every shift."

Kyle took a moment to digest what the chief had just said. "I remember when my dad got that head injury and you guys took care of me at the hospital. You held me for hours. I didn't want to leave and go to my aunt's house and you said it was okay and that 51was my house, and would be with me every minute. And you were."

"So don't you understand now why everyone was looking for you and why we were so scared? "Kyle nodded. "There is no worse pain that having harm come to a child. And you were the one who put yourself in danger by trying to prove something. These guys are trained in what they do, the odds are with them. You were a small child, in a large city, alone, and the odds were not with you."

"I know the city," Kyle tried.

"Perhaps, but you cannot control it. Now your father told me that you are grounded for a month and that he would like it if you could spend some of his shifts here at 51, and I happen to think that is a great idea. We have lots of jobs that need to be done and I know that I can trust you to act respectfully and appropriately while you are here. Right?"

"Of course Chief," Kyle replied.

"Okay then. Go on and join your father. And Kyle—don't ever scare me like that again."

"No sir. I won't." Kyle said as he turned towards the door.

"Wait," Chief barked out. Kyle turned around apprehensively. "Come here," he said as he held his arms out and hugged the boy, lifting him up as he did so and giving him a huge bear hug.


	5. Risk vs Reward

"Well Matt, Kyle has given me permission to talk to you about our session today. First of all let me say that he has grown into a wonderful young man. It is clear he is a very sweet, smart and articulate boy with great values. You have done a wonderful job with him."

"Thank you," Matt said with a tight smile.

"Now, that being said, I have no doubt that Kyle has a lot of anxiety. Losing his mother was a tough blow, but to see you in danger on a regular basis is a lot for him to handle. For anyone to handle, much less a child. It is quite normal for a child to be anxious and cling to the surviving parent. They feel vulnerable and understandably so.

"Hallie was in the "safe" career and yet her life ended. When he was six Kyle expressed his fear to me that his mother died in the very place that you frequented on a regular basis. And if fire took his mother how could it possibly not take his father.

"We talked about how you were a warrior against the flames and battled them back winning every time. But a few weeks ago the flames almost won. And on top of that he found out that his mother didn't perish in that fire but was murdered and that opened up a whole new feeling of helplessness. It knocked him down Matt, and brutally so.

"His plan to scare you was actually pretty ingenious. Not recommended, but resourceful all the same. It gave him the power and control, both were something that he desperately needed. Of course he didn't see the danger that went along with his plan, but children often don't. He told me what his punishments were and I think they are all appropriate."

"I guess I never thought about him feeling so helpless." Matt said.

"Kids often do, but on a much smaller scale and dealing with much less than what Kyle has."

"Am I giving him what he needs?" Matt asked.

"Absolutely. With his extra time at the firehouse and working on construction jobs he is spending time with you. It is something all children want but in today's hectic world it's something they hardly get. It is also easing his anxiety somewhat because he can see what you are up to and that you are safe. Except on calls of course."

"I know that in a few years he won't want anything to do with me so I need to take advantage of this time."

"Right you are. They grow up so fast. How is your relationship with Gabby going? He told me that you had married and that it had been a bumpy ride at times and still has some issues bogging it down. I think in the back of his mind he is afraid to get too close to her. He's afraid that he'll lose her too."

"Hallie and I had broken up but were reconciling when she died. I don't know what the future would have brought. And yes Gabby and I have had ups and downs, but we truly love each other and I'm sure that Kyle knows that."

"Oh he does. He is very perceptive. But he also knows that love can't always conquer everything. He pondered if you and Hallie would have stayed together and what that would have meant for him. His feelings towards his mother are very complicated. There is no doubt that he loved her very much and misses her. But he knows that she had always made her a career the priority and that stings. He told me right after she died that it didn't really make much of an impact on his life because he wasn't all that important to her and that she never really wanted kids to begin with. He felt that if he wasn't important to her then she wasn't important to him. Of course we both knew that there was indeed a major impact but it was a coping mechanism for him."

"Kyle's arrival wasn't planned. It wasn't a good time in her life. She was in school and still had so much to go and then residency. It consumed her."

"But you had always wanted children?"

"Yes. I did. I do. I would like to have more and had hoped to before Kyle got too old to have a relationship with any younger siblings."

"He told me about Louie and losing him. Also that Gabby lost a baby."

"All he seems to know is loss," Matt commented.

"And you as well. So it makes all the sense in the world for him to be uneasy at your career choice and worry that he will lose someone else close to him.

"He mentioned a Kelly Severide and how important a role he has in Kyle's life."

"Yeah, he is the Lieutenant of Squad. We've been friends for a long time."

"I looked at my notes and noticed that he mentioned Kelly back when he was six. And I'm glad to see that he is still a part of Kyle's life. He needs a stable force and the more that are a part of it the better. Now I think Kyle is in a fairly good place emotionally. I don't see any reason to worry about self-harm or other destructive behaviors including drug use but I would like to see him at least a couple more times."

"Self-harm?" Matt asked alarmed. "Drugs? He's ten."

"I don't mean to scare you, but kids younger than that drink alcohol and are involved in drug use. Anything to take the pain away. Kids are often impulsive and if they feel like life is out of control they can act out in inappropriate ways including self-harm and drug abuse. Parents are in denial or don't even notice anything wrong.

"I've seen kids who cut themselves, burn themselves or put themselves in precarious situations. Kind of like he did that one night. But from what we talked about today I believe he is feeling better about everything and is much more secure."

"Should I keep an eye out for anything specific?"

"If he suddenly seems modest that could be a warning flag that he is hiding something. Kids will damage themselves in places that can't be seen while wearing typical clothing. So if it is hot out and he doesn't dress appropriately that would be a concern. Don't invade his space or be too demanding but look for subtle things. A lighter turning up somewhere that you had never seen before. A burned paper clip."

Matt looked at her oddly. "Kids will hold a paperclip over a flame and then press it to their skin. They are very resourceful.

"Look for erratic behavior, if he's secretive or suddenly starts to hide in his room. If you seem to be a few beers short, if your liquor isn't locked up you might want to keep a closer eye on it. But mostly just keep doing what you are doing Matt. You know your son and you'll know if anything is out of the ordinary. Just keep spending time with him, reassure him and you'll both come out on the other side of this."

As Matt made the future appointments and walked to the truck with Kyle he only hoped that the doctor was right.

The weeks had flown by and his one month grounding was nearly up. They hadn't really discussed his schedule post-punishment but Kyle imagined that he'd be at the fire house occasionally throughout the summer. He figured everyone could use a break from his presence, although the fire house had never looked or smelled cleaner. He had detail cleaned every surface and had even pulled gunk out of the drain in the showers and had a great time chasing Brett with it.

Now he was out front with Pouch enjoying the sunshine and light breeze. He wrapped his hand around the leash a little bit tighter as a woman and her young daughter walked up to him.

"Hi there. What a cute dog you have. Is he yours?" The woman asked.

"It's a her and she belongs to the firehouse."

"Oh, that's nice. I'm Jennifer and this is my daughter Meagan."

"Can I pet your dog?" Megan asked.

"Sure," Kyle said keeping a tight hold on the leash as Pouch began to wiggle in excitement with the promise of attention.

"Do you know if Lieutenant Casey is here? I called earlier and they said it was his shift day. Um, he saved my daughter when she was just an infant. He was ordered out of the building but he heard her cry and went back for her. He was injured on the way out but he saved her—by doing that he saved me." She said as a tear broke loose and traveled down her cheek. She quickly brushed it way. "Anyway, we come every year so he can see the fruits of his labor. Megan drew him a picture." She said looking over at the paper that the little girl held onto.

Kyle just stood there unsure what to say. He had flashbacks of his babysitter telling him they had to visit his daddy in the hospital and getting there to find the entire shift there sans his father. He knew that carried bad news, he knew that his mother had gone to the hospital and had never come out.

"You okay?" Jennifer asked.

"Hey there guys," Kelly said coming up after having seen the small gathering. "What can I do for you?

"We're here to see Lieutenant Casey. We come every year."

"That's right. I thought you looked familiar. Wow she's getting big." He said looking at Megan.

"Yes, she is. She just finished up Kindergarten. Growing up before my eyes thanks to you guys."

"Kyle, do you know where your dad is?" Kelly asked.

Kyle snapped back to the present. "He was in his quarters the last time I saw him."

"I'll get him," Herrmann called out from behind them.

"I knew that he had a son. He told me on our first visit. You must be so proud of him. He's such a brave man. Thank you so much for sharing him."

Kyle just stared at the woman as if her hair had burst into flames. He handed the dog's leash to Kelly and ran back into the firehouse. He passed his father on the way who looked at him strangely but kept going towards the front. Kyle grabbed his baseball glove and ball and headed to the backdoor.

His thoughts were like an avalanche and he couldn't stop from being buried. One of the first nights he had stayed at 51 there had been a late call. He couldn't go back to sleep so he had gotten up and wandered around the firehouse. He crept into the chief's office and saw his family pictures but also one of Chief holding him up in the air that was taken a couple of years ago after they had won the tug of war contest at the annual picnic. Both faces revealed pure happiness and ease.

In Kelly's office he saw his picture from last year's hockey season, the youngster almost swallowed up by his pads. But in a more prominent spot was a picture taken two years ago at the St. Patrick's Day parade. Kyle was up on Kelly's shoulders and was looking down at Kelly as Kelly was looking up at him, the binding strands of a strong relationship were more than evident.

He then went to his father's quarters where a picture from a trip to the zoo was placed front and center. Gabby had taken it as Matt was pointing out one of the large cats that was hiding behind some camouflage. His father seemingly looking into the distance and at him at the same time. His eyes full of warmth and affection. Kyle stared at the picture for a time, noticing the similarities in their appearance, it was as if he was a genetic echo of his father. There were a few other pictures in there but that was the one that seemed to speak volumes.

In the community area, despite many years and many other school groups coming through, the picture of Kyles Kindergarten class still hung prominently. Matt was holding little Freddy Higgins whose excitement seemingly leapt from his eyes.

Like it or not this was his family, his place in the world was here. They loved him and he loved them right back. As they all returned from each call none the worse for wear during the month, Kyle had slowly slipped back into a state of denial that nothing bad would ever happen. But then the woman and her daughter showed up and reminded him that there would never be guarantees—ever. Life was tenuous and that would never change no matter what he wanted to believe.

"Well that was rude," Kelly said as he burst out the back door. "You better not be throwing that ball at the wall," he said pointing at the baseball in Kyle's hand.

"I'm not. I'm just tossing it into the air." In reality Kyle hadn't even managed one throw in any direction. He had just been standing there staring off into space. He looked over at Kelly and his angry face and realized this was one of the reasons he loved him so much. When he called Kyle out on poor behavior it reminded him of the strength of their relationship and that the man cared enough to not let him get away with anything he shouldn't.

"Was that a set-up?" Kyle asked.

"What?! That woman and her daughter? No, she comes every year. She wants your father to know the difference he made in both of their lives."

"The timing was very convenient," Kyle replied.

"Maybe so, but it was purely coincidence. Now you are a lot of things kid, but rude is not one of them. You weren't raised that way. So what gives?"

"I don't know," Kyle said tossing the ball into the air and catching it as it fell back to earth.

Kelly had noticed the ball and glove missing from the table and had grabbed his own on the way out. "Toss it here," he encouraged.

They played catch in silence for a few minutes until Kelly finally spoke up. "It got real, didn't it? Their visit? The faces of reality."

"Yeah. Something like that."

"Think of all the lives your father has changed for the better. How many people are alive because of him and how many people's lives are still whole due to his efforts. If he quit the impact would be huge."

"I know that I'm being selfish, but I don't care. But then I do care and feel bad. I just want him to be okay."

"I know you do. I do too, so does Gabby and everyone else in this house. But life is full of what if's and unknowns. We have to live it the best way we can. He chose this path in life and he is very good at it. If he were to quit the consequences would be enormous."

"Yes they would," Kyle sighed. "I'm just one person, but he is more than one person because he has saved so many lives, people that will go on and impact the world because of him."

"Wow. Are you sure you just finished fifth grade?"

"Yep," Kyle said firing the ball back at Kelly.

"Damn boy, your arm is coming right along. You should try pitching."

"I don't have the accuracy."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Paulie Lawson is our best pitcher but he got hit in the mouth with a line drive and lost his two front teeth.

"Ouch. That would deter me from pitching. Is he out for the season?"

"No. He'll be back next game. He said that won't make him quit. He likes playing too much."

"Ahh, risk versus reward."

They continued to throw the ball back and forth, Kelly allowing Kyle a moment. "I get where you're going with this."

"With what?" Kelly questioned.

"Risk versus reward. My dad has risk, but the reward is huge."

"Most things that are worthwhile have some kind of risk and a huge reward."

Otis opened the door and called out. "Hey Kyle, you play hockey and we need your expertise on one of the rules."

"Duty calls," Kelly said as he caught the ball. "Go on."

Matt came outside just in time to see Kyle run past him and back inside. "What was that all about?" He asked.

"He's putting the pieces of the puzzle together," Kelly answered. "I'm just not sure yet if he will be able to reconcile with the picture that they make."


	6. Those That Can Should

I apologize for the delay. The flu visited and then the computer crashed. I feared that I had lost the second part of this story that I have been working on, but thankfully it was able to be retrieved. So now armed with a new computer that I'm learning how to navigate I give you the final piece of this arc. There will be more in the near future as soon as I can smooth a few things out.

Thanks to all that have left reviews I really appreciated them.

 **Those That Can Should**

The next morning father and son drove to the bike shop and took their time picking out just the right bike for Kyle's friend Jeff whose bike had been left behind that day at the fire. Kyle had earned enough money by helping Matt out at a few of his contracting jobs and with Matt matching the funds there was plenty for a pretty cool set of wheels.

"How about this one?" Matt asked looking at a red one with black spokes.

"Fire engine red? Really Dad?"

"Yeah, it's pretty cool. Plus with the black spokes it has Hawk's colors," he pointed out the color similarities of the Chicago Blackhawks hockey team.

"That one's Cubby blue," Kyle pointed at another one, but he had to agree with his father that the red one did look like it would fit the bill perfectly. "Okay, the red one," he agreed.

 **"** **You're sure he's home?"** Matt asked as they rounded the corner.

Kyle sighed. "He was a half hour ago when I texted him and again five minutes ago when I checked again. See, there he is waiting," he said pointing to a boy sitting on the steps in front of an apartment. "I just told him that I had to talk to him for a second so that the bike would be a surprise."

"Good plan," Matt agreed.

Jeff waved and walked over to his friend as Kyle hopped out. "Hey Kyle, what's up?"

Matt got out of the truck and moved back to the bed in preparation to get the bike out.

"Hi there," a woman said as she came out of the door. "Who's your friend honey?"

Jeff shook his head, clearly embarrassed that his mother had been watching from inside. "Kyle, from school." He mumbled.

"Oh, the boy from the picture." She exclaimed. "And you must be his father," she asked looking over at Matt.

He pulled the bike from the bed of the truck and set it on the sidewalk. "Yes ma'am that would be me."

"You are so brave, both of you. I can't even imagine," she said as she pulled her hand to her chest.

"Anyway," Kyle said loudly as he rolled his eyes so tired of hearing about the picture, "since you let me borrow your bike and I kind of left it behind, my dad let me earn some money working with him and then added some and we got you this as a replacement." He finished as Matt rolled the bike next to Jeff.

"Whoa, this is the best ever. Way better than my old bike," he stated as he hopped on and began to pedal.

"That is so nice of you. You didn't have to do that. Jeff's last bike was a mess and it wasn't a big loss."

"Kyle borrowed it and didn't return it, so we owed you bike. I'm glad he likes it." Matt answered.

"Well thank you so much. It was quite a story about that fire and your son in that picture. My heart just broke as I read it. We even saved the whole article. I guess I never realized how dangerous your job is. I mean I knew, but I didn't really know, if that makes any sense."

"I get your meaning," Matt said as he watched Kyle chase his friend down the street.

Jeff slammed on the brakes and swung the front wheel around. "This is so cool. You're the best!"

"You're welcome. Glad you like it."

"Sorry about my mom. She cried when she saw the picture. Your dad and the others are pretty amazing."

"I guess," Kyle said.

"No, for real. My uncle thought he wanted to be a firefighter and he even started the training or school or whatever, but as soon as it started to get real he bailed. He couldn't handle it. Said it was just chaos in the fire, he couldn't see, he felt like he was going to suffocate, it was hot and he was afraid he was going to get lost. He said he couldn't keep moving forward into the building or keep going in the training. He had to quit. He couldn't do it, but he is thankful for those that can just like your dad. He told me to always respect firefighters and I sure do."

"Yeah, me too." Kyle admitted.

"I know it had to be scary that day. I would have flipped out. Were you trying to run into the building?"

"Yeah. I kinda lost my mind. But Chief Boden protected me. I didn't think I'd ever see my dad again, just his body. And I was afraid it would be all burned up. When he didn't come back on the radio—I thought that he was dead."

"I'm sorry," Jeff said.

"It turned out okay, but I just wish that picture hadn't been taken."

"How come? That picture made you a superstar. But I'm sorry about what happened to your mom. I just thought your parents were divorced."

"Kyle!" Matt shouted. "Say goodbye, we have to go."

"Race ya!" Jeff yelled as he began to pedal.

 **Back in the truck Kyle** **seemed quiet and contemplative.** "You okay kiddo?" Matt asked.

"That stupid picture. Do you know how much I hate it?" Kyle yelled even though Matt was right next to him. "When I got back to school everybody looked at me. They stared. I couldn't walk down the hall without everyone's eyes on me. The most private moment of my life and they all saw it! I never asked them to share in it. I never gave them an invitation but they all saw it. And then they find out, probably before me that my mother was murdered. How am I supposed to feel about that?!"

"I'm sorry buddy," Matt said looking over at his son.

"My baseball team—those that hadn't already heard about it, did after the first few practices. I saw Max Weller show it others on his phone. I'm now known as the kid in the picture. Even the parents whisper. I didn't ask for any of this."

"I know you didn't ask for it. You were so brave to come down to the fire and to talk to me," Matt said trying to keep it together.

"You never answered me that last time at the fire." Kyle said swiping a tear from his face.

"It's because I couldn't. I tried to, but—I—all I could do was cry. All I wanted to do was see you again."

"And Gabby too."

"Yes and Gabby too." Matt said as he stopped behind a long line of cars waiting for the traffic light to change.

"You always promised me that you would come home, that you would never let the fire win. And I knew they were lies. But you knew I needed the lies, otherwise I could never have handled the truth. Except I don't think I can handle the truth." Kyle yelled as he jumped out of the truck and slammed the door shut and ran down the street.

Matt called out for his son but Kyle was already down the block. There was no place to park and he knew it would take at least three or four cycles to get through light and by that time he had no chance to find him.

After what seemed like forever even though it was more like twenty minutes, Matt sighed with relief as he saw his son sitting on the stairs in front of the apartment. In his anxiety to get home he hadn't even thought to check on Kyle's status using his phone. He found a spot just a few doors away and parked. He slammed his door and marched towards his son. "Don't you ever do that again!" Kyle just continued to look at the ground. "Did you hear me? You can't just run off like that."

"Sorry," Kyle mumbled.

Matt sighed quickly letting his anger recede. "Come on. Let's get some lunch. You have an appointment with Dr. Sawyer this afternoon.

"Stay here," Kyle told Matt as he was called from the waiting room.

"I'll be right here kiddo. See you in a little while," he assured his son. He still wasn't sure what to make of his outburst earlier. He had asked Kyle if he had wanted to talk but couldn't get much out of the boy. He just wanted to make it all better, but he couldn't. He couldn't make the picture go away, he couldn't bring Hallie back and he couldn't leave his career and firehouse family behind. He spent many nights lying awake pondering the situation but had come up with no solutions.

With fifteen minutes of Kyle's session left Dr. Sawyer called Matt into her office, but this time the boy didn't get up to leave. "Kyle would like to talk to you while I'm here, if that's okay?" She asked.

"Of course," Matt answered looking over at his son who appeared to be staring out the window.

The room was large and was filled with all kinds of child oriented objects. There were puppets, books, cars, varying types of dolls, a dry erase board, pens, crayons, paper and even a large police car and a fire truck. Matt immediately noticed that Kyle had a small version of a firetruck in his hand. He had at least ten of the same version at home. What does everyone give the son of a fireman? A fire truck.

"Whenever you are ready Kyle," the doctor encouraged.

Kyle ran the firetruck across his leg, hip to knee, back and forth, most likely as a stress relief.

Finally Kyle cleared his throat and turned his head and looked at his father. "You wanted to be a firefighter, it was your calling not mine. I never asked to be born the son of a firefighter, but here I am."

"True, both are very true." Matt agreed.

Kyle's face was a mask of concentration. "But, it is what you do, because it is your calling. And those that can, should, because so many others can't. And what if nobody could? What would happen if nobody could face those flames like you and the other guys do? If we can do for others then we should.

"Kelly told me about a friend of his whose wife had died and when he came back to work he just couldn't do it anymore. He could only think about his son and what it would mean if he got hurt or worse. At first this story made me even madder because I wanted you to think like that, I wanted you to say I won't be a firefighter anymore because I can't risk getting hurt or killed. But now I realize that's not the answer for you. I can't ask you to leave the career that you love, to leave the family in the firehouse that you love. It would break off a huge piece of who you are. Spending so much time there recently I realized that asking you to leave them or to take you away from them would hurt so many people. You are a true leader and because of that you can't stop doing what you are doing. And I can't be the cause of that decision.

"If it feels right for you to stay, then I have to trust you. Kelly's friend couldn't, but you can so you have to. You have to do it for him and for the others who for one reason or another can't."

Matt sat there quietly. Unsure what to say.

Dr. Sawyer cleared her throat. "We've had a good talk today. Kyle told me about what happened in the truck earlier. We talked about how the picture has affected him. He also told me how appreciative he is that you declined the invitations to the talk shows without any questions. We discussed how dangerous your job can be but how far more firefighters retire than die in the line of duty."

"I have to believe that you'll be one of the ones who retires. I know that you're good at what you do and so are the people around you. But I also know that bad things can happen. But I can't focus on that part. I want you to be happy."

"You know what makes me happy?" Matt asked.

"Gabby?" he asked.

Matt smiled. "Yes she does. And you, you make me very happy. Did you know that the first time I held you that I cried?" Kyle shook his head. "You were only a few minutes old and I was totally in awe. I was so happy, thrilled that I had become a father. I just kept looking at you. I didn't want to ever put you down."

"Just like you can't put firefighting down." Kyle said.

"Just like that," Matt agreed.

"You are more than welcome to make another appointment, but I think Kyle is in a good place so I'll leave it up to you. And of course I'm always here if you need me now or in the future," Dr. Sawyer said as she smiled.

Matt nodded as he and Kyle left her office and walked past the front desk. Back in the truck Matt watched his son buckle up and then cleared his throat. "Life will always throw difficulties at us, but I think that if we stick together we can face down anything and everything together. What do you think?"

"I think so too. But you can never give up when you're in a fire and you have to tell Chief the same thing."

"I will," Matt said as he tussled Kyle's hair and then started the truck and pulled out into traffic.

Matt looked over at this father and managed a smile. He knew that if you were asked to be the hero then you have to be the hero, but his life had long ago been touched with fact that in the end; death always wins.


	7. A Day at the Pier

A Day at the Pier

"So what's to do around here?" Todd McLane asked as they sat on the front steps of Kyle's apartment building. Todd and his father lived two hours south of the city and were in Chicago so that Todd's father could take care of some business and visit Matt who had helped Frank McLane and his band of merry volunteer firefighters with some training last year.

"There's lots to do," Kyle began. "The Museum of Science and Industry, The Field Museum, The Shedd Aquarium, Millennium Park, Lincoln Park Zoo, the Navy Pier."

"How far is that? The Pier?" Todd asked, his interest suddenly piqued.

"Not too far, a couple of miles," Kyle answered.

"I told my dad that I wanted to go there, but he didn't care. So all we did was go to that building downtown and sign some papers and then go to lunch with you and your dad and then sit here and do nothing."

"What time does your train leave?" Kyle asked.

"Not sure 7:30 or 8:00 I think."

Kyle pulled out his phone and checked the time. "It's not even 2:00 yet."

"Yeah but my dad isn't interested. Believe me I already tried."

"We can go without him."

"Really? Your dad will let us go?"

"No, not alone," Kyle replied thinking of his adventure earlier that spring. "But—well how badly do you want to go?"

"This girl I know came up here a few weeks ago and all she would talk about was how cool Navy Pier was. When I told her I was coming up here she said I just had to go and then we could share our pictures and talk about what we did."

"And you told you her that would be great didn't you? You like her don't you? You want to share pictures and get to know her better." Kyle teased.

"No," Todd snapped a little too quickly.

"Your eyes lit up when you mentioned her."

"You're just a little kid, what do you know?" Asked Todd who was thirteen to Kyle's brand new status as an eleven year old.

"I know the way to Navy Pier," Kyle boasted.

"Really?"

"Sure. Or you could just download pictures from the internet to show her and hope she doesn't figure it out."

"So genius you said your dad won't let us ago alone and I know my dad won't either so what's your plan?"

"Just follow my lead and keep your fingers crossed," Kyle said as he sent a text to his friend requesting a favor.

"What did you do?" Todd asked.

"I texted my friend Jeff to text me back and ask me to his house because he got a brand new game to play. I'll show that to my dad and maybe he'll let us go over to Jeff's house—"

"But really we'll go to Navy Pier," Todd finished.

"Exactly." A second later two texts came through to Kyle's phone.

 _What are you up to you evil genius_

Followed by:

 _Hey I got the new Final Fantasy game come over_

"Come on, show time. Just be cool and follow my lead," Kyle stated.

They entered the apartment to find their fathers laughing while they enjoyed a beer. Kyle showed Matt the text and asked if they could go.

"He lives several blocks away," Matt said. "I don't know."

"He's like eight or nine blocks away."

"Like I said," Matt repeated.

"Todd can get the flavor of Chicago on the way over there. Come on, there's nothing for us to do here," Kyle begged.

"How far is it?" Ray McLane asked.

"Nearly a mile," Matt responded.

"It'll be good exercise. All Todd does is sit around all day and complain he's bored. But you had better be back here by 6:00 so we can get to the train station. If that's okay with you Matt?"

Matt looked a little uncertain as he looked at the text on his son's phone. Kyle had of course deleted his initial text and Jeff's first message. "Go on. But watch for traffic and be back here on time."

"Absolutely," Kyle said smiling. "I just need to change my shirt. I got some food on it from lunch."

The boys went to the boys' bedroom where Kyle shut his door. "Your shirt looks fine dude."

"Yeah I know, but I need money and that's in here." He said as he rummaged in his top drawer.

"What's the money for?"

"The L. We're not walking the two miles there and back. I have a metro pass but you'll need one," he said as he pulled some bills out and tucked them in his pocket. He then pulled his shirt off and tossed it on the bed and pulled a fresh one from another drawer. "Okay let's go."

They bid farewell to their fathers as they passed through the kitchen and out the door. Kyle started out in his city fast walk and found Todd lagging behind. "Come on dude. We have to hustle if you want much time there."

"I thought you said we were taking the L," Todd said.

"We are, but the nearest station is still blocks away and we'll probably have to wait for the train and then it's several blocks to the pier from the stop. Then we have to do it in reverse."

"Okay, okay," Todd said jogging to catch up. "How do your little legs move so fast?"

"Practice, you don't move fast around here you get run over."

With Kyle's urging they finally got to the station and while Todd stopped to catch his breath Kyle fed the money into the machine and pulled out a metro pass for Todd. Once that was accomplished they were forced to wait almost ten minutes for the train. When the train stopped they hopped on and Kyle took a seat while Todd took in the city below him.

"Do you like living here?" He asked as he saw the tall buildings and barely controlled chaos pass below him.

Kyle shrugged. "I guess. I mean it's the only place I know. Do you like living where you do?"

"I don't know. It's awfully quiet and small compared to this place. I mean we don't even have a traffic light in town."

"Wow. I can't even imagine what that would be like," Kyle replied trying to picture an existence without continuous traffic, horn honking and masses of people at every turn.

Once off the train the Midwestern heat and humidity hit them and with the promise of lake breezes Todd managed to keep up albeit under duress. "What water is that?" Todd asked nearly out of breath once they got to their destination.

"Dude, you live in Illinois and you don't know that that is Lake Michigan?"

"I do now," he gasped. "So now what?"

"We can splash in the fountain," Kyle said as he wiped some sweat off his forehead. "There's the park, live music, the Ferris wheel, the Children's Museum, boat rides, the Botanical Gardens. I don't have a lot of money, so we have to choose carefully."

"I don't care, let's just go, I have a lot of pictures to take."

And the boy's ran around and just soaked up the atmosphere while Todd gleefully snapped pictures of his surroundings ensuring that many were selfies as proof of his visit. They finally stopped for a drink and sat down so Todd could flip through his pictures to see how much bragging he could do. And if he got Megan alone he was certainly going to brag that he went without parental supervision.

"We should probably start to head back," Kyle said. "We don't want to give our fathers any reason to look for us."

"I can't believe it's gotten that late already."

"I know, time flies when you're having fun."

They got up and began to make their way back to the entrance when Kyle heard a familiar voice. He looked over to the small seating area where buskers were allowed to perform and what he saw made him smile.

There were many stages and plenty of free music concerts around the pier, but an area was set aside for those who desired to perform their trade for the tourists to enjoy and hopefully give up a dollar or two for the entertainers. Kyle loved this place. Certain groups were given precedence in getting the top times and days and he knew this group was one of those. In fact, he knew this group rather well.

"Can we watch for a minute?" Todd asked as they stopped and joined the onlookers.

"Sure," Kyle replied with a smile wondering if he had been seen by anyone in the group.

As the song finished and the singer gave his thanks to the audience he looked over and saw Kyle. "Kid Casey is here with us ladies and gentlemen. You are in for a treat now!"

Todd looked over at Kyle, certain that he couldn't possibly be the one that the singer was speaking about. But the smile and on Kyle's face showed otherwise.

"Come on down Kyle," the man shouted ask Kyle made his way to the makeshift stage. "Alright people, this kid will give you a great time. He joins us when he can, and we are definitely better when he is with us. Don't let his small stature and youthfulness fool you, this kid will rock your world." He then waved Kyle down to the center of the performance ring as Todd looked on in surprise.

"Thanks Craig, but I can only stay a few minutes," Kyle said as he greeted the rest of the band.

"We'll take you for however long we can have you." Craig then whispered the next song to Kyle who nodded and waited for the music to start.

Back at the apartment Matt looked up at the clock. "Holy crap where did the time go? I'll check to see if the boys are on their way back."

"Sounds good," Frank said as he got up and headed to the bathroom.

Minutes later as Frank returned he read a bit of alarm in his friend's face. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well, the good news is that I know where the boys are, the bad news is that it isn't at Jeff's house," Matt replied.

"So, where are they then?"

Matt turned his phone so the screen faced Ray. "Navy Pier. I have a tracking app on Kyle's phone. The thing is he knows it, so he isn't totally hiding."

"Sonofabitch. All Todd talked about was going to the Pier. He begged me, but I had no desire to play tourist just so he could brag to some girl."

"Well, I have two theories. Todd either begged or pushed Kyle into taking him. Or Kyle wanted to show off being the city kid and offered the trip. Either way we need to go get them or you'll never make your train tonight."

Matt grabbed his keys and wallet and bounced out the door with Ray on his heels who headed right to Matt's truck. "Can't take the truck," Matt announced.

"Why not?"

"We can, but with late afternoon traffic and the parking situation it'll take forever. I imagine the boys took the L. There's a station a few blocks that way," Matt pointed. "We can get you a pass at the station."

"Whatever you think is best," Ray said jogging after Matt who, like his son, was fluent in the city speed walk.

"These blocks are pretty damn long," Ray said huffing as they finally made it to the station.

Matt fed his debit card into the machine and pushed several buttons until it spit out metro card. "We have to hurry, that's our train," he said nodding at the cars rushed their way. "If we miss it we'll have to wait twelve more minutes at least."

"How do you know it goes to the Pier?"

"It's going that direction. That's pretty much all I need to know. Come on," Matt said scanning his card over the top of the turnstile.

Ray swiped his card over the spot but couldn't get it to read and release the door. "It won't work," he cried as the train got closer.

Matt reached over and grabbed it from him and swiped it opening the door and allowing Ray to pass through. "Lots of practice," he said as Ray looked at him dumbfounded.

"Why couldn't we just use your card twice?"

"The system doesn't allow it." He replied as the train screeched to a halt and the men hopped on as soon as the departing passengers cleared the area.

"How far?" Ray asked as he was still trying to catch his breath.

"Not far. But we'll have to walk again when we get there."

"I need to move to the city to lose some of this weight," he said as he rubbed his stomach.

Neither Kyle who was enmeshed in all things vocal nor Todd who was soaking up all the city excitement had realized how much time had passed since they had intended to leave. Both were having too much fun to realize that the fun was about to end.

After chugging along the last few blocks, barely keeping up with his friend, Ray was about to collapse while Matt was trying to shield his phone from the sun as he tried to pinpoint his son's whereabouts. As he shifted his position he heard a very familiar voice come up from the pit area that usually held amateur entertainers. He stopped in his tracks and pulled Ray along with him as they went around the first few rows of spectators to see Kyle whipping up the support of the crowd to sing the chorus with him. After a few weak tries they seemed to begin to get the hang of it as the music started.

Ray looked momentarily confused until Matt pointed down towards Kyle. It took only a minute later to find Todd who was off to the side, his phone pointed in the direction of his new friend. He was so engrossed he barely reacted when his father put his hand on his shoulder. Kyle appeared to look their direction but if he noticed the new audience members he didn't react; ever the showman.

Once the song ended, the crowd was still amped up and appeared to be somewhat disappointed that the show was over. Craig who had introduced Kyle to the masses hopped up on a small bucket and made an announcement. "I'd like to thank you all for your support and hope that we have entertained you enough that you might want to leave a little bit in our bucket which will go to support the Living Arts Program that helps put on shows like this along with more formal productions. And it helps kids like this little superstar show their talents off." He said pointing to Kyle. "He was great, wasn't he?" He asked as the crowd once again cheered as many began to move forward with bills clutched in their hands.

"I'm so glad you came down tonight. I didn't think you would be here since it's our early night," Craig said into Kyle's ear.

"I do what I can. I have to go," Kyle said as he turned towards his father whose gaze hadn't left Kyle since he had appeared before the last song.

"Kids good," Ray commented just before Kyle joined them.

"He's amazing. He didn't even tell me he could sing. We were on the way out and we stopped for a second and the next thing I know is the one dude called him by name and had him join in. Kyle sang like six songs and everybody loved him." Todd said excitedly.

"Hey," Kyle said as he made his way towards Matt and companions.

"Hey right back at ya. And hey this sure doesn't look like Jeff's house. And hey who are your singing buddies?" Matt asked stacking one question on top of another.

"Sorry. Those are some of the guys that I was in Les Miserables with. We worked on this set list during the two weeks I was in drama camp this summer."

Matt shook his head and did his best to look stern and disappointed which was very hard when people began to come up and tell his son how much they enjoyed his performance.

"Look we have to get going if you want to make your train tonight," Matt announced.

Kyle agreed wanting to get out of there before Craig came up and said things that Kyle would have to try and explain away.

"Maybe we could spend the night," Todd said hopefully. "We can take another train tomorrow."

"No can do, your mom expects us home tonight," Ray replied.

"Mr. Casey," Craig called out much to Kyle's dismay. "I just want to thank you for letting Kyle sing with us. He has been a great asset to our little team here. Having him here so often is wonderful."

But Matt only heard part of what the man had said. With the crowd and audio assault going on around him he couldn't make it all out. He just nodded and smiled as he grabbed Kyle and began to steer him towards the exit.

Todd talked nonstop as they made their way back to metro station. While Kyle was trying gauge Matt's demeanor he was beginning to see the fringes of hope that his father hadn't heard everything that Craig had said and perhaps his secret was safe after all.

Todd had been more than thrilled with his adventure at the Navy Pier and stated they he didn't care how much trouble he would be in, that the trip had been well worth it.

"Well that's great to hear son, since you will be grounded as soon as we get home," Ray said. "Now I don't even know if we'll make our train."

"You can still make it," Matt assured. "I'll show you where to get off the L and the best way to get to the station."

"I told you I wanted to go to the Pier but you wouldn't even listen to me. You wouldn't even try," Todd accused as they waited for the elevated train.

"I told you not today, but maybe in the future."

"You always say that and then we never do it," Todd pouted. "I'm sorry I called you a little kid Kyle, you showed me a great time." The boy said as he reached over and patted the younger Casey on the shoulder.

"No problem," Kyle mumbled unsure of what else to say.

"I can't believe you pulled this stunt after what you did to me this spring," Matt said as he looked down at his son.

"I kept my phone on. I didn't want to freak you out, I just wanted to show our guest a good time," Kyle explained as the train screeched to a stop in front of them.

The four waited as the departing passengers got off before they squeezed their way on. With rush hour traffic in full swing, there were no seats to be found forcing the foursome to hang on to the straps or in Kyles case to a seat as he couldn't reach straps. Matt shuffled to the side with Ray so he could show him the route he needed to take to make it to the Amtrak station.

"What happened this spring?" Todd asked as they were jostled around as the train picked up speed. "What was your dad talking about?" Kyle sighed but filled in his new friend on his adventure a few months ago. "Wow that must have been scary with your dad trapped in a fire like that."

"Yeah, it was. He told me goodbye because he never thought he'd see me again. I had to get his attention someway. I guess it worked. But nothing really changed."

"It never does," Todd agreed. "My dad hates the city. Hated coming here. But I thought maybe he would try something new and actually _do_ something with me. At home his excitement is going to work."

Kyle shrugged. "Work can be exciting."

"For your dad. My dad works at a feed and seed store. He's a volunteer firefighter who has maybe ten calls a year and most of them are stupid little things. I think they had one porch fire last year."

"Think of that as a good thing," Kyle said.

"My life is so boring and then I come here and your dad is this superhero and you sing on the pier. I mean what the hell? Maybe my dad will let me come up here by myself and spend some time with you. Maybe we could go to some of those museums or something."

"Even if I'm just a little kid?" Kyle asked.

"I said I was sorry about that comment."

"It's okay. I was kidding. I'm glad you had fun."

"I hope you don't get into too much trouble." Todd said.

"It was the risk I took. Besides it was my fault that we were late. I bet we could have pulled it off if we had left earlier."

"Maybe," Todd agreed.

"Kyle our stop is next. These guys are going on towards the station. Ray call me if you need anything. I can always come pick you up if necessary." Matt said.

"Thanks Matt. Sorry for the drama that was caused."

"Hey Dad, maybe one weekend Todd can come up and hang out with us and we can show him more of the city," Kyle suggested.

Matt smiled as he looked at the boys. "That sounds like a great idea despite the fact that now is probably not the best time to ask."

"Can I Dad?" Todd asked excitedly. "You wouldn't even have to come."

"We'll see," Ray responded.

"Which means no," Todd replied dejectedly.

"I bet you could earn a trip back up here if you do everything your father tells you," Matt said winking at the boy. "Really, it is a great idea. We would love to have him."

"I'll be in touch," Ray said as the Casey's waved goodbye and made their way off the train.

As Kyle trailed after Matt he knew his father wasn't happy with him, but he didn't seem totally irate either which was a good thing. It was becoming clear that he hadn't heard everything that Craig had told him and that was also a good thing, a great thing in fact. Everything was going to be okay.

 **Everything was not okay...To be continued**


	8. He's His Own Man

**Everything was not okay.** Mrs. Larson had picked him up from baseball practice along with her son Alex and another boy, Eric. As he got in the car she told Kyle that his father had called and wanted him to be dropped off at the firehouse instead of the apartment. The entire ride over his mind ping ponged as to what caused this change of plans. It could be something simple—or it might not be. So, as he tumbled from the car and grabbed his gear from the trunk he dusted himself off and tried to think positive thoughts.

"Hey Mom can we stay and get a tour of the firehouse?" Alex asked.

Kyle was about to open his mouth and say that was a great idea until he saw Mrs. Larson's face. "Not today honey. I don't think today is a good day for that." She said giving Kyle a weak smile. "Maybe next time."

They waved to Kyle as they pulled out into the street and left him with a very uneasy feeling in his stomach. He heaved his bag up and continued to try and leave the dirt from his slide into second base in the driveway when he saw Kelly. If he had any questions as to whether or not his requested presence was for a pleasant surprise, Kelly's face revealed it was anything but.

Kelly said, "Your dad is waiting for you," and just kept walking. Kyle gulped as he looked back to see Kelly walk towards his car which was parked out on the street. Whatever this was, it wasn't good. He racked his brain to think of what he or hadn't done and only came to one conclusion; and it caused him start breathing funny.

Kyle kept walking and by the couch he saw Otis look up from his book and nod to him while Mouch just gave him a tight smile as did Cruz. He looked over and saw his father standing by the table with his arms crossed and an expression on his face that Kyle had never seen before.

"Hi," Kyle said with a hitch in his voice.

"Well hello. I had a wonderful chat today with someone you know," Matt began.

"Oh. Who?"

"Let's see, he told me his name was Craig Jenson."

 _ **~~Two hours earlier~~**_

"Matt is right over there," Capp pointed towards Casey. "Captain, this gentleman wants to talk to you."

"Mr. Casey, or I guess Captain Casey I should say. I don't know if you remember me from the Pier a couple of weeks ago. We spoke briefly, after Kyle finished up the set. My name is Craig Jenson," he said extending his hand.

"Right. I do remember you. In fact, I had wanted to get in touch with you since I didn't really hear much of what you said to me that day." Matt replied.

"I found out your firehouse through that picture and article in the paper a couple of months back. I tried to talk to Kyle about it but he wasn't too interested. I didn't even know you were a firefighter until then. Thank you so much for your service."

"You're welcome. Can you fill me in on what you said that day?" Matt asked.

"Oh, sure. I was just saying how much we appreciated you letting Kyle come down every week to sing with us. He adds so much to the routine. He is so charismatic. He carries the audience in the palm of his hand. It doesn't matter what the song is, he has his whole soul wrapped around it. Impressive for someone of any age much less a child.

"Do you know he beat out over two hundred and fifty other boys for the part of Gavroche in Les Mis?"

"Did he now?" Matt asked.

"And he was one of the youngest to play the role. In fact, he was the minimum age they allowed at auditions."

"That is impressive," Matt agreed. "And I thought he did a fantastic job. I was very proud of him."

"I played Maris," Craig added with a smile.

"Now, you said he's with you on the pier every week?"

"Yeah. It's on different days, but he comes around six or so and stays for an hour or more." Craig said as he began to see the emotion roll over Matt's face. "You had no idea he was coming down, did you?"

"Not a clue. It must be on my shift days."

"Doesn't he have someone watching him?" Craig asked hesitantly.

"Of course he does," Matt snapped. "My question is how he got away with it for so long without me being told."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that you weren't in the loop. Kyle never said anything."

"Of course he didn't. That's just great. There are hours and hours where I thought he was home and he was traipsing back and forth across the city."

"I can understand why you're upset. I would be as well, and I truly had no idea or I would have questioned him or told you sooner."

"Well you told me now and don't expect him to be back." Matt snapped.

"I'm sorry," Craig said sheepishly. "We raise money for the Living Arts Program which helps kids get involved in the theater and helps us with productions. There's no denying our payout is better when Kyle is with us. The energy level shoots way up when he performs. I am sorry you didn't know. And I'm sorry he won't be with us."

Matt sat down after Craig left and tried to wrap his head around what he had just found out. He had gone somewhat easy on Kyle after the whole trip with Todd to Navy Pier. He gave the kid a break knowing that he as probably showing off a little for his guest and had kept his phone on. But now he was in utter disbelief that he had been making the trip a routine and leaving him in the dark about it. He was sneaking off and lying about it. He then got in touch with Karen Larson and changed Kyle's afternoon plans.

 _ **~~Present time~~**_

"Um, what did he say," Kyle asked, his eyes darting around the room.

"Oh, he told me a lot. Like how you sing with the group every week without fail. I found that to be very interesting."

"Oh," Kyle said quietly.

"Oh, that's all you have to say is oh?"

"I asked you if I could sing with them and you said no."

"When did you ask me?" Matt questioned.

"That day when we were at the lake and we were talking. I asked maybe if I could sing with them sometimes and you asked how old they were and when I said they were adults you said no."

"You spoke in generalities and my answer was no and, yet you didn't accept it did you?"

"I love singing with them. It's so much better than in school."

"So that makes disobeying me okay?"

"No, but it makes me happy. Music is the only thing that helps with the noise inside my head. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to drown, but the music is like one of those life rings."

Matt stepped back physically and metaphorically for a moment. "Do you need to go back and talk to Dr. Sawyer?"

"No, I need to sing, to be full of music. This noise will never go away, it's part of who I am, and I found a way to deal with it."

Matt wanted to say something inspirational or at the very least understanding but nothing came to mind so he moved forward with his questions. "When did you even rehearse with them or did that happen in the middle of the night when I was sleeping?"

"No, I learned the songs during the summer theater group that I was in."

"How did you sneak out? Was Gretchen even there? Was she paying attention?" Matt demanded to know.

"She was there. It was my fault."

"I'm sure it was, but she bears some responsibility. I don't pay her so you can take off to do whatever the hell you want."

"Please don't blame her."

"Maybe you should have thought of that before you left every week."

"Well, you know how she's putting herself through college and she gets up really early every day to work in the school cafeteria. She even does it in the summer because there's enough summer classes to make opening the cafeteria worth it. So anyway, she gets up super early in the morning, plus she's taking online classes too."

"And." Matt urged.

"Well after dinner she usually lies down and falls asleep. I just leave her a note that I'm at a friend's house and will be back. I'm always back on time. She has no idea."

"I've checked your phone and it has always said you were at home."

"I left it at home in case you checked," Kyle admitted.

"Well guess what kiddo, your summer is over and no guitar lessons either," Matt said his voice rising with each syllable.

In the background Kelly said to no one in particular, "guitar lessons? When was he going to have time for guitar lessons?"

Matt opened his mouth to continue but the call signals went out for all vehicles for a structure fire. "This isn't over." Matt said pointing at his son. "We have a lot more to discuss, so you sit your butt down at the table and Connie is going to give you a piece of paper where you will write 'I will not lie.' And 'I will not sneak out'. Until the front and back is full. You will not move until I get back," Matt said, his face reflecting how furious he was.

"Let's go Casey," Chief Boden said as he passed by.

"But what if—?" Kyle began.

"Casey now!" Boden yelled.

And just like that it was suddenly Kyle and Connie and a lot of quiet. Kyle looked over as Connie set down a large pad of yellow paper and a pen. "Legal paper? That's not fair," Kyle whined at the extra-long paper.

"You better get started then," Connie said without sympathy.

Kyle blew air into his cheeks and let it out slowly as he looked over at the table. "I'm going to put my baseball gear in my dad's quarters," he told Connie trying to buy just another minute of freedom. Connie glanced his way and then back at her own work. He dropped his bag by the door and looked over at the zoo snapshot that showed father and son. He looked closely at his father's face and realized he was going to see a very different expression when he returned from the call. Kyle had blown it big time and now he was going to pay for it in so many different ways.

" **Connie," Kyle whined after nearly forty-five minutes,** "I need to go to the bathroom. That has to be allowed right?"

Connie, wearing her favorite look of disdain gave a slight nod. Kyle got up as his stomach rumbled. "Didn't get any lunch," he said with a grimace. He stepped over Pouch who had taken up residence next to Kyle's feet and wobbled towards the bathroom in his baseball cleats. Thankfully his age group was only allowed rubber cleats as opposed to metal. Metal cleats could only be worn on the field but because rubber didn't have the same restrictions he hadn't brought any extra sneakers thinking he was going straight home after practice.

He did his business and then after washing his hands he splashed some water on his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He shook his head sending water droplets everywhere. He felt like disappearing, hell, he felt like crying. He hated disappointing people, most especially his dad, but he just couldn't help himself. When he had been asked to join the group nothing else mattered to him but participating. It was hard for him only going once or twice a week depending on Matt's schedule. Now it was all but over, his singing on the Pier and perhaps his life—well his life as he had known it anyway.

He clomped his way back to the table, stopping halfway to take his cleats off. When he sat down he found a package of peanut butter crackers and a bottle of water waiting for him. He looked over at Connie, thanked her and smiled. She just waved him off.

He made short work of his snack and continue to write, filling up the entire front and about a third of the back page before he heard the rumblings of the trucks returning. He wondered if the interruption helped soothe his father's ire or if it took him from a slow simmer to a rolling boil.

"I would not want to be in Kyle's shoes right now," Cruz commented as he jumped out of the truck. "He's yelled at me enough times that I know he can lay it down hard."

Kelly looked over at him as he mashed his lips down opened his eyes wide. He also knew being the target of Matt's wrath was no fun. He hoped that Kyle would just keep his comments to himself and accept whatever his father had in mind. He knew Kyle was capable, Kelly had put the boy in his place more than once with a stern word or two and he usually kept quiet and acted contrite. He only hoped that Kyle understood that Matt meant business and whatever fury was released Kyle would just shut up and take it.

Kyle looked up and saw his father marching towards him. Any hope he had that his dad had calmed down quickly went out the window. "Outside now!" Matt ordered.

"I'm not one of your crew," Kyle said and immediately regretted it. He had no idea what he had been thinking.

"That's right, you're my child and because you are my son, I am responsible for you every second of the day, not just on shift. Every minute that you are not with me is a minute I worry about where you are and what you are doing. And when you are not where you are supposed to be I have an issue with that. And since that seems to have been an issue in your recent behavior we will be talking outside!" Matt stated, his voice pretty much at a yell by the end of the last sentence.

Kyle realizing his stupidity held up the notebook. "I finished the whole first page and got a lot done on the second page."

"Great. You can finish it when I'm done with you." He said waving his arm towards the back door. "Let's go. Now!"

Kyle knew he was in the dog house now. Going outside meant it was getting real. The most privacy you could get at the house was outside. No witnesses. Kyle gulped and followed his father. He had barely shut the door behind him when the tirade began.

"Kyle James Casey, I am so disappointed in you I can't even put it into words. You've been lying to me all summer. Do you not recall our conversation in which I told you no more running around the city alone, something that should be pretty clear to begin with."

"But Dad," Kyle began.

"I'm talking. You're listening, because there isn't anything you can say to me right now that will make this right. Needless to say you are grounded and don't ask me for how long because I haven't even begun to decide. How much baseball do you have left?" Kyle just stared at his dad quietly. "You can answer me."

"The tournament this weekend is the last event."

"If the team didn't need you, you wouldn't be going. And I'm debating about your soccer season." Kyle opened his mouth to say something but a quick glare from Matt made him shut it again. "You can also forget about Todd coming up for a weekend."

"But he didn't do anything," Kyle said forgetting about the protocol.

"That's right, he didn't. It's called collateral damage son. It means that what you did cost other people. Because you screwed up, he loses out. And Gretchen isn't in great shape either."

"You can't fire her," Kyle begged.

"I'm not going to. But we need to talk. I understand her fatigue, but I pay her to watch you not allow you to roam. I think you owe her an apology. You lied to her just as much as you lied to me, maybe even more so.

"Also, your phone will be mine."

"But what if I need to get in touch with you?"

"You seemed to have forgotten the no talking policy that I mandated. You won't need your phone because you will be with me. The only time we won't be together is when I'm on a call. I already cleared it with Chief and this will be your home when I'm on shift. You of course know all the rules that are expected of you while you are here and I certainly have faith that you will follow them. You will be here with me, you will work my contracting jobs with me, you will run errands with me. You will not be left with anyone but me, Gabby or Kelly. You are costing Gretchen enough money that she may have to look for another job. Do you now understand how serious your actions were?" Once again Kyle just stood mute. "Don't be a smartass, answer me."

"Yes sir. I'm sorry."

"Well you damn well ought to be. What if something had happened to you while you were out and you didn't even have a phone on you. I had no idea where you were. Had you thought about that?"

"I guess not."

"I guess you didn't think about a lot of things. Where's your phone?"

Kyle panicked when he didn't feel it in his back pocket but then he remembered he was in his baseball pants. His dirty, itchy, hot, polyester baseball pants. "It's in my baseball bag which I put in your quarters."

"Where are your shoes?" Matt asked as he finally noticed his son's socked feet.

"Unless you're on dirt and grass they suck to walk in. I took them off."

"Gabby was going to stop by the house and get you a change of clothes."

"Okay," Kyle said quietly.

"This isn't over kid, this is so far from over. But right now, I want you back inside and you are going to sit down and finish those sentences."

Matt opened the door and ushered Kyle inside where they nearly ran into Gabby who was carrying a bag of clothes. "Shorts, t-shirt, sleep shorts, socks, underwear and toothbrush."

"Thanks," Kyle told her as he took the bag. "Dad can I go change now?"

"Yes you may. Then back to what I told you."

Kyle nodded and headed towards the bathroom.

"So how did it go?" Gabby asked.

"Well, we're both still alive." Matt said as he blew out a mouthful of air.

"Good enough," she said as she watched her stepson walk away.

Kyle was relieved to find that Gabby had also included sneakers and the book he had been reading in the bag. She definitely seemed to have that motherly sixth sense of what was needed. He quickly changed and stuffed his dirty clothes into the bag and headed to Matt's quarters hoping that he could have a final moment with his phone before its hiatus from his life. But once he turned the corner he saw his beloved piece of technology was already in his father's hands.

"Can't I send out a group text to let everyone know that I won't have my phone for a while?"

"No," Matt said matter-of-factly. "I turned it off and it will stay off. And next time don't drop your bag right by the door I nearly tripped over it."

"For how long?" Kyle asked as he grimaced, ignoring Matt's request about his baseball bag.

"That depends on you. You give me a hard time you may never see it again. You fall in line and do as you're told then perhaps you can have visitation rights. Go back and finish writing your sentences while I do some paperwork." Kyle silently turned and went back to the table passing by Otis and Cruz who were busy in the kitchen.

Awhile later with only a few lines to go Kyle flexed his fingers and tried to breathe some more life and blood back into his fingers. He knew his father was still mightily pissed off at him and it was probably best to sit here and stay out of the way for as long as possible. It was just his luck that his father had a job that could accommodate his presence. All he wanted to do was go home and punch his pillow and damn his luck.

Kyle began to scribble out the last few lines, his writing worsening as his digits showed their fatigue, when two plates were pushed towards him. He looked up to see Cruz smiling and Otis wagging his eyebrows. "What's this?"

"We have a bet as to whose hotdogs taste better, mine or his." Cruz stated.

"Ask your coworkers," Kyle advised.

"That's it, we have. It's pretty much split down the middle." Otis replied.

"Just try a bit of mine and take a drink and try a bit of his," Cruz explained placing a glass of milk next to the plates. "To cleanse your palette," he said looking at the milk.

"No thanks," Kyle said pushing both plates away.

"He can try mine first and then yours," Otis argued.

"Whatever. We just need a kid's opinion. Is mine," Cruz began, "with its hearty toppings of cheese and chili what the people want or yours," he said looking at Otis, "with its sauerkraut and peppers and onions the favorite?"

"Probably depends on how soon people want the heart attack to occur," Kyle replied as he scratched out one more sentence.

"The hotdogs are all beef and kosher," Joe said proudly.

"Great," Kyle smiled. "But no thanks."

"Come on you have to be hungry," they both pleaded.

"No thanks," Kyle tried again.

"We're just asking for a bite, just one bite of each one. You don't have to eat the whole thing," Joe tried.

"A small bite then," Otis tried.

"I don't eat meat okay!" Kyle snapped.

"What?" Both men said as they looked at each other and then at Kyle.

"I. Don't. Eat. Meat." Kyle said slowly.

"Since when?" Joe asked.

"Is this new?" Brian added.

"No, it's not new. It's been like five years."

"But when you were here earlier this summer you helped cook and there was meat in the spaghetti sauce and in that bean stew." Cruz tried.

"Yeah some kind of spicy sausage and you ate that." Brian said.

"You're right I did eat it, but it wasn't meat." Kyle stated.

"What, what do you mean it wasn't meat?" Cruz asked, his face twisting into something unreadable.

"There's a lot of great meat substitutes out there. So good in fact that people don't even know it's not meat. A fact that appears to have been proven by you two. And don't act all grossed out. You guys eat hotdogs."

"When did this happen?" Otis asked.

"After my mother died I stayed with my aunt who I discovered was vegan. She explained the diet to me and I watched a couple of documentaries. It felt right."

"So you don't eat meat," Otis said rubbing his small soul patch.

"Or drink milk," Kyle said pushing that away as well.

"Huh and you think you know a kid," Cruz said snatching up his hotdog and glass of milk and sitting down a few chairs away.

Kyle finished up the writing portion of his punishment and took it over to Matt who was still in his quarters working on his own paperwork. "All done?" Matt asked.

"Yes sir," he said handing it over. "I was getting pretty tired so it gets kind of sloppy at the end."

"I see that," Matt replied. "But you finished it."

"And I didn't write too big either."

"And you didn't write to big either," Matt agreed. "I think Squad is getting ready to wash the truck. Why don't you go see if you can help?"

"Okay," Kyle said as he turned and left happy to get outside and use his whole body instead of just his hand.

As he passed by Cruz, who had given up on the hotdog and was outside preparing to scrub, he stopped Kyle. "You really don't eat meat?"

Kyle sighed. "I really don't."

"Why?"

"Because nobody has accomplished anything great by being just like everyone else," Kyle answered. He then grabbed a wet sponge and started on the trucks passenger door. Leaving Cruz to contemplate to himself.

But not ten minutes later the call went out for everyone to rush to a car accident. As the men were heading towards their gear Cruz asked Matt, "Hey, do you know your kid doesn't eat meat or dairy?"

"Yes Cruz I'm fully aware. I figured as soon as he realized macaroni and cheese was no longer an option he would give up the diet."

"But he didn't," Cruz answered as he slammed his feet into his boots.

"Nope, now he just makes his own."

"Good for him," Joe said with a nod as he climbed into the driver's seat. "He's his own man."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Matt said quietly and to no one in particular.


	9. Let's Take A Walk

Let's Take A Walk

 **When they came back over an hour later Kyle was helping Connie file and looking bored which pleased Matt to no end.**

"Where's your dad?" Kelly asked later as Kyle slipped the last file into place.

"I don't know, mopping up what's left my soul."

"A little harsh don't you think?"

Kyle shrugged. "I think he might be in the laundry room. I saw him with my uniform a few minutes ago."

"Thanks," Kelly said turning and heading off that direction. He found Matt spraying a stain treatment on a very serious looking grass stain.

"What's up?" Matt wondered as Kelly entered.

"Is it okay if I take your kid for a walk? I think a break from the house for a minute might be good for him."

"He's only been here for a few hours."

"Okay, well then, I thought he might want to talk."

"About what an asshole I am?" Matt asked.

"Hey, you did what you needed to. He needed a kick in the ass. What he did was so unacceptable it's off the charts. It's your job as his father to set him straight, not be his buddy and let his behavior slide."

"I guess so." Matt sighed.

"But it is my job to be his buddy and listen to him vent about his father," Kelly said with a smile. "Listen you know that neither you nor I would have fared any better with our fathers. He got what was coming to him."

"It's the fact that he did it over and over again. Not just once, but—I don't even know how many times. So many things could have happened to him. It's not that he lied once or even twice but so much that I can't even believe him anymore. I just don't even know what to do or think."

"You know that we all lie as kids. Hell, we lie as adults. He'll snap out of it and besides I think you are doing fine. Just keep doing it."

Matt nodded and rubbed the stain remover into the knees of Kyle's uniform pants as Kelly turned and left.

"Hey kid, let's go for a walk," Kelly said as Kyle filled up a glass of water at the sink. Kyle opened his mouth to say something but Kelly interrupted him. "I already checked with your dad and he's okay with it."

"Okay. Where will we walk?" Kyle asked as they stopped at Kelly's gear.

"Obviously not far," he said as he put his boots and pants on just case a call came in while they were outside.

"Can Pouch come?" Kyle asked as the dog came trotting over.

"Sure, grab her leash," Kelly said as he finished getting ready.

They walked out into the sunshine and slight breeze and headed down towards the corner, walking slowly as Pouch sniffed her surroundings. She loved when Kyle came to visit as she usually was the beneficiary of his time and attention.

"So how are you doing?" Kelly asked.

"How do you think? I just killed my whole summer and left a lot of future plans up in the air."

"You know what, you are growing up way too fast."

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked as he reached down and scratched the dog's ears.

"You said I. You took the responsibility. I figured that you would say 'my dad took my summer away'.

"I know I screwed up. I did what I wanted without permission. I guess somehow, I convinced myself that since I didn't specifically ask him, and he didn't say no then it was okay. But of course, all along I knew it wasn't."

"Which is why you left your phone at home. You are just like your mother and your father too."

"Deceptive?" Kyle asked.

"No. Driven. None of you could ever sit still…never stop."

"Tell me about it. It's like my brain only has one gear and I can never downshift."

"Well that's genetics for you kiddo. Matt, Mr. Firefighter, contractor, alderman on top of being a single parent. And your mother, well if she wasn't perfect she stressed about what went wrong even if it was the smallest thing. She would obsess about how she could have done better, made a bigger difference."

"No wonder I'm so screwed up."

"You're not screwed up."

"I just wanted to do this one thing that I really wanted to do. To have fun."

"You don't have fun? Not at school or playing sports?"

Kyle shrugged. "Yes, sometimes. But not like this. Everything else has pressure involved. I get so overwhelmed. I mean I go to a private school where I'm in honors classes. I have to participate in the chorus so that I can keep my scholarship and even with that my dad pays a fortune in tuition fees. I can't afford to slip up there. I'm in theater because I like some of it and it leads me to other things like what I was doing at the Pier."

"So, with that full plate why do the sports?"

Kyle looked at him like he was crazy. "Did you not just hear me? If I was an honors student in a private school involved in chorus and theater—well how would I not get beat up every day? Probably twice a day. The sports help even me out, so I'm not a one dimensional."

"One dimensional?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, that dimension being a nerd. It's a lot harder to call me a sissy or a nerd if I'm scoring top shelf in hockey or throwing out someone out at first base in baseball. Being mediocre in three sports is better than not playing them at all. Plus, this year we can start checking in hockey."

"You're not a half bad hockey player."

"It's just because I can skate well. But the other kids are catching up to me."

"You do fine," Kelly assured.

"Do you think my dad wants me to be a firefighter like him?" Kyle asked changing the subject.

"I think he wants you to do what makes you happy."

"Except go down to Navy Pier and sing." Kyle responded.

A couple of teenagers passed by and gave Kelly the once-over. "Hey firefighter man," one said smiling at the half dressed Kelly as he walked by.

Kelly nodded as they stopped at the corner and turned around. "I don't think he has a problem with that per se, but it was the manner in which you did it that has him a little upset."

"I guess. But life is short, carpe diem and all that."

Kelly smiled. "Nothing wrong with that except that you have to obey your father when you are out the seizing the day."

"Sometimes I wish—never mind," Kyle finished.

"Sometimes what?" Kelly asked.

"It's nothing."

"It's something. Now spill it."

"It's just that sometimes I wish you were my father."

Kelly arched his eyebrows in disbelief. "Me? I don't think so kiddo. Our relationship is one that I treasure but most certainly wouldn't be the same if you were my son. Fathers have to be the bad guys sometimes, that's their job and they wouldn't be doing it if they tried to your friend all the time." Kelly said thinking of that very recent conversation. "If I was your father—well first off I wouldn't know what the hell I was doing so it wouldn't be pretty from the beginning. But we wouldn't have what we have now and I rather like our relationship as it is.

"Your father loves you so much. It practically oozes out of his pores. When he heard what you had been doing I thought he was going to collapse. Dude if anything ever happened to you he would be crushed. You can't keep playing these games of 'Where's Kyle'. It has to end and I'm telling you right now to end it or you may see a side of me you don't want to. You think your father is tough you haven't seen me in parent mode. Understood?" Kyle just stood still and looked over at the firehouse which they had walked back to. "Understood?" Kelly asked again.

Kyle nodded. "Say it, tell me that you understand?" Kelly insisted.

"I understand," Kyle said.

"Not liking me so much now are you?"

Kyle sighed. "I get it. And don't think I don't love my father because I do, very much. I think I clearly showed that with the first round of 'Where's Kyle'. It's just that sometimes I feel like that no matter what he isn't happy with me."

"What? Where do you get that from? He is so proud of everything you do. Maybe he doesn't always say it, we're all bad about saying positive things to each other, but there is no doubt in my mind that you are his pride and joy."

"A little cliché don't you think?"

"Maybe, but also very accurate. So, are you going to clean up your act or do I need to arrange it so that you spend a week with me?"

"A fun week?" Kyle tried.

"Anything but kid, anything but. I'm with your father all the way on this. But I also want you to know that I am here for you and you can tell me anything."

"I know I can. I'll just stick it out with my dad for now." Kyle answered just as the call signal went off.

"Get out of the way," Kelly yelled towards Kyle who was in the middle of the driveway with the dog.

"Kelly," he shouted as Kelly paused and looked back. "Thank you."

Kelly nodded. "I love you kid. Don't forget that."

"Never," Kyle replied but it was drowned out by the engines starting and the sirens wailing.

That night Kyle had tossed and turned in his bed. Sleep was always difficult for him, but when sharing the room with several other people it nearly made it impossible. He had finally drifted off only to have a nightmare wake him up. He couldn't really remember much other than the feeling of falling and trying to reach out for his father but coming up empty. Then just seconds after he woke up he heard that familiar tone and mechanical voice pipe up for a house fire. Lots of noise ensued then the eerie quiet that followed after everyone was out of the building. He knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep anytime soon so he got up got himself a glass of water and went to his father's quarters and found the book that Gabby had brought him earlier. He tugged up the undershirt that Matt had given him earlier to sleep in after he had spilled juice all over his t-shirt. It still smelled of his father and that somehow soothed him as he climbed into Matt's bed and adjusted the pillow.

 **Upon returning to the firehouse hours later,** Matt quickly took his gear offand went to make sure Kyle was still tucked in safely. His heart dropped into his stomach when he found an empty bed. He ran to the bathroom but found it empty as well.

"Relax," Kelly said quietly as Matt returned to Kyle's bed hoping in some way that he would have appeared during his brief absence. Kelly waved Matt towards his quarters that were just a few feet away. "He's in your bed," he whispered.

Matt looked over to see Kyle half under the covers. A paperback book laid on the floor nearby.

"He missed his dad," Kelly whispered as Matt's heart rate began to settle back into a normal rhythm. "Why don't you come back to my quarters for a few minutes?" He suggested. Matt nodded and followed his friend and coworker.

Kelly sat down on his bed while Matt took the chair by the desk. "How did your talk go?" Matt asked.

"Fine. He actually impressed me."

"Oh, how so?"

"He took responsibility for his actions. He actually blamed himself for his punishment not you. It kind of surprised me as most adults don't even do that."

"Is he mad at me?"

Kelly quietly chuckled. "Of course he is. But again, he understands on some level your reaction is due to his actions. But he can't totally blame himself, now can he? It sucks being in charge sometimes. But he knows you love him. He'll get over this."

"I was so angry with him for doing this. I thought he understood from our conversations after his night out that this wasn't okay. I had dared to hope that the behavior was simply a reaction to specific circumstances. But then he does this and now I'm afraid that he is heading down a path that I can't stop."

"Relax Dad, he'll be okay. He's a good kid, he is just pushing his boundaries."

"It's just that if anything ever happened to him—I don't, I don't think I could survive it. When I found his bed empty just now—well I've been having this dream."

"Must be genetic," Kelly said.

"Maybe so." Matt said with a tight smile. "The dream always starts the same, it's the middle of the night and I'm asleep when there's this knocking at the door. Someone is beating on it, the kind of pounding that says whoever is there won't go away until you answer it. So, I get up and there's two men standing in the hallway. One is in regular clothes and the other is in a police uniform. The one in plain clothes asks me if I have a young son with brown hair and blue eyes. I tell him yes and he says I have to come with him. It's clear that whatever is going on is bad. I tell them that my son is in bed, so they tell me to check on him." Matt takes a deep breath before continuing. "But when I go back to his bedroom—his bed is empty, and I just fall to the floor because I know that something horrible has happened to him."

"Phew that's rough," Kelly replied.

"I've had it six or seven times since that night he didn't come home."

"You don't have to be a genius to see the link. You're afraid of losing him, he's afraid of losing you."

"Yeah. I guess so," Matt whispered. "I remember when he was around four years old or so and for a reason I can no longer remember he darted into traffic and almost got hit by a car. I pulled him back to the curb and wasn't sure if I want to beat the hell out of him or hug him."

"Welcome to parenthood. I remember the first time I saw him. You had called and told me that Hallie was in labor and I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. By the time I made it he had already been born. I found out the room Hallie was in and when I came in you were standing there holding him; a little blue bundle. The smile on your face was just so alive. I don't know if I've ever seen you happier. I mean I've seen you pretty happy, but that smile."

"Hallie loved him. She really did. It's that just she was under so much pressure. I had hoped she would take some time off, but she said she'd fall too far behind. I think part of me was secretly happy, because that meant that I got to spend more time with him, to bond with him, to be the parent that he went to first."

"The timing definitely wasn't the best for having a baby, but there never is a good time. I'm not complaining because I get the best of both worlds." Kelly commented.

"Is that right?"

"Sure, I get to spend time with kid, don't have to discipline him much and he hardly costs me anything."

Matt smiled. "I've always been grateful to you for stepping up. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"You'd have been fine. Me on the other hand—" Kelly said smiling. "How are he and Gabby getting along?" 

"Okay I guess. It's like they are afraid to commit to their roles. I think Kyle is afraid to get close to her, because our relationship has been a little up and down."

"He's afraid you guys might split up again. He told me he feels like the only reason you got married was because of Louie and now he's gone."

"He told you that?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, several months ago."

"Makes sense I guess. And her father living with us sure didn't do much for our relationship. But we're doing well now. I think on Gabby's part she doesn't want to push him. So, they just sort of coexist."

"Well you'll know there's forward progress the first time he yells 'you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother' at her," Kelly said.


	10. Was It Worth It

Was It Worth It

 **Two weeks later—**

"I'm going to run outside for a second," Kyle told Gabby who was setting a pan in the sink to soak.

"No, I don't think so. You're still grounded and your dad said that you are in for the night."

"He's not here and it's just for a minute."

"Sorry kiddo, but no."

"You're not even my mother besides I'll be right back," Kyle snapped.

Gabby took a breath and counted to five and when she turned back around Kyle was gone. "Oh no he didn't," she said as she checked the apartment to find it empty.

She went outside and looked up and down the street but didn't see him. She shook her head in frustration and pulled her phone out and scrolled to Matt's contact information but as her thumb hovered she changed her mind and stuck the phone back in her pocket and began to walk down the street.

"Are you okay? What's up? I'm not supposed to be out here." Kyle asked Hannah as she sat on her favorite swing at the small neighborhood playground.

"I just needed to see you," she said as she smiled at him.

"See me? I'm still grounded. My dad's not home, but I'm sure my step-mother will fill him in on my absence."

"You've been grounded forever and I miss seeing you."

"Well that's creepy."

"Creepy," Hannah said getting out the swing and walking up to him. "You're supposed to say sweet, or nice or that you're honored."

"Well, I am honored, but I'm also going to be in trouble."

"Am I worth getting in trouble for?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Is this worth it?" Hannah asked as he she pulled Kyle close and put her lips on his. Kyle was surprised at first but quickly relaxed and reciprocated. His first kiss and he was barely eleven. Was he even supposed to like girls yet? He wasn't sure but this seemed nice. Hannah was a year older than him so that had to mean something great too.

Once they parted Kyle stepped back and blew out a mouthful of air. "Yeah. Actually I think it was worth it."

"I hoped you'd see it that way."

"I never knew that you—you liked me like that."

"Boys can be so dumb," she said shaking her head. "You better go. Sorry if you get in trouble. But I just couldn't wait anymore. You have to start following the rules so I can see you again."

"Sure, but you kind of pulled me off track."

"I won't do it again. But come find me as soon as you you're free."

"Sure," Kyle replied still a little of uncertain of what had just happened.

Behind a tree nearby Gabby bit back a smile. He was so young, was he ready for this? Was she or Matt ready for this? It was probably a one-time thing, young love was so fickle. She turned and jogged back down the street and sat down on the steps in front of the apartment and waited for Kyle.

Kyle half walked and half floated down the street. It wasn't until he saw Gabby waiting for him that he fell back to earth. He stopped in front of her and chewed on his lower lip. "Are you going to tell my dad?"

"Have a seat," Gabby said as she patted the concrete next to her. "Yes I'm going to tell your dad, because I don't like keeping things from him. Do you want to tell me what that was all about?"

Kyle sat down next to Gabby and looked over at her trying to gauge what her face was reflecting. "A friend needed to see me."

Gabby decided not share what she had seen, at least not at this point. "And that couldn't be done via a text or call?"

"Dad has my phone, so no, no text or call. He wouldn't even allow me to tell my friends that I had lost my phone privileges, so yes, some are wondering what's going on."

"Oh, fair point. Then tell me without out a phone how did the person get in touch with you?"

"The old fashioned way. They sent someone to tap on my bedroom window and tell me when and where to meet them."

"Oh I see. And when and where is that? And by the way who?"

"Just now and down by the playground." Kyle answered. "Are we done yet?" He asked standing up.

"No we're not. Not yet." Gabby replied noticing he never did answer who he went to see.

Kyle sat back down in a huff. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said about you not being my mother."

"That's not what this is about. And besides you're right, I'm not your mother and I don't want you to feel that I'm trying to take her memory away from you. But I am married to your father and we will be in each other's lives for a long time. I think it's time we get ourselves sorted out."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kyle asked.

"I feel like we haven't really defined our relationship. To me it feels like we live in the same house and participate in some of the same things, but we haven't really bonded. I love your father, and I love you, and I just want it all to work."

"It didn't work with my mother why will it work with you?" Kyle said surprising Gabby.

She took a minute to regain her thoughts. "Your parents had their struggles just as most couples do and I am sorry that their relationship didn't work out, I really am. Your dad and I are going to do our best to get through any problems that arise."

"Sure, whatever," Kyle said standing up again. "He never wanted you to leave but you did and you didn't care that you broke his heart. Then, the only reason you wanted to marry him was because of Louie and now he's gone, so what's keeping you here?" He stomped off back into the hallway and then the apartment.

"Well, that went just great," Gabby said as she sat alone.

After a minute she got up and retreated back into the apartment and when she didn't see Kyle anywhere she went to his bedroom and found the door shut. She knocked several times and got no response. "Kyle, can we talk some more?"

"Why?" Kyle asked.

"Can I come in?" She asked and when she heard no response she turned the knob to find it locked.

"Unlock the door. You know you're aren't supposed to lock it."

The unlocked door had been a rule that Matt had instilled long before Gabby had come into the household. Thinking like a typical first-responder he didn't want anything slowing him or anyone else down if something were to happen and Kyle needed help quickly.

"Why do I even have the lock if I can't use it?" Kyle demanded to know behind the still sealed door.

"Because you can use it from time to time; like when you're changing, but not just because." In reality Gabby figured it was because Matt just never changed the knob out. "Now unlock the door. I'm a firefighter I can take the door off if I need to."

Finally Gabby heard the lock click and she opened the door. "Can I come in or should I talk from here?"

"Whatever you want to do," Kyle said from his spot on the bed where he cradled a book.

Gabby walked into the room that was adorned with all kinds of sports memorabilia and a framed professionally taken picture of Kyle in his portrayal of Gavroche in Les Mis, center stage singing his heart out. The show had sold out all ten nights that it had run.

"Back to our conversation from outside. I think you know why I'm still here."

"Sure, it's because you love my dad and me too," Kyle said as he gazed at the pages of his book.

Gabby could tell he wasn't really focused on what was in front of him, but fought for his attention nonetheless. "Can you put the book away and look at me?" Kyle looked peeved but set the book aside and sat up, folded his arms and looked at his stepmother. "Thank you. Do you not believe that I love you guys?"

Kyle dropped his arms. "I know you love him, but I think he loves you more and that's what scares me."

"Well, I love him quite a bit. A ton actually. You've seen the relationship from his side. You saw his dismay when I left because you were here with him. What you didn't see were my tears every night when I cried myself to sleep."

"Then why did you leave?" Kyle demanded.

"Because I had to be sure, your dad had to be sure. It wasn't the right time."

"But it was when you decided it was?"

"We both did," Gabby replied.

"Did you now? Because when you left I don't what I would have done if Kelly hadn't been here to help me pick up the pieces of the broken heart that you left behind." Kyle shook his head. "It was okay, though, in fact it was great. I liked what we had; me, Dad, Kelly together. It was fantastic."

"I bet it was. Three bachelors living it up."

"Not really. Only Kelly qualified because I'm too young for that terminology and Dad never really let go of his attachment to you. I think he tried but it just wasn't going to happen."

"And it didn't happen to me either which is why we're together now. I understand your fears, but you can't live like that."

"Like what? In reality?"

"Life is full of unknowns you of all people know that. But we have to look forward and embrace what we have and enjoy it, not constantly worry about losing it. I love you and your father and I don't know how else to prove that to you other than by doing what I'm doing." She paused in thought when her phone chirped.

"Is that Dad?" Kyle asked as she checked it.

"No, it's your soccer coach telling me I'm responsible for snacks at the first game."

"You signed me up? I thought Dad wasn't sure if he was going to let me play or not?"

"He's not, but I think he forgot you have to sign up so damn early. I figured it would be easier to apologize rather than ask permission. If he's really against it we'll just pull you out, but I figured it would be worth a try."

"Thanks," Kyle said softening. "Do you think he'll go for it?"

"I think if we give him some more time and I explain that if you're playing then you'll be in a supervised activity he'll let it go. But Kyle, you have to start following the rules and quit disappearing. You're lucky that nothing has happened to you."

"That's what Kelly said."

"Well Kelly is right."

"But now you're going to tell him that I left and I'll be in trouble again. He's really going to be pissed."

"Language young man."

"Sorry." Kyle whispered.

"Do you need to be reminded that you did leave? You are certainly not helping your case at all."

"I know. It's just that I only needed my phone for a minute to tell people but he wouldn't let me have it."

"I got it. How about this—I'll tell him what happened and why—that a friend was worried about you. I won't specify that you were gone for over fifteen minutes."

"It was that long? Really?"

"Yeah really. So he'll know what happened, but I'll tell him that I took care of it."

Kyle studied Gabby for a minute. "How are you going to take care of it?"

"Did you notice that kitchen full of dirty dishes?" Kyle nodded. "Clean the kitchen up and I'll do the best I can with Matt. Deal?"

"Best one I'll get I guess," Kyle said as he slid off of his bed and headed towards the kitchen.

 **Not long after** Kyle had finished up in the kitchen and gone back to his room he heard the sounds of his father coming home. He stood up and put his ear up to his door but could hear voices but no specific words. He did hear his father's voice go down an octave or two but it quickly evened back out. From what he could tell Gabby was staying true to her word.

"Kyle can you come out here please?" Matt yelled from the living room. Kyle took a deep breath and opened his door and followed his father's voice. "Have a seat," he said pointing to the couch. "I understand that you took a little trip this evening." Kyle nodded that he had. "What possessed you to do that knowing that you are grounded?"

The boy looked over at Gabby. "I thought she explained everything to you?"

"I'm asking you," Matt said.

Kyle explained how the meeting came about and made sure to state how if he had had a chance to tell his friends with his phone before it had been confiscated none of this would have happened.

Matt listened patiently and didn't interrupt. "So you're saying this could have all been avoided if I hadn't taken your phone away so quickly?"

"Exactly!" Kyle replied.

"No. This could have been avoided if you hadn't lost your phone in the first place because you were going down to the Pier alone and without permission on a regular basis. And, it also wouldn't have happened if you had told the messenger to tell whoever that you were grounded and couldn't come!" Matt snapped.

"Who did you go see and why couldn't they come by themselves?" Gabby asked gently trying to break up the tension.

"Hannah. She can't come because her parents are totally weird and don't let her off of her block. She was worried about me because she hadn't heard from me."

"I don't think I'd call her parents weird for wanting their daughter to stay close." Matt replied.

"They are weird Dad. They are super religious, and hardly let Hannah out at all except school and the park."

"Does she go to a private school?" Gabby asked.

"No, public. There was some kind of school in their church basement but it got shutdown for some reason so she went back to public school."

"And what did you two talk about?" Matt asked. Gabby had told him about the kiss but both agreed that they would keep it to themselves—at least for now.

"She was just checking on me."

"That's all?"

"Yes, that's all. Then I came right back."

"And Gabby asked you where you were and then you cleaned the kitchen up?"

"Yes," Kyle agreed. "Look you still haven't even told me how long I'm grounded for and school starts in a few weeks."

"I was basing it on your behavior, which has been pretty good up until this indiscretion."

"Meaning?" Kyle asked.

"Meaning I don't like what happened today at all."

"But you always forget about all the times I've been good—days and days. Weeks!" Kyle pleaded.

"You should always be good," Matt said. Kyle just squinted his eyes at his father in disbelief. "But you have helped out with everything I've asked with only minimal complaining. If you sail through tomorrows shift in good order you can have your phone back—" Matt put his finger up as Kyle nearly leapt with excitement. "For two hours a day until school starts. Then if all goes well you can have it all day. As for your grounding being over I'm thinking the week before school."

Kyle wasn't sure how happy he was about this news, but he knew if he complained it wouldn't get him anywhere so he just nodded and went back to his room.


	11. Dancing in the Moonlight

Dancing in the Moonlight

Dancing in the Moonlight

The next day Kyle didn't want to get out of bed and Matt had to keep pushing and prodding to get him going.

"It's summer and I'm still getting up early to go on shift or to your construction jobs. This sucks." Kyle complained as he tied his shoes.

"Well you could be in bed right now but you decided that running down to the pier without permission was the priority in your life so here you are. Now let's go. We're not going to be late." Matt stated pointing a warning finger at his son.

They made it on time but without much to spare. Father and son had not started off on the right foot and Matt was already debating about not giving Kyle his phone back, but thought he'd give the boy the rest of the rest of the day to straighten himself out. He knew it had been a long summer for him, but then again, he had brought it all upon himself. Matt had decided long ago that he would a raise a responsible child who understood consequences without expectations of life being easy when he strayed from what was right.

After the shaky start the day only got worse as the first call they were dispatched to involved a fatality of the home owner. They tried desperately to revive her, but she had just taken in too much smoke. Calls that involved the loss of any life were difficult to deal with and the house would often struggle for the remainder of the shift. And they had. Chief had just let them work through it, but it pained him to see them so miserable.

More calls came and went and Chief noticed that Kyle had kept his distance understanding the emotional turmoil of the day. This was one of the reasons he never had an issue when Matt asked of Kyle could stay at the house. The boy was perceptive and would always behave accordingly. By the time evening rolled around the mood hadn't lifted much and Chief wasn't sure what he would be coming back to after a quick errand and was pleasantly surprised when he walked into music and dancing along with a smiling crew.

He had heard the song many times before but hadn't expected to hear "Dancing in the Moonlight" at the firehouse much less see his gang dancing and smiling after all that they had struggled through during the day. But there in the middle, dancing with Sylvie was Kyle, who Chief was certain was the one who orchestrated this whole break from reality. He stood back and watched, a smile spreading across his face as Matt twirled Gabby around and then Kelly and Stella got in on the act. The others were moving and grooving as the song changed to another 1970's tune. His smile continued to glow as he felt the love of this family move through his veins. But finally, Kyle looked over and upon seeing him, raced over to his phone and shut it down.

"Sorry Chief. I didn't—we just—I brought my speaker from home—and I just thought that," he stammered.

"Kyle, it's okay. In fact, it was great and I'm glad that you brought your speaker and I'm also glad that you're here because I imagine that you are responsible for these smiles that I'm seeing. Follow me to my office young man," Chief said as he passed by. "Oh, and put that music back on."

Kyle blinked but complied using his Bluetooth enabled speaker to pulse out the music from his phone and queued up Lake Shore Drive. He then jogged to the Chief's office. He walked in and bit his lower lip as he looked up at his father's boss.

"Relax, you're not in trouble. Though I wasn't happy about the quick return due to inappropriate behavior I am happy that you are around, most especially today. You gave my people a gift. You were the one who initiated the dance floor out there aren't you?"

"Yes sir. I thought that they could use a distraction."

"I wouldn't even begin to think that you even knew of those songs much less have them on your phone."

"Guardians of the Galaxy."

"I'm sorry what?" Chief asked.

"A lot of the music is from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I try to explore all kinds of music. My teacher says it's the best way to learn."

"Well, I think she or he is right. Don't close the door on anything. Now go on and enjoy your little dance party and tell them to save a dance for me."

"I sure will. Thanks Chief." Kyle said as he bounced out the door and back into the fun.

Boden watched him depart and couldn't help but smile. That boy saved them more than he could ever know. His thoughtfulness, his youth, his promise of tomorrow.

Even though most wouldn't really admit to loving or even listening to most of the selections they all knew each and every song and sang along as they moved their bodies, losing the baggage that they had packed on during the shift. Kyle slipped back into the mass and just began to move with the crowd the smile returning to his face as he was surrounded by his firehouse family.

 **A couple of hours later Kyle walked into Matt's quarters.**

"All ready for bed?" Matt asked.

"Yep," Kyle replied.

"Wash your face and brush your teeth?"

"Yes. Look my hair is wet by my forehead," Kyle said as he offered up his face.

"Teeth?" Matt asked again. Kyle smiled as if that somehow would prove that he had polished his pearly whites. "Okay, climb in bed and I'll be right there."

"I don't need you to tuck me in," Kyle declared, looking offended at the mere offer.

"Of course you don't," Matt said. "How about I come by and check on you in about ten minutes or so. Would that be okay?" 

Kyle's face indicated that no such thing would be okay, but he grunted out "fine. Can I say goodnight to Kelly?"

"Sure you can."

The smile returned to Kyle's face as handed off his toothbrush to Matt and headed towards Kelly's quarters. The door was closed but he could see Kelly sitting on his bed looking at something. He knocked and swung the door open slowly. He looked to see what Kelly had in his hand and discovered it was a picture of Anna. "Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have come in."

"No, it's fine. Come on in. Going to bed?" He asked.

"Yeah. I hope you don't get a call in the middle of the night. Even though I don't have to get up it still interrupts my sleep."

"I bet it does," Kelly agreed.

"Thinking about Anna," Kyle asked as he nodded his head towards the picture.

"Yeah. I guess that call this morning got my emotions going."

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

"Oh?"

"The waves of sadness that come. They come a lot at first, but then lessen so that's good. But then they come when you least expect them and sometimes when you do expect them. But because its not as frequent you're not as prepared for them and they knock you over."

"Yeah, exactly like that," Kelly agreed.

"My dad never really showed much grief after my mom died. I mean I knew it was there, but somehow adults think that they can't show it to kids. But we need to see it, we need to know that our feelings have validity and by seeing your parent grieve it shows us that we can too."

"How old are you?" Kelly asked.

"You know how old I am. I've had a lot of therapy. I paid attention. You pick up things."

"I guess so."

"But yeah, it hits you in the gut, this pit of emptiness that you think will never go away and that nobody else understands. The world just keeps marching on, people going about their daily business, meanwhile you feel all alone and hollow. I feel like grief is what is left of the love that you weren't able to give, and it builds up inside you. Finally, it comes out in your eyes as tears, in your stomach so that you can't eat and in your face as sadness. It's just love that has no place to go.

"I was so happy that you had found Anna. But then I was worried that you were going to move to Springfield. I even checked out train schedules between here and there. That was kind of presumptuous of me since I didn't even know if you would want me to visit. My friend Joey's dad moved down there and he's on the train all the time. He says there's always delays because the freight trains own the tracks and the passenger trains have to wait for them."

Kelly was trying to keep up with Kyle's conversation. "Of course I would want you to visit," he managed to say.

"But then it didn't matter, and I felt so bad for you. You had just gotten through losing Shea and now this. Life just sucks."

"It isn't always easy that's for sure. How's your emptiness today?" Kelly asked.

"Better after we all danced. I turned the music on for you guys, but for me too. Sometimes we forget to be alive."

"You're right we do." Kyle stood there looking uncertain for a moment. "What's wrong?"

"Nietzsche once said that to live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering. Or something like that."

"You read Nietzsche?"

Kyle laughed. "No, just quote him. Whether we like it or not we're the survivors."

Kelly opened his mouth to say something, but then just grabbed Kyle and hauled him onto his bed and tickled him until Kyle begged him to stop. "Thanks kid."

"For what?" Kyle asked.

"For saying goodnight, for being here, for being you and for being just what I needed today."

Kyle shrugged and got up off the bed. "Goodnight man," he told Kelly who grabbed him and pulled him in for a hug and planted a kiss on his head.

"Goodnight kiddo."

Kyle disappeared, walking the several feet to his nighttime resting place as Matt stepped into Kelly's quarters. "Everything okay?" He asked.

"Yeah. Do you know your kid is quoting Nietzsche?"

"No I didn't."

"What are you paying that school?"

"A fortune," Matt replied.

"Well keep paying it," Kelly said with a smile.


	12. Rubber Boots, Sweat and Smoke

Rubber Boots, Sweat and Smoke

Sixth grade started without much fanfare. There was a little bit of a bump when Matt found out about Kyle playing soccer when he was informed that he had to pick Kyle up from his first practice. But Gabby talked him down and took full responsibility for the sign-up and managed to convince Matt that having Kyle in an organized activity was better for everyone.

At the one-month mark of school the teachers are required to send a progress report via e-mail to the parents of their students. It was an update on the students first few weeks of school and how they are adapting to their new grade level. It also opened an easy line of communication between the parents and teachers. Kyle's report was nothing but good news: he was attentive, hardworking, handed in assignments in a timely manner, was polite and friendly. Also, he was keeping up well in the gifted/honors program and should remain in the class.

Matt was thrilled with the positive reports and took Kyle out one Saturday to celebrate. They went to the Natural History Museum and then had lunch out and a trip to the Willis Tower that they still pronounced Sears. Father and son had a wonderful day and Matt made sure that Kyle understood how pleased he was with his behavior and efforts.

"You keep this up and you'll have a great year." Matt said as he parked the truck back at home.

"Can we have more days like this?" Kyle asked.

"Sure we can. Just the two of us." Matt said smiling as he hopped out and came around and fell in step next to Kyle as they walked towards their apartment where Mrs. Kauffman was standing there waiting. She was an elderly woman who lived across the hall from the Casey's and would often seek Matt out when she needed some handiwork done. Kyle also walked her poodle mix, Mr. Sparkle Pants when he had time.

"Oh Matt I'm so sorry to ask you, but my toilet is clogged again and I just don't have the strength to do much good with the plunger. Can you help me?"

"Of course Mrs. Kauffman. I'm right behind you."

"Dad can I go down to the corner store and get one of those dark chocolate bars for dessert?" Kyle asked.

"Okay, then right back home," Matt said giving him a few bills. "Wait, let's see if Sparky needs a walk," he said calling the dog by Matt's nickname for him. One minute later Matt came out with the white curly haired dog complete with purple leash and a small plastic bag. "She says thank you and she'll have a cookie for you when you come back."

"Thanks," Kyle replied shaking his head. Mrs. Kauffman always gave him a cookie that he never ate due to its ingredients, but she never seemed to understand. He patted the dog on the head as he jumped up and put his little paws on Kyle's leg.

After a short trip the playground that had enough grass to make life interesting for the dog, they headed to the corner store that was run by Mr. and Mrs. Sobotka who had been in Chicago forever but echos of their Czechoslovakian accents remained.

"Ahhh, hello Kyle. Chocolate today?" Mr. Sobotka asked.

"Yep. You know me too well."

"Mr. Sparkles, a treat for you too," he said with a smile. Even though the dog wasn't technically allowed in the store the Sobotka's never had a problem with a quick trip. They even kept some dog treats behind the counter. They loved the neighborhood and it's residents but especially the Casey clan as they admired the first-responders and their bravery.

On his way down the block Kyle looked for a man he thought of as some kind of friend, even though friend wasn't exactly an accurate term. Not long after they had moved to the neighborhood Kyle discovered the homeless man that hung out in a nearby alley. Some of the locals were cruel towards him in both words and actions. But others had a soft spot for him and would give him their loose change or an occasional meal.

Kyle knew he was an addict and been thrown out of his house by his parents who had since moved away from the area. Kyle thought he was a better anti-drug message than anything anyone could ever present to him at home or in school.

"Hey Ben," Kyle said as he slipped into the alleyway as he was walking back home after getting his candy. "How are you doing today?" He asked as he scooped up Sparkles not wanting him to step on anything sharp.

"I'm alive little man. I'm alive. Don't be getting into drugs man, they're no good."

This was a message that Ben told Kyle each and every time they spoke. Kyle would always nod and promise that he would heed the warning. "I brought you some chocolate," Kyle said as he broke off half of the large bar as he juggled the dog and handed it to the man.

"Thanks little man," Ben said, his eyes lighting up as he shoved a small piece of the candy in his mouth.

"How old are you anyway?" Kyle asked as he leaned back against the brick wall of the alley.

Ben laughed losing a little bit of chocolate as he did so. "You know what? I'm not even sure anymore. I'm all ages or no age at all. Don't do drugs man, just don't."

"I know, you tell me that all the time."

"I wish somebody had told me all the time. Listen to what people tell you, but don't listen to them if they say bad things. I listened to the wrong people telling me the wrong things. You have to know yourself and know what they say is right or wrong. You're smart, I can tell, and you'll know when you can talk to people and when it's just a waste of time."

"I appreciate your confidence in me," Kyle said.

"You're a good boy. Don't be like me."

"You're a good guy who made bad decisions. And don't worry," Kyle said raising his hand palm facing Ben, "I won't make those same bad decisions. I better go. See ya later."

Ben waved as he bit into his chocolate.

"Did you fix the toilet?" Kyle asked as he bumped into his father in the hallway on his way to take the dog home.

"Yeah, it just took a couple of plunges."

"Where's your candy bar?"

"Right here," Kyle held up the half he had left.

"You already ate half of it? I thought it was for dessert? This better not affect your appetite." He warned.

Kyle smiled. "Don't worry it won't. I swear."

After six blissful weeks of no trouble it all came crashing down in one phone call. Matt was busy doing paperwork when his phone rang. His heart skipped a beat when he was it was the school calling. Kyle had never been in trouble at school so Matt was hoping that this was something positive, but somehow he knew before answering that it wasn't.

Seconds after hanging up he went to the kitchen and gathered his crew. "Okay Truck, load up we're going for a ride," Matt barked out.

"What's going on?" Herrmann asked.

"I have to go to Kyle's school. He got into a fight," Matt explained.

"Kyle? Our Kyle?" Kelly asked. "Our pacifist, peace loving Kyle?"

"Yes. That Kyle." Matt replied dryly.

"Squad load up, we're going along for the ride," Kelly ordered.

 **Kyle sat in the office staring** at his sneakers damning the fact that it was shift day and praying that Matt just took off an hour off his shift to come pick him up. He glanced over at his nemesis who was holding a cold pack to his left eye. He was sitting by the window with a woman who looked like she'd rather be anywhere else but where she was. Both boys looked equally miserable as they waited, each blaming the other for their predicament.

Kyle's hopes were soon dashed as Matt showed up in his turnout gear, indicating that in fact the truck and all his guys were down below waiting. It also explained why his foe had been gawking out the window. Matt looked over at Kyle wearing an indecipherable look as he walked over to the secretary and explained who he was and why he was there.

The secretary smiled at Matt as she listened to him and picked up the phone to announce his arrival. Before she could hang it back up Mr. Whitman, the vice principal in charge of discipline was out of his office and waving the Casey's inside his inner sanctum.

"Mr. Casey, Kyle, come on in and have a seat," he said as he closed the door behind them. "It's nice to meet you," he said extending his hand and grasping Matt's pumping it up and down.

"I'm sorry it had to be under these circumstances," Matt stated.

"Yes, well, I have spoken to both of the boys and several students who witnessed the incident and have found that they support Kyle's recollection of the event.

"What happened?" Matt asked.

"I see that you are in the middle of a work day so I'll keep this as brief as possible. The other boy, Tobin Myerscoff, has, well, somewhat of a history of trouble and it appears that he initiated the turn of events. Apparently, he said something quite derogatory and Kyle reacted. I can't approve of his methods, but I certainly understand them."

"What did this boy say? Is it the boy sitting in the outer office?"

"Yes it is. He, well, I hate the terms he used and—"

"He said I shouldn't be here, that I don't belong at this school, because my parents are just a mick and a spic," Kyle spat out.

Mr. Whitman cleared his throat. "We love the diversity that we have created here and have zero tolerance for comments such as the one that Tobin made."

"No disrespect sir, but if you are speaking of me in terms of diversity I'm not quite sure I understand. My last name is Casey, so the mick part is right, but my mother's last name was Thomas. Frankly you can't get much whiter than I am.

"But if you are speaking in financial terms then yes I do suppose I add a bit of diversity in that capacity."

"I see those gifted classes aren't being wasted," Mr. Whitman said.

Matt just looked at his son wondering who the hell was sitting next to him.

"Well the bottom line is that we have a zero tolerance for fighting, but since Kyle has never been a problem his suspension will only be for the minimum of three days. His teachers hold him in high regard and he is definitely an asset to our school. We just love having him here. But, on that note Kyle, we can't you have you punching other students. I understand there was no excuse for what he said to you and he will be suspended for five days for his part in this. But you need to find another way to work out your differences.

"Did you get all of your books from your locker?" Kyle nodded that he had. "His teachers will email all of his assignments and if he needs their assistance in any way he will have access to them at different times that will be posted in the e-mails."

Just as Mr. Whitman finished Matt's radio came to life as Otis' voice came across. "Captain, we've got a structure fire on Halstead."

Matt leaned into his mic. "On our way." He then let go of the mic key and looked back his son. "Let's go Kyle. Move it. Mr. Whitman thank you."

"Well, Captain Casey, if you need to call me at a more convenient time please feel free."

Matt ushered Kyle out into the outer office just as man dressed in an expensive suit walked in and was nearly run over by Herrmann who came rushing into the office. "Structure fire Captain," he said as he stopped just short of Mr. Myerscoff.

"I heard," Matt said pushing Kyle forward.

"I have to get my backpack," Kyle said as he stopped and turned to grab his bag that he had left by the chair he had been sitting in earlier.

Matt looked over at the suited man and nodded as he excused his small group. "Let's go Kyle, move."

"I'm trying but my backpack weighs a ton," he complained.

Matt reached back and grabbed the bag and surprised by the weight. "Good grief what is in here, a hose and a few SCBA's?"

"Books, just books."

Herrmann looked over at Kyle and winked. "Race ya kid." And with that the trio raced down the hall at full speed. Kyle enjoying his free pass at running in the halls.

"Well that explains the fire trucks outside. I was afraid the place was on fire." Gray Myerscoff said. "I always wanted to be a fireman when I was a kid." He went over to his wife and son and peered out the window just in time to see the recent departures jump into the first truck and take off in a cloud of dust and a cacophony of sirens.

"I can't believe Squad came too," Kyle moaned. "Why couldn't you just have taken off and come alone?"

"What?" Matt yelled back over the noise of the siren.

"Never mind," Kyle said as he bounced up and down in his seat next to Herrmann.

They quickly arrived at the scene which ended up being a kitchen fire in a restaurant. As the crew jumped out of the truck Matt leaned in and looked at Kyle. "Stay in the truck. Do you understand me?" Kyle nodded but remained silent. "Don't disobey me!" Matt warned.

Kyle watched everyone disburse towards the fire. He sat in Matt's passenger seat and watched as they disappeared into the building as Chief, his father and Kelly all barked out orders that seamlessly fit together as if they were all working parts of the same engine, which basically they were. A fire engine Kyle thought and then smiled at his own joke.

After several minutes he went to the back where he had been sitting on the ride over. It smelled of rubber boots, sweat and smoke. He sat down in one of the well-worn seats where he could feel the springs dance beneath him. He thought of how they all smelled of smoke when they got back from a call. He thought of how his father always showered at the end of his shift, scrubbing off the scent of battle. But he couldn't always leave the day behind him as easily as he could peel its traces away.

For the next hour Kyle dug through his backpack but without his assignments his books did him no good. He texted a couple of friends who had been able to sneak a peak at their phone. He then read a chapter of To Kill A Mockingbird that he had been assigned in his English class. His teacher had taken a special interest in him and had him on a slightly different curriculum than his classmates. But as the last words lead to the end of the chapter he couldn't stand to stay in the truck any longer. Suddenly it felt as if the cab was closing in on him. The last thing he wanted to do was upset his father, but he was beginning to sweat and desperately needed some fresh air.

Kyle climbed up to the front and sat in the driver's seat for a minute imagining what it was like to have a routine that had you racing to and from one disaster to another. He then quietly slipped out of the door and into the street. He inhaled deeply and leaned against the truck. He wasn't even sure how he felt about what happened earlier that day. At the moment he felt kind of numb.

Time must have slipped away from while he was deep in thought because the next thing he noticed was Mouch coming around to his side of the truck. "Don't tell my dad I was out of the truck. I just needed some air," Kyle pleaded.

Mouch winked at him as he nodded and then pantomimed locking his lips and throwing away the key. But it was all for naught because not five seconds later Matt took the same circuit and saw Kyle for himself. "I thought I told you to stay in the truck," Matt said biting off his words.

"I did. For a long time. But it got so hot and it smells like feet in there."

Matt bit his lips so his smile didn't quite reach his mouth. He regrouped and walked over and grabbed his son by the elbow and steered him over to the curb. "Sit down and don't move." Kyle nodded happy that he hadn't been tossed back into the truck.

From his perch he watched Gabby and Sylvie work with several of the restaurant employees who seemed to only have minor issues. The rest of the gang seemed to be doing a walk through and cleaning up the equipment in preparation to head back to the station. He managed to stay exactly where his father had put him and hoped that would nullify getting caught outside the truck.

To be continued...


	13. Mission Accomplished

**Mission Accomplished**

Part II of Rubber Boots, Sweat and Smoke

 **The ride back to 51 was quiet**. Kyle just kept his mouth shut and went with the bounces and turns that were always an adventure in the large truck where the front and back seemed to move independently of one another. Once back safely in the garage he hauled his two-ton backpack to Matt's quarters and went to the kitchen and got a bottle of water and sat down at the small table and grabbed the newspaper that was sitting there. He wasn't really reading it, but he just needed something to stare at. Finally, Matt appeared sans his turnout gear and the smoke that had clung to his face.

"You want to tell me what you were thinking when you slugged that kid?" Matt asked as he sat down across from his son.

"Do you want to tell me why you couldn't have just taken an hour off instead of bringing the entire circus with you?" Kyle demanded an edge to his voice.

"Because you didn't schedule your conflict on a non-shift day. Because I have a responsibility here and you already know that. Because the world doesn't revolve around you," Matt stated matter-of-factly.

"Your classmates know your dad is a firefighter. The secret is out," Kelly said from where he was standing about ten feet away.

Kyle stood up and turned towards Kelly, seeing several of the others behind him. "I know that. But it was a big red wave with hoses, turnout gear and sirens. It was like tsunami of CFD that washed right over the entire school."

"Well," Cruz began as he walked past Kelly towards Kyle, "it's kind of like you are all of ours—a son, a nephew, a little brother—and part of our job is to embarrass the hell out of you."

"Mission accomplished," Kyle said.

"Look, I've always told you that you can defend yourself if necessary and you won't be in trouble with me. But this kid wasn't threatening you."

"Not physically. No. But he is a threat all the same."

Matt's eyebrows shot up as he paused. "You're a smart kid. Plus, your vocabulary has skyrocketed. You sounded like a lawyer in the vice principal's office."

"My English teacher has taken a special interest in me. I get my work done fast so she gives me these paragraphs that use basic words and my job is to use synonyms and spice it up, make it sound more educated."

"To use your words—mission accomplished," Matt said. "Why didn't you just talk to this kid?"

"Because he can't hear me," Kyle said, his voice rising. Matt looked puzzled. "Kids, people like him, can't or won't listen to you. They can't absorb the logic, they can't absorb anything that's beyond them and they feel as if nearly everything is beyond them. They are too high up on the food chain to think. He. Will. Never. Hear. Me!"

"You have to figure out something." Matt said.

"We all run in our own circles. He has his own dark circle and I don't want to get near it. I don't want any part of him or his belief system intersecting with my circle. I just want him to stay away from me and I'm hoping that what happened today will do that!" Kyle said as he turned and headed to the back door he stopped and turned back around. "Sometimes I have to do things my way and not to please you."

Kelly moved to follow Kyle, but Matt stopped him with a shake of his head. Kelly looked down at Matt and then sat down across from his friend taking Kyle's vacated seat. "You can't be upset that he is becoming the person that you've raised."

A half hour later Kyle was about ready to go back inside when Gabby came out. She sat down with her back against the wall just as Kyle was sitting and looked over at him. "I heard you defended my honor today."

Kyle shrugged. "Just tried to shutdown the commentary of an idiot."

"Well thank you. How did he even know who I was?" Gabby asked.

"Earlier this week you picked me up from school and you were speaking Spanish on the phone. He was behind me—lurking—he always seems to be lurking somewhere. He must have heard you and when we left together he put two and two together."

"I could have been your nanny."

"A firefighter's son has a nanny?" Kyle replied.

"Good point." She agreed. "I'm sorry if I caused this."

"What?" Kyle asked. "Don't apologize for this asshole's actions. That's what's wrong—you're apologizing for his actions. He was wrong, not you."

"And you punched him for it," Gabby said with a slight smile. She knew she should admonish Kyle for his language but she just wanted him to get it all of his chest without interruption or judgment.

"Just once."

"Apparently that's all it took."

"I don't think anyone has ever made him accountable."

"Well you did, today. Does he have any friends?"

"Two kids that hang out with him, but I'm not sure if they are actually friends. Tobin has been through a lot of schools."

"How come?"

"I guess he is held accountable when parents of other kids that are never held accountable forced the issue. He's just a jerk and he eventually does enough to be dismissed. That's the word they use, dismissed. Not suspended, not expelled, not tossed out on his ass; dismissed."

"What else do you know about him?" Gabby encouraged.

"He lives with his dad who I guess travels a lot. His mom died of cancer when he was little, and his dad married a trophy wife. Gabby, what's a trophy wife?"

She smiled for a second before she answered. "It means that he married her due to her youth and looks more than for love and compatibility."

"Ahhh. That's about all I know about him and I'm not sure if it's even true. But I think the trophy wife part is, because she didn't look all that interested in being a mom."

"Well, it sounds like his dad is gone a lot and he lost his mother when he was young, just like you did. You have something in common."

"So, what are you saying? That I should befriend him because our mothers are dead?" Kyle snapped.

"No. But maybe this kid is hurting so he acts out. I'm just saying that maybe, maybe if he gives you an opening you should try to help him out. But that's up to you." She stood up and dusted her pants off and went back inside. A few minutes later Kyle followed.

Matt tripped over Kyle's backpack as he entered his quarters and swore under his breath. A kid that is so helpful and bright but always seems to put his damn bag exactly where it will bring its wrath upon the innocent bystander that simply walks through the door. He untangled his leg from the strap and tried to kick the bag over to the corner but it was like moving a cement block. Matt bent over and picked it up and set it on his bed. He then checked his email and found that Kyle already some homework in the inbox. "I guess they send the homework to my address." He said as he pulled the pages from the printer and walked towards his son who was in the kitchen.

"Well duh. First of all, they don't have my email address and they want to make sure you know what I have to do."

"Well get started," Matt said. "I'll order some Chinese food for dinner in a little bit. I don't think we ever got anymore of your food here."

"Yeah someone on third shift ate my fishless fillets. Jerk."

 **Kyle worked on his homework** and ate his dinner as everyone else devoured whatever it was that Cruz and Otis had cooked up. It truly did seem like some odd family scene. One that consisted of a bunch of guys, a few women and some random kid, but there was no denying the strength of the bond that held them all together. After everyone cleaned up and scattered Kyle went towards the bed he always slept in and sat down with his paperback copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.

"Wow, I don't think I read that until high school," Kelly said as he appeared a minute later. "What do you think of it so far?"

"I think that people were assholes back in the 1930's when this book took place, and they were assholes in the late 1950's when she wrote it and guess what? People are still assholes." Kyle said.

"Language dude," Kelly warned. "You're not an ass—a jerk, I'm not a jerk, well maybe sometimes. Your dad's not a jerk. There is hope for mankind. Do you have to apologize to his kid?"

"Not that I've been told."

"Well for your own sake you should forgive him for what he said."

"Forgive him? I could care less about what he thinks. Besides the first step towards forgiveness is realizing that often, the other person is an idiot. And he, is an idiot. Please don't lecture me about how he needs a friend and I should be understanding and all that crap, Gabby already did that."

"Don't need any more friends then?"

"No, I really don't. It's okay that not everyone likes me—because not everyone matters. Especially hate filled ass—jerks. I don't want them to like me because if they did I'm just as pathetic as they are."

"Whoa, when did you grow up? And how did you do it so fast?" Kyle just shrugged. "You have such wisdom already my young scholar."

"I attribute it to Facebook memes."

"You're too young for Facebook."

"Yeah, okay." Kyle said as he stuck his head back into his book.

 **That night after Matt had checked** on his sleeping son he and Kelly sat at the table in the darkened kitchen area. "Any ideas what's up with him?" Matt asked quietly.

"Yep." Kelly responded. "He's angry."

"Oh. Thanks, that sums it all up," Matt replied.

"Think about it. He finds out a few months ago that his mother was murdered and that gave him the foundation that this world holds evil. It opened his eyes. I mean I'm sure he already had some kind of sense of it, but that really brought it home. Now he see's awfulness around him and he's reacting to it. He's angry at what he is seeing, hearing and experiencing. He had an opportunity to fight it today and he did."

"Literally." Matt said.

Kelly smiled. "Yes, literally. But he reminds me of a good friend of mine who is much the same way. In fact, he became an alderman to right wrongs and fight the corrupt system. Matt, he is your son through and through and that can't be bad thing."

 **A week later Kyle stood outside his school** getting ready to walk home when he sensed Tobin behind him. "I know you're back there," Kyle said as he turned around.

"Just waiting for my ride," he said quietly.

"Whatever," Kyle said as he began to walk away.

"Wait." Tobin said loudly causing Kyle to stop and turn around. "Those fire trucks from when you got picked up—?"

"What about them?"

"They were pretty cool." He admitted.

"Really? I was kind of embarrassed by them."

"Why? I mean how awesome is it to be picked up by not one but two fire trucks and then get to race off to a fire."

Kyle just shrugged. And began to walk off again when he remembered his conversation with Gabby. He stopped and spun around. "Do you think you want a tour of the firehouse sometime?" Kyle asked.

Tobin did a double-take as if he hadn't heard Kyle correctly. "Really?"

"Yeah. They give tours all the time," Kyle said as he walked back towards Tobin to get his phone number.

Two weeks later on a Saturday afternoon Kyle stood back with Gabby as Tobin and his father sat in the front seat of 81 as Matt explained specifics of his profession. "Nice job Kyle. You did a good thing," Gabby said.


	14. And You Run Into Fires

**And You Run Into Fires**

Kyle sat on his desk chair as Danny flipped through the clothes in his closet. "You have cooler clothes than I do," Danny complained as he pulled out a skeleton costume.

"It's because your parents always dress you in khakis and polo shirts," Kyle replied. "I wouldn't consider a skeleton costume cool either."

"Stupid Halloween," Danny said.

"Only because you don't celebrate it."

"Tell me about it," Danny said as he flopped down on Kyle's bed. "Secular holiday," Danny said in a high pitched and mocking voice.

"It's overrated anyway," Kyle said. "Plus, I give you like ninety percent of my candy anyway."

"Yes, you do," Danny answered rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Who are you going to be this year?"

"Baby Groot," Kyle answered.

"Guardians of the Galaxy. Cool."

"But, I'm not sure if I'm going to trick or treat or not."

"Then what's the costume for?"

"A party. Melanie Hardwick is having a Halloween party at her house the Saturday before Halloween."

"Is she in your class?"

"Yep and she's super smart."

"Smarter than even you?" Danny asked.

"I think so."

"Damn, that's impressive. Wish I could go to the party too."

"I could ask her. She's really nice I doubt she would care if I brought a friend." Kyle offered.

"Right, like my parents would allow that to happen."

"Doesn't your temple have some kind of fun night or carnival the weekend before Halloween?"

"Yeah, they try, but for once I'd like to go all nonspiritual and normal." Danny said as he disentangled the yarmulke from the clips that held it in place and pulled it off his head. "We are so old order."

"You are so orthodox," Kyle said with a smile as he took the head covering from his friend and put it on his own head. "We can trade for a night and you can go to the party instead of me."

"Like that would work. You're a little too pale, a little too blue eyed and your hair is too light brown. But thanks for the offer." He said as his phone chirped.

"There's pale, blue eyed Jews," Kyle protested.

"Yeah, well not in my crowd." Danny sighed. "My mom. She and my sister are down at the thrift store on the corner and are almost finished. They want me to meet them there, so we can go over to Aunt Ruth's apartment and then to the Kosher grocery store by her house. I have to help carry the bags."

"I can help carry bags too," Kyle offered.

"I wouldn't subject you, my best friend in the whole world, to my Aunt Ruth. She is like a hundred years old and has candy that's as old as she is that she tries to shove down your throat. Then talks about the old days and how the world has changed, blah, blah, blah."

"Well, how about I walk with you to the thrift store. Maybe we can find something cool for you to wear."

"Like this?" Danny asked as he pulled a t-shirt out of the laundry basket on the floor showing the fighting goat of 81.

"Take it," Kyle offered.

"It's too small. Your clothes are like from the Baby Gap."

"I'm late bloomer," Kyle said as he looked down at his body, holding the yarmulke in place so it wouldn't slide off. He was smaller than other boys his age, but he figured he was taking after his mom at this point and would be catching up to his peers soon enough. At least he hoped so.

"I'll ask my dad if there are any more in a bigger size." He told Danny as they made their way to the kitchen. "Hey Dad, I'm going to walk with Danny down to 'Wear It Again Sam'."

"The thrift store?" Gabby asked.

"Yep," Kyle said as he tossed Danny's yarmulke back to him and began to walk towards the front door.

"Freeze." Matt ordered. "First of all, you don't tell us what you're going to do, you ask."

Kyle let out a deep sigh as Danny smiled. "Can I walk down to the store with Danny?"

"Yes, you may. But don't go anywhere else. Do you have your phone on you?" Kyle pulled it out and showed his audience. "Don't be too long."

"I won't," Kyle replied with enough of an edge to it that Matt looked over at him with a warning glare.

"Bye Matt, Gabby," Danny said trying to break up the sudden tension that had descended on the room. He had always called them Mr. and Mrs. Casey but after Matt continued to tell him it was okay to use first names he finally did unless his parents were around, then Danny felt more comfortable using formality. "See you later Dan the man," Matt said giving him a fist bump.

Danny liked hanging out at Kyle's house. His own parents hadn't married until they were in their late thirty's and hadn't had him until they were both in their early forty's. Being in the Casey home was like a breath of young, fresh air.

The two walked down the street like only two young boys can. Full of energy that bounced off of everything around them. They laughed as they pushed each other, and pointed at things around them that they suddenly found hilarious. As they passed by the alley that Ben hung out in they noticed it was empty. "I bet he's out panhandling or scoring some drugs." Danny said.

"Don't do drugs," both the boys said simultaneously and then laughed.

"But seriously, he is the best anti-drug poster every." Kyle said.

"Yeah in 3D too. Do you remember when we first met?" Danny asked changing the subject. Kyle scrunched up his features as he thought about it. "Those kids were picking on me." Danny continued as he adjusted one of the clips that held his skull cap on.

"Oh yeah, they stole that," Kyle said pointing to his friend's head covering.

"Yep, and were calling me Jewtard, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean."

"I think they were pretty proud of coming up with that name all on their own."

"You, were smaller than me—and still are," Danny said, once again reminding Kyle of his stature. "But you marched right over and grabbed my yarmulke and handed it back to me. Told them to fuck off," Danny said laughing. "I couldn't believe you had said the F-word. They just turned and left."

"Two targets aren't as easy as one."

"No, it was more than that. You scared them. It didn't matter that they were taller than you, older than you, and out weighed you. You took charge, you showed no fear. And that scared them.

"We hadn't lived in the neighborhood long before you came along. We weren't our element anymore and I was afraid I'd never find a friend." Danny explained.

"How come you guys moved to this neighborhood?" Kyle asked.

"The apartment has been in our family forever. When my grandmother died it was offered to us. My parents snapped it up. I think they regretted it initially. The commute to my school doubled and I was alone."

"Until I came along," Kyle reminded.

"Yep. Best friends forever." Danny said smiling. "I remember when I first went to your apartment, I think Gabby had moved out and your dad and Kelly were watching baseball on TV rooting the Cubs on, a beer in hand. At first—well at first—"

Kyle raised his eyebrows as he looked at his friend. Then he realized what Danny had meant. "Oh, you thought my dad and Kelly were like a couple? That's hilarious."

"I know right. I was already trying to figure out how to keep it from my parents. They're good people but that might be too progressive for them."

Kyle chuckled. "Believe me there is no worries about that. They're best friends, have been since I can remember. I do miss Kelly living here though. It was nice to have him around."

"You still hang around with him a lot."

"I know, but it's different."

"That one time he took us to the zoo last and then to the John Hancock building so we could do that window tilt ride. That was so cool." Danny said smiling at the memory. "I think the last thing we did was the planetarium, but that was forever ago."

"Yeah, he took me back there a couple of weeks ago, but it was a Saturday, so I couldn't ask you to come. It still gets my stomach churning looking down on the city from that high up."

"I'm glad you guys get to see each other a lot."

"I'll ask that maybe next we can plan something on a Sunday so you can come with us." Kyle offered.

"Cool." Danny said as they arrived at the store. "He's probably forgotten who I am."

They quickly found Mrs. Levine and Danny's little sister Rachel looking at dresses. "I thought you were almost done?" Danny asked.

"We were and then Sam brought out more items. Hello Kyle, how are you today?" She asked.

"I'm fine Mrs. Levine and how are you?"

"Very well thank you. See how polite your friend is. I hope you are that polite at his house."

Danny just shook his head and ambled off towards the boy's section.

"Hi Kyle," nine-year-old Rachel said smiling. It was well known that Rachel had a huge crush on Kyle and always asked when he was going to come over to their house. Kyle always made a point of being nice to her whenever she was around. He told Rachel he was fine and went off to find Danny.

"How about this?" Kyle asked holding up a Rob Zombie concert tour t-shirt.

"Yeah right. Like that would ever be allowed." Danny scoffed.

Kyle backed up and bumped into a rack that held some winter items. He found a long, fuzzy blue scarf that felt incredibly soft. He pulled it from the rack and held it to his face. "Are you cold?" Danny asked.

Kyle shook his head. "It's only three bucks. I was thinking it might be something for Ben this winter."

"I know you like to look out for him, but you should be careful. I saw him buying some drugs down on the street corner last week."

"He usually does heroin and it makes him sleepy."

"Yeah, but his dealer might not. Just be careful man. Sometimes you leap without looking."

Ten minutes later Kyle was walking towards home with the scarf he had purchased. He ducked into Ben's favorite alley and saw him back near the dumpster. He stepped into the alley and made his way towards the man.

"Kyle," he gasped, surprised. "What brings you here?"

"I got you something," Kyle answered as he looked down at the syringe in Ben's hand.

"Oh, cool." Ben said nervously.

Kyle handed the scarf to Ben who held the syringe in one hand as he took the gift in the other. "This is soft."

"Yeah it is. It's super long so I thought you could wrap it over your head and around your neck if you had to. I'll look for a winter hat next time."

"I don't want you spending your money on me."

"Someone has to since you spend your money on that," he said nodding at the needle.

"You know I'm an addict. This is what makes me one," he said looking down at his drug of choice.

"Why don't you come to my house. You can eat something, take a shower and maybe we can wash your clothes." Kyle offered.

"Sorry, kid. But this is all cooked up and I can't pass it up."

"Even for a meal?"

Ben just gave Kyle a tight smile and then proceeded to wrap the scarf around his arm and pull tight, using it as a tourniquet. Kyle stood and watched until the needle entered the vein then he turned and left.

 **Matt had just stepped out of the apartment** and started to walk towards the store where Kyle had been with Danny and his family when he saw his son leave the alley two blocks away, looking behind him as he did.

"Hey there," Matt said when he finally met Kyle.

"Hey," Kyle responded.

"You okay?"

"Hmmm? Yeah. Fine."

"Were you just with Ben?"

Kyle figured his father had seen him and there was no point in lying. "Yeah. I thought maybe—"

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe I could get him to come over and eat something."

Matt sighed. "I love your desire to help people. It's a fantastic trait to have."

"But…" Kyle said sensing his father was going to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"But, I really don't want you hanging out with Ben by yourself."

"He likes me, he's nice, he's not a threat." Kyle protested.

"Look, I know Ben is a nice guy, but he's an addict. I can't have you hanging around an addict. He may be under the influence or be with someone who isn't so nice. If you want to take him some food then make sure Gabby or I go with you okay?"

"Okay," Kyle reluctantly agreed.

 **Two weeks later**

"Kyle can you hand me that rag?" Gabby asked as she was standing in front of the linen closet surrounded by towels, sheets and cleaning products.

Kyle stepped over and grabbed the rag in question and handed it Gabby before he made his way into the kitchen. "When's Dad coming home?"

"Not sure, depends. You know how it goes with bids."

Kyle eyed some bananas that were getting brown and a carton of yogurt that had been in there for a few weeks. He grabbed two pieces of the fruit, the yogurt, a plastic spoon and put them in a paper bag. He slid his jacket on and hid the bag inside the coat. "I'm going to see if Hannah is home," he announced.

Gabby stepped away from the closet and wiped her brow. "Okay, let me know if your going to hang out over by her place. Otherwise come home."

"Okay," Kyle said as he made it out the door.

He walked down towards the alley, the bag now in his left hand swinging along in time with his pace. He had abided by his fathers wishes but it was more due to the fact he hadn't had an opportunity to do anything else. It wasn't that he wanted to disobey Matt, but he just wanted to make sure that Ben was okay and had something decent to eat occasionally. He looked behind hoping that his father wasn't going to pull up any minute as he would have a hard time explaining away why he was carrying two overripe bananas and yogurt that he didn't eat due to the dairy content.

He finally made it to his destination and let out a breath as he was finally out of the street view. He looked around but didn't see Ben. Kyle figured he must be out panhandling or maybe even getting some drugs. He hated seeing the reality of this mans life and just didn't understand the strength and pull of addiction. He stepped over some trash and thought he would set the bag of food over by the pallet and blankets that Ben used for a bed when he saw a figure sprawled half off of the makeshift bed.

"Ben," Kyle said tentatively as he set down the food. "Hey, I brought you some food for when you wake up. I just want you to know it's here." When the man's eyelids didn't even flutter Kyle leaned closer figuring he was in a heroin stupor. "Ben," he said shaking his shoulder. "Ben!" But he got no response. Kyle used his foot to move Ben's hand, but it just seemed to flop around. Kyle squatted down and shook Ben by the shoulder but there was no resistance, something was clearly wrong.

Kyle turned and ran out of the alley and down the street back towards the apartment as fast as he could. "Gabby, Gabby," he screamed continually until she climbed off the chair she was using to clean the top shelf.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" She asked as she grabbed him by the shoulders. "Are you hurt?"

"It's Ben, somethings wrong with him. You have help him." Kyle pleaded, his face red, his eyes wild.

"Where is he?" Gabby asked.

"In the alley, towards the back. He's lying on the pallet."

"Grab my jump bag," she yelled as she rammed her feet into her shoes that were sitting by the door.

Kyle ran to the bedroom closet where Gabby kept what was called a jump bag that held basic paramedic supplies. By the time he came out of the bedroom Gabby was already out the door and on her way. He followed closely behind.

When he turned into the alley, breathless and sweating, he saw Gabby hovering over Ben trying to find a pulse. "Is he alive?" Kyle asked as he set the bag down.

"Do you have your phone?" She asked. Kyle nodded that he did. "Call 911 and tell them we have a probable overdose." Kyle stood and looked down at Ben. "Do it now!" Gabby demanded.

Kyle did as he was told and began to pace as he spoke to the dispatcher. He was explaining where they were when he walked back to see what Gabby was doing. "Go stand out by the street so the ambulance knows where we are," she said firmly.

"No, he's not breathing. My mom is a paramedic and she's doing chest compression's." Kyle explained as he walked towards the street.

Gabby had her hands full, but she hadn't missed what Kyle said. She knew he was under a lot of stress and not choosing his words carefully, but nonetheless hearing the word mom without its prefix of step sent a tingle up her spine. She also knew that despite her best efforts Ben was not going to make it. He had been dead for a while before Kyle found him and there was no bringing him back. The chest compression's were merely for show as she didn't want to feel useless and for fear that Kyle would never forgive her if she didn't at least make an attempt.

Kyle saw the ambulance coming and began to jump up and down and wave his hands directing the rig his way. They screeched to a halt and double parked frustrating the drivers that were stuck behind them. "He's over there," Kyle pointed towards Gabby who was still working on Ben.

"Thanks kid," the paramedic said. "Why don't you just stay out here on the sidewalk. Okay?"

Kyle nodded. He started to walk backwards unable to stop looking Ben's lifeless body. He finally turned around and slammed right into his father. "Dad. He's dead. Ben's dead." He said looking up, the tears beginning to fall.

Matt who had returned from an errand had seen the ambulance pull up and had jogged down to see if he could help. He looked down at his son who had now wrapped his arms around him and had begun to sob. "I was too late and he died alone."

Matt put his own arms around his son and just held him close. "This isn't your fault, you know that right?"

"I just—" but Kyle was unable to finish the sentence.

Gabby walked out and shook her head back and forth at Matt confirming what Kyle had suspected. A minute later the gurney came clattering out with the sheet covering Ben from head to toe. Kyle broke away from Matt and ran over. "Where are you taking him?" He asked.

"We are going to take him to the hospital right now." Kyle was told.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I'm sorry Ben. I'm sorry this is where your life ended," he said looking back at the alley."

"It's good that you found him." The paramedic said.

"I don't think that it really mattered in the end," Kyle said.

 **That night as Matt tucked Kyle in,** something the boy hadn't welcomed in nearly a year, he began to ask questions. "What will they do with Ben at the hospital?"

"I imagine they'll do an autopsy. Do you know what that is?"

"Is it where they cut the body open?"

"Yes. They do that so they can figure out what killed him."

"Drugs." Kyle answered.

"Most likely, but they have to make sure."

"Then what will happen?"

"Then his family will pick up the body for burial," Matt answered.

"Did he even have a family?"

"From what I understand he lived in the neighborhood with his family from the time he was a toddler. But they moved several years ago."

"And they didn't take him?"

"Or he didn't choose to go," Matt replied.

"What if they don't claim his body?" Kyle wanted to know.

"Then the city will take care of him."

Kyle sighed and rolled over. Matt pulled the blankets up to the boys' chin and kissed his head. "I love you kid."

"I know," Kyle said as he faced the wall. Matt got up and made his way to the door. "Dad."

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

Matt closed the door behind him and made his way towards the kitchen. Before he could reach for the refrigerator Gabby handed him a beer. "How's he doing?"

"Sad. Confused. This is exactly why I didn't want him going down there by himself. I was afraid something like this might happen."

"He's a kid. Kids don't always listen."

"Yeah and he's certainly proven that."

"He embraces life. Flings himself right into the middle of it."

"Just like someone else I know," Matt said looking at Gabby.

"Yeah well, Hallie liked to be in the middle of things as I recall."

"That she did," Matt agreed.

"And you run into fires."

Matt just smiled. "What are your trying to say?"

"I'm saying were we're doomed when it comes to this kid." Gabby said with a weak smile. "Ben was already cold when I got there. He wasn't in rigor though. Poor Kyle."

"Well he should have listened to me," Matt said with an edge to his voice. "What was he doing there by himself."

"When I was working on Ben, who by the way was wearing that blue scarf that Kyle mentioned giving him. But anyway, I saw a paper lunch bag near the body. After the ambulance came I looked inside. There were two bananas and a yogurt inside."

"Let me guess, we're missing a yogurt and two bananas."

"Yep," she sighed. "He was just trying to make sure he had something decent to eat." She argued.

"Yes, but I told him he wasn't to go alone."

"Well maybe he'll remember what happened today and the next time he's faced with a situation he'll remember not tackle it all on his own."

"We can only hope," Matt replied. "We can only hope."


	15. I Need Your Help

**I Need Your Help**

Kyle remained quiet and kept to himself for the next couple of weeks. Matt offered to take him to the Nature Museum or the Shedd Aquarium, two of his favorite places, but the boy just politely declined. Matt, along with Gabby, Kelly and Chief Boden all offered their counsel but again Kyle declined, preferring to deal with Ben's loss on his own. Matt began to grow concerned as the days dragged on and Kyle continued to be morose. He knew that his son had lost another piece of innocence with Ben's death, one he could ill afford to have chipped away. But in the end life isn't fair and it sure as hell doesn't care what you have or what you lose.

Finally, one evening just as Kyle finished his homework he got a text that perked him up.

"Hey Dad can I go down to Hannah's house for a few minutes?"

Matt cocked his head. "Hannah from down the street?"

"Yeah, she lives on the other side of the playground. It's like a five minute walk."

"More like ten," Matt corrected.

"Okay, ten. Can I go?"

Matt looked at the clock on the wall. Be home no later than 8:30 and if I text, you better respond."

"I will. I swear," Kyle said shoving his book back into his backpack and jumping up to grab his coat.

"That's the most action I've seen out of him since Ben died," Gabby said as she watched Kyle dive out the door.

"Yeah. I was thinking about calling Dr. Sawyer if he didn't start to act like himself in the next week or so. I figured he'd take one of us up on our offer to talk. He hasn't said anything to you has he?"

"No. I offered him an ear more than once and I know Kelly has as well. Plus he knows that any one of us at 51 will stop and listen to him about anything and everything."

"Well, apparently Hannah has something to offer that we don't," Matt said.

"Yes. Soft lips." Gabby replies.

Matt sat straight up in his chair. "Should I go down there?"

"No. Leave them be. But if he's not home at 8:30 on the dot, run like hell to get him."

 **Kyle did his city race-walk** down to Hannah's apartment and made it in eight minutes. He let himself in the front door of the building and into the hallway. The building was much more rundown than the one he lived in. It hadn't been kept up or loved in any way shape or form. It was amazing what the distance of a few blocks could make in a city.

He went to 1B and knocked on the door. It opened immediately, revealing Hannah, who was all smiles. "Come in," she said.

Kyle peeked inside the apartment. He had only been at her door twice and neither time had he been invited across the threshold. One time Hannah had rushed out to meet him and the other time her father had blocked his way and told him Hannah would be out in a minute and then shut the door in his face.

Kyle stood his ground, unsure what to expect. "My parents aren't here. My dad is on second shift and my mom took a new job cleaning office buildings at night. You aren't supposed to be here." She said with a big smile.

Kyle stepped into a small living room and nearly had a heart attack. "Jesus Christ."

"Yeah, I know," she said. Hannah had loved Kyle the moment she had seen him. She loved everything about him. She would lose herself in his blue eyes, so full of intelligence, watching everything around him. And there was always that twinkle that indicated he was ready for anything.

She loved his hair, and would run her hands through it despite the fact that it always seemed to freak him out. It was thick and so soft and always smelled so fresh; not like perfume but like had just rolled around in an herb garden.

But it what was on the inside that grabbed her the most. He wore his emotions on his sleeve and was as authentic as anyone she had ever met. He was gentle, yet fierce, brave and so very loyal. And he was exactly what she needed.

"Is that thing full sized?" Kyle asked as he walked towards the huge crucifix that was hanging on the living room wall.

"Almost." Hannah said. "I hate it."

"So do I. It creeps me out. It's like you can't get away from His gaze."

"I guess that's the point. A reminder that God is always watching."

"Well if He is then He must be as sad as we are." Kyle said with a sigh. "So what's up?" He asked as he sat down on the couch.

"I need your help. I don't know who else to ask and I'm desperate."

 **Four days later**

Matt walked through the door and immediately tripped over Kyle's backpack. "Dammit," he whispered as he righted himself. "Kyle, come get your bag. Quit leaving it by the door. I have asked you a hundred times."

Kyle had been on the couch, the TV was on but he was more interested in his phone that what was on the big screen.

"Sorry," he said as he hopped up and went to the door to retrieve his bag.

"Wait a minute," Matt said. "Come here."

"But you said to get my bag." Kyle replied.

Matt looked exasperated. "Get your bag and then come here."

"Why? I have homework I need to start." Kyle countered.

Matt took a moment to gather himself. "Come here. With your bag. Now!"

Kyle hesitantly made his way over to his father, stopped in front of him and set his bag down. "What!?"

"You know damn well what. What is that?"

"My ear," Kyle replied.

"Don't be a smart ass. What is in your ear?"

"Well it's a complicated series of tubes and little hairs and a bone that looks like stir-up and there's the ear drum back in there as well."

"Now you're really pushing it," Matt said. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Well technically that's my ear lobe," he explained.

"And why is there an earring in your ear lobe?" Matt asked.

"Because that's where they go," Kyle replied.

"And to think I couldn't wait until you were old enough to talk." Matt said. "When, where and why?"

"Last night, at David's house and because it's cool. I'm ready for a new look."

"Well the new look is going right now. What made you think that getting your ear pierced was okay?"

"Because it's my ear. You didn't even notice it last night."

"I was on shift last night," Matt responded. "Take it out now."

"It will takes weeks for it to heal so that the hole will stay open."

"The hole is not going to stay open."

"Antonio has an earring."

"Antonio is an adult. When you are an adult you can make these choices for yourself, but not until then."

"There's a lot boy's I go to school with that have earrings. The handbook only says that all piercings must be in the ear and cannot exceed three per ear. It doesn't say anything about gender."

"Well I'm saying no right now."

"I'll just wear little ones, ones that you can barely tell," Kyle offered.

"I said no Kyle. Now take it out."

Kyle gave his best disgusted look along with a glower of frustration, but it was pretty clear that Matt wasn't going to relent or change his decision.

"I've been disinfecting like I'm supposed to and it looks really good. David's sister got it dead center." Kyle continued.

Matt stopped what he was doing and looked at his son in they eye. "I'm not going to tell you again son. Take it out or I will," he said sternly.

But just as Kyle reached to pull the jewelry from his earlobe there was a loud knock at the door.

Both father and son looked over at their front door, Kyle's hands falling back at his side. "Expecting anyone?" Matt asked as the knocking intensified. "Stay here," he said as he took a step and was once again tangled up in the dreaded backpack. "For God's sake, put that damn thing somewhere."

Matt was about to ask who was at the door when he heard a scared voice call out. "Kyle are you home? Are you there? Please."

Matt looked back at his son. "It's Hannah. Let her in." Kyle pleaded.

Matt opened the door and Hannah flung herself inside and quickly shut the door behind her. "Thank you Mr. Casey. Thank you."

"What's wrong?" Matt asked.

"Everything. Kyle, I went home and he showed up. I had to run." Hannah said looking at Kyle.

"Whoa, back up and tell me what is going on. Who showed up?" Matt asked.

"My uncle."

"And that's a problem?"

"Yes. I've been hiding from him."

"What the hell is going on? I want you two to start talking right now!" Matt demanded.

But before either one of the kids could explain there was another loud knock on the door. "Hello. Is anyone in there?" A male voice called out. "I'm looking for my niece."

Matt started towards the door. "Please Mr. Casey don't open it."

"Hannah, whatever is going on has to be dealt with. You can't run and hide."

"You're one to talk," Kyle mumbled quietly, thinking of all the times that his father just pretended things hadn't happened so he didn't have to deal with them. Like when Louie left and Matt cleaned out the bedroom in the middle of the night. He said it was about turning it back into the guest room, but spoke nothing about the loss they had all endured, which clearly had been at the center of Matt's behavior.

Matt opened the door as Hannah ran over to Kyle and stood behind him. For whatever reason she felt safe next to him despite the fact that he didn't pose much of threat in this particular situation. "Can I help you?" Matt asked.

"Hi. I"m Jared Wesley and I'm looking for my niece Hannah. I know she came this way. I"m supposed to be watching her while her parents are out of town. She's in the middle of some kind of preteen meltdown that I don't understand."

"Bullshit," Hannah yelled out from her position near the kitchen. "You know exactly why I don't want to be alone with you."

"There you are. Quit being a drama queen and leave these people alone and come home with me."

"Like hell I will," Hannah replied.

"Can somebody please tell me what is going on?" Matt said.

"My sister is Hannah's mother and they are at a church retreat in Iowa and I'm supposed to be watching her, but this is the first time I've seen her in two days."

Matt looked over at Hannah. "I've been at a friends house."

"And now it is time to be at your own house, so let's go," Jared said reaching his hand out in his nieces general direction.

"She can stay here," Kyle said jumping into the conversation.

"We're not going to trouble you," Jared said as he took a few steps towards Hannah who looked terrified.

"Hannah, why don't you want to go with your uncle?" Matt asked.

"Why don't you tell him Uncle Jared," she said biting off the last words. "Tell him what you want to do with me."

"I don't know what you're talking about so just stop this ridiculousness and come with me. Now!"

"My parents didn't believe me but Kyle did. I guess that says how much my parents care. They're so damn narrow minded. They dispute what is right in front of them, because they can't handle reality."

Matt was trying to follow the conversation but still hadn't found any answers.

"I'm not going with you," Hannah said reaching into her coat pocket.

"I've had enough, let's go," Jared said walking her way and was about ten feet from her when she pulled the gun out of her waistband.

"Whoa," Matt said. "Hannah, just take a breath. You don't want to do anything you may regret."

"I regret a lot of things Mr. Casey, but keeping him away from me at any cost isn't one of them."

Matt watched as she waved the gun around. She was just to the left of Kyle and Matt could only see a disaster in the making. "You're not going anywhere until I hear your story." Matt said gently.

"And that's all it is," Jared said, "a story that she's convinced herself is true. Do you need more attention? Is that it?"

"I need you to leave," Hannah shrieked.

"Kyle please tell me what you know," Matt asked as he began to edge his way between Hannah and Jared.

"Her uncle watched her a couple of years ago, and he did—inappropriate things to her."

"Inappropriate things?" Matt questioned.

"Yeah," Hannah said, the gun weaving around as she tried to steady it. "Don't you remember Uncle? You like to put little girls in your lap and move them around until—" but she couldn't finish.

"You've got it wrong. You sat in my lap, like kids do." He defended.

Hannah took a big shuddering breath but managed to regain her footing. "I. Didn't. Leave. The. Wet. Spot."

Matt's face contorted into something unreadable. "I think Hannah will hang out here with us until we can get this sorted out."

"Look pal, my sister called me up here from Indianapolis to stay with her all week. She knows that this is nothing but a story. She knows me, trusts me."

"But I don't know you or trust you, so, like I said, Hannah can stay here," Matt said again as he watched the gun shake in the twelve year old's hands. "Let me have the gun," Matt asked gently as he reached out for it.

"NO!" Not until he is gone. I'm sorry Mr. Casey but Kyle is the only one I trust. He found a place for me to stay the last two nights. He stayed with me until I fell asleep both nights. He called to wake me up, he made sure I had everything I needed. He was the one that I could count on." She said much to Matt's surprise.

Hannah thought back to last night as she laid down on top of the sleeping bag that Kyle had borrowed from Kelly and slipped under the blankets that Danny had found from somewhere. Kyle and Danny had managed to make room in Danny's basement storage area for her to spend the night. No parents to question why she wasn't at her house and little chance of being discovered. Both nights asking Kyle if he had time to stay with her despite the fact that he was taking a big risk by not being home when it was thought that he was sleeping soundly in his own bed.

"Do you have time to stay with me?" She asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"I have all the time in the world," he answered softly.

"The police are on their way," Gabby said coming into the room. Matt hadn't realized she was home. "You can stay and talk it all out or you can just go back to your sister's apartment and Hannah can stay here."

"Look, this is ridiculous. I was just doing my sister a favor and suddenly I'm in the middle of a witch hunt." Jared said as Gabby made her way over to him as Matt continued to edge ever closer to Hannah and the gun.

"Hannah, you are not going home with him,"Matt said calmly. "I just need you to give me the gun. I promise you that it will be okay." Hannah scrunched up her eyes, but her grip on the gun became lax and Matt grabbed it.

"Where did you get the gun?" He asked as he cradled it gently.

Both the kids turned and looked at him as if a helicopter had just landed on his head. "It's easy. I got it on the way to school the other day." Hannah answered.

"Seriously?" Matt questioned.

"Yeah. Simple stuff. I can buy a gun on one block, a brick of heroin on the next and put in an order for a grenade launcher all before 8 a.m.."

Matt looked down at Kyle. "Like she said, it's easy. Heck I could have a tank out front within the next two hours if I had the cash."

"Good God, what has become of the world?"

Kyle shook his head not quite getting what had his father so upset. "So what happens with Hannah now?" He asked as the door slammed with Jared on the other side of it.

"I guess he didn't want to stay," Gabby said. "The police should be here any minute. I called Antonio too."

"She can stay here right? You guys are still licensed foster parents?"

Matt slipped the gun into the silverware drawer as Gabby walked over to the kids. "Honey, I can't say what will happen for sure. We'll do whatever we can to keep you safe Hannah."

"But, why can't she just stay here until her parents come home?" Kyle wanted to know.

Before anyone could answer there was a knock at the door. Matt made his way over to it and was relieved to see it was the CPD with Antonio right behind them. Kyle had whispered something to Hannah as the officers came inside. Antonio got Hannah's address and sent both officers that direction to see if Jared was there. It gave them a few minutes of private time before the other two came back.

"What did you whisper to your friend?" Antonio asked Kyle who tried to look innocent. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Kyle looked back at his father who gave a small nod. "Well, Hannah kind of found something and thought it might help him take her more serious."

"Found what?" Antonio asked as Matt moved towards the drawer.

"This," Matt said handing the gun to Antonio butt end first. "Two bullets."

"It was loaded?" Hannah asked astonished.

Antonio looked exasperated. "You found this?" Hannah nodded. "If I run it, it's not going to come back to anyone in your family is it?"

"No sir," she replied.

"Okay," he sighed. "Damn city. So tell me what's going on."

Kyle took the lead since Hannah looked like she was about to collapse. She interjected what she needed but otherwise stayed silent. "So you told your parents what happened a few years ago, but they still decided to have him come up and watch you?"

Hannah nodded. "They didn't believe me. They said I was a liar. They like to believe their own version of the truth and if the actual version contradicts that, they refuse to believe it."

"When are they due back?"

"Friday night."

"It's Wednesday." He said contemplating.

"She can stay with us right?" Kyle asked.

But before anyone could answer the two officers returned along with a social worker from DCFS, the acronym for Depart of Children and Family Services.

"Why is she here?" Kyle asked after she introduced herself.

"Anytime there is a child in distress call with no parents around DCFS gets called," one of the officers explained.

"She's staying here," Kyle said as he crossed his arms and glared at anyone who would meet his gaze.

"Yeah, why can't she just stay with us." Gabby offered. "We have a third bedroom and we are licensed."

The caseworker gave a weak smile that didn't bode well. "I'm afraid since you are in such close proximity of the accused and he knows where your apartment is, this isn't the best choice."

"So what's going to happen now?" Matt asked.

"Well, we need to get her statement of what happened to her so it can be on record. We will also contact her parents." The caseworker explained.

"So where will she be until they return?" Gabby asked.

"I'm not exactly sure. Most likely a group home."

Kyle looked as if he was going to explode. And then he did.

To be continued...

Thank you to all who have reviewed. I appreciate your kind words.


	16. I Need Your Help part II

Part II of III

"Are you kidding me!? She has a place here where she's safe. We have locks on our windows and doors. But instead you're going to put her in a place where she doesn't know anybody and who knows what might happen to her while she's there. And then, you are going to put her back with her parents who left her with a child molester. Great plan!"

"It's okay Kyle," Hannah said. "I'll be fine. At least I don't have to go back with him."

"You tried to help your friend and that was a wonderful thing to do. But it wasn't a solution," the caseworker said.

"And this is?" Kyle cried out.

"There are different sides to this issue and we need to hear all of them." She explained.

Matt was trying to think of something to say that would calm his son down and somehow put him at ease. But before he could Kyle shook his head and stepped towards the worker. "Yeah, there are sides and it always seems that it's the victim that falls into the cracks between those sides. They will pull and push and she will be the one destroyed. Bang up job." He walked over to Hannah and hugged her. I'm sorry that it ended up this way. It's not what I wanted."

"By believing me, you gave me everything that I needed. I will be okay. I'm stronger now, because of you."

"I'll be happy to tag along with you," Gabby offered. "I mean, if that's okay."

"I don't think that'll be a problem as long as Hannah is good with it," the caseworker said.

Hannah nodded her affirmation and the three left Matt, Kyle and Antonio behind.

"She didn't just find this gun did she?" Antonio asked.

Kyle sighed. "No. But I don't know who she bought it from. Or where she got the money. But she was that scared and that should tell you everything you need to know."

"It does speak volumes," he agreed. "Well, I'll take it back to the station and say I found it. Kyle, you proved to be a loyal friend but sometimes things are just too big for even you to handle."

"Can you check on her tomorrow? Make sure she's alright?"

"I'll see what I can do," he promised.

Hours later Gabby came through the door and found Matt staring at a muted TV while Kyle was crashed on the couch next to him. "How'd it go?" he asked quietly.

"Okay I guess. The place they took her seemed nice enough. There were several adults to monitor the girls. They took her statement and were trying to get a hold of her parents."

"So they're just going to send her right back to them?"

"I don't know what might happen."

"Poor kid," Matt sighed.

"She was putting on a brave face, but I'm sure she was nervous."

Kyle sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Where is she?"

"At a pretty cool house with several other girls. Kind of like that place Louie was in when we went to visit him." Gabby replied in her best soothing voice.

"Funny, you didn't think a group setting was such a great place for him when he was there."

"Well, he was a lot younger. He needed more attention."

"You see, this is the problem when adults get involved—they screw everything up and the kids are always the ones that lose. Every single damn time!" He said as he stood up.

"Hey, that's not fair. She couldn't keep sleeping in Danny's basement." Matt said.

"Yeah, everything is so much better now," he replied as he stomped off to his bedroom making sure he slammed his door.

"Well, glad he could understand all the complexities of the situation." Gabby said.

Matt shook his head. "He's going to be tough to live with for a few days."

"Yes, I think so. We can hope it's only for a few days. And what's up with the earring?"

Matt just allowed his head to fall forward. "That kind of got lost in all the drama. We'll tackle that on another day."

"Yeah, good call babe."

By Saturday morning, Kyle still hadn't heard from Hannah and his nerves were getting frayed. Matt and Gabby came home from their shift to find Gretchen working on her laptop at the kitchen table.

"Is Kyle still sleeping?" Matt asked her as he entered the room.

"No." She said as she stretched her arms up over her head. "He went across the hall to check on Mrs. Kauffman. I saw him knock on the door and go inside. I told her that he wasn't supposed to go anywhere without coming back here first."

"Okay then," Matt said. "See you back here on Monday then."

"You bet." She said packing up her computer and books.

"Oh, Gretchen, how was he behavior wise?"

"Quiet. He watched some TV then went to his room and put his ear buds in. I tried to get him to talk to me but he just brushed me off. Is he okay?"

Matt took a second before he realized an answer was called for. "Yeah, he's fine. Thanks. See you later."

Gabby and Matt had started to make breakfast when Kyle came back with Mr. Sparkle Pants in tow.

"I was beginning to wonder," Matt said as he pushed some bacon around in the pan.

"Mrs. Kauffman accidentally spilled some cereal this morning so I vacuumed the apartment for her."

"You're a good kid," Gabby said as she started to scramble some eggs.

"Yeah, okay, whatever. I'm going to take the dog for a walk," he said as he pulled his jacket from the closet.

"Wait a second," she said coming around the table and grabbing a piece of bacon as she passed by the counter. "Here you go Mr. Sparkle Pants." The dog responded by standing up on his back legs and waving his front paws in the air, doing his circus dog act. "Who's the best and the cutest dog ever?"

"Well since he's the only canine in the room I'm going to go with him," Kyle said zipping his coat. "Can we go now?"

"Of course." Gabby answered.

"Don't be too long,"Matt said waving a spatula.

"Long enough to let the smell of bacon go away."

Once out in the fresh air it took all of Kyle's patience to wait while the dog hiked his leg on absolutely everything and then smelled each individual blade of grass at the playground. It seemed to take forever but finally Sparkle finished all of his business and Kyle could proceed with the real reason he was out this morning. "Come on. Hopefully your presence will help ease the awkwardness we're about to encounter." He told the dog as they marched up the steps to Hannah's apartment building.

They stepped into the hallway that smelled of old grease and heavy duty cleaner that had the odor of pine forest mixed with a lemon tree. He led the dog over to Hannah's door and knocked. Kyle looked down at the dog who looked back up at him, excited for whatever adventure awaited. After several seconds he knocked again and the two went through the routine once more. Finally after a minute of no activity from the other side of the door Kyle threw etiquette out the window and pounded the heel of his hand against the scarred metal door. "Hannah, are you home? Hello?" He yelled out as Mr. Sparkle Pants supported the endeavor by hopping on his hind legs and barking.

A voice from behind him made Kyle turn around. "Hey kid, what the hell? What are you doing out here at the crack of dawn?"

"It's 9:00 o'clock," Kyle countered.

"In the morning?" The dude asked. He looked as if he had been run over by the street cleaner. His shoulder length hair was a matted mess, his eyes were bloodshot and the undershirt he wore had more holes than fabric.

"Have you seen Hannah? The girl that lives here?"

"She's gone," the guy said.

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked. He had figured she would be back at home by now. Her parents were due back yesterday and from what Gabby had explained to him on Friday they would most likely release Hannah back to her parents. Maybe the foster system had kept her, maybe she had run away.

"Where is she?" Kyle asked.

"How the hell should I know?" The grimy dude answered. "But the family that lived there-"

"Two parents and a girl my age?" Kyle interjected.

"Yeah, kid, two parents and a kid moved out last night."

"Moved out?" Kyle asked as the dog began to jump around feeding off the excitement in some weird dog way.

"Yeah. They showed up yesterday afternoon around noon I guess and started hauling stuff out."

"Like what stuff?"

"Like garbage bags full of stuff and some furniture. The furniture was later though. I remember that because the pizza guy was here and couldn't through because they were shoving the couch through the front door. So that had to be like six or seven."

"And you saw Hannah leave?"

"Is that the kid?"

"YES!" Kyle yelled.

"Didn't really see her as much as I heard her. She was complaining about not being able to have her phone and something about talking to some other kid. I can't remember his name though."

"Kyle? Was the name she mentioned Kyle?"

The guy shrugged. "I don't know man, I was pretty high by then. I remember hearing something about Family Services coming and they needed to leave asap. Now can you just take your little dog and go away now, I've stuff I've got to do."

"Yeah I'm sure you do," Kyle replied as he turned back to Hannah's door and turned the knob. To his surprise the door actually opened revealing an empty space with only random papers and garbage left behind. Even the big crucifix was gone, leaving only holes in the wall to speak of its once larger than life presence.

Kyle picked up the dog and did a quick walk through. The guy across the hall may not have been the most worthy source of information but he was most definitely right about the family's departure. He popped his head into Hannah's old bedroom, it was empty except for two stuffed animals and a few clothes that were hanging in the closet. They had left, runaway and he would probably never find out where or why.

Back outside he jogged down to the corner store to see if the Sobotka's knew any details as their store was so often the hub of neighborhood gossip. "Ah, Mr. Pants," Mrs. Sobotka said as Kyle entered. The poor dog answered to a half a dozen names, but it never seemed to bother him. Just look in his direction and you had his full attention.

"A treat for you," she said pulling a small dog biscuit from behind the counter. "And for you," she said offering Kyle a cookie.

"Thank you, but I don't eat those and it's 9:00 in the morning."

"That's right, you eat all the vegetables." She said with a smile as the dog snarfed down his cookie along with Kyle's. "You're such a good boy."

Kyle wasn't sure if she meant him or the dog. "Mrs. S, did you see Hannah yesterday? Her neighbor said she moved."

"Ahh, I'm afraid she did. I saw her for just a second when I was out picking up trash from the street. Some idiot," she tried, but the word sounded more like idiooot, "threw his wrappers out of his car window. People have no respect, not caring what they do."

"Mrs. S, Hannah?" Kyle reminded her, trying to get her back on track.

"Oh yes. She was down by her apartment. She was just standing there. She knew where she was but she was still lost. Then later I see the truck come by."

"What truck?"

"The truck that is not too big but not too leetle. A square truck."

"A box truck?" Kyle tried.

"Yes, the square truck with some letters on it about mooing."

"Moving?" Kyle asked.

"Ahh, yes of course, moving would make more sense than mooing. I am sorry you lost your friend. Did she get to say goodbye?"

Kyle shook his head and pulled the leash tightly and walked over to the front door and told the shop owner goodbye. On the way back to the apartment Kyle stopped back in the playground and sat down on one of the swings. He pulled Sparkle up into his lap and gently began to sway frontwards and backwards, his arms wrapped around the chains, his hands holding tightly to the dog.

This was the first place he had ever seen Hannah. She had been sitting on this very swing. She had smiled at him and they began to talk. She was actually his very first friend in the neighborhood beating Danny out by a half hour. And now it was over. She was gone and he would probably never hear from her again. All because he couldn't protect her.

To be continued...


	17. I Need Your Help part III

Part III of III

 **The next couple of weeks brought a house** full of tension with barely contained frustration and anger. Kyle's emotions had been simmering and Matt's weren't far behind. Gabby had been busy trying to contain the dissatisfaction that both Kyle and Matt felt. Kyle's came from not being able to help his friend and solve her problems while Matt's were born from the fact that he too, wasn't happy with the resolution and the fact that Kyle wasn't letting go of his resentment that the adults had screwed everything up.

One evening Kyle came home from Danny's house and blasted through the living and to the kitchen without acknowledging anyone. He hadn't even bothered to respond to Matt and Gabby's greetings.

"Hey, we were talking to you," Matt called out as he got up off the couch and approached Kyle.

"Yeah, hi, whatever," Kyle mumbled and he spread some peanut butter on a piece of bread.

"No, not whatever. Now you've been pushing it with your behavior over the last few weeks and I've had enough of it. I'm sorry that Hannah left without you being able to say goodbye, but you have to hope for the best and move forward. There's nothing else you can do for her."

"So, its just that easy. Forget her and move on like nothing ever happened. Maybe it's easy for you to box it all up, put it somewhere where it won't ever be thought of again, but I can't do that. I'm not like you!" Kyle said tersely.

"I'm not saying that. Of course you should remember her, but you can't stay in the same place lamenting over something that can't be changed. You tried, I tried, but things didn't work out as we had hoped."

"You tried?" Kyle questioned. "All I remember is her walking out the door to never be seen again."

"What other choice was there Kyle? She had a gun, we didn't know what her uncle was capable of. We had no other options."

"Great options. Who knows what's happening to her now."

"The uncle came here, we had to call the authorities. Did you know she was carrying a gun?"

"No. I had no idea that she had gotten a gun. I guess she was just that scared."

"You didn't know that she had a loaded gun. She didn't even know the gun was loaded and had no idea how to use it, tell me how that is a good thing? What if she had shot someone, accidentally or purposely? What if her uncle came after you? This could have gotten really ugly really, really fast, with you right in the middle of it. And on top of all that I discover that you left the house during the night without my knowledge. That cannot happen," Matt snapped thinking about his dream of Kyle's empty bed.

"So I was supposed to ignore her?"

"No, but there was no easy solution and you need to understand that despite your best efforts you can't always fix things. There are problems too big for you to handle and you need adult help."

"Yeah, fat lot of good the adult help was. I didn't ask for it because I didn't I want it because I knew the adults would screw it up. I hated what happened and I hate you!" Kyle shouted as spun away from Matt and stormed to his room.

Matt started to follow but Gabby intercepted him. "Let him go. He's just blowing off steam."

"Well that's all he's been doing since this happened and it's going to stop now! I am not going to raise a disrespectful brat. Gabby, she had a gun and he was out on the streets late at night. I was angry with Gretchen that she allowed it to happen and now he's pulled the same stunt with us. It's unacceptable."

"He's not a disrespectful little brat. You know that. It's just a lot to deal with and he can't grasp the depth and complications that all this entailed. His world is still relatively simple and he can't anticipate how things can quickly escalate. It's like when he took off earlier this year, he just didn't understand how much could go wrong. Let me talk to him. He's upset. He lost Ben, now he lost a good friend to an unknown scenario. It's a lot to process."

Matt huffed, and paced in a small circle. "Fine, but his behavior better improve."

Kyle had gone to his room and screamed into his pillow. He knew it was in his father's skill set to aside recent problems as if they never existed, but Kyle couldn't let go that easily. He thought of Hannah and what she was going through every day. Some days he blamed himself, other days he blamed the adults that were involved.

As he sat on his bed and revisited the whole ordeal once again, he heard a knock on his door.

"Kyle, can I come in? I have a little fuzzy friend that wants to say hi," Gabby called out.

The door swung open and Mr. Sparkle Pants bounded in. "Mrs. Kauffman said he was getting underfoot so I took him for a walk and then thought maybe you could bounce his ball around so he could chase it."

"There's not much room in here," Kyle said looking around.

"He doesn't need much room," she said handing him the ball as the dog turn in excited circles.

Kyle had asked for a dog nearly nonstop for years but was always told no as their lifestyle just wasn't conducive to having a dog. So, he generally didn't mind helping out with Sparkles.

Kyle bounced the ball off the wall and Sparkles went bonkers trying to corral it, often knocking it further away from him than taking control of the sphere.

"How are you doing?" Gabby asked gently.

"Did Dad send you in here?"

"No, he didn't."

"But I'm supposed to stop thinking about what happened with Hannah right?"

"No, but there's nothing more that you can do. For your own health and peace of mind you have to understand that you did the best that you could."

"And it wasn't good enough."

"Sometimes, even though we try really hard the outcome isn't what we hoped for."

 **Matt made an attempt at patience** and understanding while Kyle made an effort to be a little more cheerful and involved in family life. But neither one was fooling the other. So a shift that landed on Thanksgiving Day wasn't such a bad thing.

That morning they walked into the firehouse, Kyle holding his mashed potato casserole, Gabby hauling in an apple pie while Matt balanced some rolls and Kyle's meat substitute, and a bag full of bottles of flavored water.

"Hey there bud," Kelly said as Kyle set his food on the counter. "Is that the potato casserole that I like?"

"Sure is. Made by me and with no dairy," Kyle said proudly.

"By you, is that so?"

"It is, I supervised," Gabby said.

"Well, I stopped by that vegan bakery and got those cupcakes you like," Kelly said with a smile.

"You did?" Kyle asked excitedly.

Kelly winked at Kyle and helped the Casey's find room for their food in the refrigerator. Sylvie had come in early and put the rather large turkey in the oven. Most of the side dishes had already been prepared and just needed to be heated up when dinner time neared. All hoped that it would be a quiet day and they could enjoy the day with their firehouse family.

"I see you are still sporting the earring," Kelly said as he and Kyle sat down at the squad table. Kyle was the only person who wasn't a member of squad that could sit at the table uninvited and not get a dirty look. If anyone chased him off they would have to answer to Severide.

"Yeah. I think Dad forgot about it with everything that went on with Hannah."

Kelly knew for a fact that Matt hadn't forgotten about it. But he was trying to keep everyone's mood on an even keel. And for the moment he allowed the small stud in his son's ear to remain.

"Kyle Casey. Can you come into my office please?" Chief Boden asked as he approached the table.

Kyle nodded trying to think of what he may or may not have done to bring on this conference. "You better get going," Kelly said after the boy had remained seated for several more seconds.

"Oh, yeah, right." He said getting up and heading towards the Chiefs office. When he got there both Matt and Gabby were waiting.

Chief quickly picked up on Kyle's insecurity and smiled. "You're not in trouble. I found this on my desk this morning along with a note from Connie that it had come in the mail yesterday. It's addressed to you."

He said as he handed Kyle an envelope.

Kyle took the envelope with trepidation. He saw the firehouse address with his name at the bottom. The writing was neat, but had a youthful scrawl to it. He opened it up, his finger leaving a ragged slit and pulled out a piece of a notebook paper that revealed purple ink and small doodles in the margins. He turned it over to see Hannah's name on the back with a treasure box with a small heart coming out from it.

"It's from Hannah," he said excitedly.

"Can you read it out loud please?" Matt asked.

"Hang on," Kyle said as his eyes skimmed the words making sure there wasn't anything to private or personal within its borders. He finally cleared his throat and began.

Kyle,

please believe that I had no idea what my parents were going to do after they picked me up form the group home. They wouldn't let me go down to your house or even give me my phone back. I wanted so badly to tell you goodbye and I cried nearly the whole way out of the city.

I hadn't memorized your phone number so even when I found a phone it was useless. All I could think of is that you would hate me for leaving without saying goodbye. I hope that you don't.

We drove to Indianapolis and stayed with my uncle. Yes that uncle. You can believe I threw a fit. Finally after two days of me stomping around, threatening to run away and spending as much time as I could outside we left his place. It was only a one bedroom anyway and nobody was getting along with anybody anyway. So we went to my grandma's house in northern Indiana right near South Bend. I didn't know her real well, but one day I was crying and she asked me why and I told her everything. She believed me! She got into a big argument with my father and told both my parents to get their lives straightened out and when they did they could come back and get me. So right now I'm staying with her. She's really nice and works at the college library. She even took me on a tour of Notre Dame and it was so pretty there. I will start school on Monday at Graham Middle School and it's only two blocks away.

I miss you already. But I'm happy now and I want to tell you thank you for your help. Just knowing that you believed me and did what you could to help me means everything. You can write me back at the return address and after grandma gets her next paycheck we're going to get me a phone. I'll mail you the phone number.

Take care and have a good Thanksgiving.

Hannah

P.S. Tell your parents thank you. They were great.

P.P.S I didn't know your home address but I found the article about the fire with that picture you hated inside one of my books and had your dad's fire house so I was able to search for 51's address. I hope you get this okay.

"Well it sounds like she landed on her feet," Matt said.

Kyle was still staring at the letter, more specifically the treasure box that she had adorned with not only a heart but a little bear and what he believed to be a penguin. He smiled as he reflected on a memory from several months ago when Hannah had somehow escaped her parents and come down to his apartment to hang out.

She had given his room the once over smiling as she looked at his keepsakes and how his personality shined through, from the books on a corner shelf to a pile of Legos being transformed into some kind of plane.

"Only two stuffed animals." She said as she picked up the bear with a red t-shirt that said I Love You, off the top of his bookshelf. "They must be special. Tell me about this one."

"My mom got that for me at the airport when she came back from South America. She died a couple of months later."

"Sorry," she said setting it back gently. "What about this little penguin?"

Kyle smiled. "Kelly got me that one at the zoo. When I was little the penguins were always my favorite. I loved the way the waddled and swam. And how they shot out of the water as if they had been fired from a cannon. I would sit and watch them for a long time. And Kelly would sit right next to me while I did.

"On a day I didn't want to leave he bought be that so I could bring one home with me."

"You don't like the penguins anymore?" she had asked.

"I do. But I have outgrown the wild-eyed wonder that kept be glued to them. A side effect of growing up I guess."

"Well these are treasures," she said putting the penguin back. "Just like you're my treasure. You'll be my treasure forever," she had whispered.

"You okay buddy?" Matt asked as he saw that his son had drifted away momentarily.

"Yeah fine," he answered as he neatly folded the letter and slid it into his pocket. He then charged off to find Kelly.

 _ **I am working on future chapters and they may be a slight delay in the coming weeks with updates. I hope you will continue to check back regularly as I will try to keep the wait at minimum. Thank you all for reading:)**_


	18. A Night on the Town

**A Night On The Town**

Matt came out of the bedroom buttoning his shirt and took the remote control from the coffee table and aimed it at the TV rendering it silent.

"Hey, I was watching that," Kyle complained. "You look nice. And smell nice," he remarked sniffing the air as he turned towards his father.

Matt smiled as he finished buttoning his shirt. He was only going dressy casual with black pants and

a dress shirt. He was sure that Gabby was taking it up a notch even though they were only going to dinner and a play. In fact they could both hear her banging around in the bathroom.

"Please tell me Kelly is coming over to watch me," Kyle asked.

"Sorry kiddo, not tonight."

"I"m staying by myself?" He asked excitedly.

Matt threw his head forward. "No, not that either. Look, first of all I want to talk to you about that earring."

"I was kind of figuring that I could keep it. I mean you haven't said anything about it."

"Hmmm. You're right I haven't said much about it. With all the drama that we have recently endured I just let it go. First of all I want to ask you why you thought it was okay to mutilate your body and without even asking me. 

Kyle shrugged. "I think I needed a change."

"A change?"

"Okay," Kyle sighed. "I think I needed to be in control of something. I guess I didn't think of what you would say or how you would react. I just decided to do it. And I've taken great care of it. I clean it twice a day and it hasn't gotten infected."

"I see that," Matt said looking at Kyle's earlobe. He had of course been subtly checking it on a regular basis for infection as had Gabby.

"See I'm responsible."

"Well the jury is still out on that one. But since you have taken good care of it and it has been over a month I'm going to let you keep it," Matt put up his finger as Kyle reacted to the announcement. "But, there are rules. I have to approve of each earring you wear and if you decide to change it out when you get to school, I will find out about it. And if you break that rule, it's over. Understand?" Kyle nodded that he did as Matt continued. "I'm not buying you any earrings so don't ask, and don't ask Kelly either. If you want one then you have to pay for it."

"And don't go too cheap either," Gabby added as she hopped out of the bathroom trying to put her left shoe on. "If you do, it'll turn your ear green and make it itch."

"Well doesn't that sound like fun," Matt said smiling.

"Okay. It's a deal," Kyle said smiling as his left hand reached up and found the small stud in his left lobe. "So who's watching me tonight?" He asked just as there was a knock at the door.

Matt glided over and opened the door revealing his sister Christie and niece Violet. "Good evening," Matt greeted.

"Hey guys," Christie said as she hugged her brother. "Hi Kyle," she said waving.

Kyle nodded, unsure of what was going on. Gabby came around the corner and offered her greetings as she was jamming an earring in her right ear lobe before she disappeared back into the bedroom.

"What are they doing here?" Kyle finally asked.

"That's what I was about to tell you," Matt said.

"They're going to watch me?" Kyle guessed.

"Just me," Violet said. "I babysit all the time."

"I'm not a baby," Kyle reminded. "I can stay by myself," he said petulantly.

"I have no doubt that you can," Christie said. "But Violet needs something to do."

"And some cash," Violet interjected.

"Violet!" Christie admonished.

Matt laughed. "And some cash." He agreed. "Kyle has already eaten and there's plenty of snacks. Both Gabby and I will have our cell phones but will have to have them on silent at the play. But we will check them often. Kyle has Kelly Severide's number and he is on standby in case we can't be reached. Ummm, let's see what else. No going out of course. There's plenty on TV and streaming and a couple of DVDs if you're interested. Board games, books and of course your precious phones. Sound okay?"

"Sure whatever," Kyle mumbled as he walked away.

"Sounds just fine Uncle Matt," Violet said with a smile before she turned and joined her cousin.

"Thanks for this Matt. It's been kind of tough for her lately."

"Why, what's going on?" Matt asked, the concern in his voice coming through. "Is Jim paying the bills?"

"Yes, he's holding up his end financially. That's not the problem."

"Then what is?"

"He's been—inconsistent with his visitation." She said choosing her words carefully. "He say's he'll pick her up and spend the day with her and then he calls and cancels at the last minute. He had her all excited to go the Halloween thing at Six Flag's and then called to say he couldn't do it. No explanations, no reasons, just left me to pick up the pieces.

"Lately he can't even pick her up for lunch or dinner or an afternoon visit. And there's even been a few times when he hasn't even bothered to call and let her know he's not coming. She's pretends it's no big deal, but I'm sure it's just crushing her."

"What the hell is his problem? Why didn't you tell me about this?" Matt demanded.

"You have your hands full. I didn't want to bother you with it. Plus, what can you do?"

Matt thought back to the time he secretly went behind his sister's back and forced Jim to provide for the family that he had financially abandoned. He discovered a little blackmail could go a long way and he had no regrets about what he did for his family. As far as Matt knew, Christie had never become aware of his actions and he wanted to keep it that way. She had been under the impression that Jim had found his moral compass all on his own. But now it would seem that Jim had lost his way again. But Matt wasn't so sure that this problem could be as easily solved. He looked over at Kyle who was pointing out something to Violet on her phone. He would move heaven and earth to stay in his son's life and just couldn't understand Jim's rejection of his daughter.

"Hey babe, we better get going," Gabby said as she came back into the room and began rummaging in the closet for her coat.

"Yep, okay," Matt said as he took the coat that his wife had handed him, his mind still on his ex-brother-in-law's failures.

"Okay, Violet, Kyle, I'm leaving too." Christie said as she fell in line behind Matt and Gabby. "You can call me if you need to."

Matt shrugged into his coat and called Kyle over. "Behave yourself and listen to Violet, she's in charge."

"Okay," Kyle answered quietly.

"Call me if you need to, but only if you really need to. If necessary call Kelly if you can't reach me."

"Like he'll be sober," Kyle replied.

Matt smiled. "You'll be fine. I'll see you later. Be good."

"I will," Kyle huffed.

Matt gave his son a mild warning look as the adults trooped out into the December cold.

 **The cousins played a couple** of board games and then switched to TV. "So what do you want for Christmas?" Violet asked.

"A tablet and some cool earphones. What about you?"

"A new phone, clothes and these boots I saw at this amazing store in the Mag Mile."

"Pricey I'd imagine," Kyle replied.

"Yeah, but my dad owes me."

"How come?"

"He's been blowing me off. Constant excuses not to see me. Sometimes he doesn't even call or text me an excuse, he just doesn't show up. He's supposed to take me to Michigan over Christmas break, but I'm definitely not getting my hopes up."

"That sucks. What a jerk."

Violet just shrugged. "I pretend it's no big deal. I don't want my mom to freak out."

"But it is a big deal isn't it?" Kyle asked.

Violet just shrugged again. "I know Uncle Matt wouldn't be like that. He was so freaking out when you took off last spring."

"You know about that?"

"Sure. He called Mom, hoping you had come over to our house. She tried to calm him down, but I could tell he was totally panicked. She asked if I knew anything about where you might be, then we both jumped into the car and drove around. She wondered if I knew any special places that you might have gone."

"I'm guessing you didn't?"

"No. Apparently we don't know much about each other. Sucks our parents didn't really talk much for so long. Because of grandma."

"Yeah, that was messed up." Kyle admitted.

"Yeah, having one parent kill the other really puts a damper on things."

"I guess it's good our parents turned out as well as they did considering their history. For future reference, I like parks. They're like an oasis for my soul."

"That's deep. Okay next time will check out the hundreds of parks in the city. But I guess you went through hell with that fire. I can't imagine would it would be like to know my parent was about to die and this was the last time I was going to be able to talk to them. Mom had tried to hide that article about the warehouse fire in the newspaper but I saw it. The one with the picture of you on the front."

"Don't remind me."

"I never thought about how dangerous his job is. I mean I know, but—I guess—I don't know."

"Well I do know. I know it loud and clear every shift," Kyle said. "I hate that stupid picture."

"I thought it was cool. Raw, inspirational."

"Whatever," Kyle sighed as he turned to Netflix.

"So what's up with earring?" Violet asked.

"Just felt like getting one."

"And Uncle Matt let you keep it?"

"Apparently he did," Kyle said not willing to explain the emotional turmoil that had abounded during that time period, that had apparently distracted Matt just enough that he prioritized things a little bit differently.

"Hmm. He must be getting soft in his old age," Violet shrugged.

"Hardly," Kyle replied as he leaned back against the couch and relaxed.

 **An hour later** **Kyle had noticed his cousin** repeatedly check her phone and the clock on the wall.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking at my phone like a normal teenager." She snapped.

"Okay. But checking the clock isn't so normal when you have a clock on your phone. That's like double checking. Excessive checking."

"Whatever," she replied.

Expecting someone?"

"How far is this address?" She asked as she thrust her phone in his face showing a text with a street address.

Kyle looked at the information and thought for a moment. "It's two blocks that way," he said pointing, "and then a block up. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"Right. That's why you wanted to come over isn't it? There's something going on over there."

"Maybe."

"A party?" Kyle guessed.

"Maybe," she repeated. "Look. I've got a deal for you. I take a walk, go see my friends for like an hour and you get to stay here all by yourself. It's win win. You get some alone time and I get to make an appearance. Then I'll come back here and we pretend it never happened. Sound good?"

"No. I'm not staying here. You go, I go."

"You're a kid, this party is for teenagers, older teenagers. High school kids."

"You go, I go," Kyle repeated.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	19. A Night on the Town II

**A Night On The Town part II**

 **Twenty minutes later** the cousins were battling the wind as they trudged up the block in search of the party full of older teenage, high school students. Violet still wasn't sure how it had turned out this way. She thought for sure that Kyle would have jumped at the chance to stay home alone. She wasn't sure what his motive was, or if even had one. Who could figure out what little kids thought?

Once they turned the corner it wasn't hard to find where the action was. The block held what were once large single family homes that had been turned into multiple dwellings. But there were still a few that remained home to only an individual family. And it appeared that the home where the party was being held was one such house. The beams of light were shooting out of the windows in a strobe effect and the thumping bass could be heard as the climbed the steps towards the front door.

"Okay. Check your phone a lot. I'll text you when to meet here at the front door when it's time to leave." Violet said.

"I don't have my phone." Kyle admitted.

"What do you mean you don't have your phone?" She gasped.

"My dad has a tracking app. He checks it—a lot. This way if he checks it, it'll show I'm at home."

"What if he texts you and you don't answer?"

"I can say the phone was charging or I fell asleep. Easier to explain that, than to find a reason I'm three blocks from home at 10:00 at night."

"Look, why don't you just go back home," Violet suggested.

But before Kyle could argue the door opened up and a tipsy girl spilled out on to the small porch. "You made it," she screeched. "Conner is going to be soooo happy to see you. Come on, let's get you liquored up."

And with that Violet just disappeared into the darkness and thumping music. Kyle just shrugged and followed behind, ready to get his first taste of a wild, unchaperoned night.

The eleven year old slipped unseen inside the house. To the left was what was probably a formal living room, parlor or den, whatever you would call an extra room that you have, furnish and then totally ignore. To the right was a large room that was most likely the hub of all the household activity. In front of Kyle were stairs that led upwards and a hallway that remained a mystery for now. He chose to go right, which was clearly ground zero for the party.

The room was dark and crammed full of teenagers. They bumped and grinded to the music that was an assault on the eardrums. Kyle was surprised that the police hadn't been called with complaints about the noise. Most, if not all were holding cups, cans or bottles that most certainly held alcohol in some form. As he wedged himself into the tiny openings that occasionally presented themselves he finally made his way to the kitchen which felt bright in comparison to the shadowy scene that had been the family/living room. The strobe light left imprints on his eyeballs as he blinked his way towards the stools that were tucked under the island that was in the center of the room.

Once acclimated he sat down and looked around. He noticed his coat was wet and he bent his head down and sniffed. He wasn't exactly sure what it was, but had smelled it on Kelly's clothes before as well as the clothes that Gabby wore to Molly's. He had to figure out some way to clean his coat. If his father found out, he'd be dead meat.

"A little young to be here aren't you?" A boy of about sixteen or so asked him. He was wearing a down vest and a Chicago Cubs knit hat.

"Maybe he lives here?" Another boy with a bright green sweatshirt asked.

"I live down the street. My cousin is out there in the mix," Kyle responded.

"Who's your cousin?" Knit hat asked.

"Violet Jordan." Kyle answered.

"She goes to the Latin School right?" Kyle nodded that she did.

"Yeah, she's cool." Green sweatshirt said as he set his beer down.

"You go there?" Another boy asked having just come through the sliding door that appeared to lead out to a deck and small backyard.

"No, Parker," Kyle replied as he looked outside.

"Go on out there. They're playing horseshoes. I don't think they'll care if you watch," he said sniffing and then wiping his nose with his sleeve. "Cold though."

Kyle zipped up as much as he could and pulled his gloves from his pocket and slid them on. "Here," the boy with Cubs hat on took it from his head and pulled it onto Kyle's. "Just find me when you come back inside."

"Sure. Thanks," Kyle said smiling. He went outside and found a spot on the stairs of the deck and watched two groups of kids that were slinging horseshoes back and fourth despite the cold and snow. You can't keep Chicagoan's inside during the winter, they will fight the elements the best they know how to enjoy the fresh air and fight the boredom that descends during the darkest months.

The kids either didn't notice him or didn't care that he was watching as they didn't change their activity or acknowledge his presence in any way. The two teams continued to take turns until the grew bored and began to toss snow at each other.

Kyle was beginning to shiver so he stood up to go inside when the boy who gave him his hat to borrow stepped outside. "Here you go. You can have it back," Kyle offered taking the hat off his head and holding it up.

"It's okay. I'm not staying outside for long. I'm Charlie," he said with a slight smile.

Kyle introduced himself and stepped over near the railing of the deck and decided to stay outside a little longer. Charlie moved over to the steps and looked as if he was going to sit down where Kyle had vacated when the sliding door opened revealing another teenage boy. He staggered out wearing only a t-shirt. Kyle could sense a silent but collective groan from the kids around him.

"Whatcha doin' peeps?" He slurred as he threw his arm over Charlie's shoulder.

"Just hangin' out," one girl said.

"Well drink up. This is a party! Here ya go little fella," Conner said handing Kyle a can of beer.

"Conner, he's just a kid," Charlie said.

"Oh, Charlie, you are so sweet to worry about your little boyfriend," Conner said while patting Kyle's head, knocking his hat askew.

"Don't be an ass," another boy said.

"It's what he does best," Charlie whispered so quietly Kyle wasn't sure how they all managed to hear it.

"What'd you say punk?" Conner asked as he moved over next to Charlie and shoved him off the stairs and down into the backyard.

Charlie landed on all fours and it was as if time slowed down to a crawl. It seemed as if nobody was quite sure what to do or how to react. Charlie seemed frozen as did every other witness in the yard. Only Conner seemed to be in motion. He hopped down the steps, his breath coming out in huge puffs. "I asked you what you said!"

"I said you're the best," Charlie lied.

"I don't think you did," Conner countered. "I think you insulted me. Guess what pal, I don't like that," he said picking up a handful of snow and shoving it in Charlie's face before he grabbed even more of the frozen stuff and shoved it down his victims shirt. Then he gave him a knee to the face before he laughed as if his actions merited a jovial response.

"We're still not even, but we're closer," Conner said before he turned and stomped up the stairs and back into the house.

Two of the horseshoe players helped Charlie up and tried to brush off the experience as easily as they did the snow. But some things don't fall away so easily. As Kyle watched, he wondered if that Conner was the same one that had been waiting for Violet. He hoped not, but suspected they were one in the same. Kyle wondered what the hell she saw in that jerk.

"He's such an ass," one girl in a purple coat said. "One day somebody needs to put him in his place."

The others mumbled their agreement as they all moved back inside to the warmth of the kitchen. Most of the kids pulled their outwear off and disappeared back into the room of noise and sporadic light. But Charlie grabbed a towel from the handle of the refrigerator and wiped his face and neck. Kyle who had been standing there, the beer he had been given still in his hand, pulled off his borrowed hat and handed it to Charlie. "Thanks. It helped a lot."

"Sure," the teen replied.

"Can I pour you a drink?" Kyle asked pushing the beer towards his new friend.

"Thanks kid."

Kyle took off his coat and gloves and sat back down. Charlie got up and disappeared into a darkened room and came out with a bottle water. "They keep bottled water in the pantry. I think this will suit you better."

"I think you're right," Kyle said unscrewing the cap and taking a drink.

"Have you even had alcohol?" Charlie asked. Kyle smiled, revealing his answer. "Oh you bad boy. Do tell me all of your experiences."

"I haven't, not really. Just a little if my dad doesn't finish his beer. It tastes nasty. Plus I tried some at Kelly's house when he wasn't looking, it was clear with ice in it and it tasted nasty too. I don't get the appeal."

Charlie laughed. "It's not how it tastes, it's how it makes you feel."

"I've seen some of that and I don't get that either. It makes you talk funny and act stupid."

"I think you're surrounded by alcoholics," Charlie said as he pulled his coat off hitting the island with something hard in his pocket.

"Nah, they're fine. Well maybe one is, no, maybe," Kyle see-sawed. "They work hard, drink to relax, sometimes they drink to forget."

"They're not cops are they?"

"No," Kyle said as Charlie lifted his coat up to hang it on the back of his chair. But just as he turned around to slide it on the chair a knife fell out. "Is that a knife?"

"Hunting knife. I carry it with me sometimes."

"Yeah, the deer are pretty thick around here," Kyle joked.

"My dad gave it to me," Charlie answered as he opened the knife from its tucked and folded position. "I keep it really sharp," he said turning the knife under the light, causing it to flicker the brightness. "I keep it super sharp. It can cut you without you even knowing at first. Then it burns."

"How do you know? " Kyle asked as he looked over at the flat screen TV that was screwed to the wall.

Charlie opened a drawer and pulled out a remote and turned the appliance on and found the classic hockey movie Slapshot. It was clear that he knew the house well and must spend time in it regularly.

He sat back down and put the knife in his pants pocket and looked at Kyle. "Because, I've cut myself a few times—quick like lightening," he said pantomiming a slash.

Kyle wasn't sure what to say so he stayed quiet and focused on the movie beaming down at him from the wall. Before long he and Charlie were relaxed and laughing. Part of it was the movie and part may have been the beers that the older teen had continued to chug down. Suddenly Kyle realized he had no idea what time it was. He turned his head left and right and turned around and found digital numbers shining the fact that it was nearly midnight.

"Holy shit. I have to go. I have to find my cousin. If we're not home when my dad gets there he's going to kill us."

"Well, it was great to meet you Kyle. You're a cool little dude," Charlie said.

"I am?" Kyle asked.

"You are," Charlie confirmed.

Kyle found a second door that led from the kitchen into living room and he made a quick tour of the bouncing bodies but didn't see Violet. Conner had been there throwing his weight around in time with the music while his right hand held tightly to a squarish bottle of what Kyle assumed was hard liquor. A tour of the second floor was next but after seeing several things he wished he hadn't, he still couldn't locate his cousin. Maybe she had left without him. He would just have to go home and hope she was there and if she wasn't—well then at least he would be. But as he entered the back way into the kitchen to grab is coat, his plans changed.

He had walked through the door at the far end of the kitchen and picked up his coat and as he walked back towards the other door to go through the living room and eventually the front door he bumped into Charlie who was coming back into the kitchen from the living room. It was as if everything was in slow motion as Kyle looked at his new friend who blinked slowly as he looked down at Kyle and folded his knife back into itself. Kyle thought it was odd that Charlie had taken the knife out of his pocket, odder still that he had flipped the blade out, but what really had the boy puzzled was the fact that there appeared to be blood on the blade.

Just as Kyle was trying to digest what he had seen he heard a crash and a pop and then screams. "Gun," somebody yelled and then a tornado of chaos descended. Kids were running every direction, streaming out of every door, eventually finding their way into the cold, most had no coats on, but they really didn't seem to notice or care. Kyle had dropped his coat as he stopped and saw the swirl of activity, wishing he knew where Violet was. He strained his eyes to see if he could make out anything specific in the bedlam, but it was all just a mishmash of hysteria . Suddenly he heard a voice cry out. "I'm bleeding, holy shit, I'm bleeding. I've been shot." Kyle stepped into the room to discover the disembodied voice was coming from Conner.

Kyle sighed and ran into the living room and right to the teen. "Where are you hurt?" he asked as he looked up at the teen.

"I'm bleeding," Conner yelled, the fear more than apparent in his voice.

"Where?" Kyle asked. "Can somebody turn on a damn light!" Kyle yelled. A moment later a lamp in the corner was turned on. "More. I need more light," Kyle stated as he looked around hoping not to find an active shooter.

Finally an overhead light came on allowing Kyle to see that the room looked like a garbage dump, littered with cups, bottles and cans, most giving up their contents all over the wood floor. The source of the crash and subsequent pop was a lamp that had been upended and was sitting damaged at the far end of the room. He could see blood seeping through Conner's t-shirt and the panic etched on the boys face.

"Come over here and sit down on the couch," Kyle directed. Conner followed along, his feet tangling up as he stumbled his way that direction.

"I'm going to die," Conner screamed.

"No you're not," Kyle assured as he pulled the shirt up to take a look. What he saw was not a gunshot wound but a clear slice just below Conner's right armpit. It must have happened when he throwing his hands in the air as the last song demanded. "You're cut, not too deep, you'll be fine."

"Somebody cut me?" Conner asked, his eyes wide and questioning.

"It appears that way. Or maybe you crashed into something and cut yourself? A few stitches and you'll be fine." Kyle said.

"I'm bleeding," Conner yelled, as if Kyle didn't already know.

"Can somebody get me a towel please?" Kyle asked.

A few seconds later a girl came out with a towel and was on the phone. "Is that 911?" Kyle asked. She nodded vigorously up and down.

"Why didn't you call 911?" Conner asked as if Kyle was a complete failure despite being the only one to come to his aid.

"Because I don't have my phone on me."

"What? Who doesn't have their phone on them?"

"Me. Now I'm going to apply pressure to your cut and it might hurt for a second, but you'll be fine."

"I'm going to die aren't I?" Conner asked just before he yelled out as Kyle pressed the towel to the wound.

"No, you're not. The bleeding isn't even that bad. I need you to relax. Look at me and just breathe, in and out just like me. Follow my breaths," Kyle instructed.

Conner did his best to follow the pattern Kyle had set for him and it did seem to help but he was still very much on the edge of delirium. Kyle continued to talk to him calmly and encouraged him that he was doing fine and his wound would leave cool scar and a story to talk about it. That finally seemed to settle the teen down.

 **The house was pretty much empty when the police showed up** and all Kyle wanted to do was get his coat and go look for Violet but he discovered quickly that wasn't going to happen.

"Stan, take over for the kid," one of the newly arrived officers said pointing his partner in Kyle's general direction.

"Here, I'll take that," the cop said, indicating the towel that was pressed against Conner's ribs. Kyle gratefully took his leave, grabbed his coat and headed towards the door.

"Hang on there partner," the first cop said stepping in front of the eleven year old. "Let's talk for a minute."

"I have to go. I have to find my cousin," Kyle tried.

"Was he here at the party?"

"She, and yes and she was and now I don't know where she is."

"Okay, we'll find her, but first I need to ask you a couple of questions. First of all I'm Officer Tyler what's your name?"

"Kyle. I didn't see anything. I was in the kitchen and heard some yelling and came in here to find Conner saying he had been shot."

"He was shot?" Officer Tyler asked.

"No," Kyle answered almost laughing. "I think something fell and made a noise."

"I was stabbed," Conner moaned.

"You'll be fine," Kyle said with a sigh. "It's a small gash, the bleeding is under control. With a few stitches he'll be good to go. Barely a scar."

"You said I'd have a cool scar," Conner said, slightly alarmed.

"Of course you will," Kyle said nodding. "A really awesome one. Look officer, I have to go."

Before the officer could respond the front door opened and several party goers were ushered inside by two other officers. Most had no coats and were busy rubbing their hands up and down over their arms in an effort to warm up.

"Haven't found a sober one yet," one of the cops said.

Tyler turned back to Kyle. "Is your cousin in that group?"

Kyle surveyed the group and shook his head. "No and I have to go find her."

"Look kid, you're most likely the only one that isn't too drunk to remember anything."

"Too drunk? I didn't drink anything but water."

The two other officers had gone back outside to herd more kids back into the house and as they left the ambulance arrived bringing the two paramedics rushing inside. Officer Tyler pointed them to the victim and Kyle was relieved that he didn't know either one of them.

"Stan, you help out here and I'm going to take the kid home." Stan nodded his agreement as Kyle finally slid into his coat and followed his new friend outside. "How far do you live?"

"Just a few blocks," Kyle said as he looked around for Violet.

"Climb in," Tyler said as he opened the back door of the squad car.

Kyle took a deep breath and slid inside wondering how the hell his night had ended up like this.

"So, it's just you and me. Tell me what happened?" He asked after Kyle gave him his address.

"I already did. I was in the kitchen, heard a commotion and went to check it out. Kids were running out the door and Conner was complaining."

"What made you go into the living room if you thought shots had been fired?"

"I didn't think shots had been fired. The sound wasn't right."

"And you were sure of that?"

"I was the sober one, remember?"

"You didn't notice anyone acting oddly or anything out of place?"

Kyle thought back to Charlie walking past him with knife out and bloody. Kyle wasn't a detective, but he wasn't a moron either. Clearly Conner was an ass and a bully and finally somebody had had enough. With that in mind Kyle carefully chose his words.

"It was a house full of drunk teenagers, they were all weird. It was dark, loud and chaotic. Did I see anyone attack Conner? No. I wasn't in the room. No matter how many times you ask me, I didn't see what happened. I don't even know these kids or their cliques or the dynamics of their groupings. All I know is that I need to find my cousin and get home."

 _ **To be continued...**_


	20. A Night on the Town III

_**A Night Out On The Town III**_

 **Matt and Gabby had had wonderful evening,** but were also both happy to finally get home. But what they found was not what they were expecting. "Violet?" Matt said as they entered the apartment hallway to find her sitting just outside their door.

"What are you doing out here sweetie?" Gabby asked as she bent down to talk to her, getting a big whiff of alcohol.

"Where's Kyle?" Matt asked.

"I don't know," Violet sobbed as Matt unlocked the door. "It was just going to be for an hour and then there was a gunshot and Conner got stabbed. I mean who does that?"

"There were gunshots? And a stabbing?" Matt asked in terror. "Where the hell were you?"

"Honey, you have to think hard, where is Kyle? Was he with you?" Gabby asked as Matt had entered the apartment screaming his sons name as he dialed his phone only to see the darkness be abbreviated by Kyle's phone lighting up.

"Dammit," Matt said gritting his teeth. He ran through the entire apartment and found it to be empty. He went back towards the front door to find Gabby hauling a gagging Violet towards the bathroom.

"Check her phone for information," Gabby said handing it to Matt.

Matt began to scroll the most recent conversations. "Who did you meet at the party?" he asked, yelling towards the bathroom where his niece was now retching over the toilet. She mumbled something he couldn't understand. "What'd she say?"

"Noelle, I think," Gabby said as she held Violets hair back.

Matt found the name and traced the conversation backwards until he found an address. "I'm going to check out this address. Call me if Kyle comes home or you hear anything more."

"Of course," Gabby replied.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Matt," Violet wailed.

 **Kyle had his face pressed** against the window looking for his cousin on the short ride home.

"Do you see her?" Tyler asked.

"No. I hope she's home."

"And she's supposed to be the one watching you?"

"Yeah. Ironic isn't it?" Kyle replied.

"Life so often is," the officer said as he looked for an opening to put his patrol car into. "Which one?" He asked of the particular building address on the block.

"The one with iron fence, 911."

"Seriously? Your address is 911? 

"Yeah, it's hilarious. Damn," Kyle uttered. "My dad's home."

"Well, this was going to catch up to you either way kiddo."

"I can't get out," Kyle stated as the door handle seemed to disobey the boy's efforts.

"Hold tight. I have to get you from the outside."

Matt was hurdling out the door and had just hit the steps when he saw a police cruiser pull up. Suddenly his recurring dream seemed to be unfolding before his eyes. The lone officer had gotten out of the car and gone around to open the back door and much to his relief Kyle stepped out seemingly alive and healthy.

"Thank God," Matt said as he opened the gate that separated the small yard from the sidewalk.

"Is Violet here?" Kyle quickly asked.

"She's inside with Gabby." Kyle started to walk towards the front door. "Whoa there pal, you're staying with me for the moment. Nice try though."

"Officer Frank Tyler. I was called to a house party where things got a little out of control." The officer said sticking his hand out.

"Matt Casey, father of wayward child."

"Captain Casey?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah," Matt said looking at the man questioningly.

"I thought you looked familiar. I was at the scene of that crack house fire last week. You had your hands full, I'm sure you don't remember me. But now it all makes sense."

"What makes sense?" Matt asked.

"That he's the child of a first-responder." Matt looked at him oddly, cocking his head like an uncertain dog. "He ran in when everyone else was running out. He put direct pressure on the stabbing victims' wound and calmed him down until the paramedics arrived.

Matt wasn't sure what to say or exactly how he felt. On one hand he was beyond proud, but on the other hand he wasn't pleased that his son went racing into an unknown situation. "We got an initial statement, but the detectives are going to want to talk to him again. He most likely is going to be our best witness since he was sober."

"But-" Kyle began.

"I know, I know. You weren't in the room, you didn't see anything. Well, you're going to have to tell them that. Here's my card," he said as he handed it to Matt. "If he thinks of anything in-between. I'll need to get some information from you so we can be in touch."

While Matt was giving Officer Tyler what he needed, Kyle slipped by and headed to the apartment. He didn't see anyone but he could hear Gabby talking to Violet. "Your mother is on her way." Gabby said.

"Why did you call her?" Violet whined.

"I didn't sweetie, she called to say she was already on her way to pick you up."

"But you told her."

"I think she was going to figure out the night didn't go as planned as soon as she saw you."

Kyle peeled off his coat and dropped it on the floor next to the closet. "Where were you?" Kyle asked.

"I couldn't find you and I didn't feel good. I just wanted to lie down. Conner-"

"Conner what?" Kyle asked knowing it wasn't going to be anything pleasant.

But Violet looked over at Gabby and shifted gears. "Conner wouldn't dance with me. So, when I couldn't find you I just found my coat and walked out. I figured you had already left. I got to the end of the block when I heard a bunch of noise and saw everyone running out the door. Kelsey ran my way and told me about a gun shot and that Conner got stabbed. What happened?"

"I'll fill you in later." Kyle replied as Matt walked in the door and picked up Kyle's coat.

"You're sure you weren't drinking," Matt asked as he smelled the alcohol on the coat.

"Yes. Somebody spilled their drink on me when I first got there. Do I act drunk or does my breath smell like I've been drinking?"

Gabby who had been standing right next to her step-son shook her head slightly towards Matt who took it as an indication of Kyle's honesty.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it. But this doesn't mean you are off the hook. We will be talking about this in depth tomorrow and there will be repercussions." Matt warned.

"But she was the one in charge. You said so!" Kyle argued.

Matt was about to tell Kyle to go to bed when there was a knock and Christie came through the door looking rushed and disheveled. "Violet, what the hell happened? You were supposed to take care of Kyle not go off and get drunk."

"It was just supposed to be an hour," Violet said again.

"She just keeps saying that," Gabby explained. "I have no idea what it means."

"Kyle, do you know what it means?" Christie asked.

Kyle opened his mouth to deny any knowledge of anything but then realized there was no point in it. Especially with his father looking at him with the expectation that he would be explaining exactly what had happened. "There was a party a few blocks from here that she wanted to go to. She had said it would be only for an hour. She told me to stay home, but I didn't want to. We went, she drank, I didn't. She left early, I didn't. Things got chaotic and here we are."

"Well, that's definitely the abridged version." Matt said. "Go get ready for bed and I'll be in shortly to check on you."

"Fine." Kyle said as he walked towards the bathroom. But he stopped and turned around, "she hasn't said anything, but her dad missing the visits really bothers her." He then spun back around and glided into the bathroom.

"Dammit." Christie said, fighting tears. "I knew it did, but she kept denying it. Now's she's going to parties with her eleven year old cousin and getting drunk. Guys, I'm so sorry. There is no excuse for this. She not only put herself in a bad situation she dragged Kyle along with her."

"I don't know about that. I think Kyle had a big role in placing himself in that situation." Matt said.

"Because he's eleven and that's why you had someone older, supposedly with better judgment to watch him. I'll call you tomorrow for the full story. I think I'm going to take her home now, before I lose it."

"She can stay here, sleep it off. You both can," Gabby offered.

"No, I want her home. You have been through enough."

"Even though she wasn't in the house at the time, the police are going to want to talk to her. I gave them your information. They'll be in touch."

"Thanks."

"Here's a plastic bag," Gabby said returning from the kitchen. "I think you might want to have it in the car with you for the ride home."

Christie nodded her gratitude. "Again, I am so sorry."

 **Kyle had brushed his teeth** and splashed some water on his face, dragging a washcloth across it before he made his way to his bedroom where he dropped his dirty clothes on the floor and found a pair of boxer shorts that he liked to wear to bed along with a t-shirt. He turned his bedside lamp on and pulled his current book from the nightstand. He tried to read, but he found that he was just staring at the words, unable to actually focus on what they were trying to tell him. His mind wandered to what his dad might say to him and just how much trouble he was in.

After several minutes, Matt knocked but opened the door before Kyle could invite him inside. He instantly stepped on a wayward Lego, hearing the crunch beneath his shoes, grateful for the protection from what he considered the most evil and painful toy known to mankind.

Kyle having heard the crushing sound immediately apologized. Matt didn't demand that his son be immaculate, but he did require that the floors be clear and items put in the general location of a storage bin when they weren't in use. "Floor looks a bit of a mess. I'm sure you'll take care of it in the morning."

"I will," Kyle promised hoping that might appease his father. "Did Violet go home?"

"Yes she did. I imagine that she is in for a rough day tomorrow."

"How much trouble am I in?" Kyle asked quietly as he moved over allowing Matt to sit on the edge of his bed.

"I don't know yet. Why did you go with her to the party?"

"Two reasons," Kyle replied.

"And what were they?" Matt asked.

"It was a chance to go to a high school party. I mean, how often is that opportunity going to come around—even when I'm in high school?"

"I see. And what was the other reason?"

"To keep an eye on her. I figured there would be alcohol and I knew I wouldn't drink, so I thought I could make sure she would stay safe. But I kind of blew it. I didn't expect it to be such a big house with so many kids and so dark. I kind of just gave up."

"What made you help that boy that was hurt?"

Kyle shrugged his shoulders. "Because he needed it. Because you are a firefighter and it's what you would do. Because Kelly is a firefighter and it is what he would do. Because Gabby is a paramedic and it is what she would do. And because it is what Mom would have done. Because clearly it's in my blood."

Matt chewed on what his son had just told him and realized that it would be a natural choice for someone who is surrounded by those that react to others in distress. "But we aren't allowed on the scene until it is cleared by the police."

"I couldn't wait. And besides I know there have been times when you haven't waited. Like when you were in that building with an active shooter." Matt looked surprised that Kyle knew about that. "It was on the news Dad. You can't shield me from everything.

"Besides," Kyle hesitated, thinking of Charlie and his knife. He knew there was no more danger because the danger had passed by him going the other direction. "Besides, I knew that it didn't sound like a gunshot. I was sure."

"Well, I want you to go to sleep now. But we will talk more about this tomorrow. And I'll call the station and see if you can give your statement as soon as possible."

"Okay," Kyle said slipping underneath the covers.

Matt stood up and bent over and planted a kiss on his sons forehead, not caring whether he liked it or not. "I love you son," he said as turned and kicked the boys jeans aside that were sitting near the doorway.

"I'll clean up tomorrow," Kyle promised, thinking about more than just his room.

 **Kyle tugged down his green knit hat** that sported two shamrocks that Kelly had bought him last year for the St. Patrick's Day parade. It was one of those Chicago winter days that were cherished. It was bright and sunny, with a minimal breeze and he had gotten permission to walk home after school. Kyle really needed the time to think after the weekend that he had experienced.

True to his word Matt had called the station and they had gone to the precinct to give his full statement, which sounded much like his Saturday night statement. Kyle navigated his words carefully, he didn't want to lie and did the best that he could to avoid untruths. He knew that technically he was lying by omission, but he could live with that. He always found that he could live with doing the wrong thing for the right reason. And if the detective that had been handed the case felt that Kyle was lying he didn't show it. It just seemed like a typical monotonous routine, interview after after interview of kids saying that hadn't seen anything and had no idea what had happened ad nauseum.

Kyle was glad it was over and now three days later he was really trying to put it behind him. He thought of the texting conversation he had had with Violet and wondered how the world had ended up in such an awful place.

"Hey Kyle," a voice called out causing Kyle to spin around to see Charlie.

"What are you doing here?" Kyle asked. He had just stepped into Oz Park, part of the route he used to get home. He loved the Wizard of Oz sculptures that stood guard it was as if you stepped into a fantasy land, even if it was only for a moment. His private oasis as he had told Violet.

"Looking for you. You got a ride the last two days. I was going to give up, thinking I would never catch you alone and then today here you are. How far do you live?"

"That way," Kyle pointed, his breath coming out in puffs. He gave the vague answer as he didn't see the need in telling Charlie exactly where he lived.

"Can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure,"Kyle said as he tugged on the straps of his backpack.

"Have you talked to the cops yet?"

"Sunday. My dad wanted to get it over and I really wasn't in a position to argue with him. Don't worry, I told them the truth." Concern crept into Charlie's eyes. "I told them that I hadn't seen anything. That is the truth. Have you talked to them yet?"

"No. I'm sure they'll get around to me though. I know they were talking to the Brenner's about who was at the party and a lot of kids haven't gotten calls and been interviewed." He said speaking of the two teenage hosts.

"It'll be fine. They'll go through the motions, but this can't be top priority. Obviously nobody saw anything."

"Except for you," Charlie pointed out.

"What I saw was purely circumstantial. Pieces of a puzzle, and I can live with the picture that they may have made. Conner is an ass and got what he deserved."

"Somebody had to do something. I did, but nobody knows it and that is exactly why we can never win."

"But does the other side win? I think they are so scared to break out of their self imposed moulds that they don't win either. They fear every move they make might be the wrong one." Kyle said thinking of his conversation with Violet a few days before.

"Then what?"

"Then they fall from the pedestal that they so carefully placed themselves on."

"It's the same cycle with very generation. The cliques, the castoff's. If we could only look past each other's failings and become one, but people won't give up themselves for others. They just can't. Why do we have to keep making the same mistakes over and over?" Charlie asked.

"We can't look past the imperfections of others, if we do, we risk them not looking beyond our flaws. The risk is too big. We are doomed to repeat the cycle." Kyle said. "It's because it's who we are."

"It's not good enough. It's just not good enough."

"I know," Kyle sighed.

"I owe you," Charlie said.

"You don't have to owe me. But you can do one thing for me. 

"Name it."

"Watch out for Violet."

"I can do that," Charlie replied. "Take care kid. You have a lot of guts and a good soul. You see more shades of gray than anyone I know."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was meant as one." Charlie assured. "I haven't lost any sleep. If that means anything."

"I think it does have meaning. And just so you know, I haven't lost any sleep either ."

Charlie nodded, turned and headed the opposite direction as Kyle made his way to a bench and sat down. He pulled his glove off using his teeth and grabbed his phone from his back pocket. He went to his text messages and found the thread he was looking for. Violet had texted him Sunday night.

" _ **you okay"** _She began.

" _ **fine, but grounded for two weeks how do u feel"**_

" _ **gross**_

 _ **my mom is pissed, big time pissed. I'm grounded for a month**_

 _ **Conner said he needed ten stitches"**_

" _ **why do you like him"**_

" _ **why do u ask"**_

" _ **cuz he's a bully"**_

" _ **but he's popular"**_

" _ **for the love of god why"**_

" _ **he's hot, jock"**_

" _ **hot jock, nothing about personality**_

 _ **grow up make ur own decisions based on more than his face and athletic ability"**_

" _ **u don't get it"**_

" _ **enlighten me"**_

" _ **bcuz with him u r on top**_

 _ **u push him away and he attacks and then the rest do**_

 _ **its better to be the one spitting than the one spit on"**_

" _ **Is it? If everyone made the choice that he's not worth it, it would work, he would be at the bottom"**_

" _ **won't work"**_

" _ **why?"**_

" _ **Because too many people want to be in position to spit**_

 _ **the world is incapable of change"**_

" _ **so basically you're saying it's better to be the oppressor than the oppressed?"**_

" _ **duh"**_

" _ **that makes me sad it shouldn't have to be that way"**_

" _ **i know it's the truth tho**_

 _ **I'm sorry for going to the party"**_

" _ **no ur not, you needed to get to ur spot on the popularity ladder**_

 _ **no matter the cost**_

 _ **I hope you got what u wanted"**_

 **Violet didn't answer for a long time but finally she replied.**

" _ **being popular isn't easy ur always afraid to make a wrong step"**_

" _ **then don't be popular it sounds too hard"**_

" _ **ur too young to understand the hierarchy"**_

" _ **i don't understand why there is one"**_

" _ **you will one day"**_

" _ **i hope not"**_

But Kyle was already aware the power structure as junior high had its own pecking order. He hated it now and was sure he would hate it in the future.


	21. Guy's Weekend

**Guys Weekend**

Matt was finishing up his conversation as Kelly walked up. "It's okay, it's not your fault. I hope you feel better."

"What's up?" Kelly asked as they finished up their shift.

"That was my sister."

"Christie? Is she sick?" He asked having heard the tail end of the conversation.

"Yeah," Matt sighed. "Gabby and I were supposed to have a romantic weekend up in Wisconsin, leaving right after shift and coming home tomorrow night. Christie was going to watch Kyle for us, but she woke up with the flu: fever, vomiting. So no weekend for us. At least not one in Wisconsin."

"I'll take him," Kelly offered.

"Are you sure? You spent Friday night on shift and you're willing to give up your Saturday night as well?"

"Sure, why not. He hasn't spent the night with me in a couple of months. It's time for a Kelly, Kyle weekend."

"Well, before you commit you need to understand that he's got a lot going on this weekend."

"I can handle it."

"Hmmm, I don't know. He's already at a hockey tournament that will go until at least noon. Then he has a chorus competition across town. And Sunday he has a rehearsal for some kind of show that he's going to be in."

"I've got it," Kelley assured.

"What have you got?" Gabby asked as she came over.

"Our backs," Matt said smiling. "I'll get his schedule for you. Thank you, thank you!"

Kelly smiled as Matt disappeared and Gabby looked puzzled.

 **An hour later Kelly found a seat and looked out** onto the ice at the scattering of players sliding this way and that. He never realized how skilled and fast the National Hockey League was until he watched the game in its lower forms. Granted these were kids and they already skated much better than he ever did in his youth hockey experience, but it still seemed to be dragging along in slow motion.

From reading the schedule taped to the wall that welcomed everyone to the third annual Greater Chicago Midget, or Mite, or Junior or was it Squirt, three on three tournament. Pee Wee, that was it, Kyle's age group was Pee Wee, Kelly remembered thinking that sounded like the worst moniker of them all. When he read said schedule he knew that the Lincoln Park Warriors were playing now and he searched for his Godson on the ice.

"Great way to spend a weekend. Not." A woman said as she sat down next to him. "Shane plays baseball where I fry my ass of all summer and hockey where I freeze it off. I can't win. Which one's yours?"

Kelly looked out onto the ice just in time to see Kyle's number 91 jersey appear. "That one," he said pointing, he long ago gave up trying to explain the relationship so he just went with the assumption.

"I think he scored his last shift or maybe that was number nineteen. I can't remember. I think I suffer from brain rot from all these games. But I guess I'm glad he's in a organized activity and not out there roaming the streets getting shot at."

Kelly just gave an awkward smile and returned his focus back to the game. After several minutes he watched the clock wind down and the buzzer sound indicating the end of the game. The players ambled off the ice, a cluster of sticks and pads. The poor goalie looked like a manatee lumbering off the ice, his pads overwhelming him. Kyle looked around and shuffled over, balancing on his skate blades. He had to stop at the end of the rubber strip or risk damaging his expensive equipment.

"What are you doing here? I thought Aunt Christie was watching me this weekend?"

"She woke up with the flu, so you're stuck with me."

"Awesome," Kyle chirped.

"When's your next game?"

"Um, I think it's after this next game. Then they have to run the Zamboni and then we play our last game."

"How are you guys doing?"

"We lost our first one, but we won this game. But we'll definitely lose the next one."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because they're huge. I swear some of them are shaving already."

"Where are they from?" Kelly asked quashing a smile.

"The Garfield Park Gladiators. We just played the Bridgeport Bombers. This tournament is stupid anyway. All it's for is scouting for the city/county game."

"What do you mean?" Kelly asked.

"They do three on three so than get a good look at each player and a great look at goalie skills. At the end of the season, the players they deem worthy get asked to a tryout and only half of them make it onto teams. Then the six or so teams that they created all play each other and whoever has the most points at the end of their mini season faces off against the Cook county all stars who have the same type of set up."

"Wow, that sounds organized."

"Yeah, they play into May. Well I have to go so the coach can yell at us as a team. Did you bring my change of clothes?"

"Right here," Kelly said patting the black pants and white dress shirt Kyle was required to wear for his concert. Kyle gave him a thumbs up and hobbled off towards the locker room.

 **The Warriors gave it a good try** but true to Kyle's prediction they lost by two late goals to the Gladiators, who were indeed, huge. Kelly figured that some of them not only shaved that they had probably driven themselves to the game. He wondered what they fed their kids in that neighborhood. One of them hip-checked Kyle and sent him flying across the rink.

After the game Kyle ran over and snatched his clothes and began to head to the locker room. "Don't forget to shower," Kelly called out. Kyle didn't bother to turn around he just waved, his glove nearly falling off as he did.

After racing way too many blocks to count and getting stuck at every single stop light, Kelly double parked across the street from the school that was holding this round of the chorus competition in its auditorium. He turned and looked at Kyle who had just finished up two protein bars and a bottle of water. His hair was still wet from his shower after the game and it wasn't quite sure which direction to go so Kelly used his fingers to rake it into some kind of semblance of order. "I'll find a place to park and then I'll be in. Your teacher or coach or whatever you call her knew you might be a little late right?"

" _ **Mr**_.," Kyle emphasized. "Ritter, knew it might happen. But wasn't too pleased."

"What'd he say?"

"Don't be late."

"Well go." Kyle flung the door open and started to get out. "Hey, go to the corner and cross at the light."

Kyle rolled his eyes as he slammed the door, but began to jog the short distance to the light and waited for it it turn in his favor. He then ran across and disappeared through the front doors. Kelly shook his head as he watched the boy disappear. He could never completely understand the complex emotions he felt for the boy. But, he was very grateful to have them.

The room was dark by the time Kelly had arrived. He finally found a parking space three blocks away and half walked, half ran back to the school and then found he had follow the signs pointing the way to the auditorium. He finally arrived and stumbled in, waiting for his eyes to adjust before he made a move to find a seat.

He settled in one near the aisle just in time for a woman to come out on stage and explain the rules of the competition. Apparently several schools from the area would compete, singing two songs that they chose from a theme that they were given weeks ago. They submitted their choices that were either approved or disapproved. Then they came out and performed their first piece and then left the stage to return later to complete the second one. They were awarded points for presentation, creativity in song selection, and of course the actual singing performance. As the production started Kelly realized there was more than just singing. The kids didn't just stand around and belt it out, some were dancing while others were moving around putting some kind of sketch as the words rolled off their tongues. There seemed to be a lead singer and the others were backup, but were still a big part of the production, often filling in gaps with intertwining melodies that were more involved and complicated than Kelly had expected. It would seem as if Kyle's life was a series of actions in which he was awarded points. It was no wonder that kids suffered from self esteem issues. Being constantly judged on one's performance would be difficult to bear on a regular basis. Whatever happened to win some lose some? Playing for the sheer joy of it? Or filling in the gap of a lazy afternoon. It appeared as if those days were over.

About twenty minutes into the program a woman sat down next to Kelly and pulled her phone out and began to text. "I'm sorry" she whispered as her fingers pounced on the letters. "My daughter is playing basketball in Lawndale and of course here I am in Hyde Park and my no-good, lazy ass husband is warming up a bar stool somewhere in the Loop, leaving all the juggling to me." She finished her word play and tossed the phone into her purse.

"I'm Lynn, sorry to disrupt your viewing. These kids are so good, but the competition is incredible. Which school does your kid sing for?"

Kelly decided to keep it simple and gave a one word response. "Parker." He was already growing tired of giving an explanation of their relationship that nobody was interested in hearing anyway.

"Oooh, they're good. Last month I was sitting down front and got a video of their performance of Sweet Child Of Mine. The lead singer was amazing. Very moving. The theme was children. They chose well. That got them the top points for sure." Inside her purse her phone buzzed and she pulled it out, looked at it disgustedly and tossed back in. "Don't get married. Oh, it's probably too late for that bit of advice. The only good thing I got out of it was my girls and I don't even like them half the time," she sighed.

Kelly felt for the harried mother, but he returned his attention to the stage and the next group to perform. As the kids in front of him went through their motions, he reflected on his life. The older he got the more desire he had to put roots down, something that had never appealed to him in the past. Having Kyle in his life helped him continue his wild ways while still having a part of him grounded in reality. True, Kyle wasn't his, but on days like today, it felt as if he was and that gave him a piece of domesticity that filled a hole.

Now that he was watching his thirty's disappear behind him, the life of one night stands and drinking the night away didn't seem to be as much fun as it used to be. Kyle was eleven and even though he knew they had a great bond, the day would be coming soon that he would be hanging out more with his friends than anyone else, including Matt and good ole Uncle Kelly.

He found he was looking at life differently these days and though he wasn't quite sure he was ready for weekends like this on a constant basis, he just might be ready to share his life full time. He felt like his life was like a puzzle and most of the pieces were made up of his firehouse family. Kyle was definitely a corner piece, one that held him securely and was always easy to find and count on for so much that ailed him. But he was ready for another step, one in which he couldn't count on a child to provide for him.

He thought back to when Renee came back from Spain supposedly carrying his baby. He was ready to jump ship and follow her without even doing the math. Was he ready then? Was he ready now? Would he ever be ready? Was anyone ever ready?

But before he could think himself to death about scenarios that hadn't happened and may never happen, his phone lit up and buzzed. He swiped it to reveal a text from Kyle showing a selfie of the boy sticking his tongue out. Kelly smiled and returned the favor making a silly face of his own and hitting send. The two exchanged texts every day. Sometimes it was a joke, other times a silly meme or picture and sometimes it was just a simple hello. But they touched base each and every day. It was a ritual they both clung to and Kelly hoped would never fade away.

Kyle had told him these things usually lasted around ninety minutes and it was nearing that mark. Frances Parker School had one more routine and it was beginning to look like they'd be last to perform. Kelly fought to stay awake as the darkness trumped the music coming from the stage he and he felt his head nodding. They had had two calls the night before. One was around ten but they didn't get back until midnight and the other was a short call but still sucked two hours of snooze time from his night.

Finally Parker was announced as the final act and was going to be led by Kyle Casey. "That's the kid I was telling you about that sang Sweet Child," the late arriving mom told him.

Kelly felt a surge of pride rise up, but then realized he had nothing to do with Kyle's talent. But then again he didn't think Hallie or Matt did either. Kyle was an anomaly. The kid belted out a tune with a fifties vibe to it and it had everyone head's bobbing despite the fact that nobody had every heard the obscure song before. When it ended there was quite a round of applause. Kyle had a great voice, but he had something more, he never stopped trying to make a connection with his audience and did so without much of an effort.

Kelly clapped his heart out and even put his fingers in his mouth and let out a long whistle. The one Kyle called the attention-getter.

"So, what happens now?" Kelly asked his seatmate.

"Oh, they go backstage and their teachers talk about the performance and then let them go. They'll all be trickling up this way soon."

"Thanks," Kelly said. "Good luck with the rest of your afternoon."

She nodded as stuck her phone up to her ear and began to chatter at a high rate of speed at whoever answered on the other end.

As he waited for Kyle, he thought back to last May when school was winding down and the fifth grade ended the year with a Sock Hop. Due to some lingering Alderman duties, Matt was unavailable and Gabby was going to be stuck at Molly's causing Kyle to ask, nay, beg, Kelly to chaperone the dance. He managed to beg off for all of fifteen minutes before he agreed. Then twenty minutes before he was supposed to pick Kyle up, he was informed by said child that as a chaperone he was supposed to dress to the theme. Once again Kelly balked, only to show up a the Casey's wearing black boots, jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket. His hair was too short to do much with, but hey, he did the best he could.

Kyle was almost ready, in his black Chuck T's, jeans, black t-shirt with the short sleeve rolled up over a mock cigarette pack and Gabby was still squirting gel in his hair and combing it back. "See, aren't you glad you didn't your hair cut this week. I have just enough to give you a ducktail—sort of."

"You look great dude. Did you smoke those cigarettes yourself?" Kelly joked.

"Yep, that was the deal," Kyle said laughing.

"Okay kid, that'll do it. The dance ends at 9:30. He ate dinner so shouldn't be starving. If you need anything call me, Matt will probably have his phone on vibrate and hidden away."

"Okay boss," Kelly saluted. "Ready to go?"

Kyle nodded emphatically. "Wait, one more thing," Gabby said. The guys stopped and looked at her. "A picture." She grabbed her phone and took a couple of shots.

"Text me those," Kelly said on the way out the door.

"You bet. Make sure you ask those girls to dance," she said.

"What girls?" Kelly asked.

"There were a few girls texting him asking him if he was going to the dance." Gabby answered.

"Yeah, to see if I was going not that they were going to dance with me."

"I was a girl once. They were asking you, because they want to dance with you."

In the end they both had a great time. The kids weren't yet polluted by puberty. They were sweet, naive, uncertain at first but eventually adventurous. The cookies and punch were innocent and so were the kids. At first it was the typical boys on one side, girls on the other. But when Kelly asked the Language Art's teacher to dance and the principal joined in with another teacher a few kids began to wander towards the dance floor and bounce around and forgot about being wallflowers.

By the end of the night Kyle had danced with several girls and even asked on behalf of a friend if Kelly would dance with her. Much to her delight, he said yes, and twirled her into memories she would forever cherish.

When they got back to the Casey apartment that night, they were both so tired they collapsed on the couch and fell asleep. Kyle leaned against Kelly, his head on the man's chest, while Kelly had his arm draped over Kyle. Neither had any idea the moment had been documented until Kelly received the picture from Matt the next day along with the two Gabby had taken before the dance. Those pictures could always bring a smile to his face whenever he need a break from reality.

To be continued...


	22. Guy's Weekend part II

Guy's Weekend part II

"What's up?" Kyle asked looking up at him, coat in hand.

"Hey, buddy, you were amazing. I was really impressed."

"It was okay."

"Just okay? It was more than okay. When do you find out the results?"

"Monday after school. What are we doing now?"

Kelly was amazed at how quickly Kyle changed gears, but then again, he guessed that he had to as the boy jumped from one activity to another all day long. "Well, we'll go back to your place so you can drop off your hockey gear and change your clothes and then decide what the evening will bring. Sound okay?"

"Yep," Kyle replied as he shoved his arms into his coat and headed towards the door.

Kelly shook his head at how nonchalant the kid was about his talent. He nodded his head and gave a small wave to the the busy mom who slung her phone back into her purse and gave a weak and tired smile as she herded her daughter up the aisle.

"Why don't you close your eyes and get a nap on the way home." Kelly suggested.

"I'm not tired," Kyle replied as Kelly's phone chimed.

"It's your dad," he said looking at the text.

"You're driving, you shouldn't be texting and driving," Kyle admonished.

"We're at a red light. Actually we're about fifteen cars deep at a red light and haven't moved in two minutes."

"Good point. What's he say?" Kyle asked of the text.

"He asks how it's going, How your games were and your performance," Kelly said setting the phone down as the cars began to inch forward.

Kyle grabbed the phone. "Can I answer him?"

"Sure."

Kyle typed as only a child can, fingers and thumbs dancing in flashes of words and abbreviations. He smiled and then laughed as he hit send. "What did you write?" Kelly asked as he braked and they waited once again for another cycle of the light. But before Kyle could answer, Kelly took the phone and swiped it to see for himself.

" _ **Kyle was amazing, he scored fifteen goals and then took over for the goalie during the last game. At his competition his performance was spot on and he was given a standing ovation while his classmates bowed down to him. This kid is perfect. I don't know how you got so lucky to have this awesome kid."**_

"Wow. I sure have a way with words."

"You're my biggest fan," Kyle said.

All Kelly could think was how true that last statement was. His phone chimed again, but the light had changed and he once again took his turn to churn up the pavement one inch at a time. Kyle picked it up and his mouth twisted in defeat. "Huh, somehow he knew it was me."

"Go figure."

"He said for me to behave and for you to behave and thanks again for stepping in they're having a great time."

"Good to hear."

 **Finally back at the Casey homestead,** Kelly pulled Kyle's hockey bag out of the trunk and followed Kyle whose head was bent over his phone, toward the door. "Put you're phone away before you get hurt. And take your bag," he said handing it to the boy.

"Fine," Kyle huffed grabbing the bag.

"That thing is almost as big as you are."

"Yeah, soccer is the best, just cleats and shin guards," Kyle said swinging the bag around as they stopped at the apartment door.

Kelly went through his keys and found the right one. Matt and Gabby insisted he keep his key to the apartment after he moved out, because he was always welcome and was still so very involved in their lives, most especially Kyle's.

"So, what are you supposed to do with your hockey gear?" Kelly asked after the boy tossed the bag aside.

"That," Kyle said nodding towards the heap.

"I highly doubt that." And knowing Matt as he did, he highly doubted that his friend and coworker, who liked things neat and organized allowed his son to just toss his stuff aside.

"Fine." Kyle sighed. "I'm supposed to put my jersey, socks and pants in the washer, and hang my pads up and use Febreeze on them."

"Well, then get to it," Kelly said as he crashed to the couch.

Kyle made a face but did as he was told. When he finished he popped back into the living room. "What are we doing now? I'm hungry."

"I am too. I had a fast food breakfast and a big pretzel for lunch at your tournament. I need some real food. Where are spending to night? Here or my place?"

"You're place," Kyle sung out.

"Why my place?"

"Cause it's not here. I need a change of scenery."

"Okay then, my place. Go change your clothes and pack your bag. We'll go out to eat and then my place."

"Hey, you said you'd take me to the zoo lights. They have a maze this year along with the ice sculptures. And we're almost out of time, it's nearly over."

"I did say that didn't I?" Kyle nodded emphatically. "Okay then. Make sure you have warm clothes and we'll do that after we eat." Kyle smiled as he turned to go to his room. "Where are we going to eat?"

"Urban Vegan. It has great food," Kyle called out. "Plus it's not far from here or the zoo."

"Anything I might like?" Kelly asked.

"Asian options. Besides, you need to eat better, you're not getting any younger."

"Oh man, hit me where it hurts."

"Hey, I have to figure out what to eat in nearly every restaurant, tonight is your night to figure it out."

"Okay, but I might need your help."

"You know I got your back," Kyle promised.

"Counting on it kid."

"You've taken me places like this before. It'll be alright. I promise."

Several minutes later Kyle came into the living room, wearing jeans, hiking boots and a University of Chicago sweatshirt, with his backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Ready?" Kelly asked.

"Do I still have a toothbrush at your place?"

"Yes, you do," Kelly assured.

"Then I'm ready," Kyle answered just as there was a knock at the door.

He dropped his bag and opened the door as Kelly drifted into the hallway to see who it was. "Hey BFF," Danny said from the hallway.

"It's sundown already?" Kyle asked.

"The one good thing about winter is I get a lot of Saturday back. Cool sweatshirt," Danny said as he unzipped his coat showing the fighting goat logo. "Look what I have on."

"Nice shirt," Kelly said.

"Kyle gave me it for Hanukkah and I gave him that sweatshirt for Christmas. My dad works at U of C."

"And my dad works at 81."

"Great exchange. Danny right?" Kelly asked. Kelly had taken Danny and Kyle on an outing months before but couldn't always keep track of all Kyle's friends, school friends, teammates and acquaintances straight.

"Yep," Danny confirmed.

"We were just going to go and eat," Kyle said dejectedly. "Hey, can Danny come with us?" Kyle asked turning towards Kelly. "Please."

"Sure. I don't see why not," Kelly said. "You have to ask your parents if it's okay."

Danny sighed. "They probably won't let me."

"Call your dad," Kyle suggested.

"He won't answer. He usually sets his phone in his desk drawer and doesn't look at until Sunday afternoon. Wish me luck," he said as he dialed his mother. Kyle could hear it ring and then a voice answer. "Hey Mom, yeah I made it to Kyle's, yes everything is fine. Can I go out to eat with him? No, his dad isn't here, Kelly is watching him. No, the other firefighter, Mr. Severide that works with Matt—Mr. Casey. He said it was okay. No I didn't invite myself. Please, I hardly see Kyle. Just a second."

Both Kelly and Kyle were listening intently to the one-sided conversation when Danny handed the phone to Kelly. "She wants to talk to you. Sorry."

Kelly winked at the boy as he took the phone. "Good evening," Kelly said as charming and as charismatic as he could. "It's fine, we'd love to have him along with us. No, no, it's no problem at all. No, my treat. I'm sure he will. I will. Bye bye." He handed the phone back to Danny.

"Hello. Yay, thanks. I'll behave. Yes, I'll thank him. Okay, I will. Bye!" Danny said hanging up. "Thank you for the invitation, I'll behave and of course have to keep my phone on and answer it if she calls. But I'm ready to go."

"Well let's go then," Kelly said. "Grab your coat, hat and gloves Kyle."

Kelly locked up behind Kyle and followed the boys to the car. "Whoa cool car. Didn't you have an older one before?" Danny asked.

"Has it been that long since we went to the planetarium?" Kelly asked. No wonder he couldn't immediately recall the kids name.

"He got car jacked," Kyle said. Kelly shot him a look. "What? Nobody told me, but I hear things."

Kelly only hoped that he heard that part of the drama and not the entire story. The kid didn't need to know about how drunk he was and the entire saga of being hauled into the jail on suspicion of driving while impaired and leaving the scene of an accident. He, of course was innocent, but couldn't even remember enough at the time to defend himself.

"This is awesome," Danny said as both the boys climbed into the backseat.

"I feel like a chauffeur," Kelly said looking into the rear-view mirror.

"To the restaurant Jeeves," Kyle said with laughter.

 **The restaurant, like most in Chicago** on a Saturday night was pretty full. Kelly gave his name and they leaned against the wall and waited. He watched the boys look at their phones, sharing with one another and pretty much forgetting Kelly was even there. He internally sighed as he watched "his boy" grow up.

It didn't take as long as they thought to be seated and they all snatched up the menus, their eyes bounced over all of the choices. Kyle seemed to have the most fun. "I can eat all of this stuff," he said excitedly.

"You already knew that," Danny said.

"There's no meat anywhere." Kelly moaned.

"And no heart attack brewing either." Kyle replied.

"Their fake meat is good. My family eats here and it's all good," Danny assured.

"Can I have a smoothie Kelly?" Kyle asked.

"Sure."

"I'll just have water," Danny said at seeing the smoothies were pricey.

"Danny, if you want a smoothie, get a smoothie. It's fine. Really." Kelly said.

"Don't worry about it Danny, he's a lieutenant and doesn't have any kids to spend his money on," Kyle teased.

"Oh really?" Kelly said looking over at Kyle.

Kyle chose a soy pepper steak burger and vegan smoothie. Danny had chicken wrap made of some non-meat product and a strawberry smoothie while Kelly ordered the pad tai. He ended up with a non-alcoholic ginger beer and also got some spring rolls as an appetizer to carry them over until the entree's came out.

"Are you a vegetarian Danny?" Kelly asked after he took a swig of his drink.

"Me? No. I don't have whatever it takes to do that. Commitment, I don't have the commitment. Not like Kyle does. But I do eat Kosher so that means no meat that isn't blessed and that can be hard to come by."

"It's not commitment, it's eating real food. Good food. Compassionate food." Kyle argued.

"Whatever kid," Kelly said winking.

"You'd think you'd be used to it by now," Kyle sighed dramatically.

"Love you like a son," Kelly smiled.

"Love you like a brother," Danny said smiling as well.

"All this love and I don't know what to do with it," Kyle joked.

After they finished ordering, both the boys pulled their phones out and began to stare mindlessly at whatever was bouncing across their screens, leaving Kelly all but abandoned once again. He watched them for a minute and then reached over and grabbed the phone from each prepubescent hand.

"Hey," Kyle protested.

"They're mine until we leave. You two don't see much of each other and your choosing to spend your time together in your own little worlds. Besides I'm a little lonely over here and I'm two feet away. You can Facebook, snap chat and watch Youtube later."

"We're too young for Facebook," Danny said.

"Like that's ever stopped anyone before." Kelly responded.

"True," Kyle admitted. They all stared at each other for a minute. "So now what do we do?"

"Play twenty questions or eye spy or something."

"We're not five," Kyle retorted.

"Then your old enough to figure it out. Here's an idea, we could talk to each other."

Thankfully they didn't have to wait long before their appetizers came and gave them something to do. But they also did talk. They spoke about school, their likes and dislikes, along with the subjects and teachers they hated. They munched on their appetizers and had a several crazy rounds of thumb wrestling before the dinners were served. They dove in and everyone, even Kelly was happy and satisfied.

"This isn't half bad," Kelly said with his mouth full.

"See," Kyle answered with a smile.

They finished up and Kelly paid the tab while the boys returned to their phones, pointing and laughing at whatever the screen provided.

"So, Danny am I to take you home or can you come to the zoo lights with us?" Kelly asked as they walked back to the car.

"Can he, can he?" Kyle asked jumping up and down.

"It's fine with me. But he has to ask his parents."

"I'll try but don't hold your breath."

 _To be continued..._


	23. Guy's Weekend part III

Guy's Weekend part III

They got in the car and shut the door while Kelly turned the car on to warm everybody up. "Put it on speaker," he suggested as he turned around to face the boys in the backseat.

Danny nodded and took a deep breath. He dialed and put the phone to his ear, while he put his finger up to show Kelly he knew what he was doing. "Hey Mom. Everything is fine. Yes I said thank you. It's been fun. No, not yet. I wanted to ask you something. Can I go to the zoo lights with them?" Danny switched the phone to speaker. "I'm going to put you one speaker."

"No don't put me on speaker," she answered just as her voice came through.

"Hi Mrs. Levine. Can Danny come with us please, please, pretty please. We're having so much fun." Kyle sang.

"But it lights Danny." She argued.

"Yeah, just lights. Christmas is over. No Santa. We're going to check out the ice sculptures and light maze and stuff. Come on Mom. I never get to have any fun. And I hardly get to see Kyle that much.

Kelly leaned forward. "They've been great and are really having a good time together."

"You don't mind?" Carolyn Levine asked.

"Not at all," Kelly replied

"But Sammy's coming over in a few minutes."

"I see Sammy all the time. I never ask for much. Please," Danny asked again. "I did great on my exams," he tried.

"Let me talk to Dad."

Kelly and Kyle crossed their fingers as they could hear voices in the background. Finally Carolyn came back to the phone. "Okay, but you be good. And you thank Mr. Severide."

"I will."

Danny hung up and he and Kyle squealed in delight. "To the zoo," Kelly said turning up the heat before pulling out. "So who's Sammy?"

"My cousin," Danny told Kelly. "He's okay, if you don't mind someone spitting out random facts all night long.

"And don't forget asking stupid questions," Kyle reminded.

"Yeah, last week he asked me if I knew whether or not penguins had knees. When I said I didn't know, he asked me about ostriches and eagles, like that's common knowledge."

After a long search, Kelly finally found a spot to tuck the Mustang. No sooner was he parked when the boys took off and he had to whistle to get them to stop and wait up for him. "Hey, let's get some ground rules here. First of all, none of this taking off. You both stay with me. Got it? Kyle? Danny?" The boys nodded. "Okay then, let's walk nicely and zip up your coats."

The boys did their best to maintain some sort of restraint as they went from one display to the next, but it took everything that Kelly had to keep up with them. But he did enjoy watching their reaction as they pointed ooh and awed at something that wasn't on the screen of their phone.

They checked out several of the ice sculptures and there was an artist giving a demonstration at one, explaining as he carved. "I need a volunteer to help me out. How about you?" He said pointing to Kyle who turned back and looked at Kelly.

"Go ahead bud," he said smiling.

Kyle stepped over to the artist and listened to the instructions he was being given.

"I'm so glad you could join us. I was kind of surprised your parents let you come." Kelly told Danny.

"It's only because Kyle asked. My mom can never tell him no."

"Yeah, I often have the same problem." Kelly admitted.

While Kelly and Danny stood back and watched the action, Danny blurted out, "I'm so glad he has you in his life. You're really special to him."

Kelly was taken somewhat aback. "I could say the same about you. What made you say that?"

"I worry about him. He takes on so much and then pretends he can handle it, but sometimes I don't think he can."

"What do you mean by that? Takes on so much...like all of his activities?"

"No. I think he takes those on so he can forget about everything else." Danny took a breath. "Just look at the past few months. First he almost loses you and his father in that factory fire, that took so much out of him. He still struggles with the events of that day. He won't show it or say it, but he does. Then he tries to help Ben. I mean he had helped for awhile, but Ben dies, despite Kyle's best efforts and Kyle is the one to find him. Then the whole thing with Hannah that went sideways. I still think he feels like he could have done something differently. Then the disastrous party where he wasn't even sure what his role was, but he had one. He puts himself in the middle of everything and sometimes he gets hurt by it. Kind of like you I guess."

"But that's part of my job," Kelly countered.

"And I think for whatever reason, Kyle thinks it's his job to—to do whatever it is he does. You know how we met don't you? He stepped in when I was being picked on. I saw him heading my way and I figured he was going to join in on the torment, especially when he jumped up and grabbed my yarmulke. But he yelled at the bullies and gave it back to me. He couldn't stand to just walk by. Just like you. Just like Matt. Don't feel bad, it's not your fault. You're being who you are and he's just being who he is. But sometimes I'm afraid it's too much."

Back near the sculpture the artist asked Kyle to put his finger in a certain spot and when Kyle did he placed the chisel right near the digit and slammed the chisel home and a small piece fell off next to Kyle's boots. "Thank my brave helper, who in the face of danger didn't flinch."

The small crowd that had gathered clapped, the sound muffled by their gloves and mittens.

"Did you see me?" Kyle asked as he returned.

"Sure did. You were brave. I'm not sure I would have trusted him," Kelly joked. But seeing Danny's point. Kyle rarely flinched. "Okay, let's find the maze."

They finally got to their final fun of the night. The light maze. "Okay troops, listen to the rules. You don't run, we all stay together, you keep your phone on. If we get separated you better pull that phone out and be prepared to use it. Danny, text me," Kelly said giving him his phone number. Danny did as he was told and Kelly saved the number. "Now we can be connected if needed," he said giving Danny a meaningful look from their earlier conversation. "Let's go."

The trio trooped in and began to make their way around making left turns, right turns and wrong turns. People passed them and some circled back and a few seemed to have a little too much to drink. The boys charged ahead a few times and Kelly had to reel them back. But the final time they disappeared from view while Kelly had to stop and tie his shoe he heard a disturbance around the corner. He hurried towards the sound and saw Kyle helping Danny up.

"Hey, watch where you're going," Kyle yelled out.

"Watch where you're going little boy," a large man wearing a Blackhawks jersey and Bears knit hat on said.

"What's going on?" Kelly asked.

"He came running around the corner. The signs say no running." Kyle stated. "He slammed into Danny. He didn't even apologize."

"The kids were right in the middle. Not my fault."

"They're kids, they're in the middle of a maze, there is no wrong place to stand. You him an apology."

"Hey your kid, yelled at me."

"Seriously?" Kelly answered. "Man up dude. You knocked a kid down. You are running through a maze full of blind spots and families and your mad because my kid yelled at you. You're a class act. Come on boys let's go."

That went around a corner and found one of the emergency exits that were put in place in case people needed or just wanted to get out of the maze. "Are you okay Danny?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Thanks."

"K.J. you alright?"

"Yeah, he was a jerk. Can we just leave?"

"Sure. I'm getting cold anyway."

They walked quietly to the car and Kelly let the car sit for a minute as it warmed up. "I'm sorry guys. I hate that the night had to end like that."

"It's okay," Danny said. "I had a great time anyway."

"Hey. I have an idea on how we can end the night with a smile," Kyle suggested.

"How?" Danny asked.

"Molly's. Kelly, let's take him to Molly's. He's never been there."

"That's because it's a bar. He can't be there. The only reason you can is because Gabby is part owner."

"I can't touch any alcohol though," Kyle told Danny.

"I'm sorry pal, but the answer is no. I am not taking Danny into a bar."

"Please. Just for a few minutes so he can see it?" Kyle begged.

"No. Absolutely not!" Kelly replied.

"Pretty please," Kyle repeated.

 _ **Twenty minutes later.**_

"Hey Severide. Kid Casey, who's your friend?" Herrmann greeted.

"Hey Herrmann, this is my best friend Danny."

"Well hello Danny," Chris said. "You guys out clubbing?"

"Not quite," Kelly said dryly. "We just stopped by for a second."

"Well then, how about a couple of Shirley Temples for these two customers. You want a beer?" He asked Kelly.

"No, not while I've got these two."

"Good man," Herrmann said. "Three Shirley Temples coming up.

Kelly rolled his eyes as he spotted Jay Halstead several bar stools down. He made his way over and sat down next the officer. "Hey Jay. How's it going?"

"Hey Severide. Babysitting or bar hopping?" He chuckled.

Herrmann came down with the drink. "Here you go man. That boy has you wrapped around his little finger."

"Tell me about it," Kelly replied.

Halstead smiled. "Isn't that Matt Casey's kid?"

"Yep. We call him my love child," Kelly laughed.

"They say it takes a village."

"And some. I'm exhausted."

Back at the other end of the bar, Christopher handed the boys their drinks, complete with cherries and little umbrellas. "Here ya go fella's."

"They're pink," Kyle said.

"That's the special ingredient."

"Oh, okay." They giggled.

"Drink up boys," he told him as he headed the other direction to take care of another customer.

They both sipped their drinks. "Sweet," Danny said.

"Too sweet," Kyle said as his face scrunched up as he rolled the little pink umbrella with his fingers.

"Hey. I noticed that when that guy called you Kelly's kid neither one of you corrected him."

"It happens a lot when we're together. It's a natural assumption. It's just easier to let it go. Nothing against my dad or anything."

Danny smiled. "Sometimes—sometimes—never mind."

"No. Sometimes what? It's okay man, I'm your safe space."

"It's just that sometimes I wish your dad was my dad. It's stupid I know. But he's young and has this exciting job. I mean he's so cool. My dad is an old college professor." Kyle laughed. "See I knew you'd make fun of me." Danny said.

"I'm not making fun of you. Seriously, I'm not. Earlier this year, I told Kelly that sometimes I wished _**he**_ was my dad. Of course it was right after my dad chewed me out for running down to the pier without him knowing about it. But see, I wasn't laughing at you, I laughed because I had the same thought with a different person.

"I wish my dad was a college professor. Exciting jobs aren't all they're cracked up to be."

"Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean—"

"It's okay. I get it."

"Who wants my umbrella?" Kelly asked as he walked back to his charges.

"My sister would love it." Danny said.

"Then it's hers," he said as he handed off the umbrella and guzzled down the ginger ale mixture. "Let's get going guys. Danny needs to get home."

"Okay. But I have to use the bathroom first," Kyle said as he slid off the stool. He headed towards the restroom and stopped to say hi to Jay Halstead who he recognized from when the two agencies interacted as well as crossing paths at Molly's occasionally.

"Hey Jay."

"Hey back. You're not driving are you?"

"Not tonight. I made sure to have a designated driver."

"Good job."

Kyle continued on his way while Danny and Kelly waited. "Kelly, you called Kyle K.J. back at the maze. I've never heard anybody else call him that."

"Yeah, it's kind of just between us. When he was little, around three or so, he had a favorite book that I had bought him. It was about four or five rabbits whose name were A.J., B.J., C.J. etc so I said if he was one of the bunnies he would be K.J. for Kyle James. He thought it was hilarious so it was kind of like a private joke for a while. But somewhere along the line it became something different. Now I tend to use it in times like tonight."

"It's a good thing—to have something private like that. Something special."

"Yeah," Kelly agreed as Kyle began to head back their way.

As Kelly followed Danny's directions to get him back home, he looked into the rear-view mirror. "It might be a good idea if we leave out the part where we stopped at Molly's."

"I think that's a great idea," Danny agreed. "Everybody needs a secret once in awhile."

"Yeah, somehow I don't see your parent's being too happy about you in a bar—even just for a few minutes." Kyle concurred. "Our secret! Pinky swear." He said sticking his pinky out meeting Danny's for the official swearing of the secret.

Kelly pulled into a vacant slot near Danny's apartment and got out of the car and followed the boys as they headed towards the apartment building. "We're good," Kyle told Kelly.

"What? I can't introduce myself?" Kelly said continuing to walk towards the door as Kyle shrugged. He watched the boys playfully shove each other and goof around the entire thirty feet to the door and once inside do the same thing for the remaining few feet. Kelly couldn't help but wonder if he and Matt would have been the same way if had they had met as children.

Suddenly Kyle stopped and felt his earlobe to find it empty.

"You didn't wear one tonight," Danny said.

"You're right. I don't think you're parents would be too thrilled with the pierced ear.

"It would probably mystify them, but they'd still love you. I still can't believe your dad let you keep it."

"He wasn't going to, but then that whole Hannah thing happened and it kind of got lost in the shuffle. But now every time I put an earring in I think of her," he said as his fingers pinched the hole in his lobe.

Both Kelly and Danny gave him sympathetic looks as Danny fished his key out of his pocket and unlocked the door. "I'm home," he called out as he walked inside with Kyle and Kelly right behind him.

"The prodigal son returns," Jacob Levine stated as the house phone rang.

"Did you have a good time?" Carolyn asked as she walked their way trailed by nine-year-old Rachel.

"I had a fantastic time," Danny crooned. "We had sooooo much fun. Thank you for letting me go with them."

"You're welcome. Is this the Mr. Severide that put up with you all night?" 

"Yes I am. Kelly Severide," he said sticking his hand out. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you. I do hope Danny was good."

"He was great. The boys had a fun time."

"It's nice that they had this time together. It is so hard for them to see much of each other. Danny is busy with school, Hebrew school, homework and science club. And Kyle—what doesn't Kyle participate in? It was nice they could have tonight. They are pretty close."

"Yes, I could see that. A friendship like this is one to treasure." Kelly agreed.

"Hi Kyle," Rachel said quietly from where she was standing behind her mother. She tugged on her mother's dress and when Carolyn bent down the girl whispered in her ear. "Kyle, Rachel would like to show you something that she made. It's in the dining room."

Kyle shrugged and followed them, leaving Danny and Kelly behind as Mr. Levine had retreated with the phone to the far corner of the room. "You have my number now," Kelly said. "If you need it don't hesitate to use it."

"For Kyle?"

"For Kyle, for you."

Danny smiled. "Okay."

In the dining room Kyle stood there while Carolyn and Rachel went to the China cabinet and came back with a woven bracelet. It was red with strings of black running through it. Carolyn handed it to Rachel who in turn handed it to Kyle.

"For me?"

Rachel nodded. Her stomach would get full of butterflies whenever she was around Kyle and she found that she could hardly talk. But with her mother nudging her she cleared her throat. "I made it for you. I used red for the fire department."

"You made this?" Kyle asked. "It's great. You did an amazing job."

Rachel blushed. "I had to make a few to get good at it before one came out that looked like that."

"This one is perfect," Kyle replied making Rachel blush even more. "Tie it on me," he requested pulling up his sleeve.

"Really?" Rachel asked.

"Yes, really," Kyle stated as Carolyn wrapped the bracelet around his wrist and took the ends and tied them together.

"You're sure?" She asked.

"Sure am."

Carolyn finished tying the ends and then grabbed some scissors and cut the extra string off from the ends.

"Perfect," Kyle said as he looked at his new adornment. Thank you Rachel." He stepped over and gave her a hug and Rachel looked as if she might vomit, faint and melt all at the same time.

"Look what I got," Kyle announced as he came back into the living room to see Kelly and Danny finishing up a conversation.

"Where'd you get that?" Danny asked.

"Your sister made it for me. It's red for the CFD."

"Very cool," Kelly commented as he looked at it.

"I can make one for you too," Rachel said shyly.

"I'd love that," Kelly said as he squatted down to her level.

"You better not steal my crush," Kyle whispered as Kelly stood back up causing Kelly to smile.

Jacob got off the phone and came over and shook Kelly's hand. "Thank you so much for entertaining Danny tonight. Can we reimburse you for the evening?"

"No, my treat. The boys had a great time and it was fun for me too. He's a great kid."

"Yes he is. Kyle is a good boy too. I wish they could be together more, but life is so busy these days—nonstop it seems. But I am glad these boys have found each other, friendship like theirs if hard to find."

"That is true," Kelly said. "Well, thank you Danny for hanging out with us. Maybe we can do it again."

"Yes, yes, yes. That'd be so great!"

"We'll make it happen then," Kelly promised. "Let's go Kyle, I need a nap."

"Okay," Kyle said. He then turned towards Danny and the two did some kind of fancy, secret handshake.

To be continued...


	24. Guy's Weekend part IV

Guy's Weekend part IV

Back in the car Kyle got in up front and slid the seat way back as Kelly had previously moved it forward when the boys had been in the backseat. "You should really be in the back." Kelly reminded.

"But then you feel like a chauffeur. I have the seat back as far as it will go." Kyle said as he buckled up. "The air bag can't reach me here. Besides you're a good driver."

Kyle fell asleep about five minutes from Kelly's apartment. "Figures," Kelly whispered as Kyle's head bobbed. When he parked he went to the trunk and grabbed Kyle's bag and came back around and opened the door and was ready to grab Kyle as he fell forward but the cold air woke him up.

"Are we home?" He asked.

"Yep. Glad you're up, now I don't have to carry you."

Kyle unbuckled and climbed out of the car. "Bummer," he said as he shut the door behind him and heard Kelly engage the locks. The next thing he knew Kelly swept him up in his arms as if he weighed nothing and started towards the building.

Kyle laughed. "You can put me down."

"Oh no, you want to be carried, you'll be carried." What Kelly didn't say it was because it wouldn't be long before this would only be a memory. Kyle was growing up as all kids did and it was the little things that would be missed the most.

Once inside Kelly set Kyle down next to the door and unlocked it. "Is Stella around?" Kyle asked as Kelly tossed the bag on the floor.

"Doesn't look like it," Kelly answered as he turned on the light. "She said she is going to start looking for her own place."

"Why?" Kyle asked as he pulled his hat off and unzipped his coat.

"I'm not really sure," he responded. "Because it's time I guess."

"Say's who?"

"I'm not really sure about that either."

"You guys are like sixth graders and believe me I'm an expert." Kelly looked confused. "You don't tell the other person your real feelings." Kyle took a breath and then changed his voice in a mocking way. "Does he like me? I mean like me like me? Or like me, like me?" Kelly chuckled while Kyle continued. "Then the boy, who does like her, like her, claims he doesn't and proceeds to pick on her to show her that he in fact does like her but for whatever reason won't show it. Just tell her that you like her."

"Like her, like her?" Kelly joked.

"Only if you do. It was the same thing with my dad and Gabby. God that drove me crazy. She liked him as long as I could remember and when he and my mom broke up and they tested the waters, I was like—finally. But then the whole thing shifted and pushed it all back and they went through the game so many more times. It's exhausting."

"You know what's exhausting?" Kelly asked.

"What?"

"You." He said as he crashed on the couch.

"Can I have a snack?"

"Aren't you tired?"

"I was, but then I had that nap so I'm good to go."

"Great," Kelly said with a sigh. "You can have whatever you can find."

"Peanut butter," Kyle sang out as he went through the cabinets. "And crackers."

Kyle got a glass of water and his snack and sat down on the couch beside Kelly. They discussed the night and their favorite things that they saw and did. Kelly discussed Kyle's singing efforts and how impressed he was and by the time they ran out of words it was 10:30.

"Oooh, time for Saturday Night Live," Kyle said.

"I don't think so kiddo. Time for bed."

"No," Kyle said stamping his foot down.

"Did you just tell me no?" Kelly asked, his face showing the seriousness that was in his voice. He didn't often have to discipline Kyle, but didn't hesitate if it was called for.

Kyle back peddled a bit. "It's not that late."

"Not late? It's 10:30, you've been going all day and were up early. It's time for bed."

"You have somebody coming over don't you? That's why you want me out of the way. You have a date."

Kelly shook his head. "I do not have a date. It is time for bed, now move it!" He said pointing towards the far end of the loft where the bedrooms were.

Kyle sighed but went over to grab his bag that was by the door when there was a knock. Kyle looked over at Kelly and raised his eyebrows. "No date huh?"

Kelly began to walk towards the door when Kyle opened it. "Oh hello there," a woman said, her voice hitched with confusion. "Um, his Kelly Severide here?"

"Hi." Kelly said stepping up next to Kyle.

"Hey, we met the other day and umm—"

"Kyle, bed now." Kelly ordered.

"Fine. Whatever." He said as he swung his bag over his shoulder and stomped off. He stomped his foot with each step he took but then stopped at the doorway to the bedroom where he could still hear the conversation.

"I didn't know you had your son this weekend. I didn't know you even had a son. It was just that I was in the area and I thought I'd stop by. But I can see this isn't a good time."

"No, it's not."

"Maybe another time then."

"Sure," Kelly said as he went to shut the door behind the woman.

"He looks just like you," she said. Kelly looked confused. "Your son. He looks just like you. The same twinkle in those blue eyes." She then turned and left.

Kelly looked over to see Kyle standing there. "Go!" he ordered again causing the boy to scamper the rest of the way into the bedroom. He went back to the living room area and picked up the debris that Kyle had left behind. He picked up his cup and plate that was left with just crumbs and a crumpled up napkin. He set them in the kitchen and thew the napkin away. His phone, that he had left on the counter chirped and he picked it up to see a message from Danny.

" _ **thank you for a great night. I had a fun time."**_

" _ **I'm glad that you could come along and had a good time"**_ Kelly answered

" _ **please keep an eye on our boy"**_

" _ **Why do you say that?"**_

" _ **Just a feeling. Good night"**_

Kelly signed off and set his phone back down wondering what Danny meant by his statement. He looked over at the strip of pictures that hung on the refrigerator door. They were kind taken in the booths that used to be so popular but were hard to find these days. Usually touristy places like the Navy Pier had one and every year Kelly and Kyle had their pictures taken together. The most recent was front and center, held firmly by a plain black magnet. The rest were tucked away, dating all the way back to when Kyle was two years old.

In the bedroom Kyle had changed into his sleep pants and t-shirt and went into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet to find his toothbrush sitting next to Kelly's and Stella's in the cup. When Kelly had rented this apartment it was with Kyle in mind. He made sure the second bedroom was equipped with a bed and small dresser. But with Stella moving in, she had kind of taken over that bedroom and displaced Kyle. He didn't seem to mind—too much.

"About ready?" Kelly asked as he peeked into the bathroom.

"Yep, just finishing up."

"Okay, meet you in my room then."

Kyle nodded as he finished brushing and put his toothbrush back. He scooped up some water in his hand and slurped it down. He grabbed his phone and saw that his father had texted him goodnight.

" ** _goodnight buddy. I hope you had a great day!"_**

" _ **I did. We had fun. Danny got to come with us tonight"**_

" _ **Great. I love you and be good for Kelly"**_

" _ **Love you too. Night"**_

"I'll take that," Kelly said grabbing the phone again. Kyle protested—again. "You are not going to stay up and play on your phone all night. Besides it needs to charge."

"Then I wouldn't be able to play with it all night." Kyle retorted.

"Don't be a smart ass."

"My dad texted me goodnight."

"Good. I'm glad he did."

"I can take the couch so you can have your bed," Kyle offered.

Not knowing if or when Stella might appear, Kelly didn't want Kyle to be in the middle of the living room if/when she did come home. "Nope, you're staying right here. Do you want me to sit with you until you fall asleep?"

"Okay," Kyle agreed quietly snuggling under the covers as Kelly pulled them up. The boy closed his eyes and seemed to be drifting away already, despite his earlier argument that he wasn't tired. "Kelly?"

"Yeah bud."

"I love you."

But before Kelly could even respond, Kyle was already asleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and just watched his even breathing. Kids always seem to gravitate to Kelly; his calm, easy-going demeanor just made it easy for them to connect. Kelly had always had a soft spot for kids and loved being their champion while on the job. He loved their innocence and promise of tomorrow. But this kid, sleeping before him—Herrmann was right, this kid had him so wrapped around his finger there may be no possibility of disentanglement. As he sat and watched he knew nights like this were numbered. Kyle was growing up and doing so very quickly. He would soon choose friends over adults and the words of love would not slip from his lips so easily. It was normal, growing, changing, letting go, but it was still heartbreaking all the same.

Kelly had fears in life just like most people. He worried about sustaining a career ending injury, not finding the love of his life, never becoming a father. But his biggest fear was losing Kyle in one form or another. He hadn't been joking when he had said he loved Kyle like a son in the restaurant, and he doubted that Danny had been joking about the brotherly love either. The two boys seemed to have a true bond that he hoped would carry them into adulthood.

If Matt had ever felt threatened by Kelly's relationship with Kyle he had never showed it. Matt's love for Kyle meant that he wanted his son loved and supported by anyone he felt was worthy. He had seen the bonding start early and when Hallie died Matt didn't hesitate to ask Kelly if he was prepared to truly fill the responsibility of being a godfather if anything ever happened to Matt. At his request Kelly took several days to think about it, but the answer had always been yes.

Of course Matt knew there was a strong possibility that they could perish together and that was the biggest fear in both their lives—that they would both die at the same time. In fact it very nearly came true only a few months ago, so of course Matt had his sister Christie as next in line if Kelly couldn't fulfill the duties. But Kelly could see the relief in Matt's eyes that, should the unthinkable happen, and Matt should die, Kyle would be cared for by someone who truly loved him and had a nearly unbreakable bond. Someone who could help his son cope with the loss. On the rare occasion that Kelly took a shift off, Matt was relieved as it would be a day that both would not die together. As far as he knew, despite the marriage to Gabby, Kelly still held the top spot and for that reason, he used a bit more caution, looked around more often, and realized his life wasn't entirely his own. But he refused to ever let it change the firefighter he had prided himself on being.

Kelly finally got up and went back to living room with sheets, pillow and a blanket. He arranged them and then went into the kitchen to get a drink. He opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, but then changed his mind and put the beer back. He went over to the cabinet and grabbed a small glass and put two ice cubes in it and grabbed something a bit harder to help chase his busy day away. He went back to the couch and sat down and turned the TV on and watched as his eyes got heavy and eventually closed for good. Hours later he snapped awake as the door opened to reveal an inebriated Stella staggering through the door. He got up and she fell into his arms. Words were exchanged and she moved to kiss him, saying she was ready—though for what he wasn't entirely sure. He told her not like this, this wasn't the way. If there ever was a future it's first step shouldn't be like this. He steered her over to the couch and eased her down. He had no desire to attempt to steer her to the bedroom. He then went and got the trash can and put it next to the couch. "Just in case," he whispered.

He locked up and headed for the spare bedroom only to see Kyle standing at the bedroom door. The boy turned and took off when he saw Kelly but it was too late. "I see you and you are so busted!" Kelly said yelling in a way, that was both stern yet quiet.

Kelly chased Kyle back into the bed and he was just jumping back in when Kelly caught up with him. "What is your deal? You shouldn't be eavesdropping. You know better than that!"

"Sorry," Kyle whispered. "But I stick to my earlier story. You guys need to talk."

"Well, when we think we are ready, we will. You stay out of it. Now go to sleep and stay in bed."

"Okay. Um Kelly." 

"What?" Kelly asked exasperated.

"I have to pee."

"Go," he said, stepping out of the way.

Kyle ran past him, did his business and ran back. "I think I know why your father is so damn tired. Now stay in bed. And do not get out of it until after 8:00, understood?"

Kyle nodded and pulled the covers up and closed his eyes as Kelly shook his head and went to the second bedroom to sleep.


	25. Guy's Weekend part V

**Guy's Weekend part V**

 **Kyle was eating his oatmeal when Stella began to stir.** He got up and poured a big glass of orange juice and took it over to her.

"Oh, thanks," she said taking the glass as she sat up. She looked down, hoping she was decent.

"You're dressed, don't worry," Kyle assured her.

"Wow, so I'm the worst role model ever."

"Why do you say that?" Stella gave him a you-know-what-I-mean look. "I figured you liked the couch. I didn't hear you come home last night."

"Hmmm," she said skeptically.

"This is your house, you're an adult, it's all good. Drink your juice, you're dehydrated."

"And you know this how?" She asked taking a sip.

"My dad makes everyone think he's an angel, but he's not. You pick up things if you pay attention. Like how much water he drinks after a night out," Kyle said with a smile.

Standing just inside the bedroom door Kelly smiled at Kyle's gentleness with Stella in trying not making her feel awkward. Not to mention his secret about Matt. He recalled his talk with Kyle last night and wondered if having the boy in his life had held his love life back at all. But the more he thought about it the more he realized it hadn't. In fact Kyle never seemed to act jealous, and like last night, encouraged him to find love. The only time he saw him balk was when he had decided to move to Spain with Renee.

"Good morning guys," Kelly said as he arrived in the living room area. "How do you feel?"

"Alive. What time is it?"

"9:00. I didn't get up too early, just like you told me." Kyle boasted.

"You did great kiddo. What are you eating?"

"Oatmeal. It's all you had. Thanks for having the almond milk."

"No problem. What do you have to do today?"

"Rehearsal for the Saint Patrick's Day fling. But that's not until 1:00."

"Who is that with?"

"The guys that I was with on the pier."

"When you weren't supposed to be there?"

"Yep. That's them. But now that Dad knows about it and realized that the group had no idea that I was sneaking around and are quite responsible, I get to sing with them. He called them and got the schedule and set the ground rules so they're on the same page."

Kelly marveled at all of Matt's responsibilities. Between his two jobs, he had to keep track of Kyle's schedule, arrange rides, ensure he had everything he needed for sports, for home, for school. It exhausted him just to think about it. He had no idea how the man managed when he had added alderman to his list of duties.

"Okay, 1:00, that's not too bad. We can chill this morning."

"I'm going to take a shower and a nap." Stella said as she stretched.

"I'll make coffee," Kelly said already filling up the pot with water.

 **While Stella napped the boys** lounged around watching mindless television and not talking about anything important. They finally took their turns in the shower and eventually left for Kyle's rehearsal.

Kelly settled into a seat and texted Stella to see how she was feeling. Kyle was right, there was a thread of something beyond friendship swirling around, but so far neither had grasped it or made much of an attempt to gather it up.

Watching Kyle on stage was like watching someone putting on their very favorite jeans, that not only looked great, but felt so comfortable. He was having a great time, and the fun he spoke of that one day during their walk outside of the firehouse was shining through. It was clear he was totally in his element.

Kelly had no idea where all of Kyle's energy came from as the kid didn't sleep all that long the night before, but here he was running up the aisle begging to go to Millennium Park. "Please, please. It's not that cold out."

A half hour later, all zipped up, with hats pulled down over their ears and hands shoved into gloves they were making faces at Cloud gate or more commonly known as the Bean , watching their distorted reflections. They finally stepped away, allowing some tourists a turn.

"I came here that night," Kyle confided. "That night I was out."

"How come?"

"I like it here. I have this great memory with my mother and a magic show. It's one of the few things I have left of her."

"You were so young when you lost her."

"I lost her before that, we just didn't know it yet. She was married and a mother to her job. It's okay, I wasn't planned, I get it, not every woman has that maternal instinct."

"She loved you. I know she did. I saw it myself."

"I don't doubt it. But her priorities were elsewhere. So I cling to the few memories that I have where she had made me feel special, important." Before Kelly could respond, Kyle started walking. "Come on old man, keep up."

"Old man?" Kelly said as he started to chase Kyle who had begun to run.

After walking around and playing hide and seek around the figures at the Boeing galleries they headed back to the car, cold and winded. It took Kyle all of one minute to complain that he was hungry.

"Didn't you eat earlier today?"

"Yeah at 9:00 this morning. Well I did have a peanut butter sandwich before we left."

"Well, I'm hungry too. Any ideas?"

"Veggie Grill, it's not far from home, cafeteria style and has my favorites and meat for you."

"Then what are we waiting for?"

After a good meal, they were finally back at Kyle's apartment. "Even though it was only twenty-four hours ago, that we were here, it feels like a life time." Kelly said.

"When is my dad coming home?"

Kelly looked at the clock that showed was after five. "Pretty soon. Gabby will be with him too."

"Huh?"

"You asked about when your dad was coming home, Gabby is coming home too."

"I know."

"Problems?" Kelly asked, his eyebrows raising.

"No, she's cool. She makes him happy, and that's a good thing."

"Does she make you happy?"

"Yeah. It's complicated though. But I love her."

"I know that she loves you."

"Let's play hide and seek," Kyle suddenly shouted not wanting to get trapped into a conversation about his feelings for Gabby. "You're it."

"But we already played that at the park," Kelly protested not wanting to get up off the couch.

"Yeah, but you can't really hide behind those things—it was more like an advanced version of peek-a-boo. Start counting."

Kelly indulged his godson and began to count. Two minutes later he saw movement behind him as Kyle slipped out from behind his bedroom door and made a break for home base also known as the couch. Kelly caught up with him three feet from the prize and lifted him high up in the air and tossed him on the couch. "Got ya," he teased.

"I was so close."

"Yes you were. What's that?" Kelly asked as he heard a key in the lock and the door swinging open.

"Hey guys," Matt said as he set two bags down next to the couch.

Kyle, who was standing on the sofa, bounced up and right into his father's arms. "Daddy, did you miss me?"

"Of course I did. Were you good for Kelly?"

"Of course I was," he replied.

"Gabby has something for you." Matt said, setting his son down.

"Check these out," she said appearing in the room. "We thought of you when we saw these." She pulled out three arrowheads from a bag in her purse.

"Are they real?"

"They are. They were found on the land where we stayed. See how they're all a little bit different?"

"Because they were hand made?"

"That's right."

Kyle put his finger on the points. "They don't feel very sharp. Did they have to be sharper to kill someone?"

"Maybe?" Gabby answered. "They probably were sharper before they used them."

"Don't sharpen them," Matt warned.

"Darn," Kyle said.

"Glad you're back. I'm tapping out dude. This kid is a tornado of energy. He goes and goes and then is totally shut down. He's like a puppy, on and then off."

Matt laughed. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

"He should sleep well tonight. And so will I."

"Well, I am grateful for that. Thank you so much for stepping up and taking him. We had a great time. We really needed the time away. I hope he behaved for you."

"He was great. I'll fill you in tomorrow at work. Hey, little dude, I'm taking off," Kelly announced as he moved towards the door where he left his coat. "I'll see you later."

"Wait," Kyle said as he ran to catch up. "Look at what I got," he said showing off his new souvenirs.

"Those are great."

"Which one is your favorite?"

"I don't know. That one has a little bit of color to it." He said pointing to the middle one in Kyle's hand.

"It's yours," Kyle said handing it to Kelly.

"No, these are for you."

"They were given to me as a gift and that means I can do whatever I want with it. And I want to give it to you."

Behind Kyle both Matt and Gabby gave looks just short of astonishment at Kyle's generosity.

"Well, if you change your mind and want it back, just let me know."

"Okay. Bye Kelly. Thanks for all everything. I had a lot of fun!"

"Me too kid. See ya later."

"Well, I'm going to take a hot shower and put my comfy jammies on." Gabby announced. "I can't believe I have to work tomorrow. Those two days flew by."

As Gabby headed towards the bedroom and then the bathroom, Matt pulled Kyle over to the couch where they both sat down. "So tell me all about your weekend."

"Well, I scored a goal in the second game in my tournament—five hole. I got a pass from Jack on the point..."

Matt just sat and listened to his son go over his weekend piece by piece and like Kelly knew these conversations, these moments were fleeting and he was going to enjoy every last second of them before they completely slipped away.

 _There may be a delay in the coming weeks as I'm putting together quite an adventure for Kyle and I want to make sure it comes out right. I am doing my best to keep on track, but if I don't post in the next couple of weeks don't give up on me._


	26. Blood On My Name

**Blood On My Name**

"Never mind officer, he just walked in the door," Matt said into his phone before he disconnected. "Where the hell have you been? It's one o'clock in the morning." Matt demanded to know as he crossed his arms and stared at his son.

"I needed to get some air," Kyle replied as he hung up his coat.

"You needed some air—in the middle of the night, you needed some air?" Matt questioned.

"Yes. I felt claustrophobic, needed to get outside."

Matt's face twisted into something unreadable. He slammed his phone down on the nearby table and turned to look back at his son. Kyle's behavior had been simply awful lately. At first he had been quiet, secretive, but then it had blossomed into defiance and hostility. Matt tried to get him to talk, but to no avail. Gabby, Chief Boden and Kelly all tried to get him to open up about what was bothering him but he wouldn't open up. Now he was disappearing in the middle the night with the weakest of all lies and Matt was about to explode.

"Well, since you feel so claustrophobic and need to leave the house in the middle of the night, I guess I should help you out," Matt stated as he went and grabbed his toolbox from the closet. "Sit on the couch and you had better not move."

Kyle moved towards the couch and sat down. He inhaled deeply and did his damnedest not to cry. He wanted nothing more than to let loose with what happened over the last few weeks, but he just couldn't—not yet anyway. He just needed a little more time, then he would tell his dad everything.

"What is going on? What are you doing?" Gabby asked Matt as she came out of the master bedroom, rubbing her eyes.

"Rethinking my position on corporal punishment. And taking Kyle's bedroom door off."

"Why?"

"Ask him," Matt said as he nodded towards the living room.

Gabby walked into the other room to find Kyle sitting on the couch staring straight ahead. She put her hand on his cheek and felt the winter chill still clinging to him. "You're freezing. Let me get you some hot chocolate."

Matt having finished taking the boy's door off of its hinges leaned it against the wall at the end of the hall. "No, he doesn't get hot chocolate, hot tea or hot milk. He gets to go to bed so he's prepared to talk in the morning."

"What happened?" She asked,

"He decided he needed some air. In the middle of the night, in the middle of winter. And by the way I know you took your bike."

"I never said I didn't. I just said I needed some air."

"And you couldn't get that by walking?"

"Tired of looking at our neighborhood," Kyle responded, still staring straight ahead.

"Go to bed." Matt ordered. Kyle stood up and went into his room and looked back at the open doorway. "You'll have to earn it back." Matt stated.

Matt put his toolbox away and he and Gabby disappeared back into their room. "Why didn't you wake me up?" Gabby asked.

"Didn't take two people to call the police. I would have gotten you if he was gone much longer."

"Or is it because I have no business in knowing," Gabby snapped back.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"He's your son and you don't have to remind of that every day. I see it for myself. His blue eyes, his light brown hair, the fact that he is your mini-me through and through."

"What are you talking about?"

"You take the lead on everything, especially playing disciplinarian. You didn't wake me up or bother to ask me my opinion about taking his door off its hinges. No, you just yell not to give him anything to warm him up. I agree that he shouldn't have been outside, but maybe talking to him instead of snapping at him, might get you more answers."

"I've been talking to him and he has told me nothing. It was time for different measures."

"Because you decided it."

"Yes, because I decided it. Look, I'm sorry if you don't always agree on my actions and methods, but I know him and typically the discipline falls on the father. I didn't mean to exclude you, I figured that you would agree or at the least not want to be the bad guy."

"Because I'm the step-mother?"

"Well, yeah."

Gabby sighed. "I just want to be a part in raising him."

"And you are," Matt said.

"Am I? I mean-" she began before her voice drifted off.

"What? Did he say something to you?"

"No. Nothing, you haven't heard. But I know that you still have Kelly as primary custodian if something happens to you. I'm not trying to say that he shouldn't be, it's just that...I don't know what I thought...I guess that you might talk about changing it."

Now it was Matt's turn to sigh. "It's just that he's always been so close to Kelly. They're tightly bonded."

"I know and the choice makes sense. But I guess that I just feel kind of left out. Did you know that last month, before he started all this preteen angst, he actually called me mom?"

"He did?"

"Yeah, we were in a store and he was looking at something and just turned and said hey Mom, is this a good brand?"

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. I tried to act cool, but I have no doubt I looked like a total dork. It didn't help that some woman passing by took note of our skin tones and looked at us like we were from another planet."

"Screw her. Did Kyle say anything else or act differently?"

"No, he didn't act like it was an accidental slip of the tongue. In fact he looked back at me and smiled. Maybe he just wants to call someone mom."

"Or maybe he took a big step forward. So then what the hell is his problem now?" Matt asked.

"I don't know. But we have to figure it out."

"Oh, I—we will." Matt amended .

 **The next morning Kyle** woke up stiff and sore. He saw the blood on the sheets and quickly covered it up with his blankets as Matt poked his head in the open doorway. "Get a move on—shower, get dressed and meet me in the kitchen."

Kyle made his bed, tucking in the blankets. Matt was on shift and he would be able to wash the sheets when he got home from school. He hurried to the bathroom and winced as he pulled the bandage off. He wadded it up and stuck it under the sink behind the hair dryer. He would have to take care of that later too.

Kyle walked out to the kitchen, freshly showered and clothed. "Where's Gabby?"

"She already left for work. I'm going to take you to school so get ready."

"But school is in the wrong direction. You'll be late." Kyle argued.

"That's for me to worry about," Matt said as he set a power bar on the table along with a banana and a juice box. "You can eat in the car."

Kyle swallowed hard as he looked at this father's almost mechanical movements. He packed his lunch and crammed it into his backpack. He hoped his makeshift dressing was going to hold as he hadn't anticipated his dad driving him to school and had planned to find a better bandage than the piece's of doubled up toilet paper and tape that he had manged to grab. But clearly there was no time or any possibility of searching for something more suitable.

"Let's go," Matt barked as he slipped his coat on and grabbed the truck keys and headed outside.

Kyle obediently followed and waited patiently until Matt unlocked the passenger door. He gingerly climbed in and set his backpack down on the floorboards, buckled up and tried to focus on eating his breakfast.

"Now I don't know what the hell is going with you and why you won't talk about it, but the game is over. Tomorrow I will be picking you up from school and we'll sit in a room and stare at each other until you tell me what is going on, and we will not go our separate ways until you tell me." Matt stopped at a stoplight and looked over at his son who was looking down at his lap as he chewed on his banana. "We can figure this out together, but you have to let me help you."

Kyle remained silent, but could feel his father's eyes remain focused on him. "The light's green," Kyle said quietly as the traffic inched forward.

"Today, you are to go straight home. I'm telling you right now that I better not get a call from Gretchen telling me that you aren't there. I'd have you come to the firehouse but we are doing a lot of training today and I can't have you there."

The remainder of the ride was awkwardly quiet as Kyle chewed and stared at the traffic outside of his window. He could feel the tension coming from his father, but wasn't able to tell the man what he needed to hear. Finally they pulled up to the school. Kyle flung his door open and had one foot out when Matt spoke up. "Hey, whatever it is, we'll figure it out together." Kyle looked back but didn't say anything as he finished hopping out of the truck. "I love you son. I can help you if you let me."

Kyle just looked back and gave the tiniest of nods before he shut the door and whispered, "nobody can help me."

" **I don't know Kelly,"** Matt began as they leaned against truck and smoked their cigars. "It's like he's a totally different kid and I have no idea why. And I can't get him to talk."

"Yeah, he won't even text me back and he has always responded. But it's been two weeks of me texting and getting no replies. Or Danny either. He checked in with me a few days ago, said Kyle won't respond to him either."

"You are in touch with Danny?"

"Yeah, we exchanged numbers when I took him to the zoo lights. He gets worried about Kyle taking on too much. I told him to text me if he was ever worried." Matt nodded. "When I came over and watched Kyle last week I had to send him to his room due to his behavior. I haven't had to do that since he was seven or eight. I tried to get him to talk and I thought for a minute he was going to open up, but then he just said something uncharacteristically obnoxious and I sent him to his room. It was almost as if that's what he wanted so he wouldn't be tempted to talk."

"I searched his room last week and found this book between his mattress and box spring." Matt said pulling a small paperback out.

" _Once the Acacias Bloomed_ by Fred Spiegel," Kelly read. "Is this for school?"

"I called and asked because it did say the book was approved for Junior High and High School studies on the Holocaust. But his teachers said they didn't assign it and they don't discuss the Holocaust until eighth grade. And look, he highlighted a passage." Matt said as he turned the book over to Kelly.

 _Why did it happen? Could it happen again? The answer is: The world did not care and that is why it happened. Unfortunately it does happen and will continue happening because most people still do not care."_

"What is this supposed to mean and why did he hide the book from you?"

"I have no idea. I don't know if this has something to do with his behavior or not. I went to the school after last shift and talked to several of his teachers and they had all noticed that he was different. He's been quiet, not at all engaging, but not as moody as he has been at home."

"He's probably trying to keep it together in school and that takes all of his effort, so when he's at home he loses it. Did they know about anything that happened at school?"

"No, they weren't aware of anything happening, but would ask around. I'm going to get to the bottom of it tomorrow. He is not moving off the couch until he tells me what the hell is going on."

"Let me know if you need back-up." Kelly said.

"Oh, and Gabby's mad at me too."

"How come?" Matt explained their conversation from last night. "We could always co-parent. But nothing is going to happen to you. I have your back, we all have your back, with calls and with parenting"

Matt smile and nodded as he tried to hold his emotions in check."

" **Cousin Kyle,"** Mark Casey said as he saw his second cousin. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, sorry. We just don't get to your neighborhood very often." He said speaking of the Rogers Park neighborhood that housed Matt's cousin Tim and his family, including sixteen year old Mark.

"So, what's so important that you desperately need my help." He asked speaking of the despairing texts he had received from Kyle earlier that day.

"This," Kyle said taking of his coat and pulling up his shirt.

"What the hell? I know it's been a while since I saw you last, but wow. I mean is there anything you need to tell me?"

"Yeah, help me."

"Isn't your best friend Jewish?"

"Yes." Kyle said.

"Well, then isn't it going to be awkward come swimsuit season when he sees that you have a swastika carved into your side?"

Kyle gave an exasperated sigh. "That's why I need you. You have to help me get rid of it. It's making me sick—I mean physically ill. I threw up twice today just knowing it was there."

"It looks fresh. What the hell happened?"

"It's complicated."

"I'm sure it is. Dude this is assault. Does your dad know?"

"No."

"You need to tell him. You need to go to the police."

"I can't."

"Did you let somebody do that to you?"

"Yes—no. It's complicated."

"I can't help you. I have to tell your dad."

"Please don't. You have to help me. You're the only one who can. I can't have this on me."

"Dude it's carved into you. It's going to scar, which I imagine was the point."

"Which is why you need to cover it up."

"This isn't a tattoo, you're cut." Mark said. He was quite an artist already at his young age got a closer look at the damage. "What did they use?"

"A box cutter."

"When?"

"Last night."

"Shit. You're dad will kill me if he finds out I helped you. What do you want me to do?"

"You're an artist you can do it."

"Do what? I can't cover it up."

"No but you can add to it. I found this Celtic design. It will fit right over the original design." Kyle said as he handed over a copy of a design created by several squares that were linked. "It's not complicated. I found this one first but didn't think you could do it." He said sliding another design over that was more intricate.

Mark stepped back and looked at the existing atrocity on his cousin's side. "I think I could do it."

"Great," Kyle said as he sat down at the kitchen table and took his shirt off.

"I said I could do it, not that I will."

"Fine, then I'll do it myself," Kyle said pulling his own box cutter from his coat pocket and opening it up.

"Whoa dude. Where'd you get that?"

"From my dad's tool box." Mark grabbed his phone and quickly took a picture of Kyle's wound. "What was that for?"

"So your dad knows why I did what I did when he comes to kill me." He then went to the freezer and made an ice pack and grabbed a lighter from the drawer. "Here, put this on your side."

"Why?"

"To numb you up," he said shaking his head. "I can't have you flinching. Did they hold you down last night?" He asked as he went over to the sink and began to wash his hands.

"Pretty much." 

"What the hell is going on with you? Yeah, yeah I know, it's complicated. I will be telling your dad. I have to."

"Just give me a few days. Please."

"Three, no more. And my ass is on the line here too. But I can't stomach the thought of you carving yourself up."

Mark disappeared for several minutes and came back with a roll of paper towels, a first aid kit, latex gloves and a wet washcloth. He set them all on the table next to a flip phone that had to have been Kyle's.

"Going retro?"

"Lost my phone. So I have to use this one." Kyle replied looking at all of the items that had been gathered.

"Lost it, like you don't know where it is or lost it because you got in trouble." 

"Trouble," Kyle admitted as he looked up at the kitchen clock.

"Well, that explains why I didn't recognize your number. Late for something," Mark asked.

"I have to be home by 5:00."

"Well, I'll do the best I can, but it might be kind of tight. You might want to start preparing your excuses now. Is your dad on shift?"

"Yeah, but if I'm not there by the time my sitter is, she supposed to call him."

"What have you gotten yourself into kid?"

"Too much for me to handle."

"Clearly." Mark said as passed the flame from the lighter over the blade. "Three days. Then I call him. Are you numb yet?"

"Yeah, get started," Kyle said pulling the ice off of his side as his phone buzzed.

Mark worked as quickly, but stopping to wipe away the blood caused many interruptions. When he saw Kyle grimace he stopped and pressed two pieces of paper towel over the new wound. "You're lucky my mom buys the soft stuff."

"She won't be coming home anytime soon will she?" Kyle asked as his phone buzzed again.

"No, she's working second shift at the nursing home. My dad on the other hand...who knows." Tim Casey, owned and ran a truck rental business and his hours were erratic. "What's up with the earring?"

"Hmm? Oh, just thought I'd try something different."

"And your father let you keep it?"

"He didn't want to, but life got crazy and it just sort didn't seem important."

"You are one complicated dude. Okay, I think the bleeding has mostly stopped. Let me put a new sheet of paper towel over it, before you put the ice back on. I don't want it sticking to your wound."

"Okay," Kyle said as he took the ice pack and put it over the paper towel. "How much longer?"

"Perfection can't be rushed. I'm going as fast as I can. You know you could have just gotten a scar cream and you would probably never even see it."

"I didn't want even the slightest trace of it on me." Kyle said as his phone went off again.

"You want to check that? It might be your dad?"

"No, I just want you to get this done."

"Where'd you get the earring?" Mark asked nodding at Kyle's ear.

"A kid from school. His sister works in one of those little stores in the mall and gives him the overstock. Why?"

"What's that supposed to be?" He asked of the current fashion statement.

"I don't know. Two wiggly lines, two Z's, two lazy lightening bolts. What do you see?"

"Not saying that this is what it is, but one could possibly construe it as two S's," he said pulling the cold pack from Kyle's hands and wiping away a little blood before he got started again.

"Two S's? Really?" Kyle pulled the earring out and looked at it and suddenly his heart started to pound. SS, now he knew why on that day, he had been approached. He had no idea, he hadn't seen it.

"You okay?" Mark asked.

"Yeah. Fine."

"So what will your 'new friends' think of my do-over?"

"I have to make sure they don't see it."

"Good luck with that," Mark said as he went through the blood wiping routine again.

"Almost done?" Kyle asked again.

"Actually, yes. Thankfully, it wasn't that big. Of course, you're not that big. One more go around and I think I'll be about done." Mark said as Kyle's phone buzzed again.

"Dude, what the hell? You got a girlfriend?"

"No. She moved."

"What if it's your dad checking on you?"

"He'll have to wait. I can tell him I forgot my phone in my backpack. It's not like there is anything entertaining about it."

"This is going to bleed a lot. It looks really angry. You're going to have to keep it clean and bandaged."

"I will."

"Okay," Mark said as he pulled the ice pack off one last time. "Here we go." Kyle stayed still not feeling too much until the end. "You okay?"

"Yes, just finish."

"Pushy for not being a paying customer."

"I'll owe you."

"Yeah, you will. Forever. Okay, done. It's hard to tell right now, but I think it will look pretty damn good." He said as the cell phone buzzed again. "For the love of God, check your messages."

Mark gave Kyle the paper towel to keep pressure on it while he prepared a bandage and found the antibiotic ointment. Once the bleeding slowed, he slathered on the ointment and taped the gauze on, while Kyle grabbed his phone and began to scroll.

"Change this tonight and then in the morning. And remember I will be telling Matt. I don't know what the hell you're involved in, but I wish you luck, I think you're going to need it."

"No, no, no, no, no." Kyle said repeatedly.

"You're dad?"

"I have to go," Kyle said grabbing his shirt. "Thanks. You have no idea how much better I feel." He slid inside his shirt and put his coat on while he ran out the door.

"What do you want me to do with this earring?" Mark called out.

"Throw it in the trash!" Kyle yelled as he ran back towards the L station. 


	27. Conclusion to Blood On My Name

**Blood On My Name Conclusion**

 **Matt looked at the clock again** as he came back in the firehouse after running some drills outside. It was just after five and Gretchen may or may not be at the apartment. He chewed on his bottom lip as he found his texting thread for Kyle. His thumb began to move in an organized fashion, building his sentences one word at a time, but was unable to finish his message as they were all called out for a man down. Matt pocketed his phone and got into the zone as he ran to his gear and got ready for action grateful for the distraction.

Just as they were a block away from their destination the call was canceled. It wasn't all that uncommon as they would get a call for someone laying on a sidewalk or lawn, but it was often a homeless individual who was just sleeping it off and would wake up and wander off before help arrived.

"What do you want to do Captain?" Otis asked.

"We're so close let's keep going and take a look around," Casey said.

The rigs all parked and they scattered in different directions looking for signs of anyone in distress when Kelly looked across a vacant lot that was bordered by the L tracks and squinted at what looked like someone running towards him waving their arms. He began to jog that direction and then stepped up his pace when it became apparent that help was most definitely needed.

"My friend needs your help. He's been shot," the boy said spinning around so quickly Kelly never really got a look at him. He ran behind the boy, trying to stay upright and dodge the rocks, bricks and bottles that the snow was hiding.

"How old is your friend?" Kelly asked as they ran.

"My age," they boy replied, his answer not particularly helpful.

"Who shot him?"

"Some guy, he left. I think he heard your sirens and thought it might be the cops. He's right here." The boy said as they stopped to find a body lying flat in the snow, a pool of red spreading way too quickly to hope for a positive outcome.

Kelly looked down and his eye's grew wide and his heart began to pound even more than it had been. He squatted down and scooped the boy up and began to run back towards the trucks and the ambulance. The dead weight in his arms flopped around and Kelly had no idea if there was any chance of survival or if the victim was even still alive.

Cruz had run that way and when Kelly saw him he told him to alert Gabby and Brett that they would need to be ready. He nodded and took off as Kelly and his small partner continued to make their way to the street. Finally they reached the pavement with the paramedics waiting. Kelly gently set the child down on the gurney and then just stood in shock, and waited for his mind to start working again.

"Danny, Danny," Kelly finally managed to utter. "What happened?" He asked looking back towards the boy who he had finally recognized.

"Some guy shot him. But I think he knew him." He said breathlessly, his face as pale as the snow, his eyes wide and wild.

"The shooter knew him?" Danny nodded as Gabby stepped over to the gurney.

Gabby began to take action when her eyes grew wide. "No, no, no. Kyle? No baby, no. What happened?" She screamed as the guys began to realize who was lying unconscious on the stretcher.

Herrmann backed up and nearly tripped over his own feet. "Where's Casey?" He asked.

Cruz looked and pointed. "He's coming this way." Matt indeed was crossing the street from the area where he had been searching for their original patient.

Chief Boden's face registered the shock they were all beginning to realize. "I've got it," he said so quietly it barely found its way to the outside of his mouth.

"What happened? Is it a kid?" Matt asked concerned.

"Matt," Chief began slowly as Cruz and Herrmann circled around the man in case he collapsed. "It is a child, a young child. He's been shot." Matt took step closer, before Chief stepped in his way. "Matt, it's Kyle."

"What!" Matt said in disbelief. He jumped forward where Gabby and Sylvie were working on him. "Kyle? Is he okay? Where's he been shot?" Gabby and Sylvie stayed quiet as Matt moved closer. "Where, tell me where!" He demanded.

"Matt—he's been shot—he was shot in the head." Brett said.

It was then that Matt finally lost his footing and collapsed into his fellow firefighters arms.

"We need to go," Brett said as she snapped Gabby out of it. "I'll drive, you and Matt be with Kyle."

"Yeah, yeah, come on babe," Gabby said pushing the gurney towards the back of the ambulance after Kyle was secured.

As Gabby climbed in after Kyle, Cruz and Cap helped Casey get inside as the man's legs appeared to turn to rubber.

"I'm taking 51 off-line. We'll be right behind you," Chief said as he closed the doors.

"Load up and go show your support for Matt and Gabby," the chief ordered.

Nobody had to be told twice, in fact they didn't even need to be told once. Kelly turned and looked down at Danny who had at some point grabbed the edge of his turnout coat and held on. "Chief, I'm going to wait here with Danny until the cops show up."

"Yeah, you do that. And Severide, stay with him . He's going to need he support. We'll keep you updated. Come to the hospital as soon as you can."

"Will do," Kelly answered as he stared off at nothing.

He and Danny sat down on the curb and let their heads drop as the two squad cars rounded the corner.

"Can you show me where it happened?" One officer asked after he had gotten out of his car and approached them moments later.

Danny looked up, his face torn by emotion. "It's easy, just follow the blood."

 **In the ambulance Matt's stomach clenched** as he looked down at his unconscious son. "Daddy's here buddy, Daddy's here." Matt told his son as he held his hand. "Is he alive?"

"Yes." Gabby assured as she wrapped his head in gauze that contained a hemostatic agent to help stop the bleeding. "He's breathing on his own. But his blood pressure is dropping. He's lost so much blood. I can't tell where it's coming from. He seems to be bleeding from multiple parts of his skull."

"Entrance and exit wound?" Matt asked quietly, his voice disjointed.

"I don't know, there was too much blood to tell."

"Have you checked his pupils?" Matt asked, knowing the story may end with what Kyle's eye's showed.

"No," she admitted. "I couldn't." She took a big breath and grabbed her pen light. "Ready?" Matt nodded. She flashed his right eye and then his left eye. "Oh thank God. Both equal and reactive."

They breathed a sigh of relief. If one or both of his pupils were blown or nonreactive it would be indicative of bleeding or injury of the brain. Gabby continued to monitor him and give him fluids, but there wasn't much more she could do for him at this point.

Brett had called ahead and a team was waiting for them as they whipped into the drop-off lane. Gabby gave them all the details and just like that they had whisked Kyle away and left behind three stunned people who were silently screaming.


	28. Blue Eyes

**Blue Eyes**

 **After giving their statements at the police station,** Kelly, with Danny at his side entered the hospital hallway and felt the heavy air before he even took his first breath. Fifty-one had battened down the hatches and were hoping for the best, knowing that what the doctor would eventually reveal may very well affect the rest of the lives of each and every one of them. Kyle had always been a presence and the mere thought of that presence no longer being there, was more than any of them could swallow. Kids weren't supposed to die.

Brett having seen them come in ran over and hugged Kelly and then looked at Danny. "Why don't we go to the cafeteria and get you some hot chocolate?"

Danny looked confused, as if she had been speaking a foreign language. He looked up at Kelly, who nodded and told him to go. "Do you need anything?" She asked Kelly.

"No," he replied. "Go ahead Danny. She'll take great care of you."

"Kay," the boy said as he took a quick look around at all of the firefighters who wore the concerned look that mirrored his own.

Chief Boden came over and stood next to Kelly and pulled him to a quiet corner. "Did the boy know anything?"

"How's Matt? Gabby?" Kelly asked seemingly ignoring the question.

"As you'd expect. Totally lost. The kid? What did he say?"

"He had been walking home and crossed the vacant lot, like he always did and this guy stepped out and started talking to him. He wouldn't let Danny walk away. They were right by the L tracks. He couldn't remember too much about the conversation, something about 'they needed to be stopped and he was the first of many' and apparently threw in some derogatory and anti-Semitic terms. Danny was already pretty scared and then the guy pulled out a gun and aimed at him. He thought he was dead."

"So what happened?" Boden asked.

"Kyle. Kyle happened. Danny noticed the guy looking past him to something and he seemed happy. I guess he then yelled something like it was about time and he knew that the kid would show up." 

"He knew Kyle?"

Kelly shrugged. "I don't know, he seemed to. Called him Blue Eyes. Said something like 'I knew you'd be here for this Blue Eyes.' Then Kyle, who never said anything, stood in front of Danny and was between him and the gunman.

"Danny said he continued to talk to Kyle. Telling him that he was happy that he came, he had had faith that he would be there for his big step in getting in with the group and this would also be good for Kyle, it would show his sincerity.

"Then he told Kyle he needed to get out of the way and stand next to him. But Kyle didn't move. I guess the train could be heard and I'm sure the plan was to shoot when the train was going by, so with Kyle remaining rooted the gunman began to panic telling Kyle he better move because he wasn't going to ruin this and his turn would be sometime in the future. Finally, he was told to move or he was going to be shot too."

"And he didn't move?" Chief guessed.

"He didn't move. The gun was fired, Kyle fell backwards and took Danny down with him. Danny said he waited for the next shot, but it never came. He heard our sirens and apparently the noise chased the guy off."

"How would this person know Kyle?"

"I have no idea," Kelly said, his face emotionless and his voice nearly monotone. "This is my fault. I knew something was bothering him, but I didn't push it, I didn't push him. Kyle hadn't been texting Danny back and he hadn't been texting me back and I did nothing."

"We all knew something was wrong and we tried to get him to open up, but he wouldn't." Chief replied.

"Last week he almost told me, but I didn't force it. I should've pushed him, but I just let it go," Kelly said as tears welled up in his eyes. "I have to go," he said as ran back out the door, leaving Boden behind to take a deep breath and try to contain his own emotions.

Kelly raced down the stairs, flinging himself around each turn of the stairs until he found the door to the first floor and outside. He went to the outside wall of the hospital and leaned against it and slid down until he was squatting. The tears began to race from his eyes and ran down his cheeks. He thought back to the first time he met Kyle. He had been all of two hours old.

 _ **Eleven plus years ago**_

"Hey, Daddy," Kelly had told Matt as he entered the hospital room. Matt put his finger to his lips and nodded towards Hallie who was sleeping. Kelly nodded that he understood and then turned his attention back to the little bundle in the bassinet. "Can I hold him?"

"Of course," Matt said as he picked him up.

"You look like a natural. I think you're the one glowing now."

"I think I am too," Matt admitted. He moved to hand the baby over to his friend. "Okay, support his head. You got him?"

"I got him," Kelly assured as Kyle made little newborn grunts and noises. "He looks like you." He said as he walked around the room, gently rocking and patting. "I'm Uncle Kelly and we're going to have so much fun. Yes we are," he cooed as Matt watched. Between the two men and Hallie, Kyle spent very little time in his bassinet that day.

 **Back in the present** Kelly looked up to see Chief Boden standing there. "I needed a minute. I can't—I just can't imagine life without him. I don't think I could go on. First Shea, then Anna—Kyle was the one that got me through those losses. How would I ever get through his loss?"

"Don't go there. We don't know anything yet."

"He was shot in the head Chief. I was the one carrying his lifeless body, watching the blood pour out of him, leaving every trace of him behind in the snow."

"I repeat, we don't know anything yet. Don't get ahead of yourself, it will do you no good."

Kelly nodded. "Chief he can see inside me like no one else can. I don't know how, I don't why, but he can. And he tells me things that I can't see but need to know. I don't know, maybe others see them too, but they don't have the courage to tell me."

Chief cleared his throat. "I remember a time when Terrance was suffering from an ear infection and no matter what Donna did, she couldn't settle him. She hoped a ride in the car would soothe him so she brought him to the station. But it didn't help so she gave him to me so she could have five minutes without a screaming toddler in her arms. Kyle came over and began to sing him a song. Something about a purple balloon, I don't remember. But the baby settled right down. Kyle sat with him on the couch, rocked him and sang to him. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. This loss is will not be yours alone to bear."

"Matt won't make it. I know he won't."

"Then we had better pray for the best," Chief said. "Are you coming back up?" 

"Yeah. In a minute." Kelly replied. He was now standing, but leaned back putting his weight against the exterior wall. He blew out a mouthful of air and knew if he smoked he'd being doing it now. He thought back to another memory when Kyle was a newborn. It was the day after his birth and the day he and Hallie were going home. Kelly had decided to stop by to see if he could help with anything. The door was cracked and as he went to knock on it he heard two female voices so he hesitated, not wanting to interrupt.

"I don't know Erin, it's just that I'm afraid it's all going to be too much. I mean keeping up was difficult before. How the hell am I going to do it with a newborn?" Hallie had said.

"Matt is going to be a huge help. I haven't seen a man so excited about becoming a father—ever. You can take a semester off, get a routine down."

"That's the thing, I don't want to take time off. I feel like I can't take the time off." Hallie sighed. "God, this is going to make me sound like a monster. I'd rather be in school than be a mother. I didn't ask for this."

"Well, maybe not, but he's here now. You can't send him back."

Hallie sighed again. "I wanted to have an abortion."

"What?" Erin asked trying to hide her shock.

"My dream was to be a doctor not a mother. I don't have a maternal bone in my body. I dropped my sample off at the clinic and went back days later and got the results. I couldn't look at the results for hours, but I finally did and left them on the table. I didn't think twice about them since Matt was on shift. I climbed into bed and just cried. But he came home sick, something he never did and he saw the results. The choice was no longer an option. I hate myself for thinking that way, but that's the reality."

After he heard Hallie's confession he turned and left. He had wanted and planned to be a part of the child's life, but after that conversation he felt he had no other choice. He gave Hallie credit for recognizing her lack of maternal abilities despite the fact that Matt couldn't. Shaking his head and taking a deep breath he remembered that she had loved Kyle, it's just that he wasn't prioritized merely for his existence. But right now he was everyone's priority. He ran back up the steps he had just come down and tried to steel himself for whatever was to come.

Once Kelly got back to the waiting room area that held so many firefighters that they had spilled out into the hallway. He looked over at Matt and Gabby and walked that way. Matt was staring at the floor when Kelly approached and he put his hand on his friends shoulder. Matt looked up and stood and embraced the one man who was nearly as lost as he was. It was then that Matt's tears began to fall as the pent up emotions finally found their release. Kelly began to tear up again despite his private moment earlier. He had done that so he could be strong now, but his fortitude was quickly waning.

"He's so strong—and stubborn. Your kid—he's the toughest around." Kelly said as held onto Matt.

Matt couldn't talk, but he nodded as he pulled away. "Danny?" He choked out.

"Danny is fine," Kelly assured.

Matt nodded. "Good. That's good."

As if on cue, Brett and Danny came back into view. Danny was holding a cup and had some kind of pastry in his hand. He didn't look interested in either one. Kelly waved him over, but he appeared to be reluctant. Kelly gave him a reassuring look and beckoned him again. This time the boy slowly made his way over.

He set his items on a nearby table and seemed to prepare himself for what was to come. He took a breath and walked over to Matt and Gabby. "Hi," he whispered unsure what else to say.

"Oh thank God you're okay," Gabby said giving him a hug.

"Danny," Matt said pulling him close.

"I'm sorry," Danny gasped.

"I'm so thankful that you're okay."

Danny didn't know what to say and was grateful when Antonio, Hank Voight and Jay Halstead walked in. Antonio was holding Kelly's helmet. "You left this at the station," he said handing it back.

Kelly thanked him. He hadn't even realized he had left it behind. Antonio embraced both his sister and his brother-in-law.

After a few more minutes a doctor in official looking bloody scrubs came out and his eyes grew as big as the crowd that had accumulated. "Are Kyle's parents anywhere in this mass?"

"Right here," Matt said he held Gabby's hand and stepped forward.

"Wow, kid has quite a fan club."

Kelly pulled Danny close with his free hand while everyone held their collective breath awaiting the news that could change everything.

"Okay. I'm Dr. Nichols and I'll try and project my voice so everyone can hear. Firstly, I have some great news, then somewhat alarming news and then—well then I have some we'll see news.

"The best news is that the bullet didn't penetrate the skull. It skimmed across the side of his head, just over his ear. It caused significant bleeding, but no severe damage."

A joint cheer went up and several of those waiting nearly collapsed with relief. Matt gripped Gabby's hand and held it up in a kind of a victory salute. He felt as if he could breath again.

"What's the alarming news?" Gabby asked after everyone had settled down.

"It appears that after the bullet hit him and he fell backwards he hit his head on a rock or a brick—something hard. This caused a basal skull fracture. After an X-ray and Cat Scan it appears to be linear in nature and not a depressed fracture."

Matt looked like he was trying to keep up.

"It's good baby," Gabby assured. "It means that the bone didn't get shoved into the brain."

"Exactly. Now we're going to watch him very carefully for swelling, pressure building up in his brain, but I'm feeling fairly confident that it won't be a problem."

"So he's out of the woods?" Kelly asked.

"I can't really say that," the doctor said. "He lost a lot of blood. A lot of blood. The scalp has a tremendous amount of blood vessels and that wound from the bullet opened up a lot of them. Plus the wound on the back of his head was leaking pretty good. It's just lucky that it was cold out. If this had been July we may have lost him."

"How come?" Danny asked, suddenly finding his voice.

"The cold constricts the blood vessels, they don't bleed as freely."

"Oh, okay," Danny replied.

"So what does all of this mean? Can we see him?" Matt asked.

"He's still unconscious. This is the wait and see part. Like we established, he lost a lot of blood and went through a lot of trauma. He's not a big kid and doesn't have the same volume as an adult."

"I'll donate blood," Herrmann called out.

"Me too," said Cruz followed by several other agreeing.

"That's great. I can send a nurse up here to get you guys processed for that. But, Kyle has been given blood. Now we just have to wait and see. Blood carries oxygen around the body and to the brain and he was losing a lot of it."

"Is he going to be okay?" Kelly asked.

"I have high hopes, but we really won't know much of anything until he wakes up. I'd prefer that he wake up sooner than later, but I can't put a time frame on when I'll start to worry. I can let you two," he said pointing to Matt and Gabby see him for a few minutes. But he needs his rest."

They trio went down the hallway while a nurse tried to organize all of those who were willing to donate blood. They stopped in front of a door and Matt sucked a deep breath as the doctor opened the door to reveal a plethora of beeps and monitors surrounding a small figure in an over-sized bed. A sob escaped from Matt as he saw his son, his head wrapped up in bandages and the realization that his life very well could have ended hours ago. He never thought he'd be thankful for the Chicago cold, but today, he owed everything to it's frigidity.

Matt collected himself as Dr. Nichols cleared his throat. "Now, the official rule is that there are to be no visitors in ICU but with kids we tend to break that rule, feeling that a familiar voice and presence can make all the difference in the world. Of course the important administration people have no idea we have completely tossed the rule out the window, so I didn't just tell you what I told you. Not having told you what I just said, no more that two of you at any time. And since he seems to have such a following you can rotate one of you out at a time, but I must request that one parent remain in here at all times. Do you understand what I didn't just tell you?"

"Yes," Gabby nodded.

"Of course, keep everything calm and quiet or I will have to enforce the rules that we are busy ignoring."

"Yes." Matt said wiping his tears away. "We'll be very quiet. Thank you."

"You're welcome. This is Jackie and she'll be Kyle's nurse tonight. She'll take great care of him and of you too. I'll check back in before I leave for the night."

As the hands on the clock advanced and the night progressed, Matt remained rooted in the most uncomfortable chair in the world while Gabby went out to get coffee, snacks, a pillow, a magazine, anything to pass that time and allow others to check on Kyle.

Danny's mother came to pick him up and Kelly poked his head in and Gabby stepped out so the boy could come in and say goodnight to his best friend. "You don't get to leave me. We promised each other that we would be there for each other forever. You were there for me today, but you have to stay so I can return the favor one day."

The boy took Kyle's hand in his and then bent his head down to meet the extremity and held it to his cheek for a moment before turning around and marching out of the door.

The night inched further into itself and after quick visits most of the guys went home. Chief Boden was asleep in a chair when Gabby had swapped out with Kelly and decided to go home and shower and get a few supplies from home for herself and Matt. She gently shook him awake. "You should go home Chief. Matt won't leave Kyle's side and we'll keep you all updated with any changes."

"What time is it?" He asked as he stretched.

"Half past the middle of the night."

"Has he woken up?"

"No," Gabby said in a defeated tone. "Not yet. Come on, we can share an Uber. I should have one on the way if my app worked right."

"Okay," Chief said looking down the hallway towards Kyle's room. He had visited for a few minutes several hours ago and pretty much ordered the boy to get better.

 **Well, Kyle never did take orders very well** and didn't wake up that night or the next morning. The monotonous beeping of the machines had made for a rhythmic beat in the foreground that finally lulled Matt to sleep. Kelly stood at the end of the bed and watched as his friend held his sons hand and slept, his head laying on the mattress. He looked at the child that he shared no biology with, but shared everything else. He had been busy looking for love and this whole time it had been in front of him. He had found it where it wasn't supposed to be, in the love of a child that he would sacrifice everything for.

The power of his emotions scared him. He had always known they were there, but carrying Kyle's bleeding, limp, body across that lot and now looking down at him in, the vulnerability highlighting the intensity of the moment, Kelly nearly broke down again. He thought back to the words that Hallie had uttered so long ago about having no desire to be a mother and believed at that moment something clicked inside and he silently made a commitment to this child. A mother's love could fix nearly everything and it was not available, so Kelly always would be. He watched Kyle slumber and wondered if she was visiting him now.

He made his way around to the opposite side of the bed that Matt was on and knelt down. "I'll give you everything I have and I'll teach everything I know—well at least the good stuff. I promise you that I'll be there for you when you need me and even when you don't. Do you know how much you're loved? By me, by your father, by Gabby and every member of 51? You have this unimaginable light inside you and you don't even realize it. You don't get to leave us. You don't get to leave this world, not yet, not for a long time. You have so much more to give."

"That was beautiful," the nurse said as she checked Kyle's chart.

"Yes it was," Kyle croaked.

"You're awake," Kelly said excitedly as Kyle's eyelids fluttered open. "Thirsty," he complained.

The nurse had made a phone call and then quickly came over and poured some water into a cup sitting on a nearby tray. She popped a bendy straw into it and held it to Kyle's lips. "Just a few sips. The doctor is on his way," she said as Kyle finished.

Matt was awake and blinking his way back into consciousness. His eyes lit up and he immediately stood and looked down at his son. "Thank God. How do you feel?"

"Like someone hit me in the head with a hammer." He said as his hand felt their way to his bandaged head. "Oh my God, I'm like a human Q-Tip. Did I get hit with a hammer?"

"You don't remember what happened?" Matt asked.

Kyle shook his head and winced with the effort.

"Doctor Nichols is on his way," Nurse Ingrid said. She had replaced Jackie earlier that morning. "Do you remember anything?"

"Danny?" Kyle questioned. "Is he okay?"

"So you do remember?" Matt asked.

"No. For some reason he just came to mind. And running, I was running and Mark."

"Mark? My cousin Tim's boy?" Matt asked.

"Yeah." Suddenly Kyle's eyes grew large and he scrambled trying to get his hands to cooperate and lift the blankets and his gown. He looked down at the large bandage and ripped it off.

"Can you tell me what went on there?" Dr. Nichols asked as he came into the room. "That's quite a production."

"Mark did it," Kyle said.

"What?" Matt asked. "Why?"

Kyle stayed quiet for a moment trying desperately to remember. "I was at his house and he said he was going to call you Dad. I don't know any more."

"You went to Rogers Park?" Matt asked.

"I guess so," he admitted. "What happened to me?"

"Why can't he remember?" Kelly asked the doctor.

"Totally normal. Can you tell me your full name and how old you are and what neighborhood you live in and what school you go to?" The doctor asked, firing the questions to see how well Kyle could focus.

"Kyle James Casey, I'm eleven, I live in Lincoln Park and I go to Frances Parker school."

"Great job. Who's this?" He asked pointing at Matt.

"My dad."

"Who's this?" He asked pointing at Kelly.

"My other dad," Kyle smiled.

The doctor looked at Matt who nodded that the answer made sense. "Well, you did great."

"What happened to my head that I'm all wrapped up?"

"You were shot."

"I was shot? In the head?"

The doctor went on to explain everything to Kyle as he had explained it the night before. Kyle focused on listening intently and trying to recall the events from yesterday but couldn't come up with any kind picture, complete or even partial besides the few facts he had already released.

Kelly went on to explain the scene and how he had carried Kyle to the ambulance. He decided to hold back what Danny had said at the police station—at least for now. They all hoped that Kyle had some kind of logical explanation for what had happened.

"Well, I think we'll keep an eye on him for a few more hours and then we can get him into a regular room." Dr. Nichols said.

"When can I go home?" Kyle asked.

"A few days. We need to be certain that there will be no surprises. Besides gauging from your huge fan club that was out here last night, it will take that long for everyone come say hello."

 **Kyle was in fact moved into a regular room later that day a** nd continued to improve. Matt had called his cousin Tim and spoke with Mark and found out some very disturbing information but like Kelly, he held it back. Kyle was continuing to remember bits and pieces but nothing that connected the ordeal into anything that made sense. On his fifth day in the hospital he was released.

Back at home his Q-Tip covering was shed for a more practical bandage. The doctor had promised him that he had done his best work while suturing and yes, there would be a scar, and no hair would grow there, but it would easily be covered by the hair that grew just above the scar.

Kyle was dealing with the aftereffects of the injury with headaches that at times felt like an ice pick being drilled into his head. He also would have ringing in his ears, muffled hearing and blurry vision. Matt had taken several shifts off as Kyle recovered at home and worked on his schoolwork. He rarely let the boy out of his sight. Antonio had spoken with Kyle while he was still in the hospital and had already stopped by the house once to talk about what happened. But today they were going to meet at the station as Kyle said he was beginning to remember.


	29. Time To Remember Time To Talk

**Time To Remember Time To Talk**

"Is this where you interrogate criminals?" Kyle asked as he looked around the small room.

"Yes it is," Antonio replied. "But you are not in trouble, this is just a good place to talk."

Kyle sighed as he thought about the trouble he was going to be in, at least with his father. He had broken more rules that he could count and he knew, that despite his injury he would be held accountable for his actions. He would have to broaden his shoulders and take what was coming to him as was tired of living with the lies; the lies that nearly ate him alive.

He sat down and Matt sat down next to him as Antonio took a seat across the table. He pulled a folder closer to him and opened it and pulled out a sketch. "Danny gave us this description of the man that shot you. Does he look familiar?" He asked as he spun it around. "Danny said it seemed as if he knew you."

"His name is Brock." Kyle said looking at the picture.

"So you did know him?" Kyle nodded. "Is that his first name or last name?"

"I don't know. He just went by Brock. I have a picture of him."

Antonio, who was busy taking notes abruptly stopped at this revelation. "Wait a minute—you have a picture of him?"

Kyle pulled his smartphone, which had been taken as evidence, over from in front of his father and swiped and scrolled and then pushed it across the table. "That's him," he said, speaking of a shot that revealed a man who clearly had no idea his picture was being taken.

"He didn't know I took it. But that's him."

Antonio had him send it to an email address as he called a fellow detective and told him to get it printed and circulated.

"Did you tell him your name?" Matt asked.

Kyle shook his head back and forth. "I told my name was Thomas—just Thomas. If he was just Brock, I could be just Thomas."

Hallie's last name, Matt thought as he looked at his son with concern.

"Where did you know him from?" Antonio asked.

"We met while I was waiting for Danny at the Jewish Community Center. He basically recruited me."

"For what?" Matt asked.

"ABC," Kyle said. "I know it sounds like something from Sesame Street, but believe me despite the fact that these guys are like a bunch of puppets, they are very dangerous puppets."

"What is ABC?" Antonio asked.

Kyle took a deep breath and let it back out. "Aryan Brotherhood of Chicago. They are a white supremacy group. They specialize in antisemitism, but are equal opportunity in their hatred."

Antonio's eyebrows shot up while Matt looked like he was going to fall out of his chair. After Matt took a minute to recover he spoke. "I guess that explains the swastika that was carved into your side." He pulled up the picture that Mark had taken and texted when he had called Matt after hearing of his cousin's shooting.

"Tell me about the swastika," Antonio said. He had already been shown the picture and heard what Kyle had asked his cousin to do.

"It was the night that you caught me coming home late." Kyle began looking down at the table but sneaking a sideways glance towards his father. He cleared his throat and began again. "I had gotten a message to meet Brock. So I did." As if that simple explanation made enough sense on it's own.

"How did he contact you?" Antonio asked.

"On my Smartphone, I had an app that we corresponded through. But when my dad took it away and gave me the flip phone, we just texted back and forth."

"So he asked you to meet him?"

"Yes. He said this would prove that I was serious. So I figured I had to go. He texted me an address of a pizza place in the Loop. I guess there's a college near there so they stay open really late. One of the guys in the group manages it."

"You rode your bike to the Loop?" Matt asked, his eyes wide. "That's like seventy blocks."

"Anyway," Kyle continued ignoring his father's disbelief, "I had no idea what they were going to do, but what choice did I have. If I backed out who knows what they would have done to me."

"Oh, since they only shot you, I'm not sure if it could have been much worse." Matt snapped.

Antonio shot his brother-in-law a look. "I hated what they did to me. I couldn't get it covered up fast enough. It makes me sick to think that it is still there and will forever be there."

"It is covered up though." Antonio offered.

"But it was there first and I let them do it."

"Let's back up a minute," Antonio said. "How did this Brock recruit you? You met him when you were waiting for Danny right?"

"I was standing there waiting. Danny takes Hebrew lessons after school at the center. Often I'll go meet him there. Sometimes I'll go in and we'll play air hockey or ping pong and then walk home. Sometimes we just walk home.

"Anyway, I was waiting, Brock shows up and looks over at me and smiles. I didn't think too much of it, but he continued to look me up and down and it really creeped me out. He stepped in front of me and looked back at me and nodded. He said something about me being there for the same reason he was. I had no idea what he was talking about."

"What did you do?" Antonio asked.

"I left. Like I said the dude creeped me out. But a couple of days later I was looking in the window of that bookstore that I like, one block over from the JCC and there he was again."

"The JCC is the Jewish Community Center?" Antonio asked.

Kyle nodded. "So the guy is standing next to me with another guy and extends his hand and says 'I knew it, I knew you were one of us. We have big plans and we are ready to teach a new generation of white power. Come with us.'"

"I wanted to run away. I guess I should have, but then he said, 'be part of the change, make a difference.' I realized that this might be an opportunity to do that, but just not for their side."

Both Matt and Antonio wore looks of relief. Kyle looked from one to another. "You didn't think I believed in their bullshit. That I wanted to be a part of their belief system."

"No, of course not," Matt replied.

"Antonio?" Kyle asked.

"I didn't think so, but you're young, impressionable."

"Well I didn't believe their bullshit. I had to swallow all that hate and I had nowhere to put it."

"And that explains your behavior," Matt responded.

"Let's back up," Antonio said. "Why did he think you were for the same reason he was—at the JCC."

"I had no idea. I mean, he keyed in on my blue eye's and pasty skin tone—well as much as he could see since it was cold. I thought that was it, until Mark made me realize something."

"What was that?" Matt asked.

"I had an earring in and I didn't think—I didn't think."

"You didn't think what?" Antonio asked.

"I guess people want to see what they want to see. I had an earring in that I thought was just two crooked lines, but I guess he saw them as SS."

"Draw a picture of it," Antonio directed, handing the boy a pencil and piece of paper. Kyle did his best to recreate the image and tried three times and circled the one he thought was best. "So, the blue eyes, the skin tone and this earring, he figured you had to be on his team."

Kyle shrugged. "I think he was desperate to find somebody to bring into the fold. For a member to move up they have to complete certain tasks. And recruiting somebody is one of those."

"Where is this earring now?" Matt asked.

"Once Mark said what it looked like, I took it out and told him to throw it away."

"Where did you get it?" Matt questioned.

"A kid from school. His sister works in one of those cheap boutiques and she brings home overstock all the time. His ear is pierced too and he gives me earrings sometimes."

"Why?" Matt asked.

"I don't know, because he likes me. We both sing in the chorus."

"What grade is he in?" Antonio wanted to know.

"Eighth."

"Could he think like this group does?"

"I doubt it. His last name is Goldstein."

"So you were at a book store and this guy figured you were interested in their ABC group?"

"Turns out the bookstore is right next to their hovel. And the hovel is a block behind the JCC. Small world."

"What did you hope to accomplish?" Matt asked, his eyes wide.

"I wanted to figure out what they had planned. I wanted to find out if they were going to try and hurt people. If I was on the inside I could learn things nobody else could. I wanted to find out just how far the dark goes."

Matt looked like was either going to deflate or explode. "Do you have any idea how dangerous your little excursion was? These are violent people, willing to hurt anyone they believe isn't faithful to their ideology."

"I know. But I'm an actor Dad. I pulled it off."

"You pulled it off, you pulled it off. You got shot Kyle James." Matt said, upset that his son wasn't understanding how dangerous his actions were.

"Only because I had to save Danny. I knew what they were capable of and I knew what they did if you didn't fit into their political views. I saw it myself."

"Wait, what do you mean? What did you see?" Antonio asked.

"I was poking around a little bit—nothing too dramatic. I was kind of peeking around the corner near the bathroom when I heard a scuffle. I have no idea what was going on but I saw them punching a guy and then I think they stabbed him."

"They stabbed him?" Matt gasped, his eyes huge.

"There was blood. I went back later but I didn't find him or any blood. I guess they cleaned up. I never saw him again."

"Jesus Christ," Matt stated. "You went back? When?"

"In the middle of the night. I had sneaked out of the house. I had unlocked a window in the basement at their place. I would have stayed and looked around longer but some of them sleep there and I didn't want to get caught."

Matt had begun to aggressively chew on his bottom lip. "You have got to be kidding me. Why didn't you tell any of us right away?"

"I wasn't sure what I saw and there was no evidence to show you. And because Dad, you can't arrest someone for hate, you have to wait until they put it into action. I was waiting until I had something to tell."

Matt looked like smoke could come out of his ears at any time, causing Antonio to get up and pull him aside and speak in a hushed tone. "Look, I'm a father and I get it. But you are only in here as a courtesy and I can't have Kyle afraid to tell me everything that he knows. If you're jumping all over him then he may not give important details. Maybe you need a break. You can go in the room next door, I'm sure Voight is in there and I know Kelly and Gabby are. Watch from there, you'll hear and see everything, but will give Kyle a sense of freedom. You can kill him later."

"Maybe I should," Matt agreed. He walked back over to his son. "I'm going to take a break and get some coffee. You tell Antonio everything. Understand?"

Kyle nodded. He watched Matt walk out the door. "He's going to watch from the other side of this one-way mirror isn't he?" He asked nodding towards the mirror behind him. "Probably with Gabby and Kelly and maybe even Voight."

"Damn the kids good," Kelly said from behind the mirror.

"Damn good," Voight agreed as Matt walked in. "Head's up I'll be recruiting your kid in ten years."

"If he lives that long," Matt stated.

"He's a go-getter that's for sure," Voight said. "But he's fearless and that will always spell trouble."

Back in the room Antonio continued. "So how long were you in the group?"

"It was like three or so weeks. They had meetings all the time. I went to as many as I could. Since it was so close to the JCC if my dad looked at the tracking app it would pretty much show I was there. Like I said earlier it wasn't uncommon for me to be in the area."

"Did you hang out with Danny during this time?"

"No. I couldn't take that risk. It was hard for me to shut him out, but I had to. While these morons were saluting the Nazi flag I would look down at the bracelet his sister, Rachel gave me. But then I would feel like crap because here I was in a room full of people that hated her despite the fact they didn't even know her."

"Your dad said you had been quiet, then argumentative. You look like you've lost weight."

"I sat there and listened to them churn out hatred and lies and disrespect and I had to pretend to agree. It also made me afraid."

"Of what they might do if they found out you weren't authentic?" 

"No, well that, but what if, just what if I started to believe them?"

"But you didn't," Antonio reminded him.

"No I didn't."

"Why didn't you tell your dad or me about what was going on?" 

"Because, like I said earlier they hadn't done anything yet."

"And you thought that after being with them for a few weeks they were going to tell you all their plans?"

Kyle heaved his shoulders in a big sigh. "I know, sounds stupid and naive. And I guess it was. But a lot of times people forget kids are there, that we have ears and are paying attention. Besides, if I'm caught wandering around it appears to be more innocent than if an adult was doing it. I didn't really expect them to invite me into the inner circle and discuss their upcoming plans, but I hoped perhaps they might forget that I was around.

"If I told you guys then you wouldn't have let me go back and nothing would have happened and Danny would be dead."

"We would have looked into it."

"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you would have sent Halstead in with his all-American apple pie face, but he wouldn't have had any more success than I did. At least not anytime soon. Look, I betrayed everything I had ever been taught. I betrayed my friends, my family. I felt like I sold them all out. I hardened myself to survive and I couldn't let it go. I pushed everyone away. I wanted to tell my dad. I almost did one night, I almost told Kelly too, but I just couldn't. I couldn't take the chance. Getting shot was probably the best thing."

Antonio looked over at the mirror behind Kyle's head and shook his head no, in case Matt wanted to come charging back in. He figured that Voight would hold him back if necessary.

"Tell me about the day you were shot. How did you know what was happening?"

"Danny had texted me regularly but I ignored him. I'm sure it confused him, but I just couldn't do it. Like I said, I pushed everyone away. I had no idea what I had become and I couldn't drag him into this disaster."

"But he was still texting you?"

"Yes. It was like a knife to my heart, to ignore him. But I had to."

"You had to? Because you didn't want him to know what you had been up to?"

"Duh. How do I explain it to him? I couldn't let him know, anybody know. I needed more."

"More information?"

"Yes. As much as I could get."

"Because?"

"Because I didn't want to save _**a**_ life—" Antonio looked confused. "I wanted to save them all. All the lives that I could. I know they were planning something. But I couldn't figure out what."

"Like a bomb?"

Kyle shrugged. "I heard something about fertilizer and none of them are farmers. But that was all."

"Okay, so Danny texted you on the day you were shot."

"I was at my cousins Mark's house and he was helping me."

"Cover up the symbol on your side, by carving more symbols into you?"

Kyle nodded. "I begged him to. I said I would do it myself if I had to. So he did it, but was going to call my dad and tell him. I begged him to give me a few more days and he agreed, but he was really uncomfortable with the whole thing. He just did it to save me from self-mutilation."

"Sounds like you owe him an apology."

"I guess so. Anyway, while he was working on me my phone was constantly buzzing indicating texts were coming in but I didn't look because I just wanted to get this—this reconstruction done." He said plucking at his shirt on the side of injury. "And when he finished I finally looked and saw the two conversations had come in simultaneously."

"One by Danny and one by Brock?" Antonio asked already knowing the answer as he had looked at the phone earlier.

"Yes. It showed Danny reaching out to me to see if I wanted to walk home with him. We were pretty predicable in our timing and route. Always the same route."

"Through the vacant lot and by the L tracks?" Kyle nodded. "But you hadn't been walking with him—because you thought you might be seen?"

Kyle nodded again. "I see the texts from Danny hoping that I'll meet him to walk home and then I see the texts from Brock saying he had his target and it was going to be easy—vacant lot and a train to cover the noise. He invited me to share in his glory and that's exactly how he phrase it—his glory. I would get points just by being there. He figured it would help relax his target and make for an easier time if I was there—another kid."

"Points?"

"Yeah, for everything you're involved in you get credit. Meetings, marches, protests, but the violence is where the big points are. It's kind of like a gang. To be a full-fledged member you have to kill someone. A Jewish kid ranked right up there."

Antonio mashed his lips together and then wrote out some more notes. "So you realized that Danny was most likely his target? And then you got there as fast as you could?" 

"Yes. But I had to wait for the L in Rogers Park and the stop at the other end was blocks away from the JCC and the route home. I tried to text when I was on the train, but Danny never answered." Antonio had seen the texts where Kyle asked Danny to wait for him. But there had been no reply. "I don't know if he hadn't seen them or was just giving me a taste of my own medicine. I didn't want to waste time looking for him at the center so I began to run our route home."

"And that's when you saw them?"

"Yes. Brock saw me and his face lit up. I don't remember too much other than that."

"He called you blue eyes." Antonio filled in.

"Yeah, he called me that all the time. Instead of Thomas, it was always Blue Eyes. I don't know why." 

"Okay, so you stood between him and Danny and refused to move. He finally told you that if you didn't move he would shoot you too."

"And I guess he did," Kyle admitted.

"Yes, he did. But as luck would have it, Firehouse 51 had a call on the block that had nothing to do with you and their sirens probably scared him away before he could shoot Danny. He got up, from underneath you and ran for help and found Kelly who carried you to the ambulance. You had already lost a lot of blood."

"But Danny lived."

"Yes he did."

"It was the least I could do after all I had done. Being a part of all that."

Antonio sensed he was looking for validation of his efforts and he couldn't give the boy a pat on the back for doing something so dangerous. "I admire you for your enthusiasm and desire to help your fellow man, it is inspiring, but you went about it all wrong."

"But if I told you guys, Danny might be dead. If I didn't get into the group we still both may have ended up in the same place, together."

"We don't know what may or may not have happened. But every minute you were with them was an opportunity for you to get hurt or worse. As you can tell by the scar you will forever have, these guys meant business. You have had no training, you are a child and inexperienced in life and you are far from immortal and this can't happen!" Antonio explained, his voice rising as he spoke. He was speaking both as a cop and an uncle. "This can't happen again. Am I clear?"

Kyle nodded, fighting tears. "But I had to do something. I had to."

"Why? Why did you have to do something?"

"Because, all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to stand by and do nothing."

Antonio looked back at his nephew a baffled look on his face. "Where did you hear that?"

"Edmund Burke, I paraphrased, but he's right. We can't look away."

"I am not asking you to look away. I am asking you to tell an adult, tell me. I promise you I will look into it. Who is Edmund Burke anyway?"

"Every day in class someone has to share a quote and then we discuss it. That was mine a few weeks ago."

"Nice sentiment, but try not to take on the world all by yourself." He looked over at the scar on Kyle's head. "You might not be so lucky next time."

"Does Brock think he killed me?"

"We don't know. We have know idea what he is aware of or where he even is."

"I can help find him." Kyle offered.

"Like hell you will," Voight answered as he walked into the room. "Now I want you to listen to me Kyle Casey, you will not, and I repeat, not, look for or reach out in any way to this guy. Do you understand me?"

Kyle looked Voight in the eye. The man may terrify nearly everyone he came in contact with but he didn't have the same effect the eleven year old in front of him. Kyle was more than aware of the trouble between his father and the Sergeant from years ago and refused to forgive Voight of his actions. How the boy found out was anybody's guess. Perhaps there was something to forgetting kids were around and listening to all kinds of conversations not meant for their ears.

"I wouldn't know where to begin. Especially since you have my two methods of communication," Kyle said pointing to the phones that sat next to him on the table. "I just thought if you wanted to dangle me out there, I would be willing."

"Brave of you, but out of the question. We have feelers out and now that we have his picture the search will be easier."

"But what about Danny? Is he safe?"

"We have a car that's watching his house and he knows not to go anywhere alone."

"But you can't do that forever."

"We won't have to. We'll get him."

"I'm counting on it," Kyle said as he stood up.

"We'll get what we need from the phones and get them back to you," Antonio said. "But please don't try anything, I don't think the family can take it."

Kyle looked at his step-uncle and gave a half smile. "I won't. I promise."

"I'm going to hold you to it." Antonio said as he pointed his finger at Kyle. "Come here," he said pulling Kyle in for an embrace. "Get out of here and I'll check on you later. If you think of anything call me."

"I will," Kyle sighed as he walked past Voight and into the hallway where Kelly was standing. "Kelly!" Kyle yelled, his face lighting up as he ran to his godfather and threw himself into his arms.

"Just once I wish his face would light up like that when he saw me," Gabby sighed as she and Matt stepped out from the observation area behind the one-way mirror.

Matt looked at her and scoffed. "Ha, I wish his face would light up like that when he saw me."

"I knew you were back there, I just knew it," Kyle crowed.

"You did, did you?" Kelly asked. He set the boy down. "I was thinking that I haven't been to the Field Museum in a while and wouldn't mind checking it out today, if only I had someone to go with me."

"Me, me. I'll go," Kyle chirped, for once sounding his age.

"You would?" Kelly asked sounding grateful.

"Can we see the mummies and Sue?" He asked, speaking of the T-Rex named Sue.

Kelly rubbed his chin. "I suppose we could make that happen."

"Can I Dad?" He asked looking over at Matt.

"I think that would be fine. Gabby and I need to run some errands anyway. So you go have fun with Kelly, but don't overdo it."

"I won't," Kyle promised.

"When you get home I want you to get started on you schoolwork. I don't want you to fall too far behind."

"Okay," Kyle huffed.

"Have fun," Gabby said. "And say hi to Sue for me."

"I will," Kyle said as he turned to leave.

 **Matt and Gabby did have a few errands** to run, but mostly they thought it best that everyone have a break from one another. Time with Kelly always seemed to cheer Kyle up and he was in desperate need of that. Kelly had described himself as the Funcle—fun uncle. He managed to always put a smile on the boys face and Kyle hadn't been smiling much as of late. With Kyle being home bound and Matt taking off several shifts to stay with him in the hospital and then back at home, a bit of fresh air for them both was needed.

"You okay?" Kelly asked when the got back to the Casey's apartment.

"Yeah just kind of tired."

They had hit Kyle's favorite exhibits but the boy didn't last much longer than that, saying he was tired and his head was beginning to pound. Kelly noticed that he didn't have his usual zip and seemed pale. He still wasn't eating much and the weight he had dropped since being shot was more than obvious on his small frame. With his sutures showing themselves like flags waving in the breeze he knew that Kyle felt self-conscious about his appearance.

Once back at home, Kelly made him a peanut butter sandwich—his favorite and helped him get started on his schoolwork. Matt had texted saying that he would be home in about an hour and Kelly replied there was no rush. He felt as if Kyle was a fragile flower in the rain and was fighting to stay upright during a downpour.

Kyle scribbled away for several minutes and then put his pen down. "I'm tired."

"Can you finish the page?"

"What do you think my punishment will be?" Kyle asked as he put his head down on the table.

"For not finishing your homework?" Kelly asked.

"No, for everything. My Dad knows everything I did. Sneaking out, lying."

"I don't know. But I wouldn't worry about that right now. He just wants you to feel better."

"I wonder what would have happened if I had told you that night. That night you were here with me and I was so hateful and obnoxious and you had to send me to my room. I was so close to telling you, but I think I purposely was bad so you would send me away and I wouldn't tell you. Because if I did then I would lose control of the situation. It wasn't that I was afraid of getting into trouble, it was because when my Dad and Gabby found about Hannah, I never saw her again."

"You were afraid if you told then—"

"Then nothing would have happened and Danny would be dead."

Kelly took a deep breath, mostly because he had no idea what to say. The kid may very well be right. There were threats everywhere and without specific knowledge the situation wouldn't have been a priority. "Have you spoken with Danny?"

"He visited me at the hospital a couple of times. His mom cried and told me thank you for saving him. But I had to, it was my fault he was almost shot."

"How do you figure that?"

Kyle sat back up and shrugged. "I don't know, because I was with the people that did it? Because I look like the people that did it?"

"You don't own what they did. It was not your fault. His mom was right, you saved him."

"But I was with them. I mean I wasn't sharing their beliefs, but I was with them. And even though it saved Danny I can't separate one from the other. I'm tired. I'm going to lie down." Kyle said abruptly.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

A half hour later Matt came home alone. He saw Kelly on the couch watching TV. "Gabby dropped me off and went to work at Molly's. Where's Kyle?"

"He felt tired, he wanted to take a nap. I checked on him a few minutes ago, he was sleeping."

Matt walked down the hall and went through the open doorway as he still hadn't put the door back on its hinges. He looked down at Kyle who was laying on his side, his wound staring back at Matt. The sight of it caused an involuntary shudder to go through him. He had been so close, so close to losing him and the mere thought of it had kept him up every night since it had happened. The near tragedy crept up on him like a stalker that refused to leave him alone. If he managed to push it away for a moment it would tap him on the shoulder and wash right back over him. It took him back to the struggles that he had endured after Hallie's death.

He stood and watched Kyle's deep breathing before he stepped back out of the doorless room and returned to the living room.

Kelly was waiting with two beers in his hand. Matt sat down on the couch while Kelly took the nearby chair. "Is he still sleeping?"

"Yeah. He gets pretty tired during the day."

"When will he go back to school?"

"I don't know yet. He goes back to the doctor the day after tomorrow and we'll know more then. But there was talk of maybe starting out with half days. Life will have to return to normal and I desperately want it to, but at the same time it terrifies me."

"I can imagine. We all miss you at work, but stay with your son as long as you need to."

Matt took a drink and then sat back, his emotions bleeding through on his face. "I don't even know what to do. I'm so lost Kelly. I think we're on the same page. I think he's responding to being disciplined and then he goes off the rails again. I don't know what to do. This last year has been such a nightmare. I take away his electronics and he reads or goes for long walks. I ground him from going outside the house and fills his time by building a Lego tower that could actually be lived in. Last summer he had built an entire Saxon village out of cardboard and Popsicle sticks."

"Damn him for his creativity and ability to not depend on modern electronics." Kelly said.

"I know right?" Matt said as he looked off into the distance. He shrugged his shoulders as if he were cold. "You think your parents have all the answers when you're a kid. But I don't have any answers. I don't even have a damn clue. What do I do?"

"I wish I had the answers. He's a headstrong kid."

"You aren't kidding."

"He's so much like you. Don't deny it. He knew he was in trouble but he put his friends needs ahead of his own as well as those he didn't even know. He took a cause and put right on his shoulders. And we both know that Danny would most likely be dead if Kyle hadn't stuck it out. He can't walk away if there is even the slightest chance that he can help."

Matt shook his head and set his beer down on the coffee table and sat back only to sit back up and grab the beer again and hold it between his two hands.

"Remember when you got your head injury years ago?" Kelly began. "Chief had ordered us all out and you were on your way but heard a crying baby. You went back despite the orders—there was no way you were going to walk away from a child or anyone in need. You saved her, but it nearly cost you your life. And there were no regrets and no doubt that you have done the very same thing again."

"But it was my job. It is my job." Matt stated.

"And Kyle feels protecting the world is his. He is emulating you, the hero he perceives his father to be. But he has to do it in his own way."

Matt brushed a tear away from his eye. "Right after Hallie died—just days after, I hadn't been sleeping, so much had been going on—my head was a mess. I had tried to explain as much as I could to Kyle about what had happened, but what does a six year old understand about death. He was confused and couldn't understand why I was so agitated.

"One afternoon I was sitting on the couch with some kind of cartoon on TV that he was ignoring as he played on the floor in front of me with his trucks. He was in a bulldozer, dump truck phase. I was so tired, I put my head back and just wanted to close my eyes for a minute. But the minute turned into fifteen and when I woke up Kyle was gone. I looked all over the apartment but he wasn't inside. I went out to the hallway and to the backdoor. That place had that small patch of dirt in the back. Some of the tenants would grill out there and host small get-togethers, it wasn't much good for anything else. But occasionally I would sit out there with Kyle while he would dig in the dirt and put his little army men in formation, so he knew how to get there.

"Anyway, the door had a window and I looked out and saw him sitting there. He had dragged out one of his trucks with him but he wasn't playing with it. I watched him for a second while trying to regain my composure after I had been on the brink of a panic attack. As I stood there I saw him light a match from a small box of them that he had in his hands. I couldn't believe he had the dexterity to even accomplish the feat. Then he picked up a dead leaf that was nearby and set it on fire. He dropped the match and just watched the leaf burn until it got close to the stem and then he dropped it. It was as if I was frozen, the mind, body connection was on slow speed. Finally I snapped out of it and threw the door open and stepped outside and hauled him up to his feet. He tried to hide the box of matches but of course there was no point."

Matt paused and seemed to reflect on the incident from years ago. "He's a firefighters son, he had been told so many times to never play with fire. He knew how dangerous it was, he knew what had just happened to his mother. I never wanted to be the father that my dad was."

"And you aren't," Kelly assured.

"But I just snapped. I had never laid a hand on him before, but some kind of primal response poured out of me."

"You had just lost Hallie, you were exhausted and he was doing something dangerous Matt. You are not your father, you will never be your father. And hell, maybe getting his ass handed to him was exactly what he needed. Call me old fashioned but you know that I believe if a kid needs a gentle physical reminder occasionally of who's in charge then so be it."

Matt blinked back tears as he set his beer back down on the table. "I was still so mad at Hallie. She was supposed have had him that day. You know we were trying to reconcile. But I had told her that she needed to spend more time with Kyle if it was going to work. She had gone to South America and I thought now that she was back she was ready to settle down a little bit more. But then she started working at the clinic and I could tell she really enjoyed it so I didn't discourage her. But that day—she had agreed to work before she had realized that it was her day with Kyle. She had even told him that she had made plans for them—the zoo I think. But once she committed to working it was too late to find someone else. The hardest part was that Kyle didn't even seem all that disappointed, it was if he expected it. But she had told me that after work she would pick him up and take him out for dinner. I never told him, because I didn't want to risk him being disappointed if he was stood up again. I texted the babysitter from work and sure enough she hadn't showed up. Then we got the call to the fire at the clinic and I realized why she never showed. If only she had remembered her visitation with Kyle she would still be alive. Then I look out and see him playing with fire."

"He wanted to see what took his mother. What was responsible for her death. And what his dad battled every day. Where did he get the matches?"

"Apparently they had been on top of a small charcoal grill that was out there. I was so afraid that he'd hate me. But that night after he got ready for bed he brought a book out to me and climbed in my lap and wanted me to read to him. And when I tucked him in he wanted me to stay until he fell asleep."

"Sounds like he recovered pretty well."

"How do we recover from this?" Matt asked as he looked down at the floor.

"I recently read something about how a mother's love can fix anything. But I also think a father's love, a step-mother's love and a family friends love can do the same thing."

Matt looked over at Kelly and just studied him for a second. "Friend? You're blood and stuck with us forever." Kelly looked over his eyes uncertain. "Do you get that? You're blood."

Kelly nodded. "I think that way too. We're blood. But Matt, I'm afraid that Kyle is still playing with matches and now the fire is out of control."


	30. Bulletproof

_**I'll probably be taking the next couple of weeks off from posting, but don't worry there is much more to come. I thank all of you who have sent reviews, I greatly appreciate them.**_

 **Bulletproof**

The doctor had given Kyle the green light to go back to school that Monday for four hours each day. He wasn't sure how ready he was but with his stitches out he felt a little bit better about his return. He also was allowed to wear a hat if he wanted, so each day he wore a CFD hat that Matt had brought home from work except for one day he wore a CPD hat that Antonio had given him. He knew kids were looking at him, pointing at him. He knew he as the subject of nearly every conversation. And by the end of the week his patience was wearing thin.

The official story was that he was a victim of a random attack and that was easy enough to pull off as it wasn't all that an uncommon occurrence in the city. He basically wanted to leave it all behind and pretend none of it had happened. Matt had set up a session with Dr. Sawyer but Kyle barely spoke and despite her best efforts she just couldn't get him to open up and suggested they try again in a couple of weeks.

Even with only going a half-day, the work, the effort to get through the day and the exertion it took to pretend he wasn't at the center of everyone's attention was really getting to Kyle. It felt as if the tension was building and Kyle could only stand by and watch it grow. He had gone down to the Levine's house where Rachel had presented him with a new bracelet to replace the one that they had cut off at the hospital. Both of Danny's parents gushed over him with their gratitude, but Danny seemed to be happy enough just staying in the background, hardly meeting Kyle's eye. Kyle just wanted things to be like they had been, but now he feared they never would be.

One night Kelly had stopped by to check on Kyle and Gabby opened the door. "Hey. I just wanted to see how things were going?"

"Okay. Kyle's in his room. He's almost always in his room these days."

"He okay?" Kelly asked.

"I honestly don't know. I don't think Danny is quite sure how to act around him and it's really thrown him for a loop. That along with the kids at school treating him like some kind of pariah, albeit a fascinating one, he's all out of patience. He still gets stabbing headaches and his hearing will go from being muffled at times to acute where everything feels way too loud."

"Poor kid. Do they know when the side effects will stop?"

Gabby shrugged. "They have no idea when or if they will. Each case is different. But all this is definitely pushing the kid to the edge."

"Is Matt around?" 

"No. He's working a job right now. He's tried to schedule things around our schedule so that one of is with Kyle except for shift day." Kelly nodded. "You better go say hi to him. If he finds out you were here and didn't see him he'll be mad."

But just as Kelly started to head that way they heard a huge crash come for Kyle's room. They both took off and since there was still no door it was easy to see what was going on. Kyle was throwing his books around and shoving everything off of his dresser and desk. Kelly ran over and grabbed him, holding Kyle's back against his chest and crossing his arms and holding the boy's wrists rendering him unable to break free. He backed up and sat down on the bed and tried to get him to settle down. "Shhh...you're okay, it's okay."

"What happened?" Gabby asked.

"What happened!? Everything happened. The kids at school are isolating me, Danny hates me and I still don't understand why people will hate others simply because they can't like themselves. Oh and apparently I'm bulletproof."

"You did a beautiful thing Kyle and you shouldn't feel punished for it." Gabby explained.

"This is all my fault. Danny hates me and it's my fault."

"He doesn't hate you," Kelly said maintaining his grip.

"Those people justify their actions with unjustifiable rationale and they can't even understand that. They break everything around them and laugh as people try to pick up the pieces. But there's not enough people to pick up pieces that never should have been broken in the first place. You know what I learned in English class today? Huh, you know what poetic sentence I wrote down in my workbook?"

Gabby had begun to cry, tears spilling down her face as she saw Kyle's anguish. Kelly continued to hold on tightly, not yielding any control. "What did you write?" Gabby asked.

"I wrote that my heart is heavy with another man's beliefs and another man's hate."

"Look at me baby. Tell me why you are so upset right now. Did something happen or is just because everything has been building up?"

Kyle looked down at the floor to where is phone was. Gabby picked it up and saw a thread where Kyle had texted Danny at least twice each day but each day there was no response until today. _**"Please leave me alone"**_

"I feel like I am screaming in his ear and he is just ignoring me. He wouldn't even look at me when I was at his house. The kids at school have texted me pictures of Frankenstein and who knows what they are saying behind my back. It's like the world is all blurry and the pieces just don't fit together anymore. I can run, but I'm not even sure what I'm running from," Kyle said and then threw his head back against Kelly hitting it against the man's chest.

"Kyle don't do that, you can't hit your head," Gabby begged. But Kyle continued, making Kelly shift his restraint technique so he could pin Kyle's head against his chest preventing him from throwing back.

"I'll call Matt," Gabby said heading off to look for her phone before she realized that she could use Kyle's that was already in her hand.

Thankfully Matt wasn't far and was home in less than fifteen minutes. He had been able to reach Dr. Sawyer through her emergency number and she said she'd meet them at her office immediately. Gabby had checked the back of Kyle's head, concerned that he had reopened the wound but thankfully it healed well enough that it had remained closed. She palpated it and felt that bones were still knitted together.

Both she and Kelly had been shaken at Kyle's behavior. Kelly had finally let go of Kyle but sat right next to him until Matt had showed up. And when they left for the doctor's office he went along to sit with Kyle in the backseat just in case the kid got any wild ideas. Gabby decided to stay behind and try to put Kyle's room back together.

After a ninety minute session the first twenty being nearly silent the doctor got Kyle to open up at least a little bit. But it was clear to her that Kyle knew just what to say. Matt had relayed to her what Kyle had said about never be safe or saved and of course about trying to hurt himself which had scared Matt most of all. What if Kelly hadn't been there? What if Kyle had done something else to hurt himself? The final blow of Danny brushing him off sent the boy reeling to a place where he really didn't care about anything anymore.

"I'm not a danger to myself. I just got mad," he had told the doctor. His arms had been crossed nearly the entire session and he stared at the floor as he spoke.

"But you know you have to be careful with your head. In fact the doctor told you no sports for at least a year in order to protect it and you banged it around several times."

"I told you I was just mad."

"Because Danny rejected you?"

"Because the ends didn't justify the means. Because he can't forgive me for what I did."

"For saving him?" She questioned.

"No, for being with those white supremacists. For betraying him first."

"It's a complicated situation."

"I know. That's all I ever do—complicate things. I can never just skip school or shoplift like other kids my age—no, that would be too easy. I hate myself."

"No, you hate some of your choices. But these choices, although they are done with the best intentions are just too big for any one person to handle especially one of such tender age."

"I talked to you now I want to go home."

"You did talk to me and I think it was great that you did. But like I said I'm concerned about you Kyle and so is your family."

"I won't hurt myself. I swear. I'm never alone anyway and I don't even have a door on my bedroom. Besides if you put me in the hospital I'll never live it down. I'm Frankenstein now, I'll be crazy Frankenstein if that happens. Though they don't even get the fact that they are calling me Frankenstein and actually that's the doctor. I think they are meaning to call me Frankenstein's monster."

Dr. Sawyer looked at him with concern, but she understood. "You are not a monster do you understand that?"

Kyle nodded but then looked away so she wouldn't see the tear winding its way down his face. She left Kyle in her office and went to talk to Matt.

Matt and Kelly who had both been mindlessly flipping through the same magazine for the last hour jumped up when the doctor came through the door. "How is he?" Matt asked.

"Smart enough to tell me what I want to hear. I'm glad you brought him in. I think he understood that he needed to start letting go of some of his emotions. There is no doubt that Danny's rejection caused him to snap."

"Why would Danny do that?" Kelly asked.

"I don't think he's doing it to be mean. Danny went through a very traumatic event. He was accosted and threatened and feared for his life. Then he saw his best friend shot and nearly die by a bullet that was meant for him. He may very well feel that this is his fault, just as Kyle feels it's his. I can't tell you exactly what he is feeling or why he is pushing Kyle away without talking to him myself, but Danny is a victim too and has a lot to figure out. He must be a very confused boy and probably suffering from PTSD."

"Do you think Kyle is?" Matt asked.

"Suffering from PTSD? Probably not. I don't see the signs. He still doesn't remember the actual shooting. What I see is a massive amount of frustration. He's angry that despite saving Danny his friendship seems to be in limbo. He's upset that he couldn't have done more good, by figuring out their ultimate plan. And I'm sure he's struggling with the physical aspect that he has had to endure. The injury, being looked at differently. He's a good looking kid and most likely never worried about his appearance until now. Add to all that to the fact that the man who did this is still roaming around out there—well it all has to be quite unsettling."

"Do you think he—he might hurt himself?" Matt asked.

The doctor sighed. "That's a hard one. Kyle is a very bright boy, but not only that, he has a high emotional intelligence. He knows what the right thing to say is and he is saying it. He fears that if he is committed he'll never live it down and he may be right. Kids find out about everything and they can be very cruel. They don't deal with "different" well." She said using air quotes for the word different. "So on that note, I really hesitate to hospitalize him. But what scares me is the fact that he feels he failed and that he is focusing on everything that has gone wrong. What he told you Kelly, that apparently he is bulletproof is what concerns me the most. The way he said it—and he did admit to me that he said it—makes me feel as if he wished he wasn't, that perhaps his death would have been better.

"Honestly I'm torn. He definitely needs a change. Time away from his routine, away from normal. Even away from the city."

"I can do that," Matt said. "I'll do whatever he needs."

"How has he been around you?" Dr. Sawyer asked.

"Quiet. Like he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I haven't punished him for anything that happened other than taking his bedroom door of its hinges which I did the night before he was shot—the night he was out."

The doctor nodded. "As for the discipline I think it's great that you're waiting. Right now he is tormented enough. I wish I could give you advice on when and what would be best, but I think you will know. You're a great father Matt and don't doubt yourself now. You know your son the best and I'm sure you'll handle him just as he needs to be."

Matt looked as if he was deep in thought. Then he looked over at Kelly. "How was he when you took him to the museum?"

"Fine. I mean he tired out quickly, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. He was even somewhat talkative. Why?"

"Did he talk about me?"

"When we got home he asked me what I thought his punishment might be. But nothing specifically about you. Why?"

"I just feel like he's on guard whenever I'm around. I told him we would have a long talk at some point, but to just focus on getting back into a routine. But it seems like he doesn't believe me. I just—well maybe getting out of town will help, but maybe getting away from me will as well."

"I can take him," Kelly offered. "I'll take him to Starved Rock. I'm sure I can get a cabin there. We can spend a few days in nature and quiet solitude."

The doctor looked at Kelly. "You need to understand the enormous responsibility you'll be undertaking. I know that you have a very strong relationship and he absolutely adores you. In fact I was happy to finally meet you as I have heard so much about you. But you will have to watch his every move and be prepared for anything. He may pull you close or he may push you away. He may not know exactly what he wants. He might shut down or he may lash out. He might push every button you have to try and get a reaction out of you so that he can react to that. He is hurting and he is confused."

"I won't let him out of my sight."

"You have to understand that you can't. Not for a minute. Kids are impulsive and have no sense of mortality. He may act reckless and then seem surprised that he got hurt or worse."

"I understand. I do."

"Okay then. Get my number from Matt and don't hesitate to call if you need to. Matt you have to make sure that Kyle understands this isn't a rejection but something that you believe is the best thing for him. I know that he loves Kelly dearly, but he may see it as you not wanting him around."

"I won't push him, it will have to be his decision," Matt said. "And if he wants me to go then that's fine. I just want to help him."

"And you will." Dr. Sawyer said as she looked back at her closed office door.

 _ **To be continued...**_


	31. Nature Vs Nurture

**Nature vs Nurture**

" **There shouldn't be too many people in the park** between being in the middle of the week and the time of year, we may have the place almost to ourselves." Kelly said. "Do you remember when I brought you here a couple of summers ago?"

Kyle nodded as he continued to look out of the window at the passing scenery. The air was damp and the sky was gray, but he had felt a bit lighter as they left the city. "Do they still have the pool at the lodge?"

"I'm sure they do. And that huge fireplace. It was too warm for a fire then, but I bet they have it going now. Your dad downloaded a bunch of movies on your tablet for you."

"Oh yeah, no TV in the cabins," Kyle remembered. "I brought a couple of books."

"Good thinking."

"Sometimes I just want to sleep, but then I can't. Do you think they'll catch Brock?" Kyle said, his sentences meandering all over the place. Something that had been happening with his thought process lately. Whether it had a physical cause or an emotional one nobody knew.

"Knowing Voight, I have no doubt that they will."

An hour later they were checked in and inside their cabin. It held two queen sized beds and a bathroom. But like Kyle remembered, no TV. Central air and heat along with the indoor plumbing was as fancy as it got. But they managed to get the cabin that was close to the canyon-side and was somewhat apart from the others.

"How about a walk? We have a few hours before sundown and we can work up an appetite for dinner."

"Okay," Kyle agreed although he sounded somewhat subdued.

"Dress warmly."

It was still winter and while the temperatures were closer to to the bottom of the thermometer than the top, it was bearable. Hats, gloves, zipped coats and motion kept them both warm as they followed a path that began at the lodge. Kelly had the map in his pocket and traced a short hike, just enough to get the blood flowing and hopefully put Kyle a little at ease.

"Remember when we had that fire with the fatality while you were at the firehouse? You played some music and we danced and all relaxed and ended the day so much better than we ever thought we could?"

"Yeah, I remember. Is this a version of that for me?"

"Kind of. We felt bad that we were unable to save that person, but rehashing it and allowing it to keep us down wasn't going to help anyone. Not us, not the people affected by our next call. You gave us a gift and you have no idea how much we appreciated it and how much we needed it."

"Don't expect me to start dancing with you," Kyle said looking over with the slightest smile on his face. The first hint of one Kelly had seen in weeks.

"Oh, we'll see about that," Kelly said reaching for the boy who side-stepped the action and began to plod up the hill.

"Be careful it might be slippery."

"I will."

They trudged upward until the view was close to breathtaking despite the clouds. "What would it be like to see this every day? Would it renew your faith in the world and its contents or would just become mundane?"

"I guess it depends on the person who's looking."

"Perspective is everything isn't it?" 

"Yes, I suppose it is."

 **After their hike they ate dinner** **at the lodge** , steak for Kelly and pasta with sauce and no meatballs for Kyle. Later, back at the cabin Kelly asked Kyle if he wanted to go over to the lodge and use the pool or hot tub. He knew he wouldn't mind using the small sauna but he recalled reading something about how kids couldn't regulate their body heat as well as adults and shouldn't use them before puberty. So that option was out since he there was no way he could leave Kyle unattended.

"If you want to go to the lodge go ahead. I'm not going to run away. Dying in the dark, cold woods doesn't seem appealing." Kyle said as he flipped a page in the book he was reading as he lay on the bed. Kelly looked over at him causing Kyle to look up. "Let me rephrase, dying at all doesn't seem appealing.

"I know you're supposed to keep an eye on me. A very close eye. Which you have. You haven't let me get more than three feet away from you."

"You're not used to it out here and it would be easy to get lost."

"Yeah, with all the well marked trails and all. Besides, you could get lost." Kyle said as he set his book down and swung his feet around and sat up.

"But I have the map," he said waggling his eyebrows up and down pulling out the rudimentary map.

"That looks like something that should be on one of those restaurant place mats that come with crayons." Kyle scoffed.

"Yeah it kind of does." Kelly said smiling. "Actually I'm kind of tired. What did your dad download anyway?" He asked as he picked up the tablet Kyle had gotten for Christmas.

"Guardians of the Galaxy 2, two Batman movies, and a few other things."

"Well pick one and start it up." Kelly said as he pushed Kyle over and hopped onto the bed and stretched out. 

**The next morning Kyle was up early** and Kelly was grateful he had heard the first movements of the boy. Years of being a firefighter as well as having guests and being a guest in different beds caused him generally wake up at the slightest sound. He had debated about pushing the dresser in front of the only door that led outside but ultimately decided against it. Kyle knew he was being watched carefully as well as why he was being so closely monitored and didn't feel the need to throw it in the boys face or create a safety hazard. But he admittedly didn't sleep all that soundly, listening every time the boy moved in bed and every shift of his body.

After a breakfast of fruit and protein bars Kelly decided they would drive a couple miles down the road to another park that had some great trails. It had a waterfall and creeks you could cross over by stepping on rocks. He couldn't allow Kyle to get any older without the boy partaking in this particular rite of passage.

The sky was a brilliant blue with just a scattering of half-hearted clouds. The temperature was still chilly but it felt good, rejuvenating. Kyle had remained quiet, speaking only when spoken to and although he kept up, Kelly felt that there was no enthusiasm and little enjoyment. So far this adventure was a big flop. He needed the kid to open up, to at least attempt at releasing some of the confusion and rage he was holding tightly.

"Look at the waterfall," Kelly pointed out. "I bet that water is cold. They have a few waterfall's at Starved Rock but there's rarely water coming down. Maybe a trickle."

"Then how are they waterfall's if no water is falling?" Kyle asked.

"Good question. I guess because when water does fall, it's appropriately named. Go stand over there so I can take your picture," Kelly said pointing to an area next to the waterfall.

Kyle did as he was told but coaxing a smile was beyond reach. So Kelly snapped a few pictures of a boy who clearly was still deeply in pain. "So if you can't fix me during this trip then what?"

"Fixing you? Dude, nobody can fix you but yourself. This was just a chance to shake things up and give you a chance to breath and relax a little. You know I'm here if you need to talk."

"I'd open up to you more than my dad." Kyle said, unsure if it was a question or a statement.

"You're dad hoped that you would relax more if you came with me. If you want him here just say the word. You know he loves you so much."

"I know he does." Kyle said as he walked away from the waterfall barely glancing at it.

 **They walked back to the car** and headed back to the lodge for lunch. Kelly wanted something more than a makeshift lunch and insisted on a sit-down meal. "They only have two things I can eat on the menu, and now, I have eaten the both," Kyle said taking a bite out of his black bean burger.

"We'll head into town tonight. I'm sure there is a Chinese restaurant. I'll even try tofu if you want."

"Try it don't try it. Whatever," Kyle sighed.

The more time that went by the more worried Kelly became. Kyle didn't seem to be the least bit interested at opening up in any way. In fact he looked more depressed than when they had first arrived. Kyle had to know if he didn't at least try to open up he may not have a choice about being hospitalized. But then again Kelly knew that depression wasn't something that you just snapped out of. Maybe he should try and push the kid a little to see what where the conversation might go.

They finished up and Kelly paid the bill. He had told Matt that he would call but hadn't had the opportunity yet, so when they stepped out of the restaurant area and into the sitting area that held the huge fireplace he slowed down. There was a gift shop behind him and hoped that Kyle would decided to check one or the other out so he could have a few private moments to call.

"Can I sit by the fire?" Kyle asked.

"Absolutely," Kelly said, pleased that Kyle made the request. "I'm going to call Stella and see what's going on back at home."

"Right,sure," Kyle said knowing that Stella was code word for Matt. He went over and sat down on the couch that faced the fireplace which, like the one in the restaurant was blazing away. An older man sat on the other end of the couch looking at his smartphone.

"Hi there," the man said as he saw Kyle sit down.

"I should have asked if this seat was taken," Kyle said remembering his manners.

"Well aren't you polite. No, it is not taken. Help yourself. I'm Peter," he said extending his hand.

Kyle reached over and shook the mans hand. "Kyle."

"Where are you from Kyle?"

"Chicago."

"The burbs or the city?"

"The city. My dad works for the city so we have to live there. Where do you live?"

"Springfield. Much more boring than Chicago."

"We're taking a field trip there when I'm in eighth grade. We're supposed to go to the Abraham Lincoln museum and his house and the capitol building and New Salem I think."

"That's a lot of one field trip."

"We get to spend the night."

"Well, I think you'll like all those places. Are you down here on break?"

"Something like that," Kyle said as he looked over at Kelly who was still talking on his phone. A woman walked by him and came over.

"Peter tell me who your new friend is." She said as she stopped in front of the couch.

"This is Kyle. He's from Chicago."

"Well hello Kyle. I'm Leslie, Peter's wife."

"Nice to meet you," Kyle said standing up and offering his hand.

"What a lovely young man," she commented as she shook Kyle's hand. "Have you been hiking yet?"

"Yes. We've done a couple of trails. We just got back from Matthiessen state park. It was really cool."

"It must have worn you out. You look tired." She said.

"I guess so."

"You ready bud," Kelly called out from his spot near the gift shop.

"I want to walk the trail to Starved Rock." Kyle replied.

"We're in Starved Rock."

"No, I want to be on the actual rock. The one that this park was named for."

"Okay, we will, but first let me chill for a bit then we'll tackle it. You can learn about the legend while I rest."

"Okay," Kyle sighed. "Maybe I'll see you later." He said to Peter and Leslie before he turned and walked away. From his spot Kelly smiled and waved at the older couple that remained back at the fireplace.

"I think that was the saddest little boy I have ever met," Leslie said. "Any bad vibes from the father?"

"No, none." Pete answered as he watched Kelly and Kyle go through the doors and back to the outside.

"Poor kid. Something is going on with him." She said.

"Hopefully time in nature will pull it from him."

"Perhaps we should walk the trail to 'the' Starved Rock this afternoon."

"Sounds like a great plan," Peter agreed.

 **After a brief rest period the two once again** took off for the trail that would lead them the "Starved Rock."

"So what did your research tell you?" Kelly asked as they reached the summit. He had kept quiet, not pushing Kyle but now that they were at the top he thought it was time to get him to start talking. They had passed one couple who were heading down but other than that the place was blissfully empty.

"The same story as today. Revenge, one warrior killed another tribes leader and they pursued the 'guilty' tribe up the rock and there they stayed, unable to come down and they ended up starving to death."

"Harsh."

"Yeah. I guess modern day drive-bys are more humane, at least you die quickly."

"Vengeance is never good."

"Yet people remain insistent on trying to accomplish it. Why do people hate others because they simply can't face the fact that it is themselves that they hate?"

"Because it's easier than facing themselves for what they are?" Kelly guessed.

"I made a choice that I could live with." Kyle said suddenly as he crept towards the edge. "In our last days we will look back and ask ourselves, what we have done and what we have not done. I have to be satisfied that I did what I needed to."

"I think you have," Kelly assured, happy that Kyle was talking but terrified that he was so close to the edge. He couldn't see how far down the ground was but he knew they had climbed up quite a ways.

"I know she loved me. I could see it in her eyes sometimes." Kyle began, once again quickly shifting gears. Once I went to Toby's house—you know that kid I punched in the face—his step-mother looked at him as if she wished he would disappear. My mom never looked at me like that. More like, I was fine where I was at and should just stay there. After she died and I was with her family I understood it more.

"They aren't bad people, but not all warm and fuzzy either. Everything and everyone had its place."

"Did you ever spend much time with them?" Kelly asked trying to work his way closer to Kyle.

"Not really. A few brunches at their house when Hallie had time," Kyle said using his mothers first name. If he had done that before Kelly wasn't aware of it. "I was more of a show piece than anything else. It's like they don't hug, they just wave from a distance.

"After her death my grandfather took me to a few Cub's games. His company has great seats."

"Nothing lately?"

"I told him no thanks. There was no use in pretending. I think he offered to pay my school tuition but my dad declined. I guess he didn't want to pretend either."

Kyle looked backwards, behind him. "It's amazing, the razor thin difference between life and death. Do you think about it? Standing on the edge of forever? That's a silly question," Kyle continued answering his own question. "You see it every third day. You see it yourself, you see it in your coworkers and you see it in the people that you save. Death is so abrupt. One minute you're alive the next you're not."

"Very true," Kelly answered. "We should treasure the life that we have been given."

"I have been broken for a long time. But I think you already knew that. When my mom died I lost the chance to impress her. I'll never get that opportunity back."

"What do you mean impress her? You didn't need to impress her."

"Didn't I? Was I worth anything to her? Mostly I'm surprised she even had me. I mean, she could have had an abortion, kept my dad in the dark, yet she didn't."

Kelly tried to keep his expression neutral, but apparently failed as Kyle keyed in on the flicker that had crossed his face. Unfortunately the boy knew him too well. "She was going to wasn't she? She was going to let me go, pretend I never existed. Did she tell you?" Kyle asked remarkably calm.

"No, of course not."

"What changed her plans?" Unsure how to respond Kelly remained quiet. "Tell me!" Kyle yelled stepping backwards towards the edge.

"Kyle, please stay where you are." Kelly said trying to make his way towards him.

"Tell me! She was going to to do it, but didn't. What happened?" Kyle said, now on the edge. "Tell me!"

"Okay, just stay right there." Kelly begged. Kyle remained rooted where he was as Kelly explained what he had overheard at the hospital that day so long ago.

Kyle just stood still and listened, his face almost without emotion.

"But you are here and worth every second of it. You are loved very much, by so many people. And your mother loved you."

"Then why didn't she remember? Why didn't she remember that it was supposed to be our day together. She said we'd go to the zoo, she promised. But then she agreed to work like our plans never mattered. And she died because I wasn't worth remembering. Wasn't worth being born, not worth remembering."

Kelly had inched his way forward but was still several feet from Kyle.

"If I had been a better kid, more worthy, maybe she would have remembered and she would still be alive."

"What!? You can't think that way. What happened was a tragedy, but in no way your fault. It was never your fault."

"That's why you stepped up isn't it? That's why you became such a big part of my life."

"I became a big part of your life for one reason and one reason only."

"Which is?" Kyle asked.

"Because I love you," Kelly answered. "I have loved you since the first minute I first saw you. You can ask your dad. I made you promises before you could even hold your head up. Promises to be together, to be in your life. Kid. I need you as much or more as you need me."

Behind him there was noise and then familiar voice. "Is that my new friend Kyle?" Peter had asked causing Kyle to look over and gave Kelly the opportunity he needed. He lunged forward and looped his arm around the back of Kyle and pulled him forward towards him and safety, both landing on the ground.

Kelly wasn't even aware that he was crying until his tears hit his hands, which were embracing Kyle. One arm was around the boy and the other was tangled in Kyle's hair. They both sat and fought their emotions as the couple gave them a few moments alone. Pete came back and made sure Kelly was okay with Kyle and then they retreated back from where they had come.

After taking several moments to collect themselves, they made their way to an overlook and took in the beauty from behind the safety of a barrier.

"Did my dad know about what she had been thinking?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know, but I doubt it."

"I'm here because he was sick. Saved by the stomach flu," Kyle joked weakly.

"We don't know that for sure. Just because she had entertained the idea doesn't mean that she would have gone through with it."

Kyle just stared out across the bare treetops. "The world is so different when there is nobody in it."

"The world would be different if you weren't in it. Let me make this clear young man, don't you ever pull a stunt like that again. It's okay to be upset, it's okay to be angry, it's even okay to demand answers, but it is not okay to be reckless. Do you have any idea how close you were to the edge?"

Kyle continued to look straight ahead. He finally sighed and looked at Kelly. "When you're little you think the monsters are under your bed. But in reality they are in your head."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I know exactly how close I was to the edge I was." He then turned and began to walk back down the trail.

 **Kelly hesitated trying to wrap his mind around the last ten minutes.** Kyle had walked ahead but could still be seen. He had stopped and was looking into the sky. After a moment Kelly caught up with the boy.

"Eagles," Kyle pointed upwards. "I've never seen them in real life."

"Yeah, they're very majestic." Kelly answered still shaken.

Kyle turned and looked Kelly in the eye. "I'm sorry. But this world is so fucked up."

"It has its problems."

"I'm sorry," Kyle repeated.

"You already said that."

"I already knew."

"You knew what?"

"I knew what I made you tell me. About her considering an abortion."

"How the hell did you know?" Kelly asked, his eyes wide and held confusion.

"When we were getting ready to move years ago, there was box with her name on it. On the top were some old notebooks, a few clothes. I guess my dad just hadn't gotten rid of it—couldn't get rid of it.

"One night I couldn't sleep. There were boxes all over the house and yet I went right to hers. I opened it up and began to take out each item. At the bottom there was a journal. I don't know what made me open it, but I did. There it was in black and white. It said something like 'I'm pregnant but Matt discovered the test results and the decision is no longer mine. I am now captive of what is inside me.' There was more, but it hardly seemed important."

"Then why did you make me say it? If you already knew, why make me—"

"Why did I make you tell me? Because I needed to know that I wasn't just making it up—that the words were real. I needed to know that I hadn't conjured them up in my head. I needed the validation. I had a few good memories and that gave me hope that there could have been more. It's all fuzzy now, I thought maybe that discovery had been as well."

Kyle turned back and searched for the eagles. "I couldn't save her Kelly."

"I told you, it wasn't your job. Shit just happens."

"I couldn't save her," Kyle said again.

"You couldn't save her so you feel you have to save everyone else."

"Yes. Just like you do, just like my dad does. She saved people. They were the important ones. Maybe I thought if I heard you say it it would make the loss easier. Maybe I need to hate her to be able to let go."

Kelly just shook his head. "I'm sorry if I used you," Kyle said turning back around to look at Kelly. "You brought me here to help me—to work a miracle. I'm quiet and you want me to open up. I open up but it's messy—it's all messy, life, love. You've lost, I've lost and sometimes life just smashes you open, leaving you raw and bleeding. I tried to help and look where it got me—love isn't infallible, it lashes out, it gets broken and sometimes it can't be repaired."

"And sometimes it can." Kelly answered squinting into the distance.

"It's all so contradictory."

"What is?"

"This world, this life. You purge your sins and they sharpen the knife."

"Where do come up with these sayings?"

"I read."

Kelly shook his head. "Well maybe you ought to give it rest for now. Or read something light and easy-going."

"That's exactly what I mean. Society hates you if your smart, but they also despise a fool. Eat your vegetables, but say that's all you want to eat and there's a huge freak out. Why does everything have to be perched dead center. Life is real but there isn't much reality in it."

 **The walked back to the cabin in solitude,** dinner later that evening was quiet as well. The two hardly looked at each other trying to digest what had been said back on the trail. It was much harder to process the words than the food that they consumed.

After they had been back at the cabin for a half hour after dinner Kelly tossed Kyle his swim trunks. "We're going to the pool. I need to swim. I don't care if you do or not, but you're coming with me."

"Okay," Kyle said quietly.

At the pool Kelly dove in while Kyle hung his legs in the water. They had the place to themselves as the population in the lodge and cabin was low at this time of the year and this time of the week. Kyle watched Kelly swimming laps with a passion. He knew he had upset him and felt badly about it, but he didn't particularly regret what he had said. He did need to hear what his mother's potential plans had been, he had no idea that Kelly knew until that moment and he certainly wasn't going to pass it up. It probably did Kelly some good to purge it from his soul.

"Hey there Kyle," Pete said sitting down next to him as his wife headed to the hot tub. "Not swimming?"

"No, don't feel like it."

"Do you know how?"

"Oh yeah. My dad made sure I had lessons when I was little. He wanted to be sure if I ever fell into the water I could swim. I'm not ready for swim team but I can survive alright."

"Good deal."

They sat quietly for a minute as they watched Kelly churn through the water. "He's mad at me." Kyle finally said.

"Oh? Why's that?"

"I have mommy issues and they're weighing me down. I need to let them go and I'm hoping I have. I got involved in something I shouldn't have. I got hurt," Kyle said pointing to the scar on the side of his head and then to the back of his head. "Bullet, grazed me and I fell and fractured my skull."

"High price to pay."

"But because of it my best friend is alive."

"Well that's good."

"But he hates me."

"Your friend?"

"It's complicated."

"It always is. What is that?" He asked pointing to Kyle's scarification on his side.

"Doing more damage to undo damage."

"Complicated?"

"Like I said."

"Mommy issues? Are you parents divorced?"

"My parents were never married." Kyle gave a quick and abbreviated rundown of the relationship.

"I'm a doctor," Pete said. "My wife, Leslie, was a teacher when she got pregnant with our first child. I was already an MD but my schedule was ridiculous. I wanted to impress everyone, learn everything. I was hardly home and after a year of being a single mother holding down a job Leslie gave up her career to stay home. Our relationship was strained. I was never home, when I was home I was thinking about work." 

"But you made it," Kyle said looking over towards the hot tub where Leslie had settled in.

"We did. But do you know why we come here at this time of year?" Kyle shook his head. "We do it to honor our daughter. She loved it here. She was our firstborn, sensitive and gentle. She had been struggling but I didn't see it. I don't know if I refused to or just wasn't tuned in enough. But one year, after we had gone home after our annual visit she swallowed a bunch of pills and took her life. Leslie found her when she tried to wake her up for school. Today was that day so many years ago."

"I'm so sorry," Kyle said as Pete stared off across the water.

"Me too. And I'm sure your mother loves you as much as I loved my daughter and hopefully one day she will be able to make the time and show you. Is she aware of the information you have discovered?"

Kyle looked over with a weak smile. "I guess I left out an important part."

After Kyle explained her death and recent discovery that she was murdered it was Pete's turn to say that he was sorry. "So much left hanging. So much for a six year old to handle and for an eleven year old to handle.

"And now you are trying to save the world. I can understand why your father is so concerned." He said looking towards Kelly in the pool.

"He's not my dad. He's my godfather/uncle. A very important person in my life and without him, I don't know where I'd be."

"And I suspect without you he'd have no idea where he'd be. Kyle, we can't erase our mistakes, some you can't forget, some you can't forgive, and some you just have to try and live with." Pete sighed. "Kids believe that adults and parents have all of the answers, but often we are just as lost as you are.

"The one thing I learned too late is that you can hide a hell of a lot of sadness in a smile. My daughter was a pro at it. Can you tell me why you were shot?"

Kyle watched Kelly turn and swim back the way he had just come. "Sure." And he did, every last detail, exposing himself for all the was worth.

"Wow, that is quite an adventure." Pete said as he blew out a mouthful of air.

"Yeah, like I said; complicated. And now my friend won't talk to me."

"He's confused kiddo. This is a lot for anyone. First he was forced to realize there were people that meant him harm simply for who he is. And then his best friend was side by side with them, even though it was for a totally different reason, but picture that in your head, it can't be easy. Now he must feel on some level that you could have died to save him and that is quite a debt to be repaid, never mind the fact that he saw a person he loves nearly die in front of him. Just give him some time. And if he doesn't come around, know that you did what you needed to do and that every accomplishment this boy makes is because of you."

"I guess, but there are so few out there that you can bare your soul to and know they won't judge you. But then again, I just did it and I've spent a total of an hour with you." Kyle said.

"But we have both been touched by tragedy and we could see it within each other. I think that Danny's rejection brought up your memories of what you feel as your mother's rejection."

"Probably." Kyle admitted. "I know she was busy, she was focused on her career and that hurts, but I know of lots of kids that deal with that all the time. Their mom works late, on weekends, when they do come to an activity they're on their phone the whole time. It's the same thing."

"But your issue is unresolved. And I think that is what is bothering you. It was a huge loss, there are few things more sad than a motherless child. Even though so many seem to be motherless these days. Kelly loves you. I take it your father does as well?"

"My dad is great. I haven't been an easy kid this year, but he has been patient and reminds me how important I am to him. I've missed him these last couple of days. His job is dangerous and I worry that he'll leave me like my mom did."

"Life isn't about certainty, so we must live and love as much as we can."

"I should apologize to Kelly. He didn't deserve what I did to him earlier today."

"Then apologize. But he is here for you, with you. You needed to be on the edge in order to step away from it." He looked over at his wife who was waving him to come join her. "Go swim with your uncle."

"Okay," Kyle said as they both stood up.

"One more thing." Kyle looked back at his new friend. "There's going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in a matter of minutes. These moments will change you. Let them make you stronger, smarter, and kinder. But don't you go and become someone you're not. Cry, scream if you have to. Then straighten out that crown and keep moving. Stay true to yourself."

Kyle smiled and nodded and then jumped into the pool and began to swim laps and as Kelly passed him he made sure to acknowledge him with a quick splash. In the hot tub Pete eased himself in and grabbed his wife's hand and held it tightly.

With all the days activities and emotion Kyle slept like a rock and when he woke up the next morning, the bed next to his was empty. He heard activity in the bathroom as he stood up and stretched. He looked over to the corner where they had set their backpacks and something seemed off and as he stood there trying to figure it out the bathroom door opened.

"Hey kiddo," Matt said.

"Dad? What are you doing here? Where's Kelly?"

"He thought it might be a good idea if I got some time with you today."

"He's back in Chicago? Is he mad at me?"

"Yes he is and no he's not. He thought you and I could benefit from a walk in the woods. He left you this." Matt said pulling a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to Kyle.

He took it and opened it absorbing words one at a time. **"** _ **I love you and I don't want to lose you. Because my life has been better since the day you were born. Everything will be okay. We will work together until it is."**_

"Did you read it?" Kyle asked.

"I did not. We're all entitled to our secrets."

"Really?"

"No. Not when they're written down and not when your eleven. But you already know the first part because you have helped yourself to personal thoughts."

"She was dead. She wasn't entitled to her secrets anymore."

Matt and Kelly had talked long into the night as Matt had driven down to the park and had been brought up to speed with what had transpired that day. But despite knowing what had happened and Kyle's emotional turmoil he was still taken aback by how matter-of-fact of Kyle's demeanor had been.

"Did you know she was going to keep me a secret from you?"

Matt sighed but saw no point in lying. Kyle clearly needed to hear the truth in order to make sense of everything. "Yes. I still remember it like it was yesterday."

 _ **Twelve years ago**_

Matt had tried to stay at work but after vomiting for the third time that morning there was no doubt that he couldn't perform his duties as needed. Chief insisted that he go home. He wasn't sure if it was the flu or food poisoning at this point he didn't really care. It took all he had to make to the couch where he crashed down and fell asleep almost instantly.

He woke up at some point later hearing papers being shuffled. He got up and saw Hallie moving papers around on the table and was clearly startled when Matt called out to her. "What are you doing here?" She asked, the sleep still clearly evident in her eyes. Her schedule was crazy with classes, labs, tests, study groups, etc and Matt rarely knew when she was going to be where.

"I'm not feeling well. What are you doing?" He asked as he walked over to her where she was clearly trying to hide something from him. In fact her entire reaction was like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

"Just looking for some paperwork," she said with a weak smile.

Matt raised both eyebrows and leaned closer and saw what looked like lab results. He picked them up off of the table and realized what they were. "You're pregnant?" Hallie stared off across the room staying mute. "This is dated three days ago. When were you going to tell me?"

"I haven't even wrapped my head around it yet. It's, it's just not a good time."

"What do you mean by that?" Matt asked, as his face changed from excited to alarmed.

"I mean, that I don't have enough time now, how can I get through what I need to with a child. I'm not saying that I never want t have children at some point, but—"

"But your pregnant now. You can't ask this kid to come back around in five years or whenever it's convenient. Take a break, take time off. Life can't always be scheduled."

"Yes, it can Matt. I have worked too long and hard to get where I am now to let it slide away. People who take time off struggle to get back and many don't get back at all. I will not risk what I have dreamed about my entire life because my birth control failed."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing. You weren't going to tell me? You were just going to 'deal' with it and hide it from me?"

"I don't know what I was going to do Matt. This isn't easy for me. I just wish it hadn't happened."

"But it did. And I want it to continue."

And it did continue for another seven months and a healthy, beautiful little boy was born. Hallie struggled to keep it all together throughout her pregnancy, never asking for any special treatment and not receiving any. She only took five days off after Kyle was born and turned over the care of her infant son to his father.

 _ **Current time**_

"I don't mean to vilify your mother. It's so unfair what women have to face. They are judged no matter what decision they make. Have a career, have kids, have both. Men just don't have to bear that burden. She was amazing and strong and relentless. A lot like you. She had a dream and it was important for her to keep her eye on that dream. She made it work the best she knew how."

"I think I'm over it. I just needed to get out what I had found out in her journal. I just needed somebody to hear it. And I got that. I not only got that, it was validated by someone else who was keeping the very same secret I was. She had me, she loved me on some level. People have it much worse than I ever have. I'm glad that I'm like her."

Matt looked over, unsure how to take that statement. He knew how much Hallie had rallied and cared about her patients and doing what was right by them. And those actions ended up getting her killed. And now their son seemed to be on that very same path and it very nearly cost him his life.

"I know that you love me, Kelly loves me. As long as you both stay alive, it'll all be good." Kyle continued.

"Gabby loves you too. And the entire shift at fifty-one does as well. But don't shortchange your feelings."

"I'm not. I think I just needed to get them out and now I have. Saying them out loud helped a lot. They don't seem like monsters anymore."

"You went monster hunting and you found some. You found them in your past and in the present. But you can't just run off and save the world. It is not for you to do."

"Why not? Why not me? What we do matters. What we all do matters, our age has little to do with what we can accomplish."

"I appreciate you reaching for the stars, but you need to let yourself grow up a little before you throw your entire self at the world and all of its injustices. You are so much like your mother—nothing stops you and anyone that tries be damned."

"Maybe together we could have saved the world." Kyle took off his shirt and tossed on the bed causing Matt to look at his scars. His eyes showed his concern and sadness. Kyle looked up and saw his father's face. "Maybe life isn't about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it's about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it."

 **Father and son took a quiet walk in nature.** They stopped and enjoyed what was around them and the time together. But both kept the conversation light until the car ride home.

"So, what is my life going to be like once we get home?" Kyle asked.

"What do you mean?" Matt asked as he looked from the road to his son and back to the road.

"I mean, I broke a million rules in my pursuit of justice and you haven't said a word about it."

"I wanted you to heal, physically, mentally first."

"I have—well mostly."

"Tired of waiting?"

"Yeah, kinda. Unless that is a punishment in itself."

"Hmmmm, you may be onto something there. Well kid the list is long."

"Go ahead, I'm ready."

"Okay then," Matt said looking at the road, his hands squeezing the steering wheel. "Your door doesn't go back on for quite a while. You have to prove to me that you can be trusted and I'm afraid that is going to take a long time. Much like last summer, your time will be spent with a trusted adult. I'm going to let you keep your phone, but your time on it will be limited. No tablet, no walks or bike rides without an escort. No singing at the pier. I'm going to sign you up for summer study group at the school. Extra chores along with anything else I can think up. Oh, and weekly sessions with Dr. Sawyer."

"And no sports," Kyle sighed.

"Well that was from the doctor." Matt reminded. The doctor had said no sports for a year, maybe longer due to Kyle's head injury. The boy did not take the news well. "But I probably would have said no to the baseball season."

"Fair enough," Kyle sighed as he looked out the window. "Can we come back here or another park this summer? The quiet is nice."

"Of course we can. Though the warm weather brings out a lot more people and less quiet." Matt warned as he looked over at Kyle again. "Do I need to be worried about you?"

Kyle looked confused and then realized what his father was most likely talking about. "No. I'm fine. I had no intention of jumping. I was on firm footing the whole time and I knew exactly how close to the edge I was."

"You need to apologize to Kelly. You scared him to death."

"I already did." Kyle replied.

"Well, do it again."

"Yes sir," Kyle sighed.


	32. All That Glitters

**All That Glitters**

That Saturday after Kyle had done his chores and was in the hallway staring at his door, which was still leaning against the wall at the end of the hall, Matt came out of Kyle's bedroom holding a nice shirt and khaki pants. "Put these on," he said.

"Why?" Kyle asked.

"Because I told you to," Matt said simply.

Kyle complied, getting dressed and slicking his hair back. He wondered what was up and feared his dad was dragging him to an interview for some far off boarding school.

"Where are we going?" Kyle asked after forty minutes of turns and stop and go traffic.

"Right there," Matt said as he pointed up the street to where Kelly was standing.

"Why are we at Danny's synagogue? And why is Kelly here?" Kyle asked.

"Let's go find out." Matt said turning into the small lot behind the building. The lot was full but one open slot remained almost if on purpose.

"What is going on? Why are you here?" Kyle asked Kelly whose head was already covered, handed out yarmulkes to both of them.

"Just be quiet and come on." Kelly said walking towards the front door.

They walked in and all eyes turned towards them. Kyle instantly felt terrified. Rarely shy in front of crowd, all he wanted to do was flee. He grabbed for Matt's hand, slipping his into his fathers. Matt took it and gave a gentle squeeze as he gave his son a reassuring look. They continued to walk to the front of the temple as all those gazes tracked them as they did. At the front Kyle saw Danny sitting there, the boy looked at him but Kyle wasn't sure what the look exactly meant.

"Come up here Kyle, come,come," the Rabbi said waving his arms for him to continue to walk his way. "It's okay, please come. My congregation has been wanting to meet you."

"Me? Why?" Kyle asked quietly as he let go of Matt's hand and continued on alone.

"Why?" The Rabbi asked incredulously. "How can you ask why? You are a hero, our hero."

"I'm not a hero."

"You are humble. Humility is a wonderful thing to have. You, my boy, saved our Danny and you stood up to the evil that was bearing down on you both."

"But I was with them."

"You stood next to them, but not with them. You did not allow the devil that was beside you to get inside you. That, shows amazing strength. You took everything they had and rose up and beyond it. You saved a life at great risk to your own. Do you understand this?"

Kyle shrugged.

"There's a principle in Jewish mysticism called tikkun olam , it literally means, world repair. The idea is that God created the world by containing divine light in vessels, some of which shattered and got scattered all over. It's the job of humanity to help God by finding and releasing those shards of light-through good deeds and acts. Every time we do, God becomes more perfect and we become a little more like God. Do you understand?"

"I did the right thing because it was the right thing to do. My dad always taught me that I should stand up for people and always choose to do the right thing."

"He is a very wise man. I can't say I agree with your methods and the risks that you took. But you son, are amazing. And we are so very grateful for you and your strength. So many sit by and do nothing, but you did everything and nearly gave up everything and these people want to say thank you."

Matt thought back of the passage in the book about the Holocaust that Kyle had highlighted. It spoke of people not caring and by sitting back and allowing evil to flourish and so it did. Kyle had seemed to respond to those words with a passion.

The rabbi waved the entire gathering up to the front where they all lined up and shook Kyle's hand, hugged him and expressed their gratitude for his actions. Kyle was so overwhelmed it was all he could do to control his emotions. At the end of the line was Danny who stood alone. He was biting his lower lip and couldn't meet Kyle's eyes. After a moment he turned and ran.

Carolyn, Danny's mother came over with Rachel in tow. "I'm sorry. Danny—well, he's struggling, but it isn't about you, it's—"

"Complicated," Kyle filled in.

"Yes, complicated. He has wanted to see you, talk to you, but he doesn't know what to say. He'll come around. I know he can't last much longer without you in his life."

Rachel held up a yarmulke with Kyle's name embroidered on it in three different shades of blue. "Mrs. Klein made this for you."

"Wow, it's great," Kyle said pulling of the plain black beanie from his head and replacing it with the new one.

"You can wear it when you come back," she said.

"I sure will," Kyle replied.

As the gathering mixed and mingled Kyle slipped out a side door to get some air. He saw Danny next the building. He looked up at Kyle as the door shut behind him. Danny looked lost, unsure of what to do. Kyle gave a small finger wave in his direction. Danny responded with a nod. Kyle wasn't sure if he should stay where he was or walk towards where Danny was standing. After a moment he made his move only for his yarmulke to slide off of his head. He managed to catch it before it hit the ground and when he recovered, Danny was heading his way.

"Here," he said pulling one of the clips from his head that helped cement his own skull cap in place and handed it to Kyle. Kyle took it but struggled to place it correctly but Danny leaned over and got it to sit right on Kyle's head. "There you go."

"Thanks. I just got this. I don't want it to fall off."

"Mrs. Klein?"

"Yep. It's pretty cool."

"Yes it is. She makes one for everyone for their bar-mitzvah. I'll get mine soon. I guess this means you're special."

"Danny—I"

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say to you so I didn't say anything. I mean what do you tell a kid who saved your life. Thanks right? I just—I can't get—life has been hard."

"I thought you hated me."

"Hated you? For what? Saving my life?"

"Because I was with them."

"But that's how you found out."

"I know, but still. At first I thought they might have used me to find you, but after a long talk with Antonio a couple of weeks ago he pointed out that it wasn't likely." Danny looked at Kyle, his eye's uncertain. "They didn't need me. They were already scoping out the center. And if they suspected me of anything, they would have just made me disappear."

"You are so brave. I'll never be that brave."

"You are brave every day. I never realized how it feels to be in the middle of circle that isn't yours until I was inside a few minutes ago."

Danny nodded. "There are times I just want to toss this stupid thing out of window," he said pointing to his head covering. "But it's part of who I am and my dad always tells us to be proud of who we are."

"You should be." Kyle agreed.

"That day broke me," Danny admitted.

"We are all a little broken and that's okay. But we have keep trying to do the right thing. That's the only thing that will hold us together."

"All I can remember is seeing that gun pointed at me and then your voice. I heard your voice and I thought—all I could think of is that Kyle is going to save me. I never thought oh no, Kyle could get hurt or worse. I was so selfish."

"No you weren't. I wanted to be hero instead of telling an adult I just tried to do it alone. I was selfish. You were the one who got help for me."

"Only because it showed up on its own. Dad said that was God's intervention because you are special in his eyes. That you are a part of him on earth. Like what they said earlier."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"No kidding. Friends forever?" Danny asked.

"Absolutely!" Kyle said and they did their secret handshake to cement the deal.

As the boys wrapped up their little ritual Jacob Levine, Danny's father appeared at the door a few feet away. "Ah, it's so good to see my boy's happy and together again," he said, his eye's beaming. "Danny, your mother is looking for you."

"Okay," he sighed looking back at Kyle. "I'll see you later."

"Count on it," Kyle said.

Danny disappeared through the door and Kyle leaned back against the wall of the building. "You okay?" Jacob asked.

Kyle nodded. "This was—amazing. Thank you."

"You are very welcome. Your father came to me concerned about both you and Danny. Together, along with Kelly we came up with this idea. I don't know why it took us so long or why it took three of us, but God works in mysterious ways."

Kyle gave a tight smile and looked up and nodded. "I guess so."

"There's an old Jewish saying, 'Man plans, God laughs' but I think this plan came out pretty well."

"Better than mine," Kyle admitted.

Jacob heaved a bigger sigh than his son had earlier and turned and looked Kyle in the eye. "I've been rehearsing this for over a week and—and I'm going to throw it out the window and speak from my heart."

"Mr. Levine I—"

Danny's father held his hand up. "I need to say this."

"Okay," Kyle replied unsure of what was about to be released on him.

Jacob touched his yarmulke took in a big breath and began. "I know that you've had a rough time for weeks before the shooting and for the weeks since. You've been through a nightmare and healing is tough. Healing is messy. It's alienation. It's detachment. It's bat shit crazy. It's jet black darkness. It makes you ache for the void and the mundane. You want to quit everything. But you can't. You won't. Not now. No baby, not ever. Because even though it aches like the mother of all aches, you've changed.. Underneath all the bullshit, there you are. Brand new and born again. An angel of earth that has woken up for their cosmic mission. And you ain't ever going back, wild one. So don't worry about fixing any part of you and let your wicked shambles raise the goddamn roof. Because Kyle James Casey this is how legends are made. Do you understand me?"

Kyle just stared at the man whose previous verbal transgressions had never strayed beyond 'shoot' or 'darn' and that, Kyle was certain happened rarely. But he managed to nod. "Yes sir, I understand."

"Good. You my boy—well don't ever stop being you. All that glitters is gold."

Kyle took a few minutes to collect himself digest after what Mr. Levine had just told him. He knew it was spoken directly from the heart. He was afraid he was going to fall apart as the emotion just washed over him of what had happened that day of the shooting, the weeks before and the weeks since. He smiled for a second then he slid down the wall and began to sob uncontrollably.


	33. Man Down

**Man Down**

Matt stood and watched the ambulance pull away, taking with it his very best friend in the world. True that they had recently argued and didn't always see eye to eye on things but what he said not all that along ago about Kelly being blood related was and always would be true. Without Kelly, Matt would have never been able to put one foot in front of the other after Kyle had been shot. And now it was only a couple of month's later and he was still helping both of them cope with the recent past and how to deal with it.

Kyle had just gotten his life back and in some kind of order. Matt had insisted that he have no less than two sessions with Dr. Sawyer per week and he was never left alone. His bedroom door still sat in the hallway and if he wasn't allowed excessive time in the bathroom. Now that he and Danny had seemed to make up and their friendship repaired, Kyle seemed much more like his old self. But now—now this.

There had been no other choice, the valve had to be held and jumping into the river was their only escape. But when it was over Matt was standing alone and Kelly was on his way to the hospital. He continued to watch the ambulance until the taillights were just blurs. He was so engrossed he didn't even hear Chief Boden come up beside him.

"Here," he said handing Matt the keys to his vehicle. "There was a photographer here and I don't want to risk Kyle finding out about this via facesnap or chatterbox or whatever the hell the kids pay attention to instead of the world around them. Pick him up and meet us at the hospital. I don't want him risking life and limb trying to get there by himself." Chief said thinking of the confused and distraught Kyle that showed up at the factory fire the year before.

"Thanks Chief," Matt said taking the keys that had been dropped into his hands. He tried to pull himself together as he climbed in the SUV and plugged the keys into the ignition.

During math class Kyle had been told to gather up his things and go to the office. He couldn't remember any appointment he was supposed to go to and there had been no texts to tell him of a change of plans for the day. This unexpected disruption to his day could only mean something devastating had happened and he was about to find out just how much his life was going to fall apart.

He went to his locker and loaded up the books he would need and grabbed his coat. He knew whatever had happened wasn't going to change just because he didn't yet know about it, but he just couldn't seem to make his feet move any faster. He wanted to cling to his last moments of ignorance.

He could just see the turnout gear as he entered the main office, but couldn't make out yet who it belonged to. But once he was finally through the door he saw the figure turn and saw the face of his father and Kyle's whole body sagged with relief. But the reprieve was short-lived when he realized just why his father was standing there. His backpack slipped from his arm as did his coat.

"Is he alive?" Kyle asking, knowing in the pit of his stomach it was Kelly.

Matt turned and looked at his son. "Yes. He was on is way to Chicago Med."

"He never looked back. Always put the victims first. Never thought about himself. Was it a fire?" Kyle asked the office personnel looked on at this small family drama, understanding more than ever about the sacrifices that the first-responders and their families make.

"There was an explosion. We had to jump into the river. He was knocked unconscious and we couldn't get him to wake up."

Kyle looked over at Matt giving more attention to detail and realized that his father's hair was wet. He ran and took a flying leap into his father's arms. Matt pulled his son into an embrace and they both held on for dear life. "Are you okay?" Kyle asked, his voice barely hanging on.

"I'm fine. We should go."

But it was clear that Kyle had no intention of letting go. One of the secretaries came around from behind the desk and picked up Kyle's bag and coat and said she would follow them outside to the car. So Kyle clinging to Matt or perhaps it was Matt clinging to Kyle made their way down the hallway while Mrs. Kopek trailed behind them armed with a coat, backpack and concern.

Matt had parked in the drop-off lane, his flashers going, hoping that the official vehicle would give him some leeway. It was right where he had left it, flashing away to anyone that cared. He managed to unlock the door while still holding Kyle and slid him onto the seat. He then turned and took the coat and backpack from Mrs. Kopek and thanked her.

"I hope everything turns out okay," she said quietly as she peered at Kyle.

Matt nodded and handed the coat to his son. "Put it on and buckle up." He then opened up the backdoor and tossed the bag inside on the seat and went around to the drivers side and climbed in. He looked over at Kyle who had managed to get his coat on and seat belt around him. He had pulled his legs up onto the seat and was hugging them to his chest, his head buried.

"You have to put your legs down. If I have to stop fast you might get hurt."

"Okay," Kyle said allowing his legs to slide off the seat and dangle in front of him. His eye's were red and puffy and the emotion was raw.

Matt wasn't reckless during the drive to the hospital but he didn't waste any time either. For both their sake's they needed to check on their friend as soon as possible. Matt parked and had to yell at Kyle to wait for him as the boy had taken off for the nearest door. Once inside they were directed by the nurse at the desk up to the same floor Kyle had been rushed to only a couple of months before.

Once there, they quickly found Chief and Matt dropped the keys in the boss's hands and asked for an update. As Kyle bounced on his toes as if that would help get the words to his ears faster.

"He regained consciousness briefly, but then went out again. They are checking for fractures and any pressure that might be building inside his skull. This seems all too familiar," Chief said looking down at Kyle.

"I'm okay. So that means Kelly has to be too. Where is he?"

"They took him down the hall. Beyond that I don't know."

Kyle looked towards the waiting room and saw filled to the brim with team from 51. "It looked just like that when you were here," Matt pointed out.

"I'm sorry," Kyle said. Matt pulled him close and gave him a hug.

"Why don't you have a seat over there by Gabby."

Kyle did as he was told and made it all of fifteen minutes before he began to recall his time spent in a waiting room just like this when Matt had suffered from his head injury all those years ago. Kyle could remember sitting in chairs just like these while Kelly and Chief fawned over him and tried to distract him from the reality that was all around them. Now Matt was looking at him with concern as Kyle hopped up and began to pace.

"I have to go for a walk. I can't just sit here."

"Well you're not going for a walk by yourself," Matt stated.

"Just to the end of the hall and back. Please Dad."

"Phone on and you had better be back in five minutes."

"It is and I will."

Kyle turned and tried to burn off some of his emotion. Between his flashbacks from Matt's injury, concern for Kelly and the realization that this is what he had put everyone through recently he was about to explode. He found another waiting room that was nearly empty and he sat down next to the window. He pulled his phone out to check the time and to text Danny. He knew his friend probably wouldn't be able to answer but he also knew it would help him just to share his angst with someone else who loved Kelly.

He had two minutes before he was supposed to be back so he shot off a quick text to Danny and was surprised when there was a speedy reply with some surprising news.

 **The friends were sitting on their knees** ,their backs to the waiting room as they looked out the window and down to the street below. Kyle had texted Matt and told him where he was and that Danny was with him. Matt agreed that he was fine there, but was under strict orders not to go anywhere else.

"How do you deal with it?" Danny asked after their texting conversation led the boys to realize that they were in the same place with only a few floors separating them. Danny's younger sister was in the emergency room having suffered an asthma attack, but was now stabilized and waiting to be released.

"I don't," Kyle admitted. "I don't deal with it. Two of the people I care the most about in this world have come through these doors too many times. And there have been moments when I wondered if they would ever come out or come out the same as they were when they went in."

Danny sat there his head resting on his hands on the small shelf by the window. "I thought the same about you, when you were in here."

Kyle looked over at him, his brows dipped, trying to understand. "When I got to the hospital I just sat alone, numb. I mean the people from the firehouse were around me and kept checking on me but it was like I couldn't even form a thought. I had poured all my energy in trying to make a statement and there was nothing left. If it wasn't for Kelly I wouldn't have had the strength to do that.

"I knew all he wanted to do was get to the hospital and to you. But he stayed with me, encouraged me and didn't let me out of his sight when we got to the hospital."

"Yeah. He is good at that. Even when my parents were together it was like they weren't totally together, if that makes any sense. Anyway, my dad was always busy working, on shifts, doing contracting jobs, trying to line up babysitters and car pools, that even when he made time for me, it felt rushed. I know he tried and he did a great job, he took me places, we explored, he fueled my imagination and exposed me to everything he could in the time he had. I had no doubt I was his focus, but it always seemed like we had to be in hurry. That there just wasn't enough time to take things slow. Somehow Kelly knew this. He was the one that would take me to the zoo and sit with me for twenty minutes as I watched the penguins play or answer my unending questions about elephants." Kyle paused as he lost his struggle to keep his story going. After a moment he cleared his throat and continued.

"I remember when I was around seven or eight I made up a story about an adventure that we were on and used every animal in the zoo as we visited their area. He went right along with me, adding some ideas of his own and fully participating in my newly created world."

"Yeah. I totally believe that he would do that. I think that you gave him something he really needed in his life. Kind of like an anchor."

"Well where was his anchor today?" Kyle said, tears forming.

"He had to his job, he has to be a part of the world, just like you. When I saw your dad that day you were brought here it was like he was falling apart one piece at a time. I had never seen that expression on anyone before or since.

"When my mom finally came to the hospital on that horrible day a couple of months ago I just cried and looked at her said "I can't". I wasn't even sure what I meant. I couldn't cope, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't bear to go on without you, I couldn't bear to think you could die protecting me," Danny put his hand up to prevent Kyle from interrupting him as he knew he would. "All I knew was that the words 'I can't' summed up exactly what I was feeling."

"Well right now I can't," Kyle said.

"I know," Danny said putting his arm around his friend.

The two boy's sat quietly and watched the snow flurries scurry around outside, riding the wind and man-made updrafts. Kyle felt much like those bits of precipitation, lost and floating with no destination in sight.

Carolyn Levine appeared with Rachel in tow. She expressed her concern for Kelly and hoped that he would make a full recovery.

"He is such a good and brave man. I know that he is special to you and was very nice to Danny, especially when you—well when you were hurt."

"Thank you. He'll be fine. He has to be."

"He will be," Danny assured.

"I should go check on him," Kyle said.

"We need to go Danny. Rachel is tired." Carolyn stated.

"How are you feeling?" Kyle asked, remembering the reason that Danny was even at the hospital to begin with.

"Better. Thank you." She replied.

"See, I'm still wearing my bracelet," he said showing her the braided creation tied to his wrist. This brought about a smile and a quick bout of shyness causing the girl to hide behind her mother. "I'll talk to you later."

"Please let us know how he's doing," Carolyn called out as Kyle turned and walked down the hallway.

 **He didn't have to walk far to find a glut of firefighter's milling around.** He saw his dad who unbeknownst to Kyle had checked on him earlier as he and Danny had been looking out the window. They were all trying to forget the reason why they were back in these hallways. Different person, different circumstances, same fears.

Kyle looked down the hallway and saw nurses and doctors going in and out of rooms. He also saw restrooms down that way and told Matt that was where he was heading. Matt gave him a weary nod and sat back down and put his head in hands and Kyle wondered if that's what he looked like a mere two months ago when he was the one in dire straights.

Kyle looked at the little man on the door to the bathroom and then went into the door directly across the hall from it. Inside the room he saw a woman he didn't recognize and looked at him as if he didn't belong. Since he didn't, Kyle move on to the next room to find a man he didn't know. He sighed and spun around and went back into the hall. Kelly had to be around here somewhere. He tried a third door and finally found who he was looking for. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was taking a nap, if not for the incessant beeping of the monitors and IV nothing would have seemed wrong.

He took Kelly's hand in his and held it to his face and whispered, "wake up, wake up, wake up," until his throat was dry and he could no longer form the words.

All Kelly felt was tired. Inside his head he felt a serenity he hadn't ever recalled feeling. It was as if he was in a dark room and he wasn't quite sure how to get out of it. But at the same time he wasn't worried and he knew at some point this place was going to expel him whether he liked it or not. He had found the way out a while ago, but the brightness and loud surroundings drove right back to his hiding place despite the pull of outside forces.

He remembered being with Matt and then falling—no, jumping, and then nothing. Was Matt okay? Why did they jump? Where was he? Was he okay? Was Matt okay? He just couldn't see past the darkness, not yet anyway.

"That crowd outside looks familiar," Dr. Nichols said as he entered the room followed by a male nurse. "Jumped into the river, lost consciousness, regained it and lost it again. Pressures are normal and no fractures. Pupils, equal and reactive, normal pulse ox and good blood pressure." The doctor said as he walked towards the bed, his head still bent over the chart. "What the fuck is this kid doing in here?" He asked, shocked with Kyle's sudden appearance.

"How did you get in here?"

"I opened the door and walked in," Kyle said.

"You look familiar. Why do you look familiar?"

"You were my doctor a few months ago. Gunshot to the head and basal skull fracture."

"Oh yeah. Now I know why that group looked so familiar. And why he looks familiar," he said looking down at Kelly. "Except he was where you are now. I can't recall, is he your father?"

"No, just a really good friend. So is he going to be okay? Will he wake up?"

"He will. He did earlier, he just didn't stay awake."

"Why not?" Kyle demanded to know.

"Because his body is tired and wants to rest. You need to let him rest."

"But he needs to know that I'm here. I could hear voices when I was unconscious and it was good thing."

"You remember that?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe huh?"

"But he and my dad were there when I woke up and that was just what I needed so I wasn't scared."

"And you don't want him to be scared?"

"No. I mean, he's really brave, but he hates hospitals."

"Who doesn't hate hospitals?"

"You I hope," Kyle replied. "Is this ICU?"

"No, it's not. Your friend is on a mild sedative to help him relax and heal. We are watching him closely. He's in good hands."

"A sedative!? Isn't that contraindicated?"

"Whoa, dude, where did you go to medical school?"

"I read up on head trauma after my injuries. It said a lot of meds are contraindicated."

"Relax kiddo. He is on a very mild one, kind of like Tylenol PM. I just need him to try and rest before his body decides to wake up too soon. That could cause more problems. He will fully recover."

"Do you promise?"

"I do. Hey, I did an awesome job with you. You can't even see where I stitched you back together."

"Yeah," Kyle sighed. "My hair hides it."

"Do you still suffer from any side-effects of the injury?"

"Some. But I'm okay. Can I stay with him? I'll be quiet, I promise."

"Fine, but Josh is going to be in and out," the doctor said indicating the nurse that had followed him in and stood quietly throughout the entire conversation thus far. "He had better find that you have kept up your end of the deal, or he will deposit you back into that throng of firefighter's."

"Deal," Kyle said as Matt burst into the room and nearly walked into the doctor.

"You're the dad. Now I remember. Don't forget, shhhh," Dr. Nichols said, putting his finger to his lips as he turned and left.

"He said I could stay with Kelly as long as I was quiet."

"Why didn't you tell me where you were. I've been looking everywhere for you." Matt asked.

"Sorry. I just thought if I talked to him he might wake up."

"His pulse jumps when you talk," Josh said. "Doc said he could stay. I'll be in and out as I check on other patients. He's fine if he wants to stay. But just him."

"Dad, he was here for me when I needed him. I mean you were too, but I feel like I have to be here."

"Okay. But stay quiet and don't you dare go anywhere else."

"Don't worry, there's no place I'd rather be."

Kelly felt as if he was swimming in the darkness. Just floating around in his own peaceful, private world. He wasn't afraid, but needed something to grasp, something to pull him back to reality. He couldn't stay where he was any longer. It was time to go back to the world. He hoped someone would be waiting for him when he got there. He searched for some kind of path back to reality. There had been pieces fed to him, a voice, a touch, a smell, whispers all around him, but he hadn't been ready to take hold of them yet. But now he was searching for that thread that had been there earlier. He needed something to anchor him to the world. When he finally woke up, he discovered he had it all along and it was in the form of a small boy who was curled up next to him.

 **They kept Kelly in the hospital overnight f** or observation and both Kyle and Matt were there first thing in the morning to pick him up. Kyle had rallied to spend the night in the hospital but that was immediately nixed by the staff and Matt.

Josh had come back in at some point in the evening to find that Kyle had climbed into the hospital bed and was laying next to Kelly. Kyle's eye's were closed, but Kelly's were open. Clearly the presence of the boy had made all the difference in the world.

Kelly missed two shifts before he was released to go back to work. But in his down time he spent afternoons and evenings with Kyle, giving Matt a break from worrying about what the boy was up to in his absence. Despite all the precautions the fear was palpable, because after all the man that tried to kill Kyle and Danny was still out there.


	34. I Am The Fire

**I Am The Fire**

The weather was very slowly edging towards spring, at least according to the calendar as the actual weather was doing the region no favors. After his afternoon at the synagogue Kyle had recovered much of himself and felt that he was no longer on the edge of insanity. He had apologized to Kelly again about what had happened at Starved Rock and even wrote him a letter with touching sincerity. Of course Kelly insisted that no apology was necessary, that was the whole reason that they had gone there. But Kyle knew he had pushed it further than he had needed to—or maybe he went just as far as he needed to go. But either way, with scare of Kelly's injury he felt the need to ensure that the man knew that he was sincere and appreciated all of his efforts.

At home and school he had been on his best behavior. Matt felt confident enough to allow him to be at home with Gretchen instead of forcing him to spend his evenings and overnights at the firehouse. It seemed that everything was back on the right track. Except for one minor problem—Brock was still out there and the police presence could no longer be made available to him or Danny. Matt had installed a top notch security system as did the Levine's and neither boy was ever allowed to be alone.

The police had checked out the building where Kyle had gone to the meetings with the supremacist group and it had been scrubbed clean and abandoned. Though traces of blood were found in the upstairs area where Kyle had indicated seeing a possible altercation. There were also fliers left behind that declared their hatred of mankind who looked the least bit different from them. That along with a flag hanging in the basement with a swastika on it, gave Kyle's story total validation. Perhaps his actions had prevented a major disaster from happening, but chances were more than likely that they would just set up shop elsewhere.

There had been no sightings of Brock and at this point most thought he had gotten out of town leaving Kyle, along with Danny as no more than an afterthought. In fact Hank Voight figured the group assumed Kyle had been killed by the errant shot and since Danny had no longer frequented the community center they had done a good enough job in making their mark and decided to lay low for now.

So on this brisk, cloudy day as Kyle stood outside of his school and saw that his ride wasn't there he wasn't too concerned. But decided he had better tow the line and do what he had been told—told more than once—by several people, so he started making phone calls. He pulled out his phone and saw the text from Mrs. McGill saying that Megan had gone home early after not feeling well and that she was sorry but she wouldn't be able to do after school pick-up. He blew out a big breath of air and called Matt only to be met with the voicemail. He left a message as to his predicament and then dialed Kelly only to go through it all again. Next up was Gabby, Chief and Antonio all ending the same way. "Doesn't anybody answer their damn phone anymore," Kyle muttered.

He finally made a stab at his last possibility. "Voight? Finally! Somebody answered. It's Kyle Casey and I'm using the phone tree that was instituted but nobody is answering the phone. I guess they're all on a call."

"What's going on?"

"My ride isn't here and isn't coming. I'm supposed to call for somebody to pick me up."

"Can you go back into the school?"

"It closes up at 4:00."

"What time is it now?"

"4:00." Kyle replied.

"Dammit," Voight said as he squinted his eyes. "Okay. I'm too far away to get to you in a timely manner. Have you tried Antonio?"

"Yes."

"Halstead?"

"I don't have his number," Kyle said.

"What type of public transportation is nearby?"

"Bus. The stop isn't far from here and the it's due at 4:05."

"How far is the stop from you house?"

"Two blocks. Between the stops and the traffic it'll take over thirty minutes for me to get there."

"Okay. Get on the bus and I'll figure something out."

"Okay," Kyle said as he headed for the bus stop.

"Oh, Kyle, your dad said you two have a code word in case he has to have someone unfamiliar pick you up or call you. I may have to use that."

"Okay." Kyle repeated.

He had gotten on the bus and texted Voight that he was safely on. Then he group texted Matt, Kelly and Gabby as to what was going on. He didn't want leave any room for error. He was sure they were tied up at a call as he was certain somebody would have answered him by now otherwise. But as the bus neared his stop he still hadn't heard back from anyone, including Voight. He wasn't sure what to do but had no desire to continue to ride the bus all over the north side so he hopped out at his stop. He made sure to be aware of his surroundings as he crept towards home. He felt stupid with his vigilance but wanted to be able to tell his father that he had been careful. As he got within a block of the apartment he saw a figure stick their head out of the door of his building and then duck back in. He stopped where he was and was debating as to how paranoid he was when suddenly a hand clamped over his mouth and pulled him into a nearby alley.

"Are you Kyle?" The voice hissed.

Kyle wasn't sure how to respond. The voice didn't sound familiar, but that really didn't mean anything. All he could think of was that he was going to die and his father would be devastated and never forgive him. How arrogant he had been to think that he could be the ultimate winner in this game. As he was still lost in his own tumultuous thoughts his captor spoke again. "Voight sent us. He told me to tell you fifty-one. I'm going to take my hand away from your mouth. Don't scream."

Kyle nodded vigorously. When the hand was removed Kyle turned around and found a lanky Hispanic male around nineteen or twenty. He was wearing baggy jeans, a jacket that looked like it had seen better days, and didn't seem warm enough to keep the chill from working its way inside. He had short dark hair, and a tattoo of an eagle on his neck. "You're Kyle right?" He asked, his voice pleading that Kyle reply in the affirmative.

"Yeah. Fifty-one was the code word."

"Good. I'm Angel and this is Luis." He said pointing a kid of similar age and stature. "Voight sent us, said he couldn't get here in time and didn't want you alone. Said we were supposed to sit with you in your apartment until he got here, but we seen this dude duckin' in and out of the front door so we stayed here and watched for you."

"I saw him too, but not well enough to tell who he was." Kyle said trying to catch his breath.

"Think it might be the dude after you?"

"Maybe," Kyle shrugged. "But I never told him where I lived."

"Don't matter. People want to know things, they'll find them out." Angel said as another guy showed up.

"Can't see shit from the back." He said as he stopped just short of the small gathering.

"That's Ernesto," Angel said. "We need to get out of here for now and call the Sergeant."

"How?" Ernesto asked. "We walk in front of him he sticks out in the back, open to whatever might come our way. Put him in front of us and folks will think we're following him and will call the cops."

Kyle just looked confused. "We stick out in this hood. We're a shade too dark." Luis said, his own neck tattoo bobbing up and down with his Adam's apple. Kyle wasn't quite sure what it depicted other than some kind of intricate design.

"How'd you get here?" Kyle asked.

"Car." All three responded.

"Well, somebody go get it," Kyle said. "Pull up right there and we jump in."

"Don't have to go get it," Ernesto said as he pulled out his phone and barked orders into it. One minute later some kind of older American four door vehicle screeched to halt right in front of the guys.

Angel grabbed the strap of the backpack that Kyle had on and quickly hauled him towards the curbside and the back door and with one movement opened it and gently slung the boy inside. Within mere seconds they were loaded up and heading down the street. While they waited at the stop light, from his spot between Angel and Ernesto, Kyle looked back and saw the guy who had been lurking around his apartment hurdle the small fence and run up the street. He swallowed hard and turned to look at his small gang of saviors.

"So, Voight called you guys?"

"Yep. Said we was supposed to grab you up and stay with you. I just texted him to say your place wasn't safe and we was riding around." Angel said.

Kyle shrugged out of his backpack and pulled it around and held it in his lap. He then leaned forward towards the driver and introduced himself. "I'm Kyle," he said flashing a smile.

The driver just kept bobbing his head to unheard music as his right arm was draped over the steering wheel. "Bob," he mumbled back.

"Luis, Angel, Ernesto and Bob?" Kyle questioned.

"Short for Roberto," he said.

"Makes sense," Kyle said.

"How old are you?" Luis asked from the front passenger seat.

"Eleven."

"Your small for your age."

"I know," he sighed.

"Voight texted," Angel said looking down at his phone. "He said keep driving, make lot's of turns and keep him—keep him"

"Let the kid read it," Ernesto said. "You can't read for shit."

Angel stared at the words for another few seconds and finally in defeat he aimed the screen in Kyle's direction. "It says, 'keep driving, make lots of turns, keep me apprised of your situation. Keep him with you at all times' and then he added a few explanation points."

"What's apprised?" Angel asked.

"It means keep him updated of what's going on." Kyle replied.

"Duh," Luis teased.

"Like your stupid ass knew." Angel said. "What grade are you in?"

"Sixth."

"You smart?"

"Is that a question or a statement?" Kyle asked.

"I'm askin'," Angel responded.

"I do okay."

"I'm hungry," Bob said as they hit a block that held several fast food restaurants. "I'm thinking burgers."

"We had burgers for lunch," Luis argued. "Pizza."

"I ain't eating pizza in the car," Ernesto complained.

"Chicken it is," Bob said as he made a quick right into the drive through lane. "Extra crispy or extra spicy?"

"What's the kid want?" Luis asked.

"I'm fine, thanks." Kyle replied.

"Get crispy, that's the best kind," Ernesto said.

A few minutes later a bucket of chicken was being passed around along with a huge wad of napkins. Cups filled with soda were passed to the backseat, including one for Kyle. He smiled and accepted it, but the looked at it as if it held hot lava.

"Eat up. It's why you so small—you don't eat." Ernesto stated as he shoved the bucket towards Kyle.

Kyle put his backpack on top of his feet and took the chicken, only to pass it over to Angel.

"You gotta eat. Don't you like chicken?"

"Only when it still has feathers and is walking around," Kyle said as turned and looked out the back window.

"What's that mean?" Bob asked. "You eat it alive?"

"I don't eat it at all," he said as the hairs on the back of his neck began to stand up.

"You don't know what your missing," Ernesto said holding up a greasy leg.

Kyle raised his eyebrows and gave a weak smile.

"Voight texted again," Angel said pushing the phone towards Kyle, not wanting to touch it with his greasy fingers.

Kyle looked at the screen. "I know where he's at. He wants us to head that way." Kyle texted back. "I told him we'd meet him at 51."

"What's your code word got to do with this?" Angel asked.

"It's where my dad works. I'll give you directions." Kyle looked back down as the screen lit up again. "He said if he is there to stop, but if he isn't there keep circling the block until he gets there. I told him I think we're being followed."

"What?" Bob asked looking up at the rear-view mirror.

"That car has been back there since before we stopped for the food," Kyle said.

"You are smart," Angel said. "You a good reader?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good you can teach that dumbass," Luis said throwing his head back towards Angel.

"You shouldn't say that. Everyone has different strengths." Kyle said, defending his new friend.

"Except for him." Ernesto said. "He can't even read."

"Yes he can. I heard him."

"Just the real easy words," Bob chimed in.

Kyle had pulled out his notebook from his bag and was flipping through it's pages until he found what he was looking for. He cleared his throat and read the quote he had sought out. " _Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid."_

"What is that supposed to mean?" Luis asked.

"Albert Einstein said that and it makes sense."

"It does?" Angel asked.

"Yeah. If you expect something that isn't able to be given while ignoring that persons other abilities you are focusing on the wrong things. If you judge the fish on something he can't do, it will feel like a failure. If you you judge a monkey on his ability to swim it will have the same effect. But if you judge the monkey on it's abilities to climb a tree he will believe he is a genius and if you judge a fish on its abilities to swim it will be a genius. Not everyone can be good at everything."

"If you say so," Luis said.

"He sensed the car behind us. Maybe he's smarter than all of us," Ernesto said.

Kyle barked out some more directions and then looked over at Angel. "Is that an eagle on your neck?"

"Yeah. I always thought they was cool. Free."

"I saw some last month when I was down south. They were beautiful."

"What was you down south for?" Angel asked.

"To get my head straight."

"Did it work?"

"Maybe a little bit."

"So what's this 51?" Bob asked. "A motel or something?"

"Right there," Kyle pointed, his arm up between the seats. The garage doors were down indicating that more than likely the station was empty. "I think that's Voight coming this way," he said of the car coming from the opposite direction. "Pull into the driveway."

"It's a firehouse. Cool!" Bob said slamming on the brakes leaving some rubber on the pristine driveway.

But before anyone could move the car that Kyle had feared was following them pulled in right next to them. The exhaust seemed to envelope them as they all exited the car. Angel tried to push Kyle back into the car, but he managed to slip out anyway. As he stood up he realized he was still holding the soda that they had bought him earlier.

Kyle immediately recognized Brock who had jumped out of the car and stood in front of two of his brethren who had also exited the vehicle. They were slightly behind him and to his left and right, making some kind of bizarre triangle. He found that he also knew the one on Brock's right. His name was Wade and he had been the second in command. Following the almighty leader, Douglas around and doing whatever bidding needed to be done. The third man's name was a mystery, though Kyle felt a spark of recognition.

"You running?" Wade asked as he folded his arms in some kind of show of force or maybe it was just frustration.

"You chasing?" Bob asked.

"Only if you're running," Wade replied.

"This conversation is going nowhere," Kyle said stepping forward. "What do you want?"

"To see if the rumor that you were alive was right. I see that it is. Guess Brock failed."

"How did you find me?" Kyle asked.

"Chicago is big, but not big enough."

"Thanks, that clears it all up."

"You may have thought you escaped, but we don't take to failure so easily." Wade continued.

"I would imagine that you will get used to it," Ernesto said.

"Shut-up spic. Ain't nobody talking to you. I can't believe you are hiding behind these brown intruders." Wade said glaring at Kyle.

"Hey, I was born in Skokie," Ernesto stated.

"I'm not hiding. And ain't isn't a word," Kyle said. "I guess I don't merit enough attention to get Douglas out here to fight his own battles."

"We got this," Wade answered as he pulled out his weapon and aimed it at Kyle and his new friends.

"Hey! Put it down!" Voight yelled from the far side of his car that he had parked on the edge of the driveway.

"That ain't gonna happen," Wade yelled back still staring at Kyle.

"I just told you that ain't isn't a word," Kyle yelled as he threw the cup of soda at him causing enough of a distraction to allow all four of his companions to pull out their own weapons.

"Holy shit," Kyle gasped as he heard and saw the action. He looked over and saw nameless dude had produced a piece of his own, leaving Kyle and Brock as the only ones not holding any iron.

"Well, now we got ourselves a party. _**Ain't**_ we?" Wade said emphasizing his favorite word.

"I'm telling you to put your weapons down now," Voight shouted again. But nobody paid attention to him.

"Brock failed—"

"Yeah we covered that," Luis said, speaking for the first time. His face was motionless and his aim precise.

"He may have failed but I fooled you all." Kyle stated as bravely as he could muster.

"You did. But you fooled him first." Wade said in an even voice as he aimed the gun and fired. The body folded up immediately and crashed to the concrete. The blood began to stain and spread reminding Kyle of a glass of spilled cherry Kool-Aid.

"What the fuck," they guys said in unison as they prepared to fire.

Kyle looked confused as he took in Brock's crumpled body. "You're next," Wade promised as Angel stepped in front of his young charge and yanked him towards the other side of the car.

"You ain't taking another step," Ernesto said. "There's three of us and only two of you."

"And a shit ton more of us," Antonio said. Because while they had been busy hashing out the word ain't, back-up had arrived and quietly surrounded the group. Not only that, but Truck, Squad and the ambulance had all returned and were barely being held back by the few officers that weren't in the mix of battle.

Wade and companion who had been shoved to the ground and manhandled were handcuffed and hauled back to their feet as Kyle came back around the car in time to see Gabby and Brett check on Brock.

"You're dead boy. You hear me? What happened to him," Wade said nodding towards Brock's body, "that'll be you. You're worse than one of them, you're a traitor to your race."

"I'm proud of who I am but that doesn't mean I have to hate anybody else for simply being who they are and what they are proud of. You are the disgrace," Kyle yelled until Antonio stepped over and grabbed him.

"Calm down. Let's go over here. Come on," he said pulling Kyle away with Angel on their heels.

"Oh sure just arrest the white people—I see how you all are," the nameless man shouted out as it was becoming clear they were the only ones being taken into custody.

"How are we going to sort this all out.?" Halstead asked.

"We're going to have to have statements," Voight said as he looked at the body on the pavement. "Get everyone inside."

Voight had already taken away the guns from the other three and now Antonio gently pulled Angels' gun from him. "Sorry, I forgot I had it."

Antonio turned and saw Matt heading their way so he moved out of the way to help herd the rest of the group inside.

"Who was that?" Angel asked.

"My uncle, well my step-uncle but I get tired of saying step all the time."

"Cool."

"Are you okay?" Matt asked as he appeared next to his son, pulling him into an embrace.

"Just fine. This is my new friend Angel. He helped protect me. Angel this is my dad."

"Matt Casey," Matt said sticking his hand out. "I saw that. Thank you for watching out for him."

"We were supposed to watch out for him so I did."

Chief Boden was the next one to arrive in front of Kyle. He didn't say anything just picked him up and embraced him and then set him back down and walked away. Finally Gabby came over. "You okay?" She asked as she hugged him. 

"Fine. Brock?"

"He's gone. He was dead before he hit the pavement."

"I'm glad he didn't suffer."

"You're sure you're okay?" Gabby asked again.

"Positive."

"I'll check on you again in a little bit." Gabby promised as Kyle nodded at the protective nature of his step-mother.

"I can't believe they shot his ass. I thought they was going after us." Angel said after she departed.

"I heard their top man and I mean top, top man doesn't take to failure very well. They probably got more brownie points for taking out the guy who made the mistake than killing a kid." Ernesto said.

"How do you know this?" Gabby asked.

"The street has lots of voices, you just have to listen."

"Voight wants everyone to write out a statement," Halstead said. "Hey we need to get these vehicles moved." He yelled out to no one in particular.

"Kyle I don't write so good." Angel said as leaned over and whispered.

"It's okay. I'm here. I'll help you."

"Thanks," he smiled. Angel had always taken crap for his struggles with reading and writing. He rarely received help and when he did he was made to feel like less of person because of his learning disability. Kyle was the first one that hadn't condemned him for his flaws. He only hoped it would last.

Back in the firehouse Voight gave them a narrative to follow so things fell a little bit more into place than they may have originally. As Kyle promised he helped Angel and wasn't at all condescending or frustrated while he gave the assistance.

"Hey this nice having the cops on our side," Luis said as he finished up. "Are we going to get our guns back?"

"Are they registered to you?" Halstead asked.

"No man, you know that."

"Then no."

"But we saved the kid." He complained.

"And for that we are forever grateful."

"You hungry?" Kelly asked as he came up to Kyle. "There's some bagels in the freezer I can toast for you."

"Sure. Angel are you hungry?" Kyle asked.

Angel was about to respond when his crew stood up and began to stretch and get ready to leave. "Guess I'm leaving. Thanks for helping me with the statement."

"Not a problem."

"It's just that people—well there ain't much help for me. Um, I mean there isn't much help. Did you really mean what you said about the fish climbing the tree?"

"Sure. We all have things we're good at and things we suck at. I'd be happy to help you with your reading, but I may suck at being a teacher."

Angel laughed. "I'd like to find out."

"Absolutely," Kyle said grabbing Angels phone off of the table and swiped his way inside after Angel unlocked it. "I put my name and number in there. Just let me know when and where."

"Kyle!" Matt called out. "Can you come here please?"

"You'll have to ask your dad first." Angel said. "But I'll call you."

"Sounds good."

"Are you going to be in trouble?"

"Probably. Staying out of it is something else I suck at."

Angel laughed as he waved goodbye. He passed by Voight, Antonio and Jay Halstead who were talking.

"That kid, he's going to be force to be reckoned with," Jay commented as he looked over at Kyle.

"He'll make a great cop." Antonio said. "A great addition to any task force."

Voight snorted. "Addition? He'd lead the damn task force."

Kyle made his way to his father whose eyes gave the off several emotions from relief, to concern to frustration, so Kyle thought he had better play it safe.

"Yes sir?"

"Uh oh," Kelly said as he showed up with bagel on a plate. "Never good when he uses sir."

Kyle rolled his eyes, but knew that Kelly was right. He only tended to use the formal noun when something was very wrong and he was teetering on the brink of disaster. "Thanks Kelly," Kyle said taking the bagel.

"Why don't you come into my quarters," Matt said.

"Okay," Kyle sighed as he trailed his father back to quarters. "Am I in trouble? Because I did what I was supposed to. I called everybody, but nobody answered and I couldn't go back into the school and Voight was the only one who answered and I did everything he said."

"I know. We were on a call and it wasn't until we were back in the truck did I notice your missed calls and texts."

"It must have been a long one."

"Apartment fire."

"Was everyone okay?"

"Yes, thankfully they were. But are you okay?"

Kyle nodded as he was chewing on a large chunk of bagel. "I'm good," he snuffled, his mouth full.

"Did you see what happened to Brock? That could have been you. It may have been you."

"Look Dad I know all about the consequences. I've heard the speech before."

"And you're damn well going to hear it again."

"But why?" Kyle made the mistake of asking.

Matt's eyes got huge as he grabbed the plate of food from his son. "You just can't seem to get it. What happened today? Tell me what happened to you today?" 

Kyle swallowed and felt the wave of fear that had slid off of his father and splashed right in his face. "I-I." He stuttered.

The rage continued to roil across Matt's face. "You what? Let's review. You couldn't walk home by yourself, because the man that attempted to kill you was still unaccounted for. So that forces you to call a long list of people. But unfortunately nearly all of them were unavailable, expect for the one that you hate—the one you were forced to seek help from and trust. So he steps in and the only help he can find are a group of gang bangers. And thank god they came along because your worst nightmare—your shooter is waiting for you. So now the chase is on and you zig-zag around the city and finally come to rest here at 51, our home away from home. But oh, the show isn't over yet, because now there's a face off in front of the firehouse—an armed standoff," Matt said putting his finger and pointing it towards Kyle. "A man is then shot at point blank range in the head—and that's the good news because at least it isn't you or any of the people protecting you. But what if, what if Kyle James, Voight hadn't been there and back-up hadn't gotten to the scene? What then?"

Kyle just sat mute, trying to absorb everything his father was hurling at him. "I don't know," he finally said, managing a whisper.

"That's right. You don't know what could have happened or how many others could have lost their lives because of your actions. And now for the encore you are once again threatened."

"But they'll be in jail." Kyle argued.

"Let's hope they stay there for a long time."

"But—" Kyle tried.

"I know—Danny's alive. And you don't know how grateful I am for that. But we really don't know what would have happened if you hadn't gotten involved with that group. It could have been a totally different scenario. You just don't seem to get it Kyle. You were digging your own grave and somehow you escaped. You—" Matt couldn't finish.

"I'm sorry Dad."

Matt took a big breath. "You are starting a war you have no business being in, and one you can't possibly finish. You are not immortal. You are a little boy. My little boy. A boy that I love with my entire being and refuse to lose to the violence that you invited into your life. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Kyle took a moment before he answered. "Yes sir, I do."

"Do you understand how serious this is? There was a dead body in the driveway—someone you saw killed in front of you."

"I know. I didn't—"

"That's right you didn't." Matt finished. "You didn't," he repeated as he wiped a tear away.

"I'm sorry," Kyle replied, letting loose with a few tears of his own. "I am."

"I know you are. But I just need you to know through and through that you can't predict the consequences that rain down from your inappropriate decisions. Stop thinking you are Superman."

"Gretchen? Did you tell her what happened?" Kyle asked suddenly.

"I spoke with her. Sent her home."

"So I'm staying here tonight?"

"You bet your ass you are. I already talked to Chief and we'll leave early tomorrow so we can go home and get you ready for school."

"I have to go to school?"

"You want to play cops and killers—it doesn't infringe on school time. In fact do you have homework?"

"Yeah, I think so," Kyle said.

"You think so?"

"I do," Kyle admitted.

"Then get to it!"

Kyle sighed. "Yes sir."

Kyle retreated back to the Squad table where he had seen Kelly set his backpack down after they had all come in from outside earlier that evening. Cap and Cruise were sitting there along with Kelly. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. But I have to do my homework now."

"Then you better get to it," Kelly advised.

"I am. In a minute," Kyle said as he jogged after Voight who had just walked out.

"That kid," Cap said. "He is something else."

"Yeah. I worry about him playing with fire, but I'm beginning to think that he is the fire."

"Voight," Kyle yelled out at the Sergeant.

The detective stopped near where Brock had lost his life. Otis and Kidd were trying to scrub the blood from the driveway since it had been photographed and studied already. The site had been quickly released so it could be cleaned up.

"Yes?" He asked as he turned towards the younger Casey. Kyle paused and looked at the aftermath being washed away as if it never happened. As if Brock and his hatred had never existed. But Kyle knew that hate couldn't be wiped away as easily.

"Thank you Sergeant. Thanks for helping me, for answering your phone when nobody else could."

"Sergeant? How formal. I'm glad I could help."

"Our relationship has been tenuous at best. I have never forgiven you for what you did all those years ago and I don't know that I ever will. That I ever can. My dad was doing the right thing and you wanted him dead for that. I understand that you wanted to protect your son, but there are lines that just can't be crossed and you crossed them. You were willing to take my father away from me just so your son wouldn't have to face the consequences that he deserved.

"But maybe I should have been the one dead out there tonight and maybe without your help I would have been. And for that I thank you for not hesitating despite my feelings for you."

"The dark hides a lot of things. I saw your eyes when Brock went down. You had same the look that me and my guys do. It was a flicker but it was there. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Kyle nodded. "I do. It means I'm going to sleep very well tonight. It's like a part of me switched off when I saw him die. But the rest of me can function just fine without it. One of the reasons that I hate you so much is because I see parts of myself in you, and I don't think I like it very much."

Voight sighed. "Sometimes people get hurt when you in you're in a race to make a difference. Sometimes you have to have tunnel vision and look only at the end result or the result your are trying to reach."

"I guess."

"How'd you get so smart as such a young age?"

Kyle shrugged. "Good gene pool mixed with enough tragedy to make me understand how cruel the world can be?"

"When I was struggling with Justin I was given a quote by Margaret Mead. It went something like this, 'children must be taught how to think, not what to think'. I don't think anyone has a prayer in telling you what to think. You have to figure it out on your own. And I hope that you do. You've had a lot of secrets."

"Sometimes secrets are a matter of survival."

"That they are young man. That they are."

In the days to come Kyle would be forced to hold onto even more secrets.


	35. Whatever It Takes

Thanks to all who are reading and for the reviews. I wish I could respond to the guest reviews...they are much appreciated.

 **Whatever It Takes**

Kyle had gotten an invitation to an outing with several friends to to an arcade later that Saturday night. Hoping he could go he quickly texted his dad and after getting no response he called him.

"So can I go?" He asked as Matt answered.

"I'm afraid not. You know the ground rules that were set up and that doesn't fall within those."

"That is so not fair. I've been good and done everything you wanted so why can't I go?"

"I'm on my way to pick you up now and we can talk about it when I get there," Matt responded.

"Right. We don't talk you just tell me no."

"Kyle, you know the reason I say no."

"Cause I'm punished forever. Whatever!" Kyle yelled and hung up.

Kelly looked over at the boy and shook his head, his patience had just bottomed out and he was in no mood to hang back.

"Come here," he said sternly.

Kyle, who was across the room looked back at over his shoulder with a look on his face that Kelly was about to wipe off by any means he felt necessary. "Now!" He stated.

Kyle ambled over as he slid his phone in his pocket. "What?!"

"First of all, do not take that tone with me. Second of all, you do not talk to your father like that do you understand me?"

"What's your deal?" Kyle asked.

Kyle had spent the majority of his time with either Matt, Gabby or Kelly having a night here or there with one of the other members of 51. Just as Matt had promised he had had very little freedom and had to endure months full of shifts and carpentry work. But it now appeared that the boy had forgotten his part in bringing this sentence down upon himself. And Kelly was tired of the attitude that had been on a slow simmer and just perked up to a boil.

"I'll tell you what my deal is. Your attitude!"

"I just want to spend a night with my friends."

"Then you shouldn't have gone off all half-cocked last winter. What you did had consequences, consequences that had far reaching effects. Don't you get that?"

"But it's over, Brock and his buddies aren't an issue anymore."

Kelly looked at him in disbelief. "You don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

Kelly looked as if his head was going to pop off at any second. "When you were little, six I believe, your father caught you playing with matches and setting leaves on fire. Do you remember that?" Kyle seemed to think for a moment before nodding that he did. "What do you think would have happened if you had continued to play with fire?"

Kyle shrugged.

Not willing to accept that as an answer Kelly pushed. "Try. I"m sure you can come up with something."

"I might have set something on fire that wouldn't have been able to put out easily."

"Keep going."

"I could have set myself on fire or gotten burned."

"Tragic possibilities. But your dad found you and stopped you and so nothing bad happened."

"And that's what he's doing now? Stopping me so that I don't wander off and set myself on fire while I'm with my friends?"

"No smartass. He's ensuring that you understand how dangerous your actions have been because you sure as hell haven't seemed to be able to grasp it on your own."

"Yes I have."

"No. You. Haven't. You haven't seen the damage any of your antics have caused. You purposely worried everyone while you gallivanted around the city. You were told not to see that addict Ben by yourself, but you ignored your father and eventually found him dead. You didn't go to him when Hannah had problems and she ended up getting a gun, god only knows how badly that could have ended. You go to a high school party and end up treating a stabbing victim and I still believe there is more to that story than you've told. And of course we can't forget your little trip to the inside of a white supremacy group that led to a shootout at the firehouse. Plus I'm sure there is more that I have forgotten."

"What's your point," Kyle snapped.

Kelly ran his fingers through his hair to help subdue his anger before he answered. "My point, young man, is that every time you leap before you look you put not only yourself in danger but those around you as well. How many people were at risk when that stand-off happened at the firehouse? Hmm? And what about your father had to go through those horrific day's sitting at your bedside while you were in the hospital plus the healing time afterward? Not knowing if you were going to live or die and then not knowing if you were ever going to be whole again. And don't think for one minute that you are fooling anybody—I know you are still suffering with some of the aftereffects of your injury." Kelly said pointing his finger at Kyle who he was certain still dealt with some headaches and vision issues.

"Did you ever think for one second what it was like for me to carry your lifeless body across that lot? You made a huge production when you thought that your father and I were going to die in that factory fire, but then you are so reckless with your own life. What do you think his life would be like if he lost you? What would mine be like?

"My point is that you aren't six years old anymore and should know better. You are so smart and so mature at times, but here you are fighting it and showing a total lack of respect to the people around you that you have hurt the most with your actions. You are responsible for your crappy circumstances and no one else. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, quit playing with matches," Kyle said as he turned and began to walk away from Kelly.

Kelly was not going to be denied, not this time. He stepped over and grabbed Kyle by the arm and spun him around. "I don't get your bravado kid. Do you remember what happened when you got caught playing with those matches? Do you?" Kyle's face suddenly clouded over. "You are starting fires and you aren't the only one being consumed by them."

Kyle looked at Kelly, his face was uncertain. "I remember watching the orange glow of the flame as it hissed alive. I thought it had killed my mother and I knew that it stalked my father every shift. I wanted to be in control of it." 

"But you can't be Kyle. Even with training and equipment we can only do the best we can. But somehow I think you're using it as a metaphor."

"No. Yes. Both literal and metaphorical. Sometimes I want to grow up so fast and other times I want to stay young and sometimes I don't know what I want."

"You want to help people and you can do that other ways than throwing yourself into the middle of an impending disaster. We handed out sandwiches and bottled water to the homeless last week. You and your dad walked dogs at the shelter a few weeks before that. You are helping Angel improve his reading skills. There are ways that we can help together, you just have to stop doing what you have been doing. You are not being fair to your father or me for that matter."

"I remember what happened when I got caught with those matches," Kyle said, his face now reflecting composure. "He shouldn't have felt bad."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I got what I deserved and Dad shouldn't have felt bad about it I think he always second guesses himself: overthinks. But he just reacted that day and it was okay. Sometimes I think I just need him to react."

"Have you played with matches since?"

Kyle shook his head back and forth. "Not once."

There had been a time or two in the past when Kelly had used a swift smack to the butt to detour Kyle from a less than desirable behavior that he was intent on trying. It had always worked instantly. He had had a long talk with Matt after the first occurrence and was told that he was trusted enough to employ whatever means he felt was necessary to assist Kyle in making the right choices. But it had been few and far between and not at all recent. Kelly felt that it was more the threat that it had happened and could happen again than the actual act itself. What happened between father and son beyond the one incident was anyone's guess.

"So what are you saying Kelly?" Kyle asked.

"I actually have no idea. But you need to turn yourself around and give your dad a break. It would be great if you would just do what your told without any drama."

"I did, when my ride didn't show up that day I called the list I was supposed and then listened to the directions I was given. Not that there were that many, so I had to wing it. I had no idea they were coming after me."

"Exactly. You had no idea how big the scope of this was and a lot of people could have gotten hurt. You did what were you were told and that may very well have saved your life, but what happened was beyond your control. Collateral damage kid. Do you know what that means?"

"Yeah. My dad explained it to me last summer. But in my defense nobody ever told me not to infiltrate a neo-Nazi group."

"Are you serious right now?"

"I get what you're saying. But stuff just comes flying at me and I react."

"That's a cop-out and you know it. The reckless behavior stops now. Do you understand me?"

"It has stopped."

"Has it? Because I swear to god kid I will dip into my bag of tricks and pull out something that you will not like. Am I clear?"

Kyle opened his mouth to say something but there was a knock at the door and then Matt entered not waiting for a response. "How's it going? Kyle—"

Kyle turned and ran over to his father and wrapped his arms around him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave you a hard time."

Matt looked over at Kelly, his eyes full of questions. "We had a talk," Kelly responded hoping that maybe, just maybe the boy was beginning to understand the way the world worked.

"I'd say so." Matt agreed as he held his son and rubbed his back. "You okay?"

Kyle pulled back and nodded. "I'm fine."

"What'd you talk about?" Matt asked.

Kelly nodded at Kyle. "Tell him."

"How I haven't been fair to you and my behavior has far reaching consequences. Speaking of which." Kyle said.

"What? What happened now?" Kelly asked, his guard suddenly back up.

"I didn't do anything—I swear."

"But—" Matt asked. "Do I need to sit down?"

"Maybe you should. I found out something today. We don't have to worry about those two guys that killed Brock. Oliver and Wade."

"They were in prison, so they weren't really a huge concern." Matt said as he found the couch and sat down.

"What happened?" Kelly asked.

"I found out they were killed in prison."

"Accidentally?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, they accidentally fell on a shiv."

Both the men just stood there speechless.

"I guess I have friends in all kinds of places," Kyle smiled weakly. "Or it could be a coincidence. I mean they were jerks and probably mouthed off to the wrong people."

"Oh I'm sure that's what it was," Kelly said sitting down next to Matt who had grabbed his phone and stood up as soon as Kelly had sat down.

"You stay right here," he said as he pointed at Kyle and stabbed at his contact list.

"Collateral damage Kyle," Kelly said.

"Like I care about them. They were racists assholes and got what they deserved."

"Watch your mouth."

"And they killed somebody right in front of a group of people. They killed the guy that had tried to kill me and Danny. No big loss." Kyle continued, undeterred.

"And yet, you should have never been involved. How did you find out?" Kyle stayed quiet. "Angel?"

"His reading is coming along really well." Kyle replied

"Uh huh." Kelly said.

"He obviously didn't do it. He had heard about it and thought I should know."

Matt put his phone in his pocket and looked over at Kyle and Kelly. "A fight broke out in the yard, two casualties. They had both been stabbed. Tensions had been high between all of the races and the two victims had never been shy about who they swore their allegiances to."

"See, they sealed their own fate and I don't feel the least bit bad about it." Kyle stated while Matt just looked exhausted as if he couldn't handle one more thing. "They lived how they died—violently and on the edge."

Matt looked over at his son, his eyes uncertain at first. "I don't even know what to say to that. You, mister, are eleven years old and shouldn't even be aware of any of these things happening. It's hardened you."

"No it hasn't. I never have a problem when a hate-filled piece of crap dies."

"You shouldn't have been anywhere near a loop where you would have heard about this, that this news would have any sort of impact on you. But here we are. How did this all happen? How did everything fall apart?"

"Nothing fell apart. It fell into place. Karma, Dad. I'm alive, Danny's alive and those guys aren't. Hate doesn't lead anywhere positive."

Matt ran his hand through his hair as Kelly closed in on Kyle. "Stop inserting yourself into these situations. Hate doesn't lead anywhere positive neither does recklessness. What did we talk about before your dad came?"

Kyle thought for a second before he looked back at Kelly. "Don't play with matches?"

"Exactly. The fire you set months ago may have finally burned out—or maybe not. Time will have to tell. Do you get the ramifications of your decisions?"

Kyle sighed. "Yeah I do."

"Do you really? Do you want to leave him with me tonight?" Kelly asked Matt. "I can bring him with me to the firehouse in the morning."

"No," Matt replied quickly. "I think we need to discuss a few things ourselves."

"Great," Kyle said with a forced smile.

 **The ride home was quiet.** Kyle had hoped that perhaps that they'd stop some place public and have their little chat, but apparently this discussion was going to take place behind closed doors and as soon as the door closed behind them Matt turned and looked at his son. "Tell me every last damn detail."

"You think I called in a hit with my prison friends? Come on Dad, you give me way too much credit. How far do you think my reach goes? How do you even think I have a reach?"

"So you had no idea and nothing to do with it?"

Kyle opened his mouth to answer, but hesitated as the memories came flooding in.

 _ **Two weeks ago**_

"Did you go over those sentences I showed you?" Kyle asked as he and Angel sat down at a table in the corner of the library.

"I did. Why is it all so complicated? Why are some letters silent sometimes and other times not?"

"Because the English language is taken from other languages and each has it's own rules."

"I don't get why it's pronounced bin, but when it's b-i-n-d, it's said a different way. Why scene like scenery and seen, like see are said the same and are spelled almost alike but have two different meanings...grrr."

Kyle smiled. "I know, but you're getting there. And you won't be perfect. Heck I've heard TV reporters screw up words.

Angel turned and suddenly looked serious. "I'm expecting a phone call and you need to hear it. It will be—well it will be in kind of a code. Those two guys that were arrested that day—"

"What about them?" Kyle asked.

"That threat they threw your way while they were being hauled off—they're making it real."

"How? They're in prison. I mean they were like fast-tracked to Stateville from county."

"Now, it's my turn to explain things to you. They have friends on the outside that believe you to be a traitor to their race and for the right price they will be happy to end you and maybe your friend too."

"So they don't subscribe to cheap hate." Angel looked at him with a confused look. "They aren't willing to do it for old fashioned satisfaction. They need a pay day to do the deed."

"Too much risk to do it for free. They know you have friends in high places."

"Voight?"

"Him, and everyone under him. They're all on your side. Not good people to mess with."

"And?" Kyle asked as he saw Angel make a face.

"Nothing. Nothing else."

"Who ordered this? Their deaths? Who's behind it? Your family?"

Angel shrugged. "Not sure, but whoever it is that said it have people jumping. If they're offed then their outside deal to kill you will fall apart. They need to die sooner than later. Somebody is definitely looking out for your ass."

"So what are you saying?" Kyle asked as Angel's phone rang indicating it was a collect call from the nearby prison. They both looked around and found themselves alone in a quiet corner of the library.

After accepting the charges Angel greeted his uncle in Spanish before switching to English. "So how is your reading? Did you show your book to your friend?"

Angel looked over at Kyle and put his finger to his lips indicating that he shouldn't say anything. "I did, but he just got started on the story."

"Did you explain to him about the bad dudes in the woods who think that they are hunting the campers are actually being tracked by a bear?"

"I did."

"So, in your book club you discuss what you think, right? Does the book club think that the bear will win or the men?"

Kyle looked at Angel understanding what the conversation was really about. He scribbled down something on a page in notebook that Angel had brought.

"Yes, we all agree that the predator will become the prey. The men in the woods are so focused on what is in front of them that they have neglected to look behind them."

"Ahhh. They believe they are the only predators out there. I think this book club is good for you. You are learning lots of new words. Well, maybe next time we talk you can tell me how it turned it out."

Uncle and nephew spoke for several more minutes as Kyle just sat in stunned silence. After Angel hung up Kyle looked at him. "So I get why you can't just come out and talk about what is really happening but what if there is ever cause to ask about the book? I mean, what if would have to produce it?"

Angel pulled his notebook back revealing an old hardcover book that looked like it was out of the sixties with a black and white sketch of two men with knives and large bear in the background, surrounded by washed out colors. The title 'Danger in the Woods' was written in squiggly letters at the top.

"Well I'll be damned," Kyle said. "Kinda like Moby Dick."

"Who's that?" Angel asked.

"An old book. Man versus whale."

"Who won?"

Kyle smiled. "The whale."

"I hope the bear wins," Angel replied. "And I think he will."

"Whatever it takes," Kyle said.

 _ **Current time**_

"I knew," Kyle spat out. "I not only knew but I agreed to it. Not that my blessing mattered all that much."

"What!?" Matt asked as he stepped towards his son.

"They were going to have me killed and possibly Danny too. We couldn't take that risk. Plus, who knows who else might have gotten hurt."

"How?" Matt asked.

Kyle told him the story of the afternoon in the library. "I'm sorry Dad. I didn't know what else to do. But really, it would have happened no matter what I would have wanted."

Matt was rendered speechless and sat down on the couch before he fell over. Somehow his altruistic eleven year old son had been caught in the midst of violence likened to the mafia. "Voight said they couldn't tell—it had been a big melee, but he of course he could see the coincidence."

"Voight knows."

"Christ," Matt mumbled as he wiped his hand across his mouth. "How the hell did our lives take this turn?"

"You wanted to know the truth and that's it. You told me no more lies, to man up and always tell you the truth no matter how much trouble I'd be in. So there it is—the truth. You wanted transparency, I gave you transparency. I guess I do feel better. This is probably something I shouldn't bring up in therapy."

Matt just sat there stunned.

"They were going to have the job finished that they couldn't do last spring—that Angel, Ernesto, Luis and Bob saved me from. I defended myself. The truth doesn't always make things right, but at least you know what it is now. Are you okay?" Kyle asked as Matt just continued to sit stunned on the couch.

"I just wanted it to be over. Do you think it's over now? I know I messed up so bad, but it has to be over now right? Maybe I'm sorry they're dead, but it was their choices that really ended up killing them right?"

Kyle continued.

Matt finally stood up and embraced his son. "Yeah, I'm sure it's over now. Please tell me that you will never get involved with anything like this again."

"That's what Hank Voight said too. I'll tell you what I told him—"

"And what was that? What did you tell him?"

"I'll do my very best."

"Not the answer I was looking for."

"Ha, that's what he said too."

Matt stepped back and looked at his son. "Do you understand that three people are dead because of the decision that you made? Do you get that?"

"I get three people that cared nothing about human life are no longer around to hurt the people that least deserve it."

"Your actions have a ripple effect. Do you understand that much?" Kyle just looked at Matt with confusion etched on his face. "It's like you throw a rock in a pond and there are ripples that fan out and disturb what is around them. You caused a ripple—a huge one. You didn't throw a rock you jumped in cannonball style. Next time you—you might not be so lucky or someone you do care about will suffer the consequences. These may not have been great citizens, but they were people and now they're dead. Do you get that?"

"I do get it Dad. And I'm sorry that they died. I didn't really wish that upon them, but they put themselves in a position that caused their demise and I'm okay with that. If Danny had died, I'd be inconsolable—devastated. I can't mourn for them. I just can't. I went through hell and I know that I started it. Being around all that hate, being shot and then rejected by Danny and it hurt so much and I didn't know if things were ever going to be okay again. But things got better, then the whole scene at 51 and I waited for it to happen again—the emotional turmoil—but it didn't. I didn't feel sad or upset. I questioned myself. I thought maybe I was ignoring my emotions or that may come back out of nowhere and knock me on my ass. Or maybe I was a horrible person because I wasn't reacting. But then I realized it's okay, I'm okay. I'm happy. Maybe I'm stronger now, stronger than them and the power they had over me. Maybe I can survive. Maybe it's okay that I'm okay. Maybe I finally realized that it's okay to survive. Maybe it's okay for me to be me.

"One thing I learned from you Dad and your storied career is that you can't stop being a soldier just because you got wounded in battle."

"You're eleven years old." Matt said.

"I know," Kyle replied.

"Can you please act like it?"

"Sure—until I'm twelve anyway."

"Fair enough." Matt sighed.

 **Two days later Matt caught up** with Hank Voight for a conversation.

"I can understand your concern," Voight said.

"My concern is that he's eleven going on thirty-five. I can't believe what has happened over the last year. It's like some kind of nightmare."

"I'm not downplaying what happened at all, but I've been with a lot of kids who have seen much more and much worse. The thing about Kyle is that even if he knew about all the fallout that would happen from his actions—I believe he would do it all over again. Because he cares about the right people."

"The people he deems worthwhile." Matt said.

"I get it Casey. You go in and save everyone because that's your job. It's my job too—to a degree anyway. But Kyle can pick and choose—and he did—sort of. He doesn't judge anyone due to their, religion, race, color, size, gender or sexual orientation, but he does have a problem with you if your an asshole."

"Just like you have a problem with them," Matt said.

"Sure just like me. Just like a lot of people. Just like you. You helped me get to the bottom of who killed Hallie, as well as the players in that sex trafficking case at the strip club. You did that because you hate assholes too. Not a bad trait to have."

Matt just looked off into the distance. "He'll be okay, Casey. That day at 51 I saw something in his eyes—it's something that can't be faked. You can't know what it is to imitate it. It's just a flicker, but it was there. It was there just like it is in my eyes and they eyes of everyone that I work with."

"What is it?"

"The understanding that sometimes when decisions are made and bad guys die, no compassion is necessary. That you save it for those who deserve it. There are good people who make mistakes and poor choices and then there people who have no redeeming factors—it can be hard sometimes to tell the difference. But your son already knows the difference."

"He's so young. I feel like he's still so fragile."

Voight laughed. "Yeah, he's fragile like a hand grenade. He'll be okay. You, Severide, Antonio, Halstead, me and others are all watching him. He's probably the safest kid in Chicago."

"Not to mention a few Hispanic gang bangers." Matt added.

"Them too. It pays to have friends everywhere."

"It's like a fairy tale. You tell the kid not to go into the dark woods, but he goes anyway." Matt said looking into the distance.

"Because that's where he hears the screams for help. Look—I know our relationship started out under horrible circumstances and I was responsible for that beginning—a beginning that Kyle will never let me forget nor will he ever forgive me for. And I can accept that. Very few can look at me, eye to eye, nose to nose and not take a step backwards, but your son doesn't even blink. He has a certain strength and his age doesn't seem to matter. But somehow I think it terrifies him as much as it does you."

Matt looked off into the distance. "When he was four I took him to the park, Seneca Park on North Lake Shore. He loved that place. It was one of those early spring days where you finally are allowed to believe that winter isn't going to last forever. The place was packed. Mothers, fathers, nannies all allowing the kids to run off the energy that had been storing up over the last several months.

"Anyway, I was keeping a pretty close eye on him since it was so crowded. Not long after we had gotten there he found a little girl to play with. The seemed to hit it off and went off doing four year old things, playing some imaginary game. They ran around, played on the equipment and at some point picked up another little boy. He looked a little bit older or maybe he was just bigger. They came around towards where I was standing and suddenly Kyle just shoved this kid down. There was no second thought, no hesitation, just boom and the kid was down.

"When I ran over and asked him what happened I noticed that the girl was crying. Kyle told me the other boy had been mean to her and he was protecting her. Despite being bigger, the other boy slunk off and never looked back." Matt said looking at Voight.

"He's always been this way. We can't stop him now. Matt, he is screaming for all to hear. He just wants everyone to listen."

"But what if they can't?"

"That's where we come in. It'll be our turn to protect him. I couldn't save my own son, but maybe I can save yours while he's saving the world."

"I feel like the older he gets the less I know him."

"I think every parent feels that way. They're a different person every day. I know you have your hands full. I know what it's like and sure as hell wish my son had been thinking the way that Kyle does. You're not alone. Together we'll keep an eye on this tiny vigilante."


	36. Busted

**Busted**

Kyle unlocked the apartment door and was relieved that his father wasn't home yet. He flung his backpack on the kitchen counter and opened it up and pulled out the small detention slip. He, along with several of his classmates thought that they might not be missed if they took it upon themselves to have lunch off campus. But since the school didn't allow for students to leave for anything other than an excused absence, the vice principal was not amused when he caught the group coming back in. Detention slips were handed out to each student and had to be signed by a parent and returned within forty-eight hours.

Kyle sighed as he looked at the blank space that would hold his father's signature as soon as he got the courage to tell him of his indiscretion. Matt had been in a difficult mood since he and Gabby had parted ways. He hadn't said much about it, but Kyle knew their last discussion hadn't been a good one and not long after that Gabby had headed to Puerto Rico. It seemed as if their relationship and marriage seemed to be dissolving before his eyes. Her departure had seemed to leave a void that nothing had been able to fill. And since she was gone, Matt was taking his frustrations out on everyone around him as he so often did. Both Kyle and every member of the firehouse had been in his firing line. Kyle knew his father's heart was broken or perhaps still in the process of breaking and his lashing out helped him deal with what he couldn't control. But it made life somewhat difficult for those in his path.

And now Kyle had to tell him about his detention. As he sat at the table and looked at the slip he got an idea. He hopped up and went the desk where Matt kept the bills and other important papers and began to rifle through them until he found something with Matt's signature on it. He brought it over to the counter and grabbed his notebook and began to try and copy the signature. After several attempts he realized that he was a lousy forger. He threw the pen down on the counter just as his father stepped through the door.

"You home?" Matt called out.

Kyle was attempting to shove everything, into his book bag when Matt came into the kitchen. "Hey Dad," he said trying to act normal.

"Why didn't you answer me?"

"Sorry."

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Just putting stuff back in my bag," Kyle smiled.

"What have you got there?" Matt asked as he stepped over and pulled out the papers that Kyle had been furiously trying to hide. "A detention slip and one of my contracting bids. Why do you have this?" He asked holding up the contract.

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Matt questioned.

Kyle sighed and decided to admit defeat. "I was going to try and sign your name on the slip."

"Oh, you were?"

"It's just that you've been so mad all the time since Gabby left and I was kind of afraid you might freak out."

"So you thought you would lie?"

"I guess."

"No guessing about it son. That's exactly what you were doing. You screwed up and instead of owning up to it you decided to make it worse by trying to cover it up. But guess what?"

"What?"

"The school sends a text when you get detention. I already knew."

"Oh."

Matt ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not happy about this," he said as he tossed the papers down on the counter. "Making a mistake is one thing, but trying to cover it up with another one is even worse. Own up to it, accept your punishment and move on. Doing this is worse than the original mistake."

"Okay." Kyle said. "Sorry."

"Well, you're grounded for a week and you can help me with a job on Saturday instead of going Tyler's house."

"It was just a detention," Kyle argued.

"It was just a detention, but then it became a lie. And that's why it is a week and a Saturday job."

Kyle just stood and looked at his father seeming to contemplate his next move. He knew something needed to break in order to change Matt's emotional course and if it had to be him, then so be it. "I want my door back," Kyle stated, changing gears, speaking of his bedroom door that Matt had removed earlier that year when he had sneaked out in the middle of the night.

"I'm sure you do. And you'll get it back when I decide that you can be trusted. But this little action here," Matt said nodding towards the detention slip, "show's that you can't."

"It's been forever and I want it back."

"I know that you do, but you heard what I just said."

But Kyle wasn't ready to yield, he couldn't, not just yet. He crossed his arms and glared at his father and repeated his request yet again. "I want it back now."

Matt looked up at his son, his eyes confused with flecks of disbelief floating about. "I don't like your tone or your attitude. Kyle, this isn't a conversation. I've given you my answer, I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's final."

"Of course it is. You never listen, you only bark orders!" Kyle yelled. "I'm sick of it. Everyone's sick of it!"

"Go to your room," Matt ordered pointing towards the bedrooms.

"NO! I want my door now! I want it back. Put it back!"

"I'm not telling you again. Drop it." Matt warned.

"NO!" Kyle continued to argue.

Matt couldn't believe Kyle was being so adamant and argumentative. He couldn't think of any other time when he had been so stubborn and defiant. Matt took a big breath and tried one last time. "Room. Now. I won't tolerate this disrespect."

But Kyle was all-in and refused to let his argument go. "NO! You are being such a—a," Kyle hesitated looking for the word he wanted. He tasted the word, rolled it around in his mouth before he let it loose. He knew he would be met with a fury he had never experienced, but the air was charged and he needed to clear it, for himself and for the guys at 51. So finally he let it go in all its glory. "You're being such an asshole," he spat.

The anger washed over Matt in a wave that finally crested and broke, leaving anger and frustration in its wake. And somewhere deep inside a switch flipped. It was if a seam had split open and all of his anger, fear, desperation and failings since Hallie's death came pouring out. He looked to his son whose face seemed to reflect the realization that they were about to tread in an unknown and uncomfortable territory.

Matt stared at Kyle and for a moment, they both seemed lost and unable to move. But as he adjusted his weight from one foot to the other in an effort to maintain some semblance of control, his hand brushed the remote control that he left absentmindedly on the edge of the counter the night before. His hand closed around it and he grabbed the boys arm and spun him around in one smooth and minimal effort before unleashing several bold and hard strokes, causing the air to crack with the noise of plastic being put to denim. But as suddenly as it started the battle ended. Matt dropped the remote and heard it clatter to the floor. He felt Kyle try and pull away from him but he held fast and pulled the boy towards him so that Kyle's back was against him and sat down on one of the chairs as Kyle began to struggle.

"Let me go!" Kyle choked out.

"No. I won't." Matt stated, trying to regain control of his emotions and remain strong. "I will not now, or ever, allow you to talk to me like that. Do you understand!?" Kyle shuddered as he tried to contain a sob. "Do you?"

"Was it my fault?" Kyle yelled out.

"For what? What just happened?"

"No," Kyle sniffed. "The reason Gabby left."

Matt loosened his grip on his son and drew in a big breath. "Listen to me. Your mother died, because she was a workaholic in the wrong place at the wrong time. Gabby left because she and I discovered that we had issues that we just couldn't find a way to compromise on and had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with you."

"Is she coming back?"

"I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. But what I do know is that you have been off the rails for the last year and that ends now. Do you understand me? I'm in charge, not you. You have to follow the rules, you don't get to make them up as you go along."

"What was your dad like? What happened when you got into trouble?" Kyle asked, changing the subject as he tried to even out his breathing and push his tears away.

"Why are you asking about my dad?" Matt asked, puzzled by the question.

"You never talk about him—ever."

Matt released a big breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "He had his issues and a lot of my memories aren't good ones. If he said jump it was in your best interest to do so."

"Oh," Kyle replied.

"Yeah. Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"I am too kiddo. But like I said, I will not allow you to speak to me like that. It is never to happen again. Am I clear?" He could feel Kyle's head nodding against his chest. "And if I hear language like that again I will employ the punishment that was used on me."

"By your dad?"

"No, my mother."

"What was it? Did she wash your mouth out with soap?"

"No. No nonfood products were ever used. She would put pepper on my tongue, usually red or cayenne. Sometimes it was hot sauce. Not fun, let me tell you that right now."

"I believe you. We're not supposed to eat Tide Pods, but kids used to be forced to eat soap."

"I think it was more like a taste than anything else. Now, I'm going to let you go and you are going to stand up and turn around and look at me. Understand?" Kyle once again nodded and Matt let him go.

Kyle did stand up and turned to face his father who still sitting on the chair . Matt softened his face as he looked at his son who was wiping away the remnants of tears. "Okay. Here's the plan. I'm going to sign your detention slip,while you go to your room and start your homework. Then in about an hour we'll start dinner. We will talk more then okay?"

"Okay," Kyle replied before he picked up his backpack and headed to his room. When he got there he shouted out, "I didn't even slam my door."

As he stood up Matt smiled as he shook his head back and forth. He wasn't sure how it had all happened, but it had and he hated that it had. He had lost control. Perhaps it needed to happen, maybe not. But Matt had to be sure that Kyle understood the consequences of his behavior, whether it be actions or verbal. He was afraid of losing his son to a world that seemed so eager to gobble him up, because his son had no fear of its teeth.

 **A few nights later** he nursed a drink as he sat on a bar stool at Molly's relaying the entire saga to Kelly.

"He knew what he was doing." Kelly said.

"You think?" Matt asked.

"Hell yes. Dude, you've been nearly impossible to deal with the last couple of weeks. We all know why and have cut you some slack, but I must say that since Kyle pulled you down that cleansing path, you've been back to your old tolerable self."

"I know I don't always deal with things well and tend to bottle them up and direct my frustration at the wrong people."

"Yes you do." Kelly agreed. "Listen, when Kyle was little, when Hallie was still alive, I could tell when he was having some kind of crisis. It was like he was seeking validation—it would be at times when she was especially busy and dismissive. It was like he needed something palpable. And since he couldn't get it from her, he would push and pull until he got it from me."

"Why not from me?"

Kelly shrugged. "I don't know. I think maybe because he didn't want to disappoint you or that your time together was too precious. But I think he just did it to you a couple of days ago. Gabby left, he's feeling vulnerable and he just wants to make sure that you're still there for him no matter what. Her absence is going to affect him. He's going to miss her and there's going to be an adjustment period. Do you feel a little bit empowered though?"

Matt smiled, despite his efforts not to. "A little bit. I feel like I'm back in control. Even though I was the disciplinarian, I think Gabby somehow softened me when it came to Kyle. Pulled me back when I was ready to explode. I went with it, because I thought maybe it was for the better or perhaps it was because I didn't even it realize it. But looking back over the past year, I think the kid needs me to be a little bit unhinged.

"I mean I never wanted to be like my father. What happened—well it's not me, not how I envisioned myself as a father, not the parent I wanted to be."

"Maybe not but you were the father you needed to be at that moment. Besides you reacted and didn't overthink and that's exactly what he needed. Look, you know damn well what would have happened to either one of us if we had ever called our fathers that. He got off easy. He also gave you a new starting place. Yes, I think that he probably does need you to be a bit unhinged. He found some holes in the discipline and jumped right through them. He is just trying to see where he stands now that Gabby isn't around."

"She was good for him. Their relationship was beginning to cement. I thought we had our family. Have I totally screwed up my kid? I mean my relationship with Hallie was off and on and only seemed to be real at different times. I can't even really explain it, much less understand it myself so who knows how Kyle views it. And now this happens with Gabby."

"What has happened? Are you two done? Have you talked?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Yes. I don't know. We've texted, not much talking. How is Kyle ever going to grow up and have a normal relationship with a woman after my examples?"

"You didn't quite have a normal model to go by. Your parents weren't the pinnacle of normalcy. Besides your relationships have been much more normal than mine. I'm a terrible example.

"Look," Kelly continued, "you love him, he loves you. The rest can be figured out."

"I'll drink to that," Matt said raising his glass.

"As will I," Kelly replied following Matt's action.

"Hopefully things will calm down and be kind of normal." Matt said setting his drink down.

"They will be. It'll be boring and mundane." Kelly answered patting Matt on the back.

If Kelly had only knew how wrong he was, he and Matt would have just kept drinking.


	37. Beats Omaha

**Beats Omaha**

The summer had started out well enough. Both Matt and Kyle felt Gabby's absence and they had talked about it to a degree, but as things often happen with the male of the species they left more unsaid. They felt around for normalcy as they continued life once again as a duo. Kyle was attending his study group Monday through Thursday from 8:00 to noon. And Gretchen, who was from out of state had decided that she had wanted to stay in the city for the summer break. She couldn't stay in the dorms and her plan of finding an apartment with a couple of roommates had fallen through. Matt had taken advantage of her predicament by offering her the spare bedroom in exchange for watching Kyle. She had also gotten a job at a restaurant a couple of blocks away and was taking an online course. So far Matt had stayed busy with shifts and contracting jobs, trying to push away the hole that had suddenly appeared in their lives with the absence of Gabby. But father and son had found a routine that helped them deal and fell into a zone of comfort and predictability for a few short weeks. But unfortunately it didn't take long though for Kyle to find something to distract them from the mediocrity of routine life.

 **Jay Halstead thought the youngster heading his way** looked familiar. He was standing on Wacker boulevard at the Riverwalk. He was watching tourists and locals alike drink in the summer sunshine as they strolled by. But one face looked pretty familiar. He looked around and hoped that it was early enough that there wouldn't be any kind of conflict or that perhaps Kyle wouldn't even see him. But that hope was quickly dashed.

"Hey Jay," Kyle said as he walked up next to him.

"Hey there. What are you up to?"

"Trying to fix my life from the disaster that I stepped into earlier this year."

"How's that going for you?"

"Slow. You off today or is it casual Wednesday?" Kyle asked of Jay's worn out and dirty looking attire.

"I could say the same about you," the detective said looking at Kyle's worn out and muddy shorts and shirt.

"Gretchen and I just participated in puppies in the park. The shelter brings them to the park and you get to be in charge of a dog and play with them. We had to go through this orientation and class but I qualified to get a dog or puppy under thirty pounds. I wanted to play with the pit bull but he was too big. But I think he really liked me. He had this big head and his tongue was just hanging out." Kyle laughed.

"Gretchen?" Jay asked.

"My babysitter. She keeps an eye on me when my dad's on shift. She got called into work so I'm heading to the firehouse now."

"What kind of dog did you end up with?"

"A Lab mix. Lot's of energy."

"You look worn out," Jay said as he looked behind him and when he looked back at Kyle his eyes were alive with more emotions than Kyle couldn't register. "I need you to just go with whatever I say." He hissed, his eyes pleading. But before he could say anything further a man was upon them.

"Tate." The man said. He was wearing a pale orange shirt and gray pants and was clearly a man of few words.

"You're early," Jay replied.

"I'm early to see if you're serious enough to be early. Can't trust a junkie to be on time."

"Well, here I am."

"Didn't know it was take your kid to work day," the man said. "What's your name?" He asked Kyle as he looked at the boy closely as if he was sizing him up.

Jay's heart was pounding so hard he thought it would be noticed by his target. He had always managed to remain calm when he was undercover, a necessary attribute, but he had never had to deal with having a child as part of the team. The kid was, well a kid. And he had absolutely no idea what he had walked into.

"Noah," Kyle replied with an edge to his voice, his face had changed from a happy-go-lucky puppy playing kid to one that was on guard. "What's your name?"

"He's got spunk," the man responded smiling.

"Yeah, whatever. You call it spunk I call it pain in the ass attitude." Jay said, keeping in character.

"Didn't even know you had a kid. I do see a resemblance though."

Kyle made an effort not to shake his head. He often heard how much he looked like Matt, which made sense. He had also heard quite a few people mention that he looked like Kelly, though most if not all were under the impression that they were father and son. And now it had happened again. It must be the blue eyes or the power of suggestion.

"His mother had him till she OD'd. As soon as she gets her shit together he's going back."

"Like you're a freaking treasure," Kyle snapped back.

"Don't wrap it up one time," Jay said shaking his head. He thrust his jaw forward and looked at Kyle who was now Noah. "Go over there and wait for me. And don't wander off! Looked for him for over an hour last night. Should've just left his ass outside."

Kyle shot back his best 'fuck you' look and trudged over to where Jay had pointed and tried to look disgusted. He watched the two in a deep discussion as he realized that Jay was undercover and for a few minutes he had been as well. He crossed his arms and kept his face even and angry despite the fact that he was all smiles on the inside. He had been a part of a police operation without even planning it. His dad couldn't even be mad at him for this side action.

The small meeting finally broke up several minutes later and Jay made his way over to where Kyle was standing. He grabbed Kyle's arm at the elbow and whispered that they need to stay in character for a bit longer. Kyle gave the slightest of all nods that he understood.

Jay gave him a slight shove. "Get movin'. We ain't sticking around here all day."

"Yeah, like you got better things to do," Kyle shot back.

"How old are you kid?" The man in the orange shirt asked who had stuck around.

"Twelve," Kyle replied.

"Kinda puny."

"Well, my parents aren't all that good at keeping food in the house. Either one of them."

"Twelve huh? Might be able to work with that."

"There are child labor laws ya know." Kyle said.

"Not in my business there aren't. Tate, I'll be in touch. And keep that kid handy." As he walked away he pulled out his phone and began to talk, oblivious of the other people he was supposed to be sharing the sidewalk with.

"Let's go," Jay said tugging Kyle the opposite way. Talk quietly and keep up your Noah persona."

"Okay," Kyle agreed.

They walked with attitude and straight, angry faces for several blocks before Jay pulled him into a bodega. "Phew. You were amazing. I didn't think you'd catch on."

"I have some acting experience. Though it's generally musicals. Hey, at least I didn't break out in song."

"That's for sure. How'd you come with the name Noah so quickly?"

"That was the puppy's name that I was playing with. Good thing it was boy and his name wasn't Rover. So what the hell was that all about?"

"Obviously I'm undercover. I don't know how well they're watching me so I wanted to play along until I was certain we were in the clear."

"That explains the alley and doubling back. You play a good asshole father too," Kyle said with a grin.

"This wasn't supposed to happen. He was fifteen minutes early. I was just about to tell you to get lost when he showed up."

"So you're a junkie huh?"

"Yeah. I owe for drugs and am hoping to get into running some product for them as pay back. We need to lead it to the head honcho. Why am I telling you all this?" He questioned himself.

Kyle shrugged. "Do you think they're watching us?"

"No, I think we're okay. But we'll catch the L. Keep watch for anyone that seems to be sticking with us."

"Where are we going?"

"Fifty-one. Somehow I have to explain this to your father and Voight."

 **After taking the train and watching for anything out of the ordinary** besides what had already taken place the two arrived at the firehouse to find Voight waiting for them, leaning against his car curbside.

"Do you two want to explain to me how the hell this happened?"

"How'd you even know?" Kyle asked.

"I texted him," Halstead admitted. "I had to keep him in the loop."

"I don't think I'll ever be rid of you Kyle Casey."

"Funny. I was thinking the same thing about you," Kyle replied.

Kyle took the lead and headed up the driveway and saw Cruz and Kelly hauling the ladder out.

"Uh oh, this doesn't look good," Cruz said as he saw the trio walking their way. "Does this mean Casey's going to be in a bad mood again?"

Kelly looked over at the small group. "Probably. What's going on?"

"All I can say is that I didn't mean for it to happen," Kyle said.

"Yep, bad mood for sure," Cruz said.

"Where's my dad?"

"Somewhere in there. Probably in his quarters doing paperwork." Kelly answered.

"Will you come with me?" Kyle asked.

Kelly smiled at the boy. "Of course I will."

They found Matt in the common area talking to Herrmann. His eyes got huge when he saw Kyle with the officers. He could only imagine what his progeny had been up to. "Voight, Halstead. What's going on?"

"Can we speak somewhere in private?" Voight asked.

"Sure," Matt said looking around to see Chief appear as if he had some kind of 'Kyle in trouble' radar.

"Why don't you all come into my office," he offered.

"Sure," Matt replied.

They all trooped into the office, Chief and Kelly included. "Is it okay if I stay?" Chief asked.

"It's fine," Matt said and then looked at Voight who nodded in agreement.

"I want Kelly here," Kyle said as he went over and stood next to his godfather.

"What is going on?" Matt asked.

"It was a total accident. I didn't know." Kyle began.

"You didn't know what?" Matt asked, his voice dripping with concern.

"That Jay was undercover. He was undercover and then I was too!" Kyle said excitedly.

"What?" Matt questioned, clearly horrified.

Jay went on to explain exactly what happened as Kyle clung to Kelly. "We can undo it," Voight assured.

"Damn right you will." Matt stated.

"Of course we will. The CPD doesn't use kids for undercover work." The sergeant said.

"But I'm your kid. Your contact seemed curious about me. Maybe I can help." Kyle said looking at Halstead.

"NO!" All five men said at once.

"Sheesh. Don't hold back," Kyle complained.

"I'll tell them you went back to your mother or your grandmother's in Omaha," Halstead stated.

"You are a lousy father," Kyle commented.

"Yeah, well what do expect considering my drug habit and all."

The detectives left and Matt looked at his offspring. "You are unbelievable!"

"What? I didn't plan it. I didn't know. I was just being friendly, like you raised me to be."

"I was going to take you home later, after Gretchen's shift at the restaurant, but now I think you'll be staying with me."

"Beats Omaha," Kyle said as he shrugged and headed for the couch.


	38. Always and Forever

**Always and Forever**

A week after Kyle's brush with undercover work Matt had been summoned from a contracting job to pick his son up from a small store a few blocks from their apartment. The owner had said he had detained Kyle for shoplifting. When Matt got there Kyle was sitting in a small back office with the owner.

"Matt Casey," Matt said offering his hand to the owner.

"Nick Ahmed I've seen your boy in here before and never had any trouble from him, until today that is. He walked out and had this in his pocket." He said picking up a milk chocolate bar and showing it to Matt.

"I offered to pay for it. I had forgotten it was there," Kyle argued.

"You took this?" Matt asked holding up the candy.

Kyle shrugged.

"Like I said, I've never had a problem with him and he did offer to pay so I called you instead of the police. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I do know that he had this," he said holding up the bar, "and was outside of the store and he hadn't paid for it. I thought maybe it's best if we nipped this in the bud."

"I appreciate that. We're going to have a long talk and then some," Matt assured.

Mr. Ahmed nodded and let father and son leave.

They both climbed into the truck and headed back towards the apartment. Kyle stayed quiet and Matt allowed him to do so. It didn't take long before they were home and were nearly run over by Gretchen as she headed out to her waitress job. "Great. No witnesses," Kyle grumbled.

"Have a seat," Matt said pointing to the couch.

Kyle sighed and plopped down on the center cushion. Matt sat on the coffee table across from him. "So do you want to tell me why you stole a candy bar that you would never eat?"

"Huh?"

"It was milk chocolate. You don't eat dairy."

"Guess I didn't notice." 

"Yeah right. You've been reading labels since you were six, there's no way you didn't notice."

"I wasn't going to eat it."

"You wouldn't have taken it regardless. You get upset when someone puts a glass of milk near you at the firehouse. Now tell me what happened."

"I was with a friend and they had it and when he realized we were outside of the store he shoved it in my pocket."

"Who's this friend?" Kyle shrugged. "You don't know their name?" Matt asked.

"He's a new friend."

"Not much of a friend if he let you take the heat." 

"He panicked."

"I see. I have another question for you. Does this new friend have any idea why I'm missing a beer?"

"Maybe Gretchen drank it," Kyle offered.

"No. She didn't drink it. I already asked her."

"I think I dropped it and it broke."

"Is that the story you're going to go with? First you supposedly steal a candy bar you wouldn't eat or want anything to do with. Then you think Gretchen drank the beer or perhaps you dropped it. How about you stop lying?"

"I'm not lying," Kyle argued, but he couldn't meet Matt's eye. He never was a very good liar.

"Now your lying about lying. What is going on?"

"Nothing," Kyle whined.

"Something. Now spill it."

"I'm not a snitch."

"And you're not a liar or a thief, but you seem to be making an attempt to master those skills. Look at me," Matt directed. "I want the truth. Tell me who this friend is."

Kyle was still hesitant as he looked up at his father. "Can't I just say it was me and be punished?" 

"Who are you protecting? Look, it's admirable that you don't want your friend to get into trouble, but perhaps that's what needs to happen. They certainly don't seem to care that you are in trouble." But Kyle remained silent. "Okay then. You can go stand in the corner until you're ready to tell me."

Kyle's head snapped up. "Stand in the corner? I'm twelve Dad not four." 

"You just turned twelve."

"So, I'm still twelve, not a little kid."

"Then stop acting like one. Either way, it's your choice." Matt said standing up and moving so Kyle could get up. "Go on," Matt said pointing towards a open corner. "You've had some freedom this summer, are you ready to lose that?"

Kyle seemed to think about what he had just been told before he replied. "It was Danny," he said in a whisper.

"Danny? Danny Levine?"

"I think he trying to rebel a little bit. Break some rules. He's not very good at it." Kyle sighed as Matt tried to hide the smile that crept up on his lips. "I think it's because he's almost thirteen and he really hasn't broken many rules. I mean, he's like the perfect kid."

"He is a good kid. But he can't be doing things like stealing and drinking."

"He only had a couple of sips. I poured most of it out in the sink."

"You didn't try any?" Matt asked.

"No sir."

"You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"Because you've tried it before right?"

"Why do I feel like there's no right answer here."

"The truth is the right answer."

"Okay, I've had a sip here and there from a bottle that had a little left in it. I don't like it. It's gross."

"Keep thinking that way. Text Danny and ask him to come down here."

Kyle looked very uncomfortable. "Dad, what are you going to do?"

"Talk to him. Just do it." Matt said, pointing to Kyle's phone.

Kyle typed out a text as Matt watched. The message was short and simple, a basic invitation that Danny quickly accepted.

"Now go to your room."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm going to talk to him and I want to do it alone. It'll be fine."

"He's sensitive, you know that right?"

"He'll be fine. I promise. Go to your room." Kyle walked a step and turned back around. "Don't make me tell you again." Kyle hung his head and walked to his room. "Shut the door," Matt yelled.

When Gretchen moved in Matt had put Kyle's door back on, but now the boy was mumbling under his breath about wishing it was off so that he could overhear more easily.

A few minutes later Danny knocked and was invited in. "Hey Matt is Kyle around?"

"Actually Danny, I wanted to talk to you. I was hoping that you could help me out."

"Sure. What's going on?"

"Kyle got into some trouble today. I had to pick him up from a store where he was accused of shoplifting and he won't tell me who the friend is that was with him. I was hoping you knew who he was hanging out with." Danny suddenly became quiet and looked everywhere but at Matt. "I thought maybe you could tell me. He's in quite a bit of trouble already, but if I knew who this kid was then maybe I could keep them away from Kyle."

Following nearly a minute of silence Danny sighed. "It was me," Danny said quietly.

"You?"

"Yeah. I messed up. I had the candy bar and we were outside and the owner yelled at us and I just shoved it in Kyle's pocket. Then I ran while he took the blame for what I did."

"I see. And the beer?"

Danny hung his head. "I saw it in the fridge and just grabbed it and opened it. My parents never have beer and I just wanted to try it. Kyle wasn't even in the room. I only took a few sips and thought it was disgusting so Kyle dumped the rest in the sink and then put the bottle in the bottom of the trash can. Don't be mad at him Mr. Casey. It was my fault—all of it."

"Mr. Casey? How formal. What is with all of this rebellion?"

"I'm taking more Hebrew lessons, getting ready for my Bar-mitzvah and I hear some of the other kids talk about stuff they've done and I haven't had any adventures or done anything. And I'll be thirteen soon,"

"How about witnessing your friend getting shot and leading the way for the first responders? How about giving statements to the police? That's something. That's a lot."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I always look to Kyle to protect me, stand up for me and I shouldn't do that to him. I mean, he's done so much and never says anything about it."

"People shouldn't brag."

"What about with girls? These guys at my lessons talk, but I'm sure they're lying."

"A real man never talks about a girl or a woman in an unflattering way. Always remember that."

"Yes sir. I'm sorry for leaving Kyle to clean up my mess. It was all my fault. Please don't tell my parents."

"Oh, I'm not going to tell them."

"Thank you so much. I won't do anything like that again, I swear."

"I said I'm not telling your parents. Because you're telling your parents. You can't keep this from them. They need to know. Have you ever heard the phrase 'don't do the crime if you can't to the time'?"

"I don't know."

"It basically means if you can't handle the consequences then don't break the rules."

"I broke the rules." Danny admitted.

"Yes you did. You're a great kid Danny, it'll be okay."

"My parents will be so mad."

"I imagine that they won't be pleased, but it will pass and you'll have learned from it. If you want, you can invite them down here. Kyle, or me, or both of us can be with you when you tell them."

"Okay. Thanks Matt."

Matt smiled as Danny reverted back to a first name basis. An hour later, Kyle and Matt stood in the background for moral support as Danny explained his indiscretions to his parents. Matt was right, they hadn't been happy and were unpleasantly surprised by their son's actions. They had thanked Matt and apologized to Kyle before they headed home to discuss what an appropriate punishment might be. Danny had asked for Kyle's forgiveness and advice on how to handle whatever punishment might come his way.

"You're the good influence. You just do what they tell you and then go back to being you. I like that Danny better. Somebody has to help keep me on the straight and narrow."

"Please don't hate me. I screwed up."

"I don't hate you. It's okay. You were discovering yourself—and you discovered that you aren't meant for a life of crime. Not a bad thing. Like I said, I count on you to keep focused on helping me staying in the 'normal lane' of life."

"Always brother. Always."

 **Later that evening as Kyle and Matt** munched on popcorn while they watched a movie Matt looked over at his only child and had to get his emotions under control. He had felt an incredible amount of pride today.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kyle asked.

"How? You haven't even looked in my direction to know how I'm looking at you."

"I can see. Are you missing Gabby? She texted me today."

"She did?"

"She said the island was still a mess and there was so much to do. She asked how I was, how you were."

"What did you say?"

"I told her to stay safe and that we were fine. Was that okay?"

"Yeah. That was fine." Matt said unsure of how he felt that she had reached out to Kyle but not him.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?" 

"What did your dad do when you said a bad word?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"That day, well that day when I got in big trouble for being so disrespectful and you told me how your mom disciplined you when you said a bad word, but how did your dad do it? You never talk about him. I don't even know what it was like for you as a kid."

"It wasn't necessarily bad words with him. It was generally back talk."

"So what did he do?"

Matt shifted his weight on the couch and put the bowl of popcorn on the table and traded it for his beer that he took a big swig from. "He usually slapped me."

"Really? Wow. I'm sorry."

"He wasn't an easy man. It was generally his way or the highway. He didn't like a lot of emotion. Usually my sister and I just stayed quiet whether we agreed with him or not."

"Is that why you bottle everything up?"

Matt was taken somewhat aback by his son's comment. "Maybe so. Because when we got home if we confided anything to our mom she would use as ammo against Dad."

"And then she killed him."

"Yeah. My key. I left my damn key out and she used it to get in."

"It wasn't your fault Dad." Kyle soothed, already knowing story about Matt accidentally leaving his key to his father's house on the counter. "You didn't make them the dysfunctional mess that they were. If she wanted to kill him that badly she would have found a way to do it. It's not on you. You do know that right?"

Matt was suddenly choked up by his sons maturity and words, but managed to nod.

"You're a great father, especially knowing all the crap you went through. I mean you have never hit me—well not like slapped or anything that was bad. You never hit mom or Gabby. You don't even yell that much. You broke the cycle Dad. And I get why you don't talk about stuff, but you can now. It's okay. Kelly will listen to you, Chief will listen. I'll listen."

"I appreciate your offer, but you shouldn't have to listen to my problems."

"Look Dad, it's just the two of us and we have to stick together. I'm your safe place just like you're mine. Right?"

"Yes, you're right kiddo. Thank you."

"Good talk Dad."

Matt paused and looked over at his son. "You know that you can come to me with anything. Right? That even if you've screwed up I will be on your side. Not that there won't be consequences but I'll be there for you."

"I know. I'll come to you. I promise." Kyle said reaching for the popcorn.

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"A lot?" Kyle guessed.

"Even more than that. Always and forever. Matt said as he pulled his son into an embrace.

That night as Kyle slept Matt stood watching his even breathing and felt so grateful for the gift that was his son.


	39. Oh The Places You'll Go

**Oh The Places You'll Go**

Two weeks went quietly by with routine etched in every step of the day. Kyle went to his study group most mornings and he and Gretchen spent quiet afternoons exploring the city or just relaxing. Evenings were spent with father and son reconnecting and remembering what it was like when it had been just the two of them before Gabby had come into the picture. It was clear to Kyle that Matt was struggling with the relationship being over or at least with her extended absence. Of course Matt always put on a happy face unable or unwilling to show his son anything else.

But one day was different. It started out the same, but the ending was nothing that they could have ever imagined. Kyle had decided to walk home from his study group at school. He was supposed to meet with Angel for a reading session, but Angel had canceled at the last minute. So Kyle began to head home but before he got far his phone buzzed. Thinking it might be Angel changing his mind Kyle quickly pulled the phone from his pocket and checked. The text was from a friend named Charlie. He asked if Kyle could meet him at Oz Park as he had a really cool remote control truck he wanted to show off.

Kyle quickly replied he was on his way and began to head that direction. But about a block before the park as he was waiting to cross the street a man that was sitting in a car idling near the light, stepped out and scooped up Kyle before the boy had any idea what had happened.

"Hey there kiddo. Remember me?" The man asked.

Kyle took a good look at his seatmate and though it took a minute it finally clicked that this was the man that approached Halstead at the river. But instead of pale orange he was wearing a subdued pink shirt. The man clearly loved his pastels.

"Yeah. Never caught your name though."

"Leo. Been looking for you. You haven't been to your dad's place. And you got nice clothes on."

Kyle looked at his shorts and t-shirt. They weren't anything special but they were clean. "I've been with my grandmother. She bought me the clothes."

"Where she live?"

"Omaha," Kyle replied hoping that Jay had stayed consistent in his story and used the city that he had mentioned when this whole thing had began.

"Yeah. I think I remember your Pops saying something about that."

"My Pops?" Kyle asked.

"Always loved that movie," Leo said as they passed the park.

"What? The Untouchables?" Kyle asked as he spotted Leo's side holster that contained a gun.

"Huh? No. The Wizard of Oz." He said as he looked over at the park that held statutes of the movie characters.

"I bet your favorite character was the flying monkey's."

"How'd you know?" Leo asked.

"Lucky guess. Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?"

"We hacked your phone. I texted you to meet me acting like I was your buddy. Pretty smart eh?"

"Yeah. Brilliant." Kyle answered dryly.

"We've been looking for you to do an errand for us."

"Like what? Pick up a food order? Prescription? Grocery shop for you?"

"You're a funny kid, you know that? No, your dad owes us a lot of money. He's got quite a habit. He also likes to act like a big man and throws parties he can't afford."

"So?" 

"So our plan was to have him run our errand, but then you came along and we like you much better."

"Aww shucks, and you don't even know me."

"We know you are a kid. You are unassuming and will fly under the radar."

"I take it I won't be delivering Chinese food then."

"All you gotta do is take one backpack and exchange it for another."

"When did you hack my phone?"

"At the Riverwalk. When we was talking. Not much of challenge with that ancient, simpleminded thing. Hard to believe it even has access to the internet."

Kyle pulled out the flip phone and looked at it as if it betrayed him. And it had. Matt had allowed him his Smartphone part of the day, but since he was still under the broad umbrella of punishment from earlier that year he was often stuck with the old fashioned means of communication. But apparently it played right into his persona of the son of a drug addled father.

"Just do what we ask and your dad will stay safe and so will you." Leo stated.

"Gee how can I pass up a deal like that." Kyle answered with a tight smile.

They eventually made their way to a garage, the type with mechanics, cars up on hydraulics, random tires leaning against big tool boxes and grease stained jump suit wearing men with greasy finger nails. One such man seemed to recognize Leo and quickly found a dirty rag to wipe his equally dirty hands on. He waved them both to a back locker room, while the driver of the car remained behind the wheel as it idled in the short driveway.

"This your mule?" The mechanic asked.

"Mule? Well my dad says I'm as stubborn as one," Kyle said thinking of Matt not his fictional father.

"It's already packed up. He just needs to take it to this address," he said pulling out a small piece of paper and handing it to Leo.

They went back outside and got into the car. Leo slung the backpack into Kyle's lap. "You know where this is?" He asked showing Kyle the paper with the address.

"Not exactly." Kyle replied.

Leo tapped away at his phone while the driver pulled out into the street and followed the not so gentle flow of traffic. Another phone in Leo's pocket went off a minute later with L route and directions from the station.

"Here, take this phone and follow these directions. Respond to this number if you get lost. Don't screw this up. Don't go to the cops. We'll be watching you. You mess this up, your dad dies."

"No cops, no screwing up. Got it. But if you're going to watch me why don't you just deliver it yourself?"

"Because we'd be caught holding the bag. Why do you think?"

"Oh. I guess that makes sense." Kyle agreed.

"Don't attempt to open it. We'll know."

"Because of the zip ties you put on here. I get it. No tampering."

"When you get to this address you will ask for Aaron. He will take the bag and give you another one that is identical and another address. Go to that address and drop off the bag with a guy named Jesse."

"And then?"

"And then you're done."

"Sounds good to me."

"Here's a metro pass. Keep your head down and just do what I told you."

"Got it," Kyle assured as they pulled up next to the L station. He hopped out of the car and towards the stairs as his phone buzzed. He opened it up to see a text from Leo going over his previous directions about not screwing it up and following the directions he had been given. Kyle turned back and gave his best disgusted look before he headed up the stairs.

"You know who he reminds me of?" The driver asked.

"Yeah, yeah I know. The boss," Leo replied.

"It's almost like they were cut from the same cloth. Confident, snarky, rebellious, pain in the ass but gets shit done." The driver said.

"Yep. He asked for this kid specifically and wants us to keep a very close eye on him."

"Which is why we've been following this kid since last spring per his orders. And then he steps right into our plan...how lucky is that. Like it was tailor made. Came right to us.

"I knew that guy was undercover," the driver boasted.

"Sure you did." Leo said shaking his head. "But them two knowing each other put the boy right where we needed him."

"But is having the boss interested him good or bad for the kid?"

"Don't know for sure. Probably not good. You know how it is with him, you don't get something for nothing. But look where the boss is now. Running his empire all over Chicago."

"What if them guys killed him back at the fire house that time? I mean, I was gettn' nervous."

"They knew they weren't supposed to touch him, just kill that Brock fella. If they had messed with the kid, they would have died long before they did."

Kyle waited five minutes for the train and climbed aboard. Since they had messed with his phone he didn't dare text Gretchen to say he was going to be late. His dad was remodeling someones kitchen and Kyle had no idea when he was going to be home. At least he had texted earlier and said he was going to be meeting a friend at the park so she shouldn't worry for a couple of hours at least. But when Matt did find out how Kyle had spent the day there would probably be yelling and a lot of it.

 **Kyle followed the directions** to the first address and found himself in comic book store. He asked for Aaron as a sketchy looking dude came from the back as if he already knew Kyle had arrived. Apparently they had been watching him. He hadn't taken any chances. He didn't duck into alleys or take an alternate route. It was clear they knew where Jay was holing up and he couldn't risk putting him in any danger because he decided to hotdog it.

So he got a new bag that looked exactly like the old bag except it weighed more, but had the same zip ties keeping the contents safe. It seemed a bit rudimentary, but they would know if they were broken or missing. And the would get quite suspicious if Kyle had headed into a hardware store. Not knowing where they were watching from or how exactly they were watching him, he just kept his head down and started his next leg of the journey.

At the end of it he looked up at what looked like a warehouse, albeit not a big one. He tried the door, but found it locked. He double checked his directions from Aaron and everything seemed to match up. Suddenly he heard a click and the door unlatched. He looked up and saw a camera overhead, pointing right at him. Clearly this was in fact the last leg of his trip. He searched his memory for the name of the man he was supposed to ask for. He pushed the door open and went into a large room that had tables, some chairs and then what looked like a lounge area in the corner. It held couches and a large screen TV. There were stairs off to the side and what looked like offices upstairs. There were lights but they seemed dimmed down to lend very little light.

"I'm here to see Jesse," Kyle said.

A man was standing near one of the couches screamed out for Jesse and then sat back down.

Another man, presumably Jesse made his way down the stairs as he zeroed in on Kyle. "You bring me something?" He asked.

"This," Kyle said as he pulled off the straps of the backpack and thrust it out in front of him.

Jesse grabbed it and gave it a quick once over.

"It's all intact. Zip ties still there. I'm done. See ya later," Kyle said.

"Not so fast kid." Jesse said as he handed off the bag to the screamer who had wandered over. Screamer clipped the ties and rooted around for a moment and grunted that everything was all good. "Okay then. You're good."

"Great. Bye," Kyle said turning to leave.

"Hang on. Let me get a look at you."

"Why?"

"Cause I want to know your face. It's a nice face," Jesse said caressing Kyle's cheek.

"I'm done. I did my part and now I'm leaving." Kyle said backing up as fast as he could without tripping.

"Yeah. Okay," Jesse called out with a tone that Kyle found anything but comforting.

He shoved open the door and blinked back the brightness of the outside. He knew where he was on a map, but that didn't translate to knowing how to get home. He was so far out of his comfort zone that he wasn't even sure where to start. But he kept walking knowing it was in his best interest to get the hell away from the maniac named Jesse and whatever went on in that warehouse.

He had only gone a block when a familiar car pulled up and Leo waved him inside. Kyle sighed and without a better plan he jumped in.

"Nice job kid. You'll go places."

"The only place I want to go is home," Kyle said meaning back to his neighborhood and his biological father who was most likely going to kill him.

"Sure. Your dad hasn't moved all day. Sleeping off another fun night I imagine."

Kyle forced a smile but clearly they were talking about two different apartments and two different men.

"You did good." Leo complimented.

"I did what you wanted and I'm done. Just take me home." Kyle said handing Leo the phone he had given him earlier.

Leo nodded and they rode what ended up being a fairly short distance in silence. They pulled up to a building that looked as if it had been in decline since Al Capone roamed the streets of Chicago.

"Here you go," Leo said.

Kyle hoped they weren't testing him. He had no idea if this was where Jay was staying or not. And they said he was home but if Jay knew they were watching him and had found a way around it he may not even be in there. But, there wasn't much choice.

"Bye. Don't call me again," Kyle said as he slipped out of the car.

"We'll be in touch Noah."

And then the car pulled away with a screech of the tires and exhaust of regret. Well, the regret may have belonged to Kyle.

 **Jay heard a hesitant knocking on the door**. He pulled up the feed from the camera that had been hidden over the door frame and nearly fell over. He jumped up and yanked the door open. "What are you doing here? How did you even find me?"

"I just did my very first drug deal. Leo and driver brought me home," Kyle said walking past Jay and sitting down on the worn couch before his legs gave out on him. "I knocked on like ten doors before I found yours."

"What happened?" Jay asked.

Kyle gave him the story ending with the need to call his father. "What time is it?"

"After five."

"He's going to kill me."

"I don't think you had much choice. Here use this phone. It's a burner, they can't trace it." Jay said handing it off to Kyle.

"I told them I was done," Kyle said as he dialed Matt's number.

"What'd they say?"

"That they'd be in touch."

"Great," Jay sighed.

Matt picked up, his voice hesitant as he hadn't recognized the number. It only took a second before Kyle launched into the details of his day.

"You're with Jay now?" Matt asked.

"Yes sir. I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice in any of it. I swear Dad."

"I understand. I'll call Voight. Just stay with Jay until we can figure this all out."

"Okay," Kyle sighed as he hung up.

"Is he mad?" Jay asked taking the phone.

"He's not thrilled. But I think he understands that I couldn't do much about the circumstances."

"I'll call Voight. He won't be too happy either."

"How does my life get so screwed up?" Kyle asked."

"Because you're out there living it. Some people just end up in places where they're needed the most, even if they hadn't planned on it. Straight to voice mail," Jay said hanging up.

"My dad said he was going to call him. They're probably talking now."

But before Jay could call back the phone rang and Hank Voight was on the other end of it. "You wanna tell me what the hell happened?"

Jay launched into what Kyle had told him and then handed Kyle the phone so he could answer specific questions. "I told them I was done, but I don't think they listened to me."

"You did, did you? Did you meet a man named Michael or Camden?"

"No. Just this Jesse guy and another man who just seemed to be support staff. Is Michael who you need? Is he the boss?"

"Something like that. Look, you'll need to stay with Halstead for right now. Obviously they're watching you. Don't use your phone, just the burner that you're on now. We'll figure a way out of this. But it might take some time. Just don't do anything stupid and please listen to Detective Halstead."

"I will. Just hurry." Kyle hung up and looked at Jay. "I hope you have cable."

"I have hotdogs," the detective offered.

"Great," Kyle sighed. "This is going to be a long few days."


	40. Unraveling

**Unraveling**

But it wasn't a few days, it was more like a few weeks and by the end of it Kyle was not only frustrated, he was angry. He was angry that he was losing his summer to a man he had never met. A man who funneled drugs throughout the metropolitan area. A man that needed to be stopped, but seemed untouchable. A man that may have been in that very building that he had visited with a backpack full of drugs. A man that needed to be brought down so Kyle could get his life back. A man who had done enough damage to so many people, Kyle included.

One morning Jay had gone out to get bagels. It had been quiet. Jay had been employed to do some minor dealing at a few parties, but did nothing to get him closer to the head man. Even the CPD didn't have to time continually dick around which was probably why this slow progression was happening. Whether something was suspected or it was just the way it was going Kyle had no idea and he didn't really care. He just wanted to go home, he needed to go home. He was able to talk and text Matt any time he wanted but wasn't allowed to see him or go home. And it was getting old—very old and he was sick of it. Things had happened, things he had wanted to forget. He was unraveling.

Just a few days before he had been pulled into this nightmare Matt had made good on his promise and had taken Kyle back to Starved Rock to celebrate his twelfth birthday; just the two of them. There were more people than the previous outing as well as a host of different flying insects, but Kyle didn't care he had loved spending time with his father and found that he missed him now more than he ever thought he would.

It had been over an hour after Jay had left and Kyle was beginning to become concerned. He gave the detective a few more minutes and was about to call Voight when a text came through from his 'friend' that wasn't his actual real-life buddy, but Leo the pistol toting strong arm. The message simply asked for him to be out front in ten minutes and that it was in his best interest to do so. Kyle grabbed the burner phone and quickly called the Sergeant hoping that he would answer.

"Slow down kid. How long has Halstead been gone?" Voight replied trying to decipher Kyle's rush of concern.

"Over an hour. The bagel shop is across the street. He would have let me know if he was going to run other errands. Then I get this message and have five minutes to get outside. What should I do?"

"Okay. First of all take a deep breath. Did you do that?" 

"Yes," Kyle said exhaling.

"Okay. Remember that bag of clothes that we dropped off just after you got there?" Kyle stated that he had. "Put on the sneakers." Voight ordered.

"But I don't like those. I have my own sneakers."

"But yours don't have GPS tracking in them like these do."

"Oh. Okay." Kyle said as he shoved his feet into the footwear and cradled the phone to his ear as he tied the laces.

"Alright. In the bottom of the bag is a small box. Find it and open it up."

Kyle quickly pawed through the bag and found the small box and opened it up revealing an earring. It was a stud, but larger than anything Kyle had ever worn. "I'm not sure if my dad will let me wear this or not. It might be too big."

"Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate your consideration of its size, but it is equipped with a listening device and we need you to wear it."

"Whoa. Cool. I guess it's a good thing that I got my ear pierced."

"I'll say," Voight agreed.

Kyle pulled out the small silver stud that he was currently wearing and shoved it in his pocket. He pulled the back off from his new favorite high tech gadget and slid it into place and put the back on and pushed it tightly to his earlobe. "Okay. It's in. Now what do I do?"

"Hide this phone and go stand out front and wait. We have your back."

"God I hope so. And Voight?"

"Yeah?"

"Find Jay. I like him. He's cool and he's my friend."

"Will do kiddo. Will do."

Kyle bounded downstairs hoping that somehow what happened today would be the end of his undercover summer camp. Who knows when he would get the next opportunity to get the job done. He needed this to end. It needed to be done. He needed to leave his experiences behind him for his sanity's sake. He needed his life back or at least what was left of it.

Ten seconds after Kyle walked out of the building the car pulled up. "You know it's super creepy that you are watching me."

"Hey, I like what I see," Leo said.

Kyle got a very uneasy feeling his stomach. It was like when he was on a roller coaster or when he looked over the side of a canyon at Starved Rock. "Where's my dad?"

"He's safe. You do what you need to and he'll stay that way."

"What I need to? Or what you need me to do?"

"Just do what needs to be done."

"You can count it," Kyle said as he watched the crumbling neighborhood go by outside his window.

Kyle was given similar directions as he had before. He was given a backpack at one location and instructions and addresses for the rest of the journey, ending up back at the same warehouse. He only hoped that Jesse wasn't there, the way he had caressed his cheek that day seemed to promise that there would be more and he wasn't sure if he could handle that. He only hoped that Voight was watching his movements and could hear everything he said, including the directions he spoke as he walked along his route.

He was back at the warehouse and once again pounded on the door and waited for it to click open. He had no way of knowing if his back-up was with him or where Halstead was or if he was even in danger. But once the door opened one question was answered. Jay was tied up and gagged on the floor by the couch.

"Hey there little one," Jesse said. "I've been hoping to see you again."

"Where's the boss?" Kyle asked looking over at Jay whose eyes were huge and Kyle felt as if they were a warning not for his own safety but because he had overheard or perhaps been told outright what they had planned for the twelve year old.

"You don't get to come in here after two easy runs and get to talk to the boss. Besides we have some business to take care of first," Jesse said as he looked over at another man that may have been the screamer from the previous delivery. "Dad knows all about our plans, don't ya Dad?" He said looking over at Jay.

Jay's eye's were huge and Kyle's stomach went into a free-fall again. "Look, just take the bag and let us go," Kyle begged.

"Sorry but that's not going to happen." Jesse took the backpack from Kyle and set it on a nearby table. "You want me to cut your dad free?"

"Yes, please," Kyle begged, his heart hammering in his chest.

"Sure. But first we get to have some fun."

"Who's we? What kind of fun?" Kyle asked, his nerves rattling around in every part of his body.

"Me and Dex." He said nodding towards the other man who was suddenly next to Kyle and grabbed his arms. "We're going to pass you back and forth and we're going to do things to you that you never dreamed of. But if you cooperate then you both get to leave. If you don't—well it will hurt more and maybe we keep you around for later. Dad gets to watch, you get to be our little toy. It's win win. Well, maybe not so much for you," Jesse said he reached over to grab Kyle in a very private place. The boy twisted as much as he could but Dex held him tightly.

"Stop fighting. It just turns me on more." He began to unsnap Kyle's shorts and the twelve year could see that, indeed, Jesse was turned on.

Jay was fighting his restraints while he screamed as much as his gag would allow. Kyle was sure the man was about to lose his mind, that watching what was about to happen to Kyle might even be worse than having it actually happen to yourself.

Jesse reached into Kyle's shorts. "Oh yeah. We'll yank these down and have us a good old time."

Kyle was terrified. Weren't they supposed to be listening to this? Shouldn't they be here? Why weren't they coming to help him? Were they really going to let him be attacked in order to make this case? Of course they wouldn't, something must be wrong. This could not be happening. Not again.

Matt was about to explode as he sat in the van next to Voight and Antonio. He been rushed over by a squad car and met up with them only a few minutes earlier. He wanted to be near Kyle while this happened. He hated every minute of it, but hoped this day would end the mission that his son had fallen into the middle of. The detectives had plugged in the earphones once it became clear as to what was happening, but Matt had already heard enough. They had been following both the GPS and Kyle's directions until they hit a long train near the rail yards and got stuck on the wrong side of the tracks. They had let Kyle have a three block lead unsure how closely he was being watched.

Another detective had been on the phone to the railroad trying to get them to speed up or even stop so they could at least get through on foot, but so far it was becoming clear that no actual human ever answered the phone.

Voight had been in contact with the department trying to get some squad cars from that side of the tracks to head towards the warehouse, but the area wasn't well patrolled and they were at least three to five minutes out.

Kyle knew what was about to happen. He knew it better than anyone would ever know, and this, was about to happen.

He could hear Jay making some kind of frantic noise across the room, but he was at least out of the line of sight. Maybe if it wasn't witnessed Kyle could pretend it never happened. He had already proved that he could pretend. He was pushed over so that his torso rested on top of the table. His mind was racing. He had to try for a distraction, but if that didn't work, he would close his eyes and deal with whatever happened. He had no other choice.

"Hey," he screamed out. "I'm going back to school soon and I can be your best representative and salesman. I've done two deliveries already, both successful. I know you can snatch up my dad and you know where we live. I would be a great asset to you and your profit margin."

"You're wasting your breath kid," Jesse said. "Nobody else is here. It's just the four of us."

"You won't break me," Kyle said breathlessly hoping that he was able to convince himself as well as his attackers.

"Oh, I think we just might." He said as he put his hands on the elastic band of Kyle's underwear and began to tug.

The boy squeezed his eyes shut.

"What's going on here?" A calm voice asked.

"Just having a little fun boss," Jesse said nervously. "Didn't know you were here."

When he heard the word boss, Kyle opened his eyes and caught a glimpse of a man with light brown hair slicked back, a button down long sleeve shirt, gray pants and comfortable but dressy shoes. He was younger than expected, early to mid-thirties.

The man looked at the scene before him. "Did I authorize this little game?"

"No sir," Jesse said. "We can hold him for you if you want."

"Can you now?"

"Absolutely. Do you want us to take him upstairs for you?"

"Let's ask him?" The boss said. "You want to go upstairs with me? I can make you not only a master salesman but you can be my special boy as well." He said winking.

"Sales alone will be just fine." Kyle answered, his face still mashed into the table.

"Let him up," the boss said. Jesse pulled Kyle back to his feet. "Let him go. He's not going to run anywhere are you?" Kyle shook his head back and forth. "Pull your shorts up."

As Kyle bent over to pull his shorts back up a shot rang out. It nearly knocked him off of his feet. He blinked and felt as if he was moving in slow motion. His face was wet with blood and he saw Jesse fall to the floor in a heap. Dexter took off in a run and made his way out of the door and into the daylight.

"Don't get me wrong I'd love to have a piece of you, and I don't like those who believe that they can take what is mine," he said winking at Kyle and then looking at the body on the floor. "So, another successful run." He said as he handed Kyle a cloth handkerchief to wipe his face off.

"Yeah. That's two. Can you let my dad go?"

"Your dad is fine. In fact I'm sure of it." The man leaned in close to Kyle's ear and pulled the earring out his lobe and clutched it tightly in his hand rendering it useless. "You know that I know who you are Kyle Casey."

Kyle backpedaled and slipped in the blood but was kept from falling by the man. "Whoa kiddo, it's okay. You are an amazing undercover agent. It was your past that caught up with you. And I am unbelievably impressed that a twelve year old has such dazzling past.

"Michael Camden," the man said as he let go of Kyle and stuck his hand out. Kyle looked at the offering as if it were a live snake, but he eventually took it. "I like good manners."

"How?" Kyle asked. "How do you know my name?" 

"I moved a lot of product through the Aryan Brotherhood of Chicago. Last winter they told me about this new and very young recruit that they thought had some great qualities. Said he was interested in everything that they had to say and even had the mark etched into him after only a few weeks. Can I see?" Kyle pulled up his shirt and showed the scarification. "Wow, you had it altered. You are your own man. I like that.

"Anyhow, they mentioned you to me. Unbeknownst to you we were going to meet, but then you were shot. I knew that set up with the Jewish kid was going to go all wrong from the moment I heard the plan. Once you were hospitalized, your identity was easy to find out. Thomas, Noah—Kyle. I think Kyle suits you the best. Did your mom or dad pick it out?"

"I don't know," Kyle replied.

"So then all I had to do was Google you—I love the classics—saw you in Les Miserables. Had no idea we'd meet again. You did a great job. Your voice has great range. That picture of you lunging at a burning building was touching. I was so glad your dad, Captain Matthew Casey got out out okay. Of course he was just a lieutenant then. I've been watching you for months. Though I wasn't even sure why as you turned out to be a law abiding citizen. But there was just something about you. But then you know that don't you?

"And as fate would have it—you walked smack dab into my living room by hanging out with captain undercover over there. We had no idea if he was police or legit. He's pretty good. But then it became clear and we played our game with you and—well here we are. Timing can be a pretty amazing thing. We've had some fun haven't we?"

Kyle thought back to when he had been shot and the fact that 51 had shown up in the right place at just the right time and ending up saving his life. He supposed this was equal but opposite action of seeing Halstead in the park and acknowledging him.

"But, if you knew that I'm just a normal kid, why would you let me do this?"

"Because I'm learning about you."

"Why? I just delivered a bunch of drugs to you and you just killed a man. You're going to prison. Why protect me?"

"Many reasons. We have a lot in common. You remind me of myself at that age. Full of rage, adrenaline—you'll do whatever it takes. You were helpless, about to be totally violated, but I didn't even hear panic in your voice. Yes, you were upset, frustrated, angry. But you still had the presence of mind to call out and try and strike a deal. You were going to sacrifice yourself for the prize."

"Whatever it takes," Kyle said quietly. "But then you know that," he said as he looked at Michael Camden in the eye, the two of them holding each others gaze.

"That's my motto. And don't get me wrong, in—let's see, in six years, feel free to visit me in prison and I'll be happy to show you a great time," he said, his eyebrows rising and falling. "I'm a bad man Kyle, but it's all I have. I almost had you. Part of me still wants to just pick you up and run. But self-control is very important."

"Self control? That's funny coming from you." Kyle said looking off into the distance. "You're going to let me go? Let Jay go?"

"Of course. You my boy are going to take on the world. Come here," Camden said. Kyle was about eight feet away and knew he should just turn and take his chance at running towards the door, but he couldn't leave Halstead there and there was something captivating about this man so he closed the gap between them and allowed the man to whisper into his ear. "Remember what you must do when they undervalue you, when they think your softness is your weakness, when they treat your kindness like it is their advantage. It is then that you awaken every dragon, every wolf, every monster that sleeps inside you and you remind them what hell looks like when it wears the skin of a gentle human. Can you do that?"

"I can," Kyle replied. "You know that I can."

"You're right I do know that you can. This has been your best performance yet. And I have faith that your performance will continue." Camden opened his palm and looked at the listening device. He hadn't been fooled for a minute by the earring as he had employed the same type of item for some of his meetings. He gave it back to Kyle and nodded for him to put it back in his earlobe.

Kyle took it and slid it back in the hole and understood that it was over and it was time for him to go. "It will. Can I untie Jay?"

"Give it a try, but I don't think you'll be able to. It'll take a knife to cut him free."

"I'll at least take the tape off of his mouth."

"Go ahead then."

Kyle went over and pulled the duct tape from the detectives mouth and once Jay uttered his first word, Voight and crew rushed in through the door.

"Huh, guess it didn't latch after Dexter ran through it. Did you catch him?" Camden asked nonchalantly.

"Get on your knees," Voight screamed. Once Camden was down Voight told him that they had caught the accomplice running across the parking lot.

"Good, he can talk about my ruthlessness to all who will listen." Switching gears he looked over at Kyle. "You are very impressive Kyle Casey," Camden yelled. "Taking the tape off and letting him talk so they'd know you were away from me and I couldn't take you hostage. Where's the listening device?"

"Earring," Kyle answered, playing along.

"Clever."

"Why didn't you run?" Voight asked as Matt was finally allowed to come in and raced over towards his son.

"Because once the fact gets out that if my people don't tow the exact line that I put down. That I don't allow any liberties and I protect those that I deem worthy—I'll have the most loyal troops around. I can run this game just as easily from prison. And that kid," he said nodding towards Kyle. "He'll either be my greatest ally or my greatest adversary. Either one will keep me on my toes.

And fifteen years later when Michael Camden stepped from the prison gates a free man, Kyle had most certainly fallen into one of those categories.


	41. Fire Meets Fate

_Author's note: this chapter jumps ahead fifteen years and contains a lot of information, including a traumatic event that took place in Kyle's past._

 **Fire Meets Fate**

 _ **Fifteen years later**_

"Put your hands up," the officer yelled. "Down on your knees and lace your fingers behind your head!"

Kyle complied with the instructions. He was then thrown down and found a knee in the center of his back as his hands were yanked behind him and cuffed. His face was mashed against the grass and his spine was protesting. He was getting tired of this routine, but he would never show it.

"How was that Sarge?" Officer Linley asked as she stood up and proceeded to unlock the cuffs from Kyle's wrists.

"Very good. You've really improved. Keep practicing, be the one in charge, project your voice, be sure of yourself and lean on that knee. It took the wind out of me."

"I'm sorry Sarge," the young officer said. "I didn't mean—"

"You had to mean it." Kyle said brushing his clothes off as he stood up. "You can't go half way. It's all in or nothing. But I need a break. See if Hodges will give you a turn or two."

"He probably won't."

"Tell I said so. That it's an order."

"Yes sir," she said as she scurried off.

"Hodges is going to hate you." Detective Hinds said coming up on the impromptu training.

"I don't care if he does. I need every officer working at the top of their capabilities. If Linley needs some extra practice then she goes going to get it and it's all of our responsibility to ensure that she does. I'm not going to have her overpowered because she hesitated."

"You're right. Which is why you have the stripes at such a young age. And, oh yeah, a whole task force under you."

"Just good timing," Kyle said.

"That and Voight adored you. I mean he had to right? He waited until you were ready and then retires handing his precious task force over to a twenty-seven year old. It made everybody gasp. I mean we all know you are capable, but he took a chance."

"Is that chance paying off?" Kyle asked his subordinate who was ten years his senior.

"It is. I don't how he knew, but clearly he knew what he was doing. You two must have shared secrets."

Kyle looked off into the distance so Hinds wouldn't catch the emotion on his face. "I have to meet someone. I'll catch you later."

"Okay Sarge." Hinds said waving his boss off. He turned to see Officer Hodges heading his way.

"Where's Casey?" He barked.

"Do you really want to go around calling him by his last name? And in that tone. It could be considered insubordination if he wanted to drag you down."

"He told Linley to have me pretend to be a perp so she could tackle me."

"Yeah, because he had to be somewhere and couldn't' do it anymore. You want to know how he rose through the ranks so fast?"

"Cause he was up Voight's ass?"

"No. They actually didn't even like each other. Something in the past that Kyle never got over. But, Voight knew Kyle and knew what kind of leader he could be, and more importantly, would be. And he is. How many Sergeants do you see checking in with in the beat cops on a daily basis. How many are letting themselves be tossed around like rag dolls so that confidence can be built. Nobody, and I mean nobody will care as much as that man does."

It had been a somewhat of a surprise to many, including Kyle, how fast he rose through the ranks and that he had been asked to take over the task force at his age and inexperience. To make sergeant at twenty-six, is unheard of, to be part of a task force at that age unusual, to head a task force at that age, unprecedented. But after Voight's gruff exterior and difficulties with the media, the Commissioner believed that a handsome face and charming personality could help bridge the tensions between the CPD and—well everyone. Voight had made it clear that the man could handle it despite his shortcomings, that he learned quickly, worked well with everyone and in his heart he wanted to save the world despite knowing that he couldn't. The more time that passed since making the decision the more the brass realized that it had been the right one. He was a natural.

"My question is why? Why is he so involved?" Hodges asked.

"I know him well and I know his childhood had its share of adventures. But there are demons that are there that he refuses to let go. And it's those demons that keep him, awake, alert and always on the lookout."

"The lookout for what?"

"To make each and every one of us better. To prevent tragedies that can be prevented. To make this world a better place. To make sure other's don't suffer like he did.

"Take my advice and don't screw with him. He will win, whether he wants to or not. He is smarter, faster, stronger—he is more of anything than you will ever be. I don't why or how, but he is. He grew up fast and grew up young and learned a shitload of everything while he was doing it. Not only do I recommend you not fuck with him, you have no reason to. He will die for you and not think twice about it—even if he knows you despise him. Because he's that kind of guy and that is why he such a damn good leader.

"Look, leadership to him isn't about being the best, it's about making those around him better, just like he was doing with Linley—making her better, faster, stronger, confident. You know the kind of people that walk into a room and take up all the air?" Hodges nodded that he did. In fact he had been told he was one of those people. "Well Sarge is the kind of guy that fills it up with oxygen just by walking in—brings a peace and confidence with his mere presence. You can't make that or train it into someone—it's a gift whether God given or forced through life's experiences. But he has it and don't you ever try to undermine it, he was born for this."

"Born for it huh?" Hodges asked.

"Yes. My wife is a very open person, she says she can see aura's and feel energy. Take it for whatever it's worth," Hinds put his hand up to Hodges open mouth ready to laugh, "but she does read people well. Anyway, she has met him twice and said he took her breath away before they even shook hands. She said his energy was like she had never seen and his aura was nothing short of beautiful—that she felt as if nothing bad could happen as long as he was around. I know I feel when he is around—I think she is onto something. You can believe what you want, but even you are easier to deal with when he's around."

 **Kyle walked to the spot near the Riverwalk** where is life had changed so much. He reflected on the summer that he turned twelve and helped make him who he was today. The one action that could have buried him but instead it made him realize that he was stronger than he ever thought possible. The act that showed that he could endure anything. He wouldn't let it beat him, in silence he carried the secret, the burden that he had told only one other person. The act that he carried on his shoulders made him able to bear nearly any burden. He knew that his father and Kelly believed that he had played with fire but never really got burned—they were wrong.

"Ahh, the sunshine on my face. One thing I did miss during my time on the inside was going outside whenever I wanted." The man said as he looked at Kyle. "You were the first person I wanted to see when I got out. You never visited." He said as he walked up and stopped beside him.

"And that surprised you?" Kyle asked.

"I thought that maybe when you turned eighteen you might stop by."

"You thought wrong."

"I know. But you know I reached out to you. You know that!"

"I do."

"I protected you. More than you'll ever know. I helped you. Whatever you wanted. Drugs creeping up in your school's neighborhood—I made them go away. Gangs hanging out near your dad's firehouse and I snapped my fingers—they left. You didn't come see me, but you contacted me."

"Only when I needed something."

"Because I owed you?"

"Hell yes you owed me."

"I made you who you are today. I gave you what you needed to earn those stripes, Sergeant Casey. What about your daughter's scholarships magically appearing so that your ex wouldn't take them and run to the suburbs? You think they showed up all on their own? That's a damn fine school and it's costing me a fortune and your youngest is only three. That's a lot of tuition ahead of me.

"I gave you the drive, the desire, the knowledge that you are tougher than anyone or anything around you. I've saved you, more than once."

Kyle looked over with a tight smile. "Saved me huh? You take a lot of goddamn credit you know."

"Shouldn't I?" He reached out to touch Kyle's face but he grabbed the man's arm and looked around to ensure they had enough privacy for their conversation.

"You raped me." Kyle hissed. "I was twelve years old and you did that to me. Told me a bunch of bullshit like you spouted just now and left me to figure out what the hell had happened to me."

"And you were tough enough not to tell anyone."

"You said you'd kill my father and my godfather."

"And I would have."

"Yeah. I know you would have. I never had any doubts about that."

"You protected them, just like you protect your daughters, like you protect this city. I made sure you were the safest kid in Chicago and now your daughters are. You know that. This is how legends are made."

"Legend? All because I kept my mouth shut."

"Because you kept your mouth shut to protect others, you sacrificed yourself. You passed a test most wouldn't. Because you moved right along with your life."

"I moved along with my life?" Kyle shook his head. "I didn't have much of a choice, but that doesn't mean it wasn't painful. That it didn't drag me down when I was behind closed doors. It also helped that you ended up in prison. It made me feel better. Maybe you weren't there because of what you did to me, but you were still there."

"Ironic isn't it, that I went there for killing a man—"

"That was about to do the same thing to me that had done only days before?"

"Yeah. You weren't scared that day. That was even a better performance than your portrayal of young Gavroche in Les Miz. You knew I was there and that I wouldn't let anything happen to you. And you didn't let anyone else know what you knew. It was then, that I knew you were special."

"Do you know how hard it was for me to get through the days alone. I felt as life itself was cutting into me. It was like I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. It was as if someone else was looking back at me. That I was brushing someone else's teeth, combing someone else's hair. It was as if the days made no sense, like they weren't in order anymore. And I couldn't tell anyone!" Kyle stated his voice rising. "It was like I was weightless, just floating and nobody could hold me down."

"Do you remember the story I told you that night? Before I left that awful apartment that you were staying in?"

Kyle looked everywhere but at his target. "Yeah, about the mule?"

"Yep. Tell me the story."

Kyle hesitated, took a deep breath and licked his lips as he remembered. "An old mule fell into the farmers well. The farmer could hear it crying out and sympathized with him, but didn't have the means to save him. So he enlisted help from his neighbors and having given up on both the donkey and the well they began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first the mule was terrified, hysterical. But as the dirt kept falling—as it was shoveled on top of him and hit his back he realized something. When he shook the dirt off of his back he could step on it and step up. So he shook the dirt off and stepped up. He encouraged himself and no matter how painful each blow was, how scary and distressing the situation was he fought the panic and kept stepping up.

Before long, despite being beaten up and exhausted he stepped over the wall of the well. He had won. What seemed like it should bury him, actually showed him how persistence and refusing to give into self-pity and adversities can change not only our lives but the lives of others."

"You never let me down."

"You never gave me a choice."

"We can work together, you and me. Find out what works. You won't have that option with any other person in my position."

"You mean crime boss?"

"I hate titles, Sergeant." He said reaching out to touch Kyle's face again. "You grew up so handsome. I'm always available if you ever want to rendezvous."

It was true, Kyle had grown up handsome. His lean body had topped out at 6'1", surpassing his fathers height by two inches. His golden mane always fell just right regardless if he had just woken up or was battling the gusts of the Windy City. His eyes were two bursts of blue and always alive and alert. His face, while looking even younger than his twenty-seven years, had a chiseled look and he tended to turn heads wherever he went.

But Kyle wasn't in the mood for compliments on his looks and grabbed Camden's arm. "You try and touch me again I'll break it. I'm not a weak little kid anymore."

"You were never a weak little kid."

Kyle let go of Camden's arm and ran his hand through his hair. "I want you to tell your people to stay away from the schools."

"Which schools?"

"All of them!" Kyle stated.

"Just checking. Some on the south-side are big money makers."

"Not anymore. Those kids deserve to go to school without having to pass through a gauntlet of gang members and drug dealers. The entire city matters, not just parts of it. The entire population merits the same efforts."

"Okay," Camden sighed. "I'll make sure the troops respect a one block radius."

"Two blocks," Kyle demanded.

"Wow. Someone has me wrapped around his little finger. This may cost you," he said giving Kyle a provocative look. "You don't seem to be a one woman guy, there often seems to be a parade in and out of your place."

"Stop watching me. It's creepy. Besides you're the one who made me that way."

"Am I? You had other men in your life to emulate." 

"Well, we didn't have quite the same relationship that you and I had. I'd say you're the one that twisted me up."

"Let me help you untwist it."

"I also want the pimps away from the bus station," Kyle said ignoring the offer. "These kids coming in from all these Midwestern farm towns don't need to be snatched up into a life of dependency just because the first person that they meet offers them a meal and a place to stay. The next thing they know their standing on a street corner in a mini skirt and fuck me pumps."

"Now, you know that's not my bag. I don't control that shit."

"You do now."

"You drive a hard bargain, Casey."

"You're not going to break me this time."

"I didn't break you the last time. Like I said you are what legends are made of—remember that. Legends aren't born they're made—and I made you. I'm a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. We run this town, kid. You and me and nobody else."

"You don't control me Camden."

"Not now, not then." Michael Camden replied.

"See, you are a liar," Kyle said as he looked down the street to see his family heading his way.

"I'll be in touch." He said the sound of a distant siren made it's way to them.

"Sounds of the siren," Kyle whispered absentmindedly.

"Sirens, mean so many things don't they? Good, bad, life, death, salvation. A siren can save a life if it comes in time. Can't it?"

Kyle quickly tried to connect the dots and when he looked up Camden was edging away as he repeated that he'd be in touch.

"It was you. You called it in that day." Kyle concluded remembering the day that 51 just happened to show up on a call in the area where he had been shot.

"You know what they say about coincidences—they take a lot of planning."

"How big was your part? How did you know what Brock was going to do?" 

"I know a lot of things. Who do you think took care of Brock those months later? Who do you think took care of the guys who took care of Brock? I just wanted you safe. I never wanted to hurt you." Camden said as he turned and walked away.

"But you did hurt me," Kyle said quietly.

Kyle looked down at the watch his father had given him when he graduated from college with a degree in law enforcement. He took a deep breath and tried to tame his emotions and slamming heartbeat. He had so many thoughts racing through his brain he didn't think he could continue to stand up—memories from that night so long ago came racing back when he realized he wasn't as strong as he thought. Explanations of things he had no idea of—favors that were owed and payback taken without consent. He had spent so much of his life pushing that night into a dark corner of his mind that he was having trouble controlling it as it came rushing out at him.

"Daddy," five year old Mackenzie cried out as she began to run towards Kyle.

Kyle squatted down and scooped up his eldest daughter as she crashed into him. "Hey sweetie. How are you? How was school?"

"Good. But I have homework."

"Okay. We'll be sure to get it done tonight."

"Down," three year old Kara demanded as she tried to squirm her way out of Matt's arms.

Matt set her down and she raced over to her father, jumping into his arms. "Daddy," she said. "Look at my pretty bracelet that Uncle Kelly gave me," she said showing it off.

"I got one too," Mackenzie joined in, thrusting her wrist in Kyle's face.

Kelly and Kyle had remained very close throughout his childhood and to this day. Kyle's daughter's called him either Uncle Kelly or Grandpa Kelly. He preferred the title of uncle.

"Very pretty. Uncle Kelly spoils you." Kyle said as he picked up Kara and planted her on his left side, opposite his holster that held his gun. "Hey Dad. Thanks for picking them up from school."

"My pleasure. I love hanging out with my girls." Matt said taking Mackenzie's hand as she went back over to him. The girls loved hanging out with their grandfather and he was thrilled to spend time with them. He still worked at 51 and Kyle suspected the only way he would leave would be on a stretcher or in a wheel chair, no longer able to go on.

"You okay?" Matt asked Kyle as he took a good look at his son.

"Yeah, fine."

"You look like you just saw a ghost."

"Just a work thing. Work stress."

"You're pale."

"I think I need to eat. Low blood sugar."

"Can we go out to eat?" Mackenzie asked.

"I want noodles," Kara suggested.

"Then noodles it is," Kyle agreed.

"Can grandpa come?" Mackenzie asked.

"Of course he can. My treat," Kyle said.

"How can I pass that up." Matt said as he looked down at his granddaughter.

Kyle looked at his daughters and felt a wave of happiness wash over him. Mackenzie had her mother's hair and eyes, but had the shape of Kyle's face. Kara looked like she had been plucked from a Kyle tree. But where Mackenzie favored her mother, she acted much like her father. She was bold and a force to be reckoned with. Whereas Kara looked just like her father, she was much more subdued and serious like her mother.

Kyle had come up with their names and had been quite proud of his efforts. He had named Mackenzie Ann at first sight feeling that the name suited her. With Casey as her surname her initials spelled out his nickname for her; Mac.

The choice Kara Lynn Casey was initiated by Kyle but was much discussed and approved by Madison, the girls mother, because it matched the alliteration of Kyle's name and her initials of KC sounded just like her last name and nickname that Madison often used for Kyle.

Kyle and Madison had dated on and off while they were in college. She was his senior by one year, but was taken by his good looks and charming personality. It was early in Kyle's senior year when she told him she was pregnant. She had already graduated and had been working as a nurse. They had actually been broken up when she had gotten the pregnancy results that changed everything. They had tried to make a go of it, but once Kyle became employed by the CPD, Madison had started to make noise about moving to the suburbs where he could be employed by a smaller department and the job wouldn't be as dangerous. Kyle would hear none of it. She worried, nagged and finally they separated.

They had remained close in effort to better parent their young daughter and one night after a fight they had slept together and baby number two was on her way. He moved back in with hopes that something might have changed in the interim, but it hadn't. She still hated every shift he was on and dreaded the phone call that might come and change their world. Kyle could sympathize as he could still recall those very same emotions he had as a child when it came to his father. But he knew he was meant to police his home town, the city he was born and raised in, the city his father was born and raised in. The city his daughters were born in and he hoped would grow up in. The city where he had a personal relationship with a major crime boss.

A year ago, with Mackenzie getting ready to start Kindergarten, Madison had threatened to take the girls to a nearby suburb to live. As a city employee he had to live inside the city limits. He knew she was backing him into a corner. Leave the job he loved or have a longer commute to see his daughters. He reached out to the last person he had wanted to contact, but he got what he wanted, what he needed. He told everyone an anonymous donation allowed for two scholarships for the children of a first-responder at the Latin School where Kyle's cousin Violet had once attended. It was first rate school and with tuition at nearly $30,000 for Kara's Junior Kindergarten program and slightly over that for Mackenzie's Kindergarten, it was well beyond his means. But with the scholarships, Madison agreed to stay in the city and they even found an apartment closer to the school and where Kyle's apartment was.

The family walked to a nearby restaurant where Kyle frequented and was well known. "Hi Mr. Kyle," the owner said as they walked in. "Oh, you brought the family," he said smiling.

"Hi Mr. Lee," Mackenzie greeted.

"Your regular booth is open," he said pointing to the corner booth that gave Kyle a great view of the door. "I'll go get some crayons for the girls."

They walked over to the booth and Kara slid into the booth while Kyle sat down next to her and absentmindedly touched the strap that held his weapon in place. Confident it was secure he helped slide his youngest over where she got up on her knees to see over the table.

"Do you want a booster seat?" Kyle asked her.

"No Daddy. I'm fine." She said fiddling with her new bracelet.

Matt began to get into the booth when Kyle stopped him. "Put Mac on the inside." Matt looked behind him at the door. "Everything okay?" Matt asked.

"Yeah. I'm just a dad."

"Ah, eye's on the door, the whole restaurant in front of you, girls tucked on the inside. You're a dad, but you more of a cop."

"Guilty." Kyle admitted as Mr. Lee brought over two menus and two children's place mats and crayons.

"I'll be back in a minute to see if you're ready," he said smiling as he backed away.

"He sure likes you," Matt commented.

"I'm a great customer."

"Look Daddy," Mackenzie said as she pulled out a paper from her backpack. "I drew a picture. See that's me and you and Kara, and Grandpa and Uncle Kelly."

"That's fantastic," Kyle said looking her drawing. It showed the two girls drawn in triangles of purple and pink. The men all were stick figures. Matt had on his turnout gear as did Kelly and Kyle had a badge the size of his head clipped to his rectangle pants and a gun that looked like a grenade launcher strapped to his hip. "Is it for me or Grandpa?"

"It's for school. We had to draw a picture of our families and what they did for work."

"Where's Mommy?" Kyle asked.

The little girl looked up. "Where should I put her?"

"You can put her next to me."

"But I'm on one side and Kara's on the other side of you."

"Then put her next to you or your sister."

"Okay," she said pulling out her own stash of crayons from her bag.

With the girls engrossed in the coloring Matt changed the subject. "So how's that going?"

"What?"

"The relationship?" Matt asked.

"Fine," Kyle sighed.

"Still joint custody? Did she ever take you back to court for an increase in child support?"

"Yes, but she has them more than I do. Her schedule is more regular. She's been debating about doing three twelve hour shifts if we can work the visitation and babysitting out."

"I'll be happy to help where I can."

"Thanks Chief. As for the support, no still just fifteen percent of my income. She didn't push for the twenty percent since the girls got the scholarships to the Latin School."

"You sure you don't want to try it again. I know you still have feelings for her."

"She can't stand my job and all that goes with it. And honestly, some nights I wouldn't want to put up with me after a rough day. I can't expect her to try and pretend and I can't be someone who I'm not.

"All those years, I was so frustrated when you would tell me you were a firefighter, that it was who you were. Now I get it. The funny thing is that I bet Madison wished I was a firefighter. I love her. I'll always love her, she is the mother of my children, but we can't live together. I don't think I'm husband material at least not yet. I'm not the man she deserves."

Matt nodded. "What do you want to eat girls?" Matt asked as the waitress came by.

"Peanut butter noodles," Mackenzie said.

"Noodles and trees," Kara chimed in.

"Noodles and trees?" Matt asked.

"Noodles with broccoli," Kyle replied.

"With tofu?" the waitress asked Kyle.

"Yes. Thin rectangles, not too big. I'll have number three, spicy."

"I'll have the same," Matt said.

They handed off the menus and enjoyed the tea that Mr. Lee had brought, decaffeinated for the girls with lemon and mint.

"Tasty," Matt commented.

"Mom tried to give us eggs this morning. We spit them out and threw our plates in the trash," Mackenzie said.

"So they're vegan?" Matt asked.

"I didn't push it. When they were with me they eat what I eat. I never told them to pressure Madison."

"They are such daddy's girls. How did you get them to like vegetables?"

"I include them when I cook. And there might have been a book or two about how animals are our friends and not food. Kids don't know where hamburger comes from. You take them to a petting zoo and then equate it to the meal they are about to eat—it makes it real. I changed my diet because it felt right, because I needed a change after Mom died. Because I wanted to do things my way."

"You always did things your way."

"Here's my picture Daddy," Mackenzie said as she held up her project that now included her mother who stood off to the side.

"Good job sweetie," he replied as their dinners arrived.

"Daddy, will you ever sleep over at our house?"

Kyle looked at Matt who gave him a sympathetic look. "If I slept at your house, you couldn't come sleep at my house."

"Oh, yeah," she giggled as Kara rested her head against Kyle.

"I'm sure I'll take some shit about the eggs ending up in the trash." Kyle said

"Oooh, Daddy said a bad word," Mackenzie crowed.

"You're right I did. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Daddy is a little tired. 

"Will you be in trouble with Grandpa?" She asked.

Matt raised his eyebrows. "Reminds me of the good old days. Pepper and hot sauce."

"Huh?" Mackenzie asked.

"If I said bad words when I was young I would have pepper or hot sauce put on my tongue, to help remind me not to say them."

"Yuck."

"Definitely yuck. So watch your mouth."

"I will. I promise. Was Daddy a good boy, when he was my age?" Mackenzie asked.

"He was. He's still a good boy. Too good sometimes, I'm afraid." Matt sighed, his face etched with concern.

As dinner finished up Matt asked Kyle about the weekend. "When do you get the girls again?"

"Saturday morning. I'm supposed to pick them up at 10:00."

"But?"

"But I'm drowning in paperwork at work. I need to knock a few things out Saturday morning. I figured I'd go in early and get some done, then pick them up and go back for an hour or so."

"You can't take them to the station. They'll be bored out of their minds and you won't get anything done."

"I have a few toys in my office. I don't have much of choice. If I don't show up on time I don't want to risk Madison giving me less time with them."

"She won't. She knows your time together is special. How about I pick them up or Kelly does? I know he wants to spend some time with them."

"Don't you have a shift on Saturday?"

"Friday. I'm free Saturday. I could pick them up and you could come by my place when you were done."

"Okay, that sounds great. How about that plan girls? Grandpa will pick you up from Mom's on Saturday morning and take you to his house and then I'll pick you up and maybe we can meet Uncle Kelly and go do something fun."

"Yay," the girls sang out.

"Say goodbye to Grandpa." Kyle said as he slid out of the booth. The girls each jumped up and gave him a big hug and exchanged goodbyes.

"I'll let Madison know you'll be picking them up. Thanks Chief." Kyle said. Matt had advanced into Boden's position years ago when the Chief had been promoted. A few months after that Kelly had become a Captain and it was the most desired house to serve in, just as it had always been.

A year ago Terrance, Boden's son had found himself in a legal predicament. Nothing that major, but it had the potential of exploding when one of the boys he was with shouted out random threats and had a gun on him.

Kyle had come back in after his initial shift when he was called by the desk sergeant as soon as he had heard the name Boden. Kyle knew the man would never ask for special treatment, not for him or even for his son, which is why Kyle didn't hesitate to step in. He spoke with each of the boys and decided that three of the five, including Terrance had been in the wrong place with the wrong people and were remorseful about vandalizing the outside of a local office building. The fourth individual, Kyle wasn't as sure about but his instinct said to give him a chance to right a wrong. But the fifth, the boy with the gun and attitude seemed to be determined to ruin his life. Kyle decided to make the effort to talk to him, to see if he could break through even though he wouldn't be able to make him the same offer due to the pending weapons charge. He hoped that somehow he could persuade this kid that the path he was on had only a few endings and none of them were good. But Kyle was only met with anger, hardened eyes, attitude and derogatory comments. After an hour of effort he got up, shaking his head and walked out of the room.

He recommend the four to take part in a junior teen program that did community service, took a trip to a nearby prison for a scared straight session, and had several sessions with different officers as well as shadowed them for a shift. Kyle presented his recommendations to his superior and he agreed to them as long as Kyle served as their mentor. He did and all four completed the program and had the charges dismissed. Two of the four had graduated high school and the other two were in their senior year. Terrance was now a senior, was getting straight A's and was continuing community service on his own. He stopped by the district once a month to say hi and texted Kyle when he needed advice or simply to talk. The fifth individual had been placed on probation, screwed that up and was sent to a juvenile detention center and was now in an adult facility awaiting trial for murder. Kyle often wondered if he had fought for the kid if it would have made a difference. It was something he would have to second guess and live with.

Chief had told Kyle he couldn't thank him enough for stepping in. Kyle assured the man that what he had done didn't even begin to make up for all the help, love and support that Boden had given him over the years. It was the least he could do.

"You sure you're okay? You didn't eat much and you seem a little distracted? You going to be okay with these two?" Matt asked bringing Kyle back to the present.

"Yes sir. Believe me, they are exactly what I need tonight."

"Okay kiddo. I love you," Matt said as he pulled him in for a hug. "Call if you need anything."

"I always do." Matt looked over at Kyle with concern in his eyes, but let it go and waved as they headed out the door. Matt watched his son and granddaughter's walk away, knowing that something was wrong and it concerned him that Kyle refused to part with his problem. After his difficult experiences as a kid he generally came clean with any problem he found himself dealing with. But Matt knew Kyle still had some secrets or at least one. He knew the undercover operation he had participated in was much harder on him than he had let on and Matt was certain he held onto some memories he wasn't willing to let go. He just didn't know how deep or dangerous they were. Or how to make it all better for his boy.


	42. Three's Company

**Three's Company**

Kyle hadn't parked too far from the restaurant, knowing that the girls would most likely choose that restaurant in particular to eat. Kara insisted that she be carried because she was so tired. Kyle loved his girls but didn't spoil them. But at the same time there was no way he could resist those pleading blue eyes. He swung her up and planted her on his shoulders. He held Mackenzie's hand as they walked the two blocks to his car.

Once he buckled them inside the car Mackenzie asked to hold his badge. For whatever reason she loved to hold it. Kyle pulled it from his jeans and handed the silver star that bore his title of Sergeant and his badge number and handed to his oldest daughter who held it out and looked at it and then pulled in to her chest as if she was comforting it or maybe it was comforting her.

After dealing with traffic, unruly pedestrians and a malfunctioning stop light. Kyle pulled into his assigned parking spot in the garage underneath his building. As a kid he loved Kelly's loft apartments and when one opened up near the station he jumped on it. Matt had placed Hallie's life insurance payout into a college fund for Kyle but since he had received several scholarships he had more than enough leftover to put down a nice down payment on his place. The seller even gave him a discount as he could tout a police officer lived in the building to other potential residents. The girls loved it as well, enjoying the wide open floor plan to run around and stretch their legs especially during inclement weather.

He unbuckled Kara as Mackenzie got out of her seat on her own, still clutching his badge. "Time to give it back," Kyle said reaching out for it as he picked up Kara's backpack.

"Can I carry it upstairs to the apartment?"

"No deal. You know that. Help me put it back on my on my waistband."

"Okay," she sighed and helped her father secure it on his pants. "Carry me," she suddenly said reaching for him.

"No, carry me," Kara insisted.

"It's Mac's turn and if I carry you, then I won't have anybody to push the elevator button for me," Kyle told his younger child.

Kyle squatted down as his eldest daughter put her backpack on and hopped up on his back, her arms holding onto his neck for dear life as her legs tried to close around his waist. He put his arm underneath her to help support her as he tried to thread Kara's backpack over her shoulder.

"No Daddy, you carry it."

"No Kara, it's your bag. You put it on and then hold my hand." She huffed but followed his directions. When they got to the elevator she pushed the up button and then the number five button with a little boost from her father. They rode up quietly and Kyle thought back to his meeting with Camden. It had taken so long to quiet those nightmares and now they were back in full force.

It had been a challenge to keep that night a secret from his father and Kelly as they were both so attuned to him and his moods. It did help knowing the man was in jail and couldn't show up and kidnap or assault him again. He did act out at different times for several months but that was easily attributed to his experience at the warehouse. If they only knew that that experience didn't even register on his radar. He had even resorted to cutting himself in obscure places where he knew Matt wouldn't find; up near his armpit, the back of his knees. But he found that he was quickly running out of concealed places for his pain to pour out. Stopping wasn't easy, but he knew if he pushed his luck his secret would be found out and then everything that he had been hiding might be exposed, so he managed to stop. But he did find he got a lot clumsier in the kitchen frequently cutting his fingers and thumbs while preparing his dinner.

Once Camden started making good on his promises to assist in making the streets a wee bit safer for the places that Kyle frequented,he found that it helped rid him of the desire to self-harm. Redemption through favors he had guessed.

They finally arrived on the fifth floor and Kara ran down the hallway to Kyle's door. "Let me unlock it," she insisted.

"You can't even reach it," Mackenzie teased.

Kyle shrugged Mac down off of his back and pulled his key's out and handed them to Kara. "We'll do it together." He lifted her up a bit and they both shoved the key inside the first lock and turned and followed suit on the second lock. They swung the door open and both girls instantly dropped their backpacks and charged across the room.

"Freeze," Kyle yelled out. "Is that where they go?" He asked looking down at the bags.

"Ooops," Kara giggled and went back and quickly retrieved her bag and took it over to the peg on the wall by the bedroom the girls shared.

"You get it Daddy," Mackenzie said as she flopped on the couch.

Kyle sighed. He knew that he ran a tighter ship than their mother did, which was why it wasn't unheard of that she called him for disciplinary help at times. Even though he wasn't particularly harsh he did have ground rules and expectations that the girls followed or would find themselves in an unhappy situation. And the fact the Mackenzie constantly checked to see if the boundaries were still in place, as well as the constant need to push those limits bothered him. It bothered him mostly because he knew what that had led to for him.

Kyle stood his ground by the door and Kara looked over from across the room. "You have two choices," he began. You can come over here and pick up your bag and put it where it belongs or you can come over here and sit next to it for five minutes and then put it away. Your choice."

"Neither," she said casually.

Kyle took a big breath and exhaled slowly. He tried to quiet the demons that had been unleashed in his head earlier that day as he thought about what he was going to say. It was amazing that Matt hadn't simply killed him when he was a kid. The man had always handled everything with amazing patience and composure, but also with a finality that had given Kyle the security that there were boundaries that were not to be crossed. So he stood and thought about his father would do if he were here.

"You had better choose one, because you don't want me to pick what else will happen."

That seemed to get her attention as she sat up and looked over at him. "What will that be?"

"Keep sitting there and find out," Kyle warned, his voice stern.

"Fine," she sighed dramatically and got up and stomped over and grabbed her bag. She glared at her father for a split second too long and he bent down and gently took her arm. "Don't give me an attitude."

"But I'm doing what you said," she countered not quite as brave. Kyle hated to be too strict, but he saw kids every day that ran the streets and found more trouble than they could ever handle, because parents never held them accountable and there were no consequences. He spoke to a woman just the day before who had said she just didn't have the energy to keep track of her son. The conversation had taken place at the hospital where the boy had been taken after overdosing.

"You are, but you are to do it without attitude."

She put a fake smile on her face and marched over towards the hooks on the wall, the attitude coming out in every step. Matt had gotten his wish—she was just like Kyle and then some. He followed her and as she put the bag down he grabbed her by the elbow and steered her into the bedroom.

"What?" She demanded.

"That! That tone is what I am talking about. You will not talk to me that way—or your mother. You know where you are supposed to put your bag, but you couldn't just do it. You had to create a big issue out of it."

"Kara forgot," she countered.

"And when she was reminded she did as she was asked. Now, you should have done the same thing. I thought you were the big sister, but she is a better example that you are. I'm disappointed in your choice to make a big deal out of this. I count on you to help her out when I'm not around, but you are showing her the wrong thing to do. I expect better from you," he lectured, wondering when the hell he had grown up. "Now you can sit on the bed in here until I come and get you." The kindergartner looked sad and uncertain as she stood there. "Go on, get on your bed."

She complied, but somewhat slowly. Kyle let it go, he didn't want to crush her spirit, he just wanted her to understand there were rules that had to be followed. He had to lay the groundwork now, because before he knew it they would be teenagers relying on their own judgment and that judgment had to be somewhat sound. They needed to understand there were consequences to actions and sometimes those consequences were harsh, much worse than any parent could dish out.

"Don't get up. If you do, I'll know it and you'll stay in here longer," Kyle warned.

He went back into the living room and pulled out his phone that had an app connected to the camera that was in their bedroom. He sneaked a peek at it and saw that she was still on the bed but already looking around. This kid—she was definitely going to take a village to raise.

Kara was content for the moment and he realized he hadn't put his gun away. He disappeared into his bedroom and took down the lock box and entered the combination as he set it on his bed. Once opened he took the clip out and put it in his back pocket and then put the empty weapon in the box and locked it. He returned it to the top shelf in his closet and took down another lock box and went through the same routine and locked the bullets up. He then took his holster off and tossed it on his nightstand.

"I'm thirsty Daddy," Kara called from the other room. She sat on the couch and brushed her dolls hair that had been in a toy box over in the corner.

"I'll get you some water." He said.

"With lemon please," she called out.

"Of course." At least one of his kids wouldn't deplete him of his patience and cause him fits of anxiety. At least not right now. "Bring your doll here and drink it at the table," he summoned.

"Dora, her name is Dora," Kara said as she walked over. "I tell you every time."

"Sorry. I'm a bad Daddy, I forgot."

"You're not bad Daddy," she said crawling into his lap.

He looked down at the phone and saw Mackenzie slide off the bed. "Get back on the bed right now!" He yelled out, causing Kara to startle. Mackenzie looked around but quickly complied.

"How did you know?" Kara asked as Kyle put his arm around her to resettle her.

"Because I'm a daddy and we know everything. Don't you forget that."

"I won't,"she stated in a matter-of-fact voice.

Kyle knew she would never find the camera. It was high in the wall and he had drilled a hole setting the camera inside of it and found a screen that didn't inhibit the viewing but couldn't be seen by anyone looking at it as it blended in so well with the wall. He felt better if he was able to see them at a glance. He would disable it at some point, but not yet.

After five minutes of sitting, lying, flopping around, but staying on her bed, Kyle put Kara on the couch and went into the bedroom. "Can you come out and leave the attitude behind?"

Mackenzie nodded. "Yes sir."

"Sir? Where'd that come from?"

"You call Grandpa that."

Kyle sighed. "You're right. I do."

"Why do you call him that?"

"It's a sign of respect. It means that you," Kyle paused searching for the right words to explain the meaning to his young daughter, "it means you honor that person and care what they think. You admire the qualities that have—um the things they do and say. You want to do the right thing for them. Does that make sense?"

"Yes sir," Mackenzie stated, emphasizing the word sir. "I'm sorry Daddy."

Kyle smiled. "I just want you to understand that it's not only what you do, but how you do it that matters. Sometimes you don't realize the things you do can mean more than you expect. Do you understand?" 

Mackenzie nodded. "I'm supposed to do what you say and be nice about it."

"Something like that. Hey kiddo, I love you."

"Love you too Daddy," she said hugging Kyle who had squatted down to talk to her face to face.

"Can we play a game?"

Kyle had practically become brain damaged with all the Candy Land and other simplistic board and card games he played with his daughters, but knew they would recall this time with their father as fun and it was an important foundation for them to build a relationship on. He knew it had been for him and his father and Kelly as well. He still recalled their endless jaunts around a game board along with the tiny pieces and dice in their hands, the treks of plastic disks journeying back and forth across a checkered board along with the laughter and time together. Having conversations that would have otherwise never happened. He treasured those times and memories and now it was his turn to ensure his children had the same opportunity. And besides it beat having a tea party. If his fellow police officers or even worse, the criminal element ever saw him with a feather boa around his neck, sitting in a tiny chair at a tiny table with holding small plastic cups and plates as his daughter's served him, he would never live it down. But in actuality he wouldn't have cared. They were his daughters, they were his everything.

"Okay. One game and then homework time."

Mackenzie thought about it for a moment and contemplated a reaction when she sighed and said "Okay."

"I don't have any homework," Kara announced.

"I bet you do," Kyle replied as Mackenzie charged over to the shelf that held an assortment of board games, card games and books.

"Dad when can I get my ears pierced?" Mackenzie asked as she shuffled through the games. "Mom said it was fine with her, you just had to say yes."

Kyle recoiled for a moment. First Kara stating she had no homework which was highly unlikely as even the preschoolers had some kind of short exercise to complete on a nightly basis and he knew that there was no way that Madison would say what Mac had just claimed. His daughters were already in the world of denial, lies and manipulation. How would he ever survive until they were adults?

"I doubt your mom said that," Kyle said looking down at Mackenzie as she put a card game down on the coffee table that they used to play.

"She did," the girl assured.

"So if I ask Mommy she'll tell me that she said yes?"

Mackenzie acted a little less sure of herself, but nodded. "You can take me to a place tonight. Your ear is pierced, I want mine too."

Kyle recalled the same type of argument with his father and how close he had been to pulling the jewelry from his ear. "We'll talk to Mommy when I drop you off."

"Okay," she sighed as she dumped the cards out of the box.

After a rousing experience of some game Kyle wasn't sure he even understood, he put it away while he told the girls to get started on their homework. As he suspected Kara did have some work to do. It required her drawing shapes to help her learn how to draw letters next year. He encouraged her as Mackenzie finished up her report. He thought his school had been demanding but writing reports in kindergarten was well beyond what he had to do. She was already reading and writing, albeit simple text and words.

"I'm supposed to read this to you," she announced clearing her throat. "It's about careers and what our friends and family do for their jobs. Last week I did Mommy and this week I did you. Next week I'm gonna do Grandpa."

"Okay, let's hear it," Kyle said pulling Kara into his lap on the couch.

Mackenzie cleared her throat and snapped the paper in front of her. **"My daddy is a police officer. That means he gets the bad guys. He runs a lot so he can catch them. He has handcuffs on his pants and a gun and a star. He lets me hold his star sometimes but never lets me touch his gun. He puts it in a box with a lock on it. I'm happy my daddy is a police officer because he makes sure I'm safe. The end."**

"Great job sweetie," Kyle said clapping.

"I drawed this too," she said showing Kyle a picture reminiscent of the one that he had seen earlier, comprised of stick figures and large accessories.

"You drew, not drawed." Kyle corrected. "You did a great job."

"My teacher helped me with the big words and Mommy did too."

"There are certainly some big words in there. You did a wonderful job reading it." Kyle said as he took it from her. "Your writing is very neat."

"So can I get my ears pierced?" She asked, a hopeful look spreading across her face.

"I said I'd talk to your mother."

"Ugh," she said, her shoulders heaving downwards.

"Time for baths," he declared.

"Lots of bubbles," Mackenzie demanded.

"Of course. Strawberry or watermelon scented?" Naturally Kara said strawberry and Mackenzie said watermelon. Being the father of two for a few years now, Kyle didn't panic. "Okay, half strawberry and half watermelon it is."

He dumped some of each in the running water and pulled out some bath toys from the corner of the bathroom and then went into the girls bedroom. "Daddy, don't come in," Mackenzie whined.

"Sorry," Kyle said turning his head. "I'll go wait in the bathroom. Let me know if you need any help."

"I can help Kara," she stated. "I need my towel."

Kyle went to the linen closet and pulled out two clean towels and tossed one to his eldest daughter and took the other one with him into the bathroom, after he stopped and grabbed his laptop. Mackenzie came in wrapped up in a towel that sported some Disney character or another. He could never keep them all straight and would always smile and try and listed to the accolades that his daughters shared about each new princess, heroine, prince and hero that came along.

"Don't look," she ordered causing Kyle once again to turn his head. Kara having no modesty issues yet, came racing in completely naked and stopped just short of the tub.

"Put me in," she demanded.

"Yes my lady," Kyle complied, lifting her up and setting her in among the bubbles.

"Daddy, you can leave. We'll be okay," Mackenzie stated.

"Maybe next year," Kyle said. He wasn't yet comfortable leaving Kara under Mackenzie's supervision. And he didn't want to take the time for two baths. They had so little time as it was.

He checked his emails and typed responses as the girls splashed, washed their dolls' hair and just chattered away. He finished up, set the laptop out of the room and told the girls it was time to wash their hair. They allowed him to suds up their hair and then rinse with a cup. But once again when it was time to get out he was ushered out of the room. He pulled Kara from the tub and gave her a quick dry and took her to the living room where he finished the job.

"You okay Mac?" He called out a minute later.

"Yes." She said as she came out with her towel wrapped around her again. "I'll let you know when I'm dressed."

Kyle tried not to make a face as his bossy daughter went to her bedroom. He finished drying Kara off, spending a minute on her light brown locks. "Go and get your pajama's and bring them back here."

Kara raced off and brought back a nightgown with some sort of fairy on it. All he could remember was that she had begged for it at some point a few months ago and he had broken down and bought after she had dealt with a bout of the stomach flu. "Any underwear?" He asked.

"I forgot," she giggled and took off again.

"Bring the comb back with you so we can comb your hair." He called out.

She came back, still naked with the two items. He helped her get dressed and began to comb her shoulder length hair as gently as he could. He was sure to use the tangle free shampoo as battling knots and tangles was worse than cuffing a perp on PCP.

He finished with Kara as Mackenzie came into the room, dressed in her pink pajama shorts and top. "Can you comb my hair? I got started, but can't get the back."

"Sure I can," Kyle answered taking the yellow comb. It had large teeth, just like the one he used on Kara. He ran it through her hair, gently tugging through some of the stubborn parts.

"Daddy, I want a snack," Kara yelled out from the kitchen.

"Just a minute," Kyle called back as he finished with her sister. "All done."

"I want a snack too," she said.

"Please put the combs back while I go see what I have to eat," Kyle said looking at his eldest to see if she had learned from their earlier conflict.

"Okay," she huffed.

It wasn't perfect but, good enough. She turned back towards the bedroom while Kyle headed to the kitchen. He rummaged through the cabinets and refrigerator. He knew he needed to get to the store before the weekend and load up on food. He often worked late and would eat out more often than he cared to admit. But he liked to prepare meals with the girls when he could as it was a great way to spend time together and he got tired of being out all of the time.

"You can have graham cracker or an apple," he offered.

"Graham cracker," Mac shouted.

"Apple," Kara demanded. "Peel it and cut it."

Kyle pulled a slab of graham cracker out and put it on a plate for Mackenzie. And gave her a small glass of almond milk.

He washed the apple and then went back over to his youngest. "What did you want me to do with this?"

"Cut it and peel it."

"The peel is good for you, but I will slice it if you ask me nicely."

"Please," she sang out.

Kyle sliced the apple and laid the pieces on a plate and asked if she wanted milk as well. After she declined and climbed up on the chair she began to nibble on her snack. "Sit with us Daddy," she said patting the chair next to her.

Kyle sat down as his phone vibrated from the counter top. He got up to look at it, discovering it was a text that included a provocative picture from a woman named Josie, a paralegal that worked just down the street from the station. They had spent time together the night before. He hadn't dated anyone steadily since he and Madison had broken up. Between his job and the kids, he just didn't have any time left over. He rarely knew when he was going to get off and often worked past traditional hours, making it hard to plan an evening with anyone. So he had a circle of friends with benefits that filled his needs when he could find the time.

"Is it Mommy?" Mac asked.

"No. Just a friend," Kyle said typing back that he would contact her tomorrow. After eyeing the picture for another few seconds he then set the phone back down on the counter and went back to his kids. He always vowed not to have his phone front and center when he had the girls. "Do you want TV time or tablet time when your done with your snack and brush your teeth?"

"Pete's Petshop," the girls called out. It was their favorite show and Kyle had hours worth of it in digital format. Despite having watched a million episodes or maybe it was just the same five over and over, he really had no idea what the show was about other than adorable talking animals.

"Finish up and then after you brush your teeth you'll have about twenty minutes to watch."

The girls finished up and raced to the bathroom while Kyle saw an incoming text from Matt asking if he was okay. He assured his father that he was, a facade that he had kept up for fifteen years. Not that he struggled every waking moment because he didn't, refused to, but he had wished nearly every day that he could have let his father in on his painful secret. It felt as if he would never be free until he could share that horrific night with him. He had deserved to know, he had earned that right, but Kyle just couldn't risk it. Not yet, not now, maybe not ever.

"All done," Mackenzie yelled out jumping onto the couch. "I'll find it," she said taking the remote.

Kyle went into the bathroom and helped Kara finish up and carried her into the living room and sat her on the couch near her sister. He then sat in-between them and let his mind wander while on the screen Pete had a puppy parade at his pet shop. He had had no intention of becoming a father at such a young age or possibly ever, unsure if he was even fit for the responsibility, but he had realized early on that these girls had saved him in every sense of the word. They gave him hope, love and happiness that no one else could. It also made him realize just how unfair he had been to his father each time he jumped into danger without a second thought. He had only been six years older than Mackenzie when he had the brilliant idea of getting involved in the white supremacist group. The decisions he had made that he had no right to make, changing the course of his life and who he would grow up to be.

"Can we watch another one Daddy," Kara asked as the show finished up.

"Not tonight. It's late. Go potty and I'll meet you in your room," he declared as he got up.

"I don't have to go," Mac announced.

"Me either," Kara agreed.

"Do it anyway," Kyle said giving his best dad look. "Book or song tonight?"

"Both," they yelled as they skipped to the bathroom.

"We don't have time for both."

"Book," Mackenzie yelled as she emerged from the bathroom.

"Wash your hands," he pointed her back into the bathroom.

"Song," Kara replied from inside the bathroom.

"Every time," Kyle whispered. His daughters could never seem to agree on anything. Or perhaps they were constantly testing him on who was his favorite or who could manipulate him the best.

Mackenzie came out wiping her wet hands on her top. "I'm first. I get to pick right?"

Suddenly Kyle felt exhausted, as if he couldn't even put one foot in front of the other. He wasn't sure if he had the energy for playing a song or reading. Keeping with his love of music he had started taking guitar lessons in seventh grade and had continued to sing. He had even booked a part, singing song with a cast of adults in a production with the Chicago Performing Arts. He pretty much sang a solo with a woman intertwining her voice with his at certain parts while several dancers acted out the haunting and melodic tune that he laid out. He figured he had gotten the part because he sure as hell could ace a haunting tone.

Currently he was part of a band. But they didn't get together often as their lives and livelihoods seemed to get in the way. But the girls loved to hear him sing to them and he was going to be Mackenzie's show and tell next month.

"Daddy," Mackenzie said tugging on his shirt. "Are you going to sing?" Both the girls loved the tradition that they had started a year ago where he would sing Seven Bridges Road by the Eagles before bedtime. Just pulling the guitar from its case got them to hop in bed and sit still awaiting their private concert.

Kyle blinked, coming back to the present. "How about you pick a story and tomorrow we can do a song."

"We never have time in the morning," she complained.

"We'll pick a favorite song and sing it in the car," he suggested.

"Okay," she agreed heading off to pick out a book.

After a short discussion about whose bed he was going to sit on to read they settled into Kara's bed and he began to read A Friend in Need, about a baby elephant who got separated from his mother, but with the help of a friendly giraffe and her long neck allowing her to see over the tree tops, he found his way home.

He got up and stretched and put the book back as Mackenzie climbed out of her sisters bed and ambled over towards her own. Kyle fluffed the pillow and pulled the blankets up to his youngest daughter's chin and kissed her forehead. "I love you" he told her.

"I love you more," she replied.

Continuing their ritual Kyle said, "I love you always and forever"

"No matter what," Kara said.

"No matter what," Kyle said, kissing her one more time. "Sleep tight my little one."

He then took the few steps across the room to where Mackenzie was standing next to her bed, apparently unable to climb in under her own power. He scooped her up much to her delight and gently tossed her onto the bed. "Help me pull the blankets down," he said as she moved over and helped tug them down. He fluffed her pillow as she snuggled into the sheets. He then tucked her in tight and they repeated the same goodnight ritual that he had just finished with Kara.

"Goodnight girls. I'll see you in the morning."

"Night light Daddy," Kara said suddenly.

"It'll turn on when I turn the light out."

"Check on us later," Mackenzie said.

"I always do."

"No bad dreams," Kara said.

"Not here, never. I will always keep you safe."

With that promise the two snuggled in and stayed quiet as he turned the light off and quietly shut the door.


	43. Don't Tame Your Demons

**Don't Tame Your Demons**

With the girls in bed, Kyle thought he take a few minutes to decompress from the events of the day in the hopes it might help him sleep. He was exhausted but his mind was racing at an alarming rate of speed and now that his two little distractions were out of sight he had nothing to do but think back about his meeting with Michael Camden—a man he had so desperately tried to forget every day of his life.

He had only sat down alone with his thoughts for several minutes when Mackenzie had gotten up seeking a drink and a hug. He got her some water and tucked her back in where she asked him to sit with her for a minute and he obliged until her breathing evened out and matched her sisters steady rhythm. He then returned to the couch where he had just sat down when there was a knock on the door. It was late, in the middle of the week and both Kelly and his father knew he had the girls and wouldn't risk waking them up with an impromptu visit, at least without a text or phone call first. He looked through the peephole in his door and saw Hank Voight standing there.

Voight and Kyle had always had a very strange relationship—one that couldn't be classified in any specific category. Dating back to when he was a kid they would go a year without talking or any interaction and then Voight would consult him for something from a teens perspective or invite him to the police explorers despite Matt's opposition. But in the end Voight had waited to retire until Kyle had become a cop, then promoted to Sergeant and ready to take on the responsibility of taking over the intelligence task force. Voight had led the unit for enough years to know that very few could handle all that came with it and do the job that was necessary when it was necessary, but he knew with certainty that this kid had everything that would be demanded of him.

"Hank, what are you doing here?" Kyle asked as he opened the door. He stepped aside and looked over the bedroom door as he did.

"You have the girls?"

"Yes. I just got Mackenzie down."

"She's a pistol. She's just like you."

"I know. I know. And it scares the hell out of me. What brings you here?"

"Camden. I know he got out today and I bet you know it too."

"I did. We've spoken."

"You have?" Voight asked surprised at the news.

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

"I'm great. Just great. Why wouldn't I be?" Kyle said trying to maintain his demeanor as they moved over to the couch.

"Have you seen him since he went to prison?"

"Of course not."

"You are one of the toughest people I know, but this could be the one thing that gets to you."

"I don't know what to do Hank."

"How do you mean? Does he want to start up a relationship?" 

"No." Kyle said. "He wants to continue it." 

"I'm sorry? Continue?"

"I never went to see him, even after I was an adult, but—"

"But?"

"Today I asked him to back the drug deals two blocks away from the all of the schools. And to get the pimps away from the bus station." Kyle said, changing his direction.

"Think he'll do it? Think he can?"

"He can, he will."

"How do you know that?"

"Because when I was in seventh grade, the drug trade starting creeping down the blocks towards my school. People paid a lot of money for their kids to go to that school and now the students were dodging drug deals just down the street. I liked my school and none of us should have to deal with that. No student should, regardless of where they go to school, public or private.

"Anyway, I asked Camden to make it stop—and he did."

"He did?" Voight asked rubbing his hand on his chin.

"A few years later the gangs started to encroach on 51. That is a neighborhood firehouse and it was getting to the point that my dad wouldn't let me come down there and they had to close the garage doors. They tried to talk to government officials but nothing changed."

"But you took care of it," Voight concluded.

"I asked, he answered. The gangs drifted away. They went somewhere else I'm sure. I realized they became somebody else's problem, but I had to do what was best for that neighborhood."

"So now you want to protect every school, every neighborhood."

"Yes."

"How did you communicate?"

"One day at school I found a small card in my locker at school. It came with a burner phone and one number programmed into it. The instructions were to text that number if I needed anything. So one day I tried it. Two days later the drug pushers where gone."

"That quick?"

"That quick. It was like he snapped his fingers and my small world changed. The same with the gangs near the firehouse. That's why I know he can do what I asked of him today."

"Did you ever talk to anyone?"

"No, text only. I was probably in touch with one of his guys. I know that in prison he held a lot of power—that even people on the outside did exactly what he wanted and when he wanted it."

"Now that he's out, he wields even more power." Voight surmised.

"I hope so. He's my only hope of bringing some kind of peace to this city."

Hank looked down at the floor and shook his head. "You expect the wolves to be nice? Just because you invited them to play with you?"

"I don't always play nice either. I know what you did." Kyle said shifting gears.

"What? When?"

"The day I told you what he did to me. The day I shared my secret. The day I couldn't hold onto it anymore. I know that Camden was beaten up in prison. I also know that your name was on the visitors log. No one in that prison would have taken on the task of putting the beat down on that man. Only you."

"I had to do something. You held onto that secret for years. It was time to extract some kind of payment."

"Well thanks. I was afraid if I didn't tell someone I would lose my mind. I think I almost did anyway."

"Maybe you could tell your father now—about what happened that night. Or your ex. Whether or not you can see it, I know that you two are meant for each other. Maybe this secret is what is keeping you apart more than your issues with your job. She knows you're hiding something and thinks it's job related when it's not. I lost the love of my life and I don't want the same to happen to you before you even get started."

"I don't think I can tell Madison. I know she hates my job, I don't know that telling her will fix anything. And no. I'm not going to burden my father with it either. He'll be mad that I waited until now and who knows what he might do. But I'm pretty sure whatever it was it would get him killed. In fact he would probably tell Kelly and they could both be killed. There probably isn't a statute of limitations on death threats. I am not going to allow that to happen. I survived my childhood holding onto that secret, now is not the time to risk it."

"When then?"

"Never." Kyle stated.

"We had another man in the apartment across the hall to help keep an eye on you. What the hell happened with him?"

Kyle shrugged. "I asked about that years ago. I was told that the man was taking a nap. Maybe he survived, maybe he didn't, either way he probably never knew what hit him. Or maybe he took a payoff and opened up a scuba shop in the Caribbean."

"Let me ask you something. Did he have anything to do with those two white supremacists being killed in prison?"

"He had a hand in everything."

"Sonofabitch. What the hell Casey? Tell me everything."

"He knew me from the beginning. He moved drugs through the Aryan Brotherhood of Chicago. They told him about me. Apparently I was impressive. I guess he was at some of the meetings, checking me out. And then Brock shot me."

"Did he—?"

"Have Brock killed? Yes he did. I guess he didn't appreciate the man's actions."

"Then why kill the two that shot Brock?"

"Loose ends? Shits and giggles? Prove his dominance? Pile up another favor he believed I owed him? Take your pick."

"Is that why he came to you that night? To have his protective measures repaid?"

"Yes. He as much as told me that. Maybe there were other reasons, but that's what I believe."

"But that day in the warehouse, it was as if he told you everything for the first time. Like you had never met."

"He can act as well as I can. It was a show for all to hear."

"Christ. I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. I couldn't let you have any idea. Not you, not my father, not anyone."

"Heavy burden to bear."

"I know," Kyle said fighting back tears. "But he saved my life that day."

"What day?"

"The day I was shot He called in the man-down to dispatch. It wasn't a coincidence. He has protected me more than once. Maybe that's why I didn't say no. I never said no." Kyle said breaking down into tears.

Voight reached over and pulled Kyle close to him. "I'm pretty sure it was implied. You were the victim and did nothing wrong. Do you understand that? He was a man, you were a boy, a young, small boy in a ridiculous situation that I am so sorry you were in."

Kyle inhaled and tried to gain control of his breath. "I always wondered that if I had been shot after that if I would have wanted to live or just let myself slip away."

"There were times early on when I worked with you that I wasn't sure if you were brave, stupid or suicidally reckless. I'm thinking I know now. You can't play around Kyle. Your father, Kelly, they would never survive your death. They just wouldn't. I've never seen a face like the one your father had when you got your badge. It was a mix of terror and pride. You owe him a long life. You owe those girls in that bedroom their father. You don't get to decide for them. Do you understand me?"

Kyle nodded and swallowed his emotions back. "Who would have ever predicted this? You giving me advice, consoling me, knowing a secret I will never part with to anyone else.

"He ran the city from prison. Now, he's out and it's all at his feet." Kyle said shaking his head.

"Why did he kill that Jesse guy right in front of you and Halstead, knowing we were listening and he would be sent to prison?"

"Well, the supposed drugs I was hauling weren't real so I figured he was protecting himself from arrest, knowing it was all a set up. But then he did that. A show force? He wanted me to know that he would kill on a whim? That he wasn't afraid to kill my father if I talked? I have no idea. I do know that his empire only grew on the inside. Maybe he had it all set up before he went in. He was actually safer in there. I know he had guards paid off to protect him, that's why I knew it had to be you that beat him up."

"He seemed to forgive that. I got several good blows in before I was interrupted. But he never went after me."

"Concessions? I get exhausted trying to figure out his motives and plans. But I do know he had a reason for everything he did."

"There was a rival that was getting bolder in the drug trade around that time. I had heard a hit had been put out on Camden. Maybe you're right, maybe he was safer on the inside." Voight said.

"He saved me and then he nearly crushed me. I'd say we have a complicated relationship."

"You could kill him."

"I could," Kyle replied.

"I could kill him." Voight suggested.

"You could. But then his replacement would be a wildcard. He has control, but I have some control too. There's something about me that has him locked on and I want to exploit that."

"But you can't—"

"Can't what? Sell my soul to him? I need to deal with the devil I know. I know him and I know what he wants."

"You," Voight stated."

"Yeah, me."

"But you can't."

"But I can. The needs of the many over the needs of a few."

"But you matter too. I can't let you."

"Can't let me what? Protect my family? Protect the citizens of Chicago? I'll figure it out. I'll do what I feel I need to."

"Don't shut me out. Talk to me." Voight demanded as they got up and walked back towards the door.

"Aren't you retired?"

"Yeah, some young punk took my job."

"Well you need to remember that I don't like you." Kyle reminded him as he wiped his face in case any tears had survived. He looked down at his feet as he regained his composure.

"Yeah, well I don't like you either. Hey, look at me." When Kyle continued to look down Voight tapped his cheek with his hand to get his attention. "Sergeant Casey, look at me." Kyle finally looked up. "You have your share of demons—don't you dare tame them. But you have to keep them on a leash. Understand? Do you understand?"

"Yes sir. I do. It's just that sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for."

"I think we all feel that way from time to time. Listen to me; you have to train our mind to be stronger that your emotions or else you'll lose yourself every time."

"I got it—keep 'em on a leash and hang on for dear life."

 **After Kyle said goodbye to Voight** he checked on the girls and was relieved to find them both still sound asleep. He stood there and watched them in their beautiful world of slumber, a place for sleepy, carefree dreams. A place to retreat to every night and find peace—a place he hadn't visited in years—a place he must carve out for his children to enjoy for eternity. He came to realize as he stood there, that he would in fact do absolutely anything to keep his daughters safe, his father safe, Kelly safe, Madison safe—everyone he possibly could. It was his burden to bear and he would embrace it—there was no other choice.

For the first time since Mackenzie could crawl he went to his bedroom and got down the lockbox where he kept his gun and retrieved it along with the clip. He loaded the gun and stuck it in the back of his waistband. After checking on the girls one more time he then went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth and washed his facing, taking a long look in the mirror at his reflection and wondered just who he was and who he was willing to become.


	44. Blood In The Water

**Blood in the Water**

 **Six months later**

Kyle jogged to the playground. He was a few minutes late. Earlier he had finished his monthly lunch with Danny and Angel. Angel worked at the same hospital where Danny was doing his residency. They made sure to make time for each other despite their ridiculous schedules. Danny was engaged to be married in the spring and of course Kyle was going to be the best man while the girls had been given the assignment as flower girls.

Angel had managed to get out of the gang life and had actually left the city for awhile, but returned a few years ago and found work at the hospital and reconnected with Kyle and then Danny. The best friends had stayed as close as brothers and had no problem adding Angel to the roster when he reached out. Kyle counted both of them as blessings that he owed a lot to.

But shortly after lunch he got stuck on a domestic case that had fallen apart and since he was nearby he joined the officers in trying to talk an armed man from killing his family because he had deemed himself a failure since he hadn't been able to find work during the past year. Kyle turned on the charm and the man had been taken into custody and would have a mental health evaluation.

But that little stop, plus some traffic had caused him to be late when he had planned to be early. So after he had wedged his car into an impossibly small space he decided to run the rest of the way. He ran between three and five miles every morning that he didn't have the girls. He did it to stay in shape, for speed and endurance in chasing the bad guys that he constantly hunted. He also did it to clear his mind before spending another day playing in the muck that dragged society down.

As he made his way into the park he continued his impromptu workout over to the babysitter who was at the bottom of the slide waiting for Kara to come down. He got behind her and gave her a slight scare, causing her to laugh. Beth was a high school senior that lived just down from Madison and the girls and would often fill in the gaps when neither parent could be there.

"Mr. Casey you scared me," she gasped.

"Kyle. Call me Kyle, please. Mr. Casey is my dad." She shrugged, uncertain. "Then call me Sarge."

"Okay, Sergeant it is."

"I'll take it," Kyle said as Kara came down the slide and he scooped her up. The little girls eye's lit up when she saw who caught her and she instantly clung to him. "I've got it from here. Sorry I was late. Where's Mackenzie?"

"You're a cop. My uncle was a cop. Schedules don't exist and even when they do they don't. No worries, Mr.-Sarge. She's over on the swings."

Kyle dug into his pocket an found some money and handed it to Beth. "You don't have to pay me now."

"Take this for now and I'll get you the rest next week when I pick them up."

"Madison pays me too. I don't want to overcharge."

"Let me know it it doesn't add up to be enough. Wait a minute—you call her Madison but you can't call me Kyle?"

"I guess it's the cop thing—authority. See ya later."

Kyle looked over at the swings and nearly dropped Kara. Mackenzie was swinging and chatting away as Michael Camden pushed her. He ran the twenty feet, nearly tripping over a gallivanting three year old and his nanny. He could see that Mackenzie was quite content and enjoying her time swinging back and forth.

"Ah, Daddy's here," Camden said.

"Hi Daddy," Mackenzie said smiling as she soared by him.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kyle demanded as his hand unconsciously moved back towards his gun.

"Pushing Miss Mackenzie on the swings."

"He said you were friends," she piped in.

"We are, aren't we Daddy?" Camden asked.

"What do you want?" Kyle asked trying to keep the alarm out of his voice.

"Well, I thought we could set up a meeting. I haven't heard much from you lately. I've been oh so busy, accomplishing all those things that you wanted me to, but you're a hard man to track down. I suggest that we get together and iron out some details of our deal. Quid pro quo right? I'll text you a time and address. Be there. Bye girls," he said as he stepped away from the swing and waved at Kara.

Kyle had planned to play with the girls at the park until it was time to take them home, but he found that he couldn't stay there after what had just happened so he took them back to their mother's house where they were blowing bubbles when Madison walked up.

"Mommy," Kara said brushing they hair off of her face. "I making lots of bubbles."

"I see that. Very good. How was your day girls?" She asked.

"Good." They both said as Kyle put the top back on his bubbles and wiped the slime from his hands onto his jeans.

"I thought you might still be at the playground."

"I needed to relax a bit. Easier here than there." Kyle said, lying with strands of the truth.

"Go in and wash up girls." Madison ordered. "Change your shirts too, the have soap all over them."

"Don't leave before we can say goodbye," Mackenzie told her father.

"Never," Kyle stated as Madison took the bottles of bubbles from the girls.

"You okay? You look pallid." She asked, her brown eyes concerned.

"Don't be using those fancy medical terms on me." He said with a weak smile.

"Going back to work?"

"Yep. Crime never stops. Madison," he said pausing to look at her, "doing the wrong thing but for the right reason is okay, right?"

"It's what you do all the time. It always seems to work for you. Why? What's going on? What are you going to do?" She asked as she looked at him. The sun was behind him and it was creating a halo around his head. Her breath caught in her throat.

Madison looked at the only man she had ever loved and would probably ever truly love. Her heart still did a little dance whenever he was nearby. She couldn't imagine what the pain would be like if she lost him. But by pushing him away because of his job she had already lost him to a degree. She feared if he was in her daily life the grief would be beyond comprehension if something were to happen to him. She didn't live in a land of denial. She knew tragedies happened to first responders all the time. In fact Kyle had already been shot once. It was just a graze on his tricep, but that was only a matter of luck. She was pregnant with Kara at the time and a little hormonal, but his efforts to calm her by saying he had his vest on didn't seem to settle her at all. Just because part of him was covered didn't assure safety. And the longer Kyle was a cop, the more his name got out there only meant that the most dangerous people in the city wanted a piece of him.

It was true, he was brilliant, not just book smart, but street smart and he was amazing at reading people. But he wasn't invincible and sometimes she feared that he thought he was. Or, he had no issue with giving up his life to save others. And that's why she couldn't fully commit to him. They still had their moments. She knew that he loved her, she could see it in his eyes and actions. They had continued to have intimate moments from time to time and they both were so hungry for each other that couldn't imagine being apart. But at the end of the day the went their separate ways, each knowing they couldn't change or lie for the other.

She had tried to persuade herself that the pain of losing him couldn't possibly hurt any more than it would now. But even if she told him she would support Kyle in his urban career, she knew he wouldn't buy it. She also knew that he had to have solitude on a regular basis to sort out what he dealt with on the job. It was that solitude that allowed him to be such a great father. And even thought they weren't together, she knew he would always be there for her, only a phone call away he would say. He did talk to her about some things in his life and career but she couldn't help but feel he left things out—big things, things that affected him on a grand scale. And until that dam broke they could never truly be together.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" She asked. "What are you going to do?" She repeated.

"My job," Kyle said as he headed towards his car. He was about to get in when he remembered he needed to say goodbye to his daughters. He walked back as they came back outside.

"You almost forgot," Kara accused him.

"I'd never forget," he answered pulling them both into an embrace. "You two be good for Mommy. I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Okay, Daddy," they both replied, but they clearly seemed to pick up on the anxiety that was floating in the air. Apparently they had touch of their father's gift of reading people.

Kyle jogged to his car as they watched him. "Kyle, don't be stupid. You be careful," Madison shouted.

"Is Daddy going to be okay?" Mackenzie asked, her voice full of concern.

"Of course sweetie. He's superman." But despite her upbeat words, Madison was very nervous and she hated not knowing why.

 **Kyle had indeed gotten a text** after he had gotten back to work giving instructions as to where and when. He had found it when he checked his phone that he had left on his desk as he had been working in the main room. He had thought if he didn't have the phone on him the information would somehow evaporate. But he had no choice, not really. Camden had been right, the relationship had been one-sided thus far with Kyle putting off any reciprocation until now.

It was nearly eight when he pulled up and looked at the address numbers taunting him on the side of the building. It was dark and the slightest chill had crept in. The entire day had been cloudy holding the possibility of rain and now a light drizzle began to fall coating his windshield as he sat there. Nausea rose from his stomach to his throat. He tried to take deep breaths but found he struggled as the air just seemed to rush back out from his lungs. Distant memories now swimming around in his brain, touching him, crashing into him. He couldn't do this, yet he had to do this. He slammed his hands onto the steering wheel as he pushed the tears back and finally he just flung himself out of the car. He had no choice, Camden could reach out for his children at any time and he couldn't allow any harm to come to them because he refused to play his part.

The building was an old warehouse, Camden still seemed to favor those. He had been told to ride the elevator to the top floor. The elevator doors opened to a loft style apartment much like his own. Kyle swallowed back his nerves and stepped inside. He had already unsnapped his holster as he hoped he wouldn't need it, but he was always ready for anything—or so he thought.

The wall nearest to him held dozens and dozens of pictures, hundreds actually, of all different sizes. They started when Kyle was eleven and standing outside of the Aryan Brotherhood building and ended with him blowing bubbles with the girls only hours earlier. "What the fuck?" Kyle said out loud,his hand touching the part on his jeans that still held the soap where he had wiped his hands earlier. "Camden, this is quite a tribute. Albeit a creepy one," he said much quieter. He walked up and down the wall seeing himself through the ages. They were taken from different angles, at different places, clearly none of the subjects were aware it was happening. He saw photo's that included friends, his father, Kelly, shots from when he started playing sports again, when he was singing. It was an entire timeline from his preteen years to adulthood.

"It's what got me through my prison time," Camden said coming up behind him. He had a morose look on his face and a gun—and it was pointed right at Kyle.

"I'm flattered," Kyle said trying to stay calm as he turned around and saw the man was armed. "You have my entire history here. Can you put the gun down? Please?" He asked as his hand fell down near his gun.

"No." Camden said quietly.

"You were right. You've done so many things that I have asked of you and helped me so much. It is my turn. We just can't do anything here. I mean you probably have camera's and I can't risk a video or picture showing up and being blackmailed. Just coming here would probably put me in front of a review board. But we can go somewhere else. I'll do whatever you want. You call the shots. Okay?" Kyle rambled trying to figure out a way to get out of this alive, preferably with both of them alive.

"It all slipped away. I let them rule me and I fought back but I still—you, us—together—I'm so sorry Kyle. I—I'm just so sorry. What I did—what I did to you." Camden put the gun under his chin.

"What's slipped away?"

"Everything. All of it. My domain, you. I have nothing left. "

"Michael don't do that. Put the gun down. I can't say that this will work out, but you don't need to do this. Put the gun down and talk to me. We can figure something out."

"What happened that night—I had no right. You just reminded me so much of myself that I couldn't let go. Couldn't let you go. The impact that you tried to make when you were so young—it left me speechless. You were what I had wanted to grow up to be. But I knew I couldn't, I just didn't have it in me. What happened to me when I was your age—the same thing, but you, you turned it to good."

"What are you talking about?" Kyle asked. "What happened to you?"

"It's like there was blood in the water, but I look to attack and you look to help, to save someone. You used your pain for good but who knows how much I'm responsible for."

"But you did help. I asked you for help and you did it. You helped."

"But it wasn't for you, it was for others, always for others," Camden cried out, the gun wobbling in his emotional hands. "You always had others in mind."

"A lot of it was for me. For me, for others that I cared about. You had a positive impact. You dealt with your pain in one way, but it can change. You can leave your empire behind and help me, be some kind of consultant."

Camden looked over at Kyle. "See there you are helping again. It's like a compulsion with you. It's like you can't help it."

"That night—the night you hurt me—it has stayed with me forever. But you were right months ago when you told me that it shaped me, shaped my future. It was a painful and horrific thing, but it gave me a strength to draw from. I can't say that I forgive you, but I'm here and I can understand more of the world because of what you did to me. Both my dad and Kelly told me that if I kept playing with fire I would eventually get burned. I thought I knew better. But it turned out I didn't know a damn thing."

"I was the one that burned you and I am sorry. But Kyle, you weren't burned by the fire—you are the fire! Don't you ever forget that."

Camden moved his mouth as if he was going to continue to speak, but instead he tucked the gun tightly under his chin and pulled the trigger, sending brain matter and blood in several different directions.

Kyle screamed out the word no as he fell forward and down to his knees. There was no doubt his nemesis was dead, but all he felt was numb. There was no victory here, he felt no satisfaction at his demise. Kyle heard a crash come from the elevator and he pulled his gun from his holster and aimed it towards the noise. "Halstead? What the hell?" He asked as the detective came through the door.

"He was going to kill you."

"What?" Kyle asked, the surprise in his voice clearly evident.

"I've been working the intel from his group nonstop for weeks. His empire had been crumbling every since he got out of prison. It was all falling apart. It was going to be a murder suicide. Voight was in on it too. We put all the pieces together."

"Did you follow me here?"

"No. I was in your office when the text came in. I saw the time and address flash across."

Kyle holstered his weapon and ran his hand through his hair and looked down at the man that had haunted his dreams for years.

"I know what he did to you and I'm so sorry," Halstead said. "I was supposed to protect you and I failed."

"You didn't fail. How did you find out? Did Voight tell you?"

"No. He never said a word. That night—I had a feeling pulling me from the apartment was just a ploy to get me away from you. But there was an undercover cop across the hall. He knew I was leaving. You were different after that night—lost in your own world. Your eyes were vague and uninterested in what was around you. I'd been a cop long enough to understand the symptoms—I saw the blood on the sheets. I wanted to talk to you, approach you, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"Then after I was kidnapped and you showed up at the warehouse and Camden was put away for killing Jesse, you seemed better and I thought—fuck I don't know what I thought. I let you down again."

"No you didn't. I, not for one second, ever blamed you. It was never on you. I would have only denied it if you had asked me. And if you had pushed it, he would have had my father and Kelly killed. See, by staying quiet you saved three lives. If they had been killed because of me—well I could have never lived with their deaths on my head. You saved us by carrying the very same burden I have all these years. And besides you're protecting me now.

"I thought I taught you better than that," Voight barked as he came in and looked from Kyle to Camden's body. "Is he dead?"

"Considering that I can see brain matter on the floor, I'd say so." Kyle said.

"You let your guard down. You let him get the jump on you," Voight pointed out.

Kyle nodded. "Yes sir, you're right. I did." Kyle admitted as he looked down at the body. "Jay was bringing me up to speed. Said Camden's empire was falling apart?"

"I just got back from Detroit. Camden grew up there. I learned a lot of things that will help us make sense of all this."

"Can't wait to hear it," Kyle said.

"Apparently Michael Camden was a normal kid, smart and a smart ass. Just like some other kid I know," Voight said looking over at Kyle.

"So he chose me because I reminded him of himself as a child?"

"Maybe," Halstead said. "He tracked you since you infiltrated the white supremacist group. There was just something about you that stuck with him. Probably the fact that you had reminded him of who he had once been."

"Who he had been before—" Voight began.

"Before what?" Kyle asked, his voice tight.

"I spoke to family members, old neighbors. When he was eleven his mother married a man who had fifteen year old son."

"Okay," Kyle said.

"When Michael was around twelve, his step-brother raped him. He continued to do so on a regular basis. Finally after a year or so of the abuse, he told his mother. She told him that they had nowhere else to go and he would have to figure it out. The abuse continued until he was fifteen and ran away."

"Jesus," Kyle snapped.

"There's a gap where we don't exactly where he was but when he was around eighteen he showed up in Chicago. He was a corner boy, selling drugs in a white area. Cute white kid put the buyers at ease. He worked his way up and one day, literally stabbed his boss in the back and took over. He continued to build it up, but there was always a part of him that was lost. A part of himself that he could never get back."

"He seemed to lose focus once he got out of prison. His system that he had implemented while on the inside wasn't working as well once he was out." Jay said. "He seemed to be losing the battle that he had internalized for years."

"You don't just get over abuse like that," Voight added.

"I can't imagine—dealing with that over and over again. What happened to me tainted my entire life. But I went to a home where I was loved and felt safe—not into the same hell hole to be attacked and brutalized over and over and betrayed by the one person that is supposed to love you the most."

"I presented everything I had to a psychologist who works as a profiler and their opinion was very interesting. They saw the attack on you was a way for him to release the anger and helplessness that he felt as a child."

"Do unto others that was done unto you?" Kyle asked.

"Maybe he felt that if he committed the act then he would have felt in control. At that point he was seeing you as himself at that age. Except this time, he was the predator."

"We have no idea what he was thinking when he had you come to the warehouse a few days later. He clearly needed you there. He may have not even known what he might do."

"When Jesse had me pinned, all I could think of was that Jay would see it and somehow he would know everything. I was terrified but felt that you would come but if not I realized that I had survived it once and it was possible to survive it again if I had to. And that's what he wanted. He wanted to make me a survivor. I was so afraid that he would kill Jay and then hide me somewhere. I couldn't figure why you weren't coming. I guess I wasn't all that worried because I knew I had backup. But then you weren't there and Camden was.

"The look in his eyes when he came over to me. It was like I was the only person in the room—hell in the world." Kyle said, his voice drifting in the memory.

"You were—to him anyway. The thought was since he didn't appear to get what he needed from—assaulting you he needed to protect you in a way that he was never protected." Halstead said.

"Then he was in prison." Voight said. "He had protected you from a next time. And behind bars there was no temptation when it came to you."

"I was raped once, but he made sure it hadn't happened again. Unlike his mother who didn't give a damn about what was happening to him on a regular basis."

"That seemed to empower him," Halstead said.

"But then he got out and things didn't happen as he had hoped. I pushed him away, didn't respond to his offering as he had wanted. I took and didn't give back. I could see it over the months. It was like he was fighting to breathe and I didn't care. I betrayed him. I was no better than his mother." Kyle said looking down at the body.

"This wasn't you're fault." Voight said.

"Maybe it wasn't his either." Kyle replied.

After several moments of silence Voight cleared his throat and continued. "He planned for his death. He put his finances in order. He had money in various accounts and he had allocated allowances to certain things."

"Like what?" Kyle demanded.

"Your daughter's scholarships have been extended until your youngest graduates. The school will be sent their payments automatically over the next fifteen years." Voight said.

"Your mortgage is paid off." Halstead added. "He must have cleaned his money in some way."

"Why would he do that?" Kyle wondered aloud as he looked down at the body. "Whatever happened to the undercover cop across the hall that was supposed to be watching me? Camden only said that he had taken a nap." Kyle said changing directions.

"We don't know for sure. But a day after that happened he disappeared. We don't know if he was killed or took a pay off and left the area." Voight said. "Maybe he is in the Caribbean." He said thinking of their conversation months ago.

"But we do know is that Camden's step-brother was found dead four months ago. You don't want to know what state his body was in," Halstead said.

"That day in the warehouse. He knew we were listening and you played along with him didn't you?" Voight asked for Jay's benefit, already knowing the answer.

"Best performance of my life. What choice did I have? I had to protect the people I loved. He was testing me."

"I think in some sick and weird way he loved you," Voight added.

"Or identified with me. I always thought he wanted me to rise up and conquer. Clearly he had been watching me since I was eleven. Even when he was behind bars he had me watched. My therapist once told me during some of my most difficult times that you wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before and that is bravery. I guess he was all out of bravery. It is exhausting."

"You going to be okay?" Jay asked.

"I will be," Kyle replied. "But now what do we do? He was my inside guy. He made things happen. I don't even know his successor."

"We do it the old fashioned way, one dealer, one corner punk at a time. We work our way up the chain." Voight said.

"You're retired," Kyle said.

"Well I meant you two." He said looking at Jay and Kyle.

"Sure you did," they both responded.

"There is one more thing," Voight began. "You need to tell your father what happened. It's the only way you'll heal. Once you do that, then you can get to work. You understand me?" Kyle nodded that he did.

"Okay, let's call this in. Kyle look around for anything that you want kept a secret. Maybe there is an answer to your questions in the mess."

"Will do."

 **One week later**

Kyle reread the suicide note one more time. He had unfolded and refolded it so many times, the folds were already weakened. It had been lying on Camden's desk in an envelope that merely had Kyle's initials on it. KJC. He had read it forwards and backwards and still had no idea how he felt about the words. They brought up so many memories, some so tragic that he would fold himself into a fetal position and sob, while others created a sense of victory. If he could go back, would he change what had happened to him? Could he have risked losing all the positive actions that had come from that one brutal night? Was he the hero that Michael Camden made him out to be? In some strange way he felt the need to prove to the man that he was.

He pored over the words once more, each word hitting home.

 **You reminded me so much of myself when I was young, before my life turned to shit. You had the world by the tail, I could see it in your eyes. You came, you conquered, you made something out of nothing, just as I have. As I watched you from a distance you were dealt a blow but got up and you once again shined. And for some reason, unknown even to me, I had to take it away.**

 **As I held you that night, the night I destroyed your world, I could feel your rigid body against mine, your tears soak into my skin, your spirit escaping into the night, your innocence depart right before my eyes.**

 **Tripping in the world is dangerous and before I took you down I had been brought down so many times, until I could no longer get up. Maybe I thought I'd find some kind of peace as I handed you a lifetime of pain and anguish. But once again you rose up and shined. You respected my demands and put others ahead of yourself and it was when I saw that I knew that it was my job to protect you. You had already become who I had always wanted to be. Only I had failed.**

 **At first I wanted to take you with me into the tumultuous world of the afterlife, but I realized then that I owed you more than that. I owed your father more than that as well as the rest of your family. I took a part of you away and I know that you will never get it back, not completely.**

 **I give to you my apologies but that will never make up for what I did. I had been a victim and I, for some reason needed to make you one as well. But you refused to succumb and for that I am grateful.**

 **Your children's school is taken care of as is your mortgage. I hope that you and your daughters will always call Chicago home. This city needs you and I'm sure you will mould your offspring into something just as worthy as you are.**

 **I had a favorite quote by Emilie Autumn that I said every night and now I pass it on to you. "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing—in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain."**

 **Go forth, live, love, lead. You can do it. You will do it. Whatever it takes. Make the world a better place in spite of me.**

 **Nobody is born a warrior. You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated. You choose to be one when you refuse to back down. You choose to be one you stand up after getting knocked down.**

 **You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. Let me believe I left some kind of legacy in this world.**

He exited his car noticing that both his father's and Kelly's vehicles were parked in front of Matt's apartment. He had asked them both to be here and they were. They hadn't let him down. Now it was his turn to return the favor. It was time, fifteen years later it was time.

After a pleasant greeting, the three sat down with untouched beers in front of them. From Kyle's demeanor both Matt and Kelly knew they were about to hear something that would weigh on them for a long time if not forever, and the grim looks on their face reflected their inner turmoil of the words that were going to be spoken.

"Thank you both for being here for me. I need to tell you together. I won't burden my father with explaining it all to you Kelly and I simply don't have it in me to tell it any more times than I have to. You know what an important part of my life that you have been and you will always be, and because of that I want you to be a part of this. I could never release this secret to my father without you being a part of it."

"Okay, bud. I'm glad that I can be here for you." Kelly answered. "I was always immensely grateful to be such a big part of your life."

"As was I," Kyle replied weakly smiling.

"You can tell us anything...we can help you through it." Matt said looking over at Kelly.

"I know that I've been difficult and distant for the last six months." He said thinking of Camden's release date nearly 180 days ago. Kyle paused and thought back to all those years ago as Matt gave him the same offer after his mood had darkened for weeks with no explanation. Kyle had declined to share his problem as he had jumped out of his father's truck at school back when he was eleven. The words "nobody can help me" were still there on the tip of his tongue as if it had been yesterday. But today was a different day and he was a different person.

"I have to tell you something that happened to me when I was a kid—something that changed who I was and who I became, or maybe it only ensured who I was to become. I discovered years ago that sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head. I have spent a lot of time there and allowed nobody else to see what had taken residence. Not too long ago I realized as I sat with my anger that it was really grief, grief of what I had lost and grief over the person I was never allowed to become.

"Sometimes you lose pieces of yourself, pieces that you can never get back. Perhaps they are pieces that you don't want back or maybe you use the empty spaces left behind and fill them with something bigger and better, and maybe it's those pieces that allow you to reach your potential, to find your place in the world. I was lucky enough to find my place in the world," he said as he absentmindedly touched his badge as his father and godfather looked on.

"I have been reading this note over and over and despite the desire to hate this man, I have found that I just can't—not anymore. He understood me more than I even I did. His soul had a depth that I will never be able to match or ever be able to understand. I know what he did to me put a wall between me and you, and Madison as well. The wound has been there for years, but I think when I share it, show it, it'll give a chance for the healing to begin. I owe it to you and to Madison, but most of all myself."

You see back when I was in that undercover situation with Halstead during the summer when I was twelve—something happened and I couldn't talk about it—but now I can."

 **The End**

Playlist that gave inspiration:

I Wanna Destroy by Ema

Sail by Awolnation

Humbling River by Puscifer

Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney

Grave Digger by Blues Saraceno

Born For This by Royal Deluxe

Dangerous Games by Klergy

Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons

You're A Natural by Imagine Dragons

Life to Fix by The Record Company

Born For This by Royal Deluxe

Extreme Ways by Moby

Quiet Lies by Matthew Mayfield

About Today by The National

Arsonist Lullaby by Hozier

Ghost on the Shore by Lord Huron

I'm Not a Saint by Billy Raffoul

These among many others gave me a great soundtrack to work with.

Thank you to all who have read my narrative. I hope it offered some enjoyment and different look into a show that we all love. I appreciated all of the reviews.

In the past I have offered to write additional chapters to those who would like to

read content that I hadn't touched on. You are welcome to message me with any suggestions that you may have. I can't promise anything since ideas and muse can't always be conjured on demand. Also, the holidays are coming and I am writing another fanfic for New Amsterdam. BUT, I promise that I will take any suggestions to heart and make an effort. I would add them to the end of this thread. So think about the offer. I know many quit reading after Gabby left, so perhaps some of you who stuck around would like a Kyle/Gabby chapter. Or anything else you can think of.

Once again, Thank You!

Carol (Winfan2)


	45. Bonus Chapter-Secrets to Keep

A/N Just a reminder that this is just a bonus chapter and won't be developed any further. This chapter reflects how Matt and Kelly react to Kyle's long held secret. Thank you to all who sent suggestions of additional chapters. I am working on another one right one and have hopes of doing another after that. Please be patient and check back occasionally.

 **Secrets to Keep**

Kelly fought tears as Kyle finished his story. As the last words fell from Kyle's lips he stood up and turned around as the tears splashed from his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose in the hopes that it would somehow rein in his emotions, but he quickly discovered it did nothing to stem his tide of anger, disbelief and profound sadness.

He turned back around and stepped towards Kyle who stood up to meet him. Kelly wrapped his arms around him and squeezed so hard he lifted him off the ground. "I am so sorry."

"For what?" Kyle choked out, his lungs restricted by the embrace.

"For everything. For that happening to you. For you feeling that you had to protect me." He said as he let go so he could look at Kyle face to face.

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine. Both of you told me over and over to be careful, to stop picking battles that I had no chance of winning, but I didn't listen and you were right—I lost, I got burned, however you want to state it. And, I don't regret my silence. It had to be that way. I'm certain of that."

"But," Kelly began, but quickly realized he had no other words at the ready.

"But—I survived. You survived. Yes, this secret tainted my life from that day forward, but no longer. I couldn't outrun it but now I have found some peace and I'm am officially free of it. It is not mine alone." Kyle paused, deciding whether or not to reveal the fact that he had told Voight several years ago.

"What?" Kelly asked looking at Kyle. "Something flashed across your face. What was it?"

Kyle sighed, resigned to the fact that despite holding a secret for over fifteen years, he would be unable to hold this fact back. "A few years ago, I told Hank Voight what had happened. He went to the prison and beat the shit out of Camden. I had to tell someone. I was an adult by then, and I thought I could hang onto it, but suddenly I wasn't able to. Maybe it was because I was exhausted by keeping the secret, maybe it was because I had just become a father and suddenly everything was different."

Matt, who had remained on the couch, in a nearly a catatonic state, finally snapped awake. "You told him? Voight? The very man you hated all your life?"

"Life is weird sometimes. His life wasn't at risk and somehow I knew it was okay to tell him, that it would be kept in the inner-circle of secrets and Camden wouldn't react. I'm sorry Dad, I really am. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You did everything you could, but still I had to do things my own way and this is what happened, maybe it was what I deserved."

"No!" Matt said loudly enough to make Kyle jump. Matt stood up and stepped over to Kyle and was inches from his face, making Kyle feel like he was twelve again. "Nothing you did made that right. Nobody deserves that. You were reckless and no matter what I did you always seemed to choose that path. But don't you dare believe that you ever deserved that."

"Okay," Kyle replied, uncertain what else to say.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. Like Kelly said, it wasn't your place to protect us. I feel like I failed you." Matt said.

"Failed me? You hardly failed me Dad. My God, you were what kept me sane when my world was collapsing. It was your love and stability that allowed me to go on, to know that I could survive anything. Without that, without you, I would have never made it."

"You were cutting yourself and I had no idea," Matt said as he paced the room.

"Because I knew how to hide it. I was in therapy, you were there for me, Kelly was there for me, all of 51 was there for me. I couldn't have had more support if I had a subscription. It was just something that I had to deal with alone."

Matt just shook his head and walked out of the apartment and into the hallway. Kyle sighed as the door shut behind his father. "Just give him a minute. It's a lot to process," Kelly said.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's just a lot to hear, a lot to handle. He loves you so much and knowing you had this battle this experience all alone for so many years is a heavy weight to have dumped on you."

"If not for you and him, and the rest of the firehouse family, I wouldn't have made it. But you all helped so much even if you didn't know at the time. Just stop and think if I had parted with the secret and Camden had killed you, how do you think I would have ever gone on."

"I don't know," Kelly replied.

"I wouldn't have. And I would have been so vulnerable then. What if he had just come after me? He could have grabbed me and left the city. What recourse would I have had? What would my life have become? If I had told Halstead or Dad right after it happened I have no doubt he would have killed all of you. And if I waited until he was in prison—I really don't think anything would have changed, he would have just had someone else carry out his bidding. I took on something bigger than myself and because I chose that route, I had to carry that tremendous weight.

"I still remember you lecturing me about how I just didn't get how dangerous my actions were. You were right. I had no idea. Maybe what happened to me wasn't deserved, but it happened. And it's over and has been over. I am hoping with this catharsis I will finally be able to shed the last remaining shame, tears and regret and fully move forward."

"It will still haunt you. I'm sure you'll have things to work out. This won't be magic."

"I know, but it's a step."

"A huge step. Does Madison know?"

"Not yet."

"She needs to know."

"Yes she does. This went so well, I just can't wait," Kyle said as he looked at the door Matt had gone through a minute before.

Kelly stepped over and pulled Kyle back in for an embrace. "You are more amazing than I ever gave you credit for."

"Thanks," Kyle said, his eyes glistening with tears. "It was you guys that taught me what sacrifice and bravery were, please don't be made at me for living by your example."

The door opened and Matt walked back in before Kelly could respond. It was clear that he had been crying. "I'm sorry. I just needed a moment. This—this is just a lot."

"I know it is. I'm so sorry. Maybe I should have never told you."

"What!? Of course you should have. I'm just sorry you had to wait so long to do it. I know you held onto this secret because you felt you had to..."

"I did have to Dad. Trust me when I say I had to. I'm not being heroic when I say that, it's just a fact. I didn't know this man all that well, but at the same time I felt like I could see inside his soul and his soul had been blackened and tortured. He would have made good on his promise of your demise. But that is not your fault. You have saved me in more ways than I have ever deserved and I love you every day for that."

Matt walked over to Kyle and embraced much like Kelly had. "I think we need to have some good long talks about this. Is there anything else you're hiding from me?"

"Not on this scale," Kyle replied.

Matt raised his eyebrows. He blew out a mouthful of air and then inhaled deeply as he looked out the front window. "Madison and the girls are here."

"She didn't know I was going to be here." Kyle said as he followed his father's gaze. He went to the door as Matt and Kelly gave each other sympathetic and supportive looks.

"Daddy," Kara squealed as she ran towards Kyle when he opened the door.

"Hey guys. Sorry for the intrusion, but we were in the neighborhood and Kara left her favorite stuffed dog, Blueberry, here last visit. I took a chance that someone was around." Madison said as Mackenzie made her way into the room and tried to decide who she wanted to latch onto.

Kyle picked up his youngest daughter and held her tightly. "Let's go find Blueberry," he said as they headed towards his old bedroom.

"Something going on guys?" Madison asked as Mackenzie hugged Kelly's leg and demanded to go for a ride, which was something that he would do with the girls on a regular basis.

Kelly looked over at Matt and then down at Mackenzie and lifted his leg as he made sound effects as they followed Kyle's path down the hall.

"Matt? Is everything okay?" Madison asked once they were alone.

"Yes. It's fine. Or it will be. Just some ghosts from the past."

"It's either a lot of them or a big one. You look like you've been through a war."

"That boy's love and protective nature is powerful enough to cut a diamond. I knew he was strong, but I had no idea just how much."

"Is he okay?"

"He's amazing."

"I know. And that's what scares me so much. It scares me every day. I am so grateful the girls are young and have no idea of what their father's reality is. The other day Mackenzie asked me what the mark on his arm was. I didn't know what to say."

"The scar where he was shot?"

"Yeah, that one. The one on his tricep that happened when I was pregnant with Kara. It had me so freaked out that I pushed him away and decided we could never be together."

"What did you say?"

"I chickened out and offered her a cookie. But soon I won't be able to buy her off with sugar. He hides it—the scar. When the girls ask him about it, he distracts them just like I do. He just can't allow them into that world. He protects everyone but himself."

"Kyle has to realize he can't keep his secrets, the people he loves deserve to know his adversities. They need to know so they can help him. They deserve to be a part of the life that he wants to hide, he needs to understand that he doesn't have to hide anything." Matt said looking towards Kyle's old bedroom.

"Matt, you're scaring me."

"I'm sorry," he said, blinking back tears again.

"I found Blueberry," Kara said as she giggled from her perch on Kelly's foot as he lumbered into the living room with a girl attached to each leg.

"Ugh, I'm getting too old for this," he said as he shuffled over to the couch and sat down.

"Again," the girls sang out.

"Sorry but the Uncle Kelly train has reached the station. But, what if Grandpa and I took you two over to the park for a little while and then maybe got some ice cream."

"Yes," they both cried out looking to their mother for approval.

"I think that's a great idea," Kyle said as he entered the room and looked over at Madison who gave a small nod.

"Yay," the girls both cheered. They turned and ran for the door.

"Whoa there," Kyle yelled. "First off, Kara why don't you leave Blueberry with me so you don't accidentally forget him again. And, I haven't gotten my hug yet," he said as he squatted down. The girls ran over to him and he held them tightly, one in each arm.

"Daddy, you're squishing me," Mackenzie complained.

Kyle held on a moment longer and then released his daughters. "Be good for Grandpa and Uncle Kelly."

"We will," Mackenzie said as she took Kara's hand.

Kara handed over her beloved stuffed animal to Kyle. "Take good care of him," she said in a gentle voice that only the young have.

"You bet I will," Kyle said gripping the toy.

After the group left Kyle watched them as he stood at the window. Four of the most important people in his life. The fifth was behind him.

"So you want to tell me what the hell was going on here?"

"Yes. Yes I do." Kyle said, his eye's both serious and sad.

"So talk," she encouraged as she sat down on the couch.

"You know a lot about my past, the trouble I got into when I was a kid with the white supremacy group, getting shot, the undercover work."

"Yeah. You said much of that was why you wanted to be a police officer."

"It was. I wanted to put the bad guys away. Well, there was a bad guy who I was involved with that hurt me. It happened when I was a kid, twelve to be exact. I had no idea he had been watching me. I had no idea about much of anything. And I was too young and stupid to even realize it." He explained as he held onto his daughter's toy, squeezing it with his hands.

Kyle filled her in on the background of the day and how he had woken up to find Camden standing over the mattress he had been sleeping on. "I knew immediately what he was there for. The look on his face—even today I can't describe it. He had this hardened edge, but so much of him was broken. He was so strong, I couldn't move. He talked to me, told me to try and relax, that I had what it took to survive this, to build upon it. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening—I squeezed my eyes so tightly I saw bursts of light behind my lids. I held my breath, which only made everything worse. I wanted to die. After he left, I was too afraid to move. I didn't think that I could ever move again. I never thought I could ever be a victim. But there I was, very much of one. It takes you to another level of life, one where you feel very alone and very vulnerable. He took what he wanted and there hadn't been one damn thing that I could have done to stop him. Some nights I can still feel his arms holding me down. I was so afraid that I would never be normal again. I'm still afraid of that very same thing."

Madison had just sat and listened to Kyle tell his story. She immediately recalled a time not so long ago at the hospital when the Intelligence Task Force had been called in to interview a traumatized victim of a serial rapist. The offender had been on the loose for months and had no pattern in which to follow. His victims were both young and old, and also male and female. They speculated that more than likely there had been more male victims who hadn't stepped forward to due to shame and embarrassment.

This particular victim was a twenty year old man who had been brought in with a head injury. Once they had examined him it was evident he had been victimized in a way he wasn't ready to admit. He had refused to talk to any of the detectives sent his way and it wasn't until Kyle interviewed him that he was able to break down and explain what had happened to him. With his help, along with Kyle going back to talk with other victims were they able to finally apprehend the man who was now awaiting trial.

Kyle had been heralded for his amazing ability and skill in getting the victims to trust him and to tell him things that they could barely recognize themselves. Now she began to understand where it all came from. Only a fellow victim could understand how they felt and how to find the key to unlock their pain in a way that they could handle. His secret had always been there it had just been under the radar. He had been a victim himself, in many ways, he would always be one.

"I'm so sorry," she finally whispered.

"Me too. I know that this revelation is hard to absorb. And maybe that's why I held onto it for so long."

"That and the threat of death of your two dads," she said. She often referred to Matt and Kelly as Kyle's two dads. They were generally not amused by the title. "Jesus Kyle. You held onto that crown for so long."

"And now it's broken."

"It needs to be. You need to throw it down and stomp on it. You have to stop bearing the burden of everyone and everything. A secret like that can exact more damage than you can ever imagine."

"Oh I can imagine. It has cost me a lot."

"Me?" She asked.

"Yes. I could never let my guard down with you in a way I wanted to. I never allowed the intimacy that we needed for our relationship to survive. I fucked it all up," Kyle said as tears jumped into his eyes.

"No, no you didn't," Madison said moving over to him and holding him. "The fact that this didn't turn you into a monster like that man Camden shows just how amazing you are."

"He never had a chance. I had a chance. I was surrounded by love I knew would never fail me. He had nothing. He looked for answers he could never find."

"Unfair and brutal, but not an excuse."

"I'm sorry."

"For what? Don't be sorry. Now we can move forward. We can build on this new open door of honesty. You have no idea how much I miss you. Seeing you only when you pick up and drop off the girls just isn't enough." She said as she sat back.

"What are you saying?" Kyle asked wiping his eyes.

"I want to try again—our relationship."

"I'm not quitting my job. I'm not moving to the suburbs. I just can't do that."

"I know. And I understand that you won't or can't tell me everything, but I feel like a whole new avenue has opened up for us. That by you sharing this past, life altering event, means that you might be able to share other things as they happen. It feels like a wall has just crumbled between us and all I want to do is be with you."

"You can handle my hours, my moods? What about the girls? It's not fair to them if I come home after a rough shift ready to explode."

"Then come here," she said waving her arms around the room. "I know your father would never have a problem supporting you and our relationship. "The girls love you so much and miss you on the days when they're not with you. Last night Kara kept saying she wanted to call you and tell you to watch one of her favorite shows so that you'd be watching together. It won't be easy, but I want to try if you do. I think we can do it. I think we can make it work."

"This seems so sudden." Kyle stated, uncertain.

"I've been thinking about it for a very long time. Since the last time we broke up actually. I miss being with you. And I kept telling myself it was better this way, that losing you would be so hard if you were in our daily lives, but I have discovered that I won't grieve any more or differently than I would now. Your loss would be so profound that it would devastate me no matter where you laid your head every night. I've been going over how I wanted to bring it up for weeks."

"You act like my demise is guaranteed. I'm careful and I'm good at my job. I hope to retire from it one day." He said thinking back to when he was a child and convinced that there would most certainly be a day that Matt didn't come home.

Madison touched his arm where the scar reminded them all of the difference between skill and luck. "Don't you ever forget to wear your vest."

"I never forget." He said quietly.

"I'm feeling a little vulnerable here. You poured your heart out and I spoke of reconciliation and—well you haven't seemed all that excited about my offer. Look, I know this is a little out of left field and unexpected and I know about all of your little girlfriends."

"No," Kyle stated causing Madison to jump. She felt as if her insides had shriveled up and wilt as the word echoed in her head.

"No?" She asked, her lip threatening to tremble. "I guess I was just hoping—"

"No. They weren't girlfriends, they were one night stands or maybe two or three night stands. But what I'm saying is that they were meaningless. Am I excited? Yes I am, it's the invitation that I've been dreaming about, but never thought was possible. I'm just wrapping me head around the fact that it is real and not just in my head."

"It's real. Very real."

"You're going to have to understand that things won't always work out the way you want them to. That my work hours are long and erratic, that I won't always want to talk about why I'm angry or unable to be present. You'll have to take on things that I had promised to do but couldn't. You'll have to deal with so many things that just aren't fair."

"As long as you come home to me and the girls, we'll suck it up and deal with everything the best we can. Not that we won't complain and lay an occasional guilt trip on you now and again, but we'll try and we'll be together, be a family."

"A family. I like that the sounds of that."

"Knowing this secret makes so many other things fall into place. I think what happened to you makes you a better cop."

"I think so too." Kyle sighed frustrated that Camden was right about so much.

"You can identify with the victims in a way most can't. But I'm still sorry it happened to you. I know you'll still keep things from me because you feel you need to protect me and I can understand that, but know that I can handle a lot more than you think."

"I'm sure you can," Kyle agreed. For a moment he dared to think of telling her about the day when Camden had been pushing Mackenzie on the swing at the park in order to get a response from Kyle.

But for now he had his family back and he would do everything he could to make it work. He realized as he and Madison embraced that there were always going to be things that he would have to protect his family from, because in his life, there would always be secrets to keep.


	46. Bonus Chap-Love, Patience and Discipline

Time with girls, Matt and Kelly

 **Love, Patience and Discipline**

Kyle finished shaping the turret on the sand castle he and Kara had just built. She was now ankle deep in the lake as the small waves fluttered around her legs. She was peering down trying to find some good rocks in which to adorn their creation. She tucked her light brown, sun drenched hair behind her ear and crouched down and picked a couple stones up. "I think these could be good." She said bringing them to Kyle.

"I think you're right." He agreed. "Where do you want to put them?"

"Hmmm. Here and here," she answered placing them strategically.

Kyle watched her work and sighed as he realized his baby was now eleven years old. Mackenzie was thirteen and treated being a teenager like a job. Her stubborn and domineering personality was shining each and every day and it was a fight to keep her energy channeled in the right direction. But Kara was his little princess; sweet and gentle. She still looked at him as if he could do no wrong and he supposed that he often looked at her in the same way, which of course sent Mackenzie even deeper into her teenage tantrums.

He looked out over the water and saw his father and Kelly bobbing around in the small boat, smoking cigars and fishing, poles hanging lazily over the side. But out of respect to Kyle and the girls and their vegan diet, they released everything they caught even though Mackenzie had told them in no uncertain terms that having a hook in its mouth was no treat for the fish. This weekend had been organized by Kelly who knew the owner of a two bedroom hunting cabin on a lake in the woods of Wisconsin, all privately owned. Madison had headed off to Denver for a seminar on advanced care for something or other, Kyle could never keep all the medical terminology straight. So, with summer dwindling away Kelly was able to cash in a favor and with cabin set up perfectly for them with a bunk bed and twin bed in one bedroom for all of the guys and two twin beds in the second bedroom for the girls. There was also a full kitchen, private dock with a boat and small sandy beach with access to the lake. But as Mackenzie reminded them at least once an hour, no WIFI or TV.

"Where's your sister?" Kyle asked his youngest daughter.

Kara shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe watching a movie," she said speaking of the several that had been downloaded for the trip. "Oh, there she is," Kara said pointing up towards the small dwelling they were staying in.

Kyle turned as his eldest daughter appeared behind him. "Oh no, no, no," Kyle exclaimed as he looked at her.

"What? You said put on my bathing suit."

"There is no way your mother let you have a bikini."

"It's a friends. She let me borrow it."

"Well, you can just go put on your one piece suit that we bought for you earlier this year."

"I didn't bring it." She replied coolly.

"Well then I guess you'll be wearing your shorts and t-shirt to swim in."

"I don't even want to swim or be here. This place sucks. I want to go home."

"Two more days and we will. Why don't you change and we can go on a boat ride with Grandpa and Kelly."

"The boat smells like fish."

"Then you can sit and play in the sand with us."

"Playing in the dirt is stupid."

"Well then I don't know what to tell you."

"You can tell me we're going home."

"In two—"

"Days. I know. I hate this place, I hate that I can't wear something that all my friends can wear and I hate all of your rules." She said stamping her foot.

"Remember we try and not use the word hate," Kyle reminded.

"So stupid. I hate that rule and I hate you!"

"Hey! That's enough. You can just stay in the cabin until dinner time."

"Fine! Movies are better than this anyway."

"Oh, I'll be taking that laptop from you," Kyle said making her mood even more volcanic, causing her to just shriek as she spun around and stomped off.

Kara looked over at him and smiled. She drew a heart in the sand and sat down next to him. They sat quietly for several minutes before Kyle decided to check on Mac and retrieve the laptop. "No going in the water until I come back," he instructed.

"I won't. Will you swim with me when you come back?"

"You bet I will." He promised. He knew that Mackenzie was growing up and becoming more independent by the day, but her mercurial tendencies, though not abnormal, was exhausting. She had plenty of good traits, but lately it seemed as if those had taken a back burner to her rage about how the world worked and how unfair it was, most specifically to her.

He marched up the small hill to the cabin just in time to see a figure disappear into the woods. As far as he knew nobody else was in the area and the shape and size looked very much like someone he knew and coincidentally enough had just been sent to her room.

Both the girls had been told to stay out of the woods as it was too easy to get lost in the unfamiliar territory. Besides they were city kids and not used to so many trees that had gathered in one place. He jogged and found her trudging up the path ahead of him. He was relieved to see that she had at least put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He had seen on many occasions how some of her friends dressed and it was beyond alarming. That along with their flirtatious behavior was going to get them into trouble. Which he tried to explain to Mackenzie but just like him at that age, she knew everything, and under the illusion that trouble would never find her or her friends.

"Hey! Turn around right now," Kyle finally yelled out.

"You said I should I enjoy nature, so here I am enjoying nature."

"You know you aren't supposed to go in the woods alone."

"I can't do anything!" She said as she stomped her way past her father and headed back to the cabin.

Kyle took a breath and then another in an effort to calm down. He had been a challenge to raise, but he rarely had back-talked Matt like his daughter did him. Part of it was just the times, kids were so often left to navigate life on their own and their attitudes were rarely challenged these days and that is what kept him so busy at work. Not to say there weren't respectful and good kids out in the world, it was just more challenging to find them in this self-centered universe. Kyle had been careful to choose his battles, but lately everything seemed to be a battle with her.

"Can I sit on the deck by myself?" Mackenzie asked.

"Fine," Kyle replied as he went inside the cabin and collected the laptop and put it on his bed. He then went to the bathroom, rinsed his face with water and grabbed a beer, drinking it quickly. With his impromptu break over he walked outside to find Mackenzie standing next to Kara who was sobbing.

"What's wrong?" He asked trying to keep his voice even, a product of his police training.

"Mackenzie said that you're going to die because you've been shot twice and you're luck is running out."

"What?" Kyle asked turning towards his eldest daughter. "What did you do?"

"Told her the truth. That the scar on your arm isn't from an accident and neither are the scars on your head."

"She said the line on your arm is because some bad guy was trying to kill you and that when you were my age a man shot you in the head." Kara said in between sobs. "She said that your mom was murdered and grandpa and Kelly almost died in a fire when you were a kid."

"What the hell Mackenzie?" Kyle asked as he walked towards her, his composure all but gone.

She had never been afraid of her father, but seeing the rage in his eyes right then, did scare her more than she would ever care to admit. "I didn't make it up. It says it all right here," she said showing a printout from an online newspaper article.

Kyle knew just what article she had found. Several months earlier he had been involved in a shooting where the offender had taken a woman hostage and threatened several others in his attempt to flee. Kyle had been first on the scene which ended up with the perpetrator dead and a very grateful, yet frantic woman left behind in a pool of his blood.

That incident had caused several reporters to take a renewed interest in the CPD and more specifically Kyle. She had dug up his entire past and put it in print. She had asked for his input but he declined her offer and hoped it would stay buried. But clearly it had not.

"How did you find that?" He asked through clenched teeth.

"The internet Dad! Ever hear of Google?" She said with way too much attitude.

Matt and Kelly who had noticed Kara's emotional turmoil had immediately headed towards shore and were getting ready to dock.

"We are going to have a very long talk, in which you will listen to every word I tell you," Kyle said. "You thought your weekend sucked before, well, you ain't seen nothing yet."

"No Daddy," Kara said running over and hanging onto him. "Stay with me."

"What's going on?" Matt asked as he walked up the dock as Kelly secured the boat.

"Mackenzie decided to share that article with her sister and then stated I was going to die soon, since my luck must be about to run out. Can you take her to the cabin and stay with her while I talk to Kara for a few minutes?"

"Of course," he replied as Kelly looked over and nodded, heading up towards the cabin. Matt grabbed his granddaughter's arm and sternly steered her towards the house. Kyle was happy to see he hadn't lost his gentle, yet firm demeanor.

"Come here sweetie," Kyle said reaching out to his youngest who sprinted towards him at an amazing speed. "Your sister is mad at me and I'm sorry that she put you in the middle of our argument." He said holding her an embrace before moving over to the dock where he sat down and pulled Kara into his lap.

"But is what she said true?" Kara hiccuped in between sobs.

"My mother was a doctor who had found out that people were selling illegal pills in the clinic where she donated her time. Yes, she was killed. It was very tragic. I wasn't even aware of the details surrounding her death until I was much older."

"I'm sorry she died."

"Me too."

"And this?" She asked, tracing the linear scar that adorned his arm.

"It's true, I was shot. You weren't even born yet, that's how long ago it was. A bad guy I was chasing turned around and fired at me, but I was wearing my vest and he really couldn't have hurt he very much. In the end, he went to jail for a very long time."

"That vest doesn't protect your head. Did you have a vest when you were shot in the head? Why did that happen?"

"I was just a kid when it happened and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time." He explained, having no desire to tell her all of the details about infiltrating a white supremacist group. He had been ever so grateful that the scarring on his rib cage and side had pretty much faded into nonexistence. Only someone looking very hard could find the fine lines that decorated his skin.

"How come you didn't tell me when I asked you about the bumps before?" She asked speaking of when she was very young and was playing "salon" and while "styling" Kyle's hair asked why he had bumps on his head which of course were scars from where Brock had altered the course of his life.

"Because you were too young and because it really wasn't any of your business. It happened a very long time ago and is something I'd rather not talk about."

"Oh. Okay," she answered quietly. "Are you scared it might happen again?"

"Nope. I mean how many times can someone get shot in the head? The odds are with me that it will never happen again."

"That's not what Mackenzie said."

"Well Mackenzie doesn't know anything about it does she?"

"Just what she read."

"Which isn't always worth much."

"What about the fire with Grandpa and Kelly."

"It was a big factory fire and they were trapped but they managed to get out and the next shift they were ready to go. They were firefighters, it's what they did.

"When I was young I was so afraid that they would die in a fire, but now they are both retired and had great careers. Someone once reminded me that most firefighter's retire as opposed to dying on the job. And that's exactly what happened." He explained.

"Police officer's too?"

"Police officer's too." Kyle confirmed. "I'm going to talk to your sister and Grandpa and Uncle Kelly are going to come out here and play with you. Okay?"

Kara nodded. "Dad, did you become a cop because that man shot you when you were a kid?"

"Something like that."

"Her friend's dad died a couple of weeks ago. I think it made her sad," Kara added, making Kyle stop in his effort to set Kara aside and stand up.

"Which friend?"

"Brecklyn, I think. It was sudden, I mean he wasn't sick or anything."

Kyle nodded, possibly understanding the cause of her rebellion and obnoxious behavior. "I love you so much, you know that right?"

Kara nodded. "Please don't get shot Daddy. Don't let the bad guys get you."

He slid Kara off his lap and stood up only to squat back down to her level. "I will do my best to make sure no bad guys get me. Or get anybody else."

"Cause that's your job," she sang out.

"Yes. Because that's my job. Wait here until the adults come down."

"Okay." She said watching Kyle trudge up towards the cabin, his shoulders hunched, his walk tired.

He took a moment before he opened the door, trying to decide the best way to tackle this issue. He was glad Kara had mentioned what had happened to Mackenzie's friend, as it helped put a possible perspective

on things. But, at the same time, it didn't excuse her behavior. He had no game plan, he was just going to have to punt and see what happened. It made him wonder how often his dad had come at him with a plan or if he just winged it hoping they would both land on their feet at the end.

He pushed open the door and walked inside to see Mackenzie sitting, arms folded on the couch, trying to look angry but the flicker of fear and contrition were apparent as well. "Thank you for keeping an eye on her. I'll take it from here, Kara is waiting to go swimming."

"Sounds good to me," Kelly said as he gave Kyle a sympathetic look.

Matt nodded at his son and then back at his granddaughter and shook his head before departing.

Kyle walked over and grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and set it down in front of his daughter and took a seat. "Look at me," he demanded as he leaned forward.. At first Mackenzie refused, but finally found her way to her father's face. "What you did was reprehensible."

"What does that even mean?" She asked, looking away.

"It means it was cruel, hateful and vicious. If you're mad at me, then you talk to me, you DO NOT involve your sister."

"Of course not. Wouldn't want to hurt Daddy's little princess."

"You shouldn't want to hurt anyone. Just because you don't get what you want, doesn't give you the right to act out and become a monster. Life is full of disappointments, so get used to it."

"Oh, I am used to it," she spat back.

"Are you now? What is so awful about your life? Please tell me?" But Mackenzie remained quiet. "Is it that too many people love you and are involved in your life? Is it because your bedroom is too small, our cars aren't fancy enough, that your mom and dad aren't lawyers and doctors? Is it because you don't get enough name brand clothing or go on vacation to an island that nobody can pronounce? Huh? I get it, I do. You go to an elite private school with kids who come from wealth. I went through the same thing, but in the end, I could have never been more proud of what my father chose to do.

"If the prestige and money are important to you, then get your act together, get good grades and become a doctor, a lawyer, a hedge fund manager."

Mackenzie stayed quiet for a minute. "Your mother was a doctor and she was murdered."

Kyle sighed. "Yes she was. Wrong place, wrong time. And I didn't know she was murdered for years, because Grandpa tried to protect me. And yes, I was angry when I found out about it, but now I understand his motive. Kids don't know how to handle everything and don't need to know details of things that don't directly affect them."

"So you can just get shot in the head and it's none of our business?" 

"I was a kid when it happened. And no, it's not any of your business. Are you going to tell your kids about every detail of your childhood?"

"Maybe."

Kyle shook his head. "You were a toddler when I was hurt on the job." He continued.

"Hurt. You were shot."

"It was a flesh wound. The bullet grazed me. It didn't directly affect you. A few stitches and I was fine. It's meaningless."

"It's not meaningless. We've asked what happened to your arm and you never told us. Not ever!"

"You didn't need to know. I didn't want you to be worried."

"So we should be worried?"

"No. Worrying won't help anything. I am good at my job. I train for every situation and I carry pictures of you, your mother and sister with me in my car to remind me of what I have waiting for me at home. Plus it's not like I'm in front of a firing line every day. Much of my time is spent on the phone or in the car tracking down information."

"You are still at more risk than most and you were shot in the head once. Your vest doesn't protect your head."

Kyle leaned forward and took Mackenzie's hand and ran it over the scar on the side of his head. "The bullet grazed my skull. And back here," he said as he pulled her hand around to the back of his head, "is where I fell and hit my head on a brick. Despite what you told Kara, I think the odds are with me that I won't get shot again."

He dropped her hand and sighed. "I know life can be hard and scary but why don't you spend it being happy and trying to be a good person."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No. You're behavior today is never to happen again," he stated. "Am I clear?" Mackenzie shrugged. Her reaction infuriated Kyle. He stood up, knocking the chair over as he did causing her to flinch. "Still want to play games? Still want to act tough? Well then game on." He reached down and grabbed her by the arm, not yanking but with a firm grasp and stood her up.

Kyle had only spanked her once, several years ago when she had thrown a book at Madison who had told her she had to do her homework before watching TV. He had stepped in, accomplished the task and was done before the little girl even knew what had happened. He had a certain look in his eyes when he had walked over to her, she had seen it only once, but she was seeing it again. "What are you doing?" She asked, fearing the answer.

"We're going to walk and then walk some more until you can understand how your actions and conduct affect other people. We're going to walk until you understand why your recent behavior is going to stop. We'll walk and talk until you can figure out better ways to deal with whatever your issues are. We can also talk about how much that you will lose, whether it be material objects or privileges. You may be younger, but I have a hell of a lot more stamina and this will be resolved. I can promise you that."

Mackenzie wasn't sure if she preferred this to what she had originally feared her father was going to do to her. They headed out the door and down the path. The woods were private with no marked trails, but there were clear cut paths that wound their way in and out of the trees. Kyle had also downloaded an app that tracked their travel and would lead him back to where they started.

"Won't we get lost? You're a city kid too." Mackenzie said with concern when they entered the treeline.

"I've got it covered. So tell me what caused you to google me?"

"Tinley at school said that she saw a cop on the news that had been in a shootout and probably prevented more problems. She thought it looked like you." Kyle vaguely remembered a news camera being in the area when he was leaving the scene. "She has a big crush on you. All of my friends have a crush on you. Their dads are older and out of shape. They think you're young and hot."

Kyle wasn't sure how to respond to that. He had had a few female friends when he was growing up that had eyes for Matt and he recalled thinking it was gross. "Sorry if that's a problem. I can make ugly faces." He offered.

"It's not—it's just that I don't know if they like me for me or because they might be able to come to our house and see you."

"Tell them I work long hours and am never at home."

"So tell them the truth?"

"Ouch. I try and limit my hours."

"I know, but work follows you home. Besides they're shallow. They talk about boys—which is fine." Kyle looked back at her his eyes widening. "We just _talk_ about them or at least I do. They talk about all their expensive clothes, half of which they don't even wear. They talk about their vacations and vacation homes, nannies and other rich stuff. I just feel left out."

"Well they clearly know what I do for a living and know you're aren't rich yet they include you. That must mean something." She shrugged as they trekked on. "Are you feeling a little insecure?"

"No—maybe. It's just that you spend all this time with Kara and I feel like—well, left out."

Kyle inhaled and slowed down his pace so Mackenzie could catch up to him. He looked down at her. "So you act out towards her because you're jealous?"

"I don't know, I guess."

"Well, stop and think about a few things. Do we tell you that you can't hang out with us? Play games with us? Watch TV with us? Go out with us? Swim with us?" Mackenzie just looked puzzled. "Mac, we aren't excluding you, you have left us behind. Just look at today; Grandpa and Kelly invited you to go on the boat with them, but you said no. I asked both of you to come down to the lake with me to play in the sand and swim—you said no. Last week, I asked you to join us to walk down to that shop that sells nondairy ice cream, you said no."

"I didn't want to walk."

Kyle sighed. "I asked you both to play Clue with Mom and me and you said..."

"No. I get it Dad. It's not you it's me."

"I would never exclude you. I love spending time with you. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I will be coming home to see you and your mom and sister."

"How did you survive when you and Mom weren't together?"

"Is was hard. Very hard. But I just wasn't ready to balance everything yet. I had a lot to learn about being a good husband and father."

"You were always a good father."

"Thank you for saying that."

"I'm tired. Can we stop for a few minutes?"

Kyle looked at his phone and saw that they had walked nearly two miles at a pretty good pace. He noticed they weren't far from the lake so they made their way to the shoreline and sat down. It reminded him of so many years ago after he had spent a night out alone in the city and Matt had a heart to heart talk with him on the shore of Lake Michigan.

They sat in silence for several minutes before Mackenzie broke it. "Brecklyn's dad died."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Is she the one that wears the pony tail all the time?" Trying to keep up with her friends and all of their interesting names wasn't easy.

"Yeah. I think he had a heart attack or something."

"That's rough. How is she doing?"

"Not good. I texted her the other day and I know she's grieving and everything, but still..."

"Still what?"

"I said I was sorry about her dad and all, and she said he worked in an office. I didn't get what she meant so I sent back a question mark and she said that my dad was the one who took the risks and should have died."

"But he died of a heart attack?" Kyle said.

Mackenzie shrugged. "She was just upset I guess. He was kinda big—probably too much bacon."

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about that with me."

"I know right," she chuckled. "But when she said you took all the risks and on top of what Tinley said, I looked you up. Daddy, I go to bed every night scared that you're going to die." She said, her eyes glistening.

"Sweetie, I'm sorry you feel that way. Believe it or not I understand."

"You do?"

"Yes I do. Remember my dad was firefighter. I had the same concerns. I worried every shift that he wouldn't come home."

"There was an old picture of you in that article. You were a little kid and a firefighter was holding you back in front of burning building. It said that your dad was trapped in there."

"He was. Kelly too. They were both trapped."

"How did they get out?"

"Chief Boden, the man holding me, took a chance and it worked. You've met him a few times."

"Oh. I might remember. Did you help his son once?"

"I did. Chief saved us many times. It was the least I could do. So is some of this behavior due to your fear that I won't come home?"

"Maybe."

"Like mother like daughter," Kyle mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." Kyle replied. But he thought back to when Madison had pushed him away unable to handle the possibility of losing him. "There are no guarantees in life. Look at Brecklyn's dad, he had a safe job but had a poor diet. My job has some risks but I take great care of myself. In the end it all balances out.

"And since I still alive and kicking, maybe it would help if you spent some time with me."

"Can we do stuff just the two of us sometimes?" She asked.

"Absolutely!" Kyle said smiling.

"If you hated Grandpa being a firefighter, why did you become a cop and why didn't he change jobs if you were so scared?"

"He always told me being a firefighter was just a part of who he was and he couldn't leave it. I got mad at him, not understanding how true it is."

"Is it like that with you being a detective?"

"It is. It's hard to explain and even harder to accept for the ones you love. But it is true. I'm a husband, a father and a cop. I don't know anything different and I don't want anything different. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess so. Can we go back to the cabin now? A little bit slower this time?"

"Of course," Kyle said smiling as he reached out and tucked some stray hair behind her ear.

As they turned and headed back they saw a deer just beyond a nearby tree. "Look," Kyle whispered.

"He's so pretty," she said of the young buck.

"Yes he is. I bet he lives nearby. Let's just stand and watch him for a minute,"

"Our first activity together," she said smiling.

The remainder of the day was much calmer and after their brisk walk in the heat Mackenzie fell asleep at 9:00. And after a long day of swimming, Kara fell asleep at 9:15. Once they were in bed Kyle grabbed a beer and walked out to the end of the dock and sat down. He looked out over the blackness of the water and began to swear in the humid air that stuck to him. The activities of the day had exhausted him both mentally and physically. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing as this was the anniversary of a day he had wanted forget. Each year it came around and each year it reached into his very soul and reminded him just how vulnerable and mortal he was.

He took a big gulp of beer and set his bottle down next to him. He inhaled deeply and realized that this year he didn't have to block the sob that was coming, the sob he had always had to stop for fear of being heard or seen. His shoulders shuddered with his effort to stay quiet and as he suffered alone, when he suddenly felt an arm around his shoulders and was pulled into his fathers chest.

"It's okay son, you don't have to hold it in. You are strong for everyone, including yourself, but now is the time to let it go." Matt said.

And Kyle did. He let it all out, tear by tear, sob by sob. All of the emotion he had held onto for as long as he could remember. It had been twenty-three years since that night that had taken so much from him, but it felt like last night. The feeling of helplessness, weakness, the loss of innocence and the loss of his very self.

"Kelly wasn't sure if being here would be better or worse for you," Matt said as Kyle's emotions finally began to ebb.

"It was perfect. I was able to forget during part of the day. And with Madison not here and the girls asleep along with the calm night, it was the perfect recipe for me to let go. I have needed this for years, but as the anniversary would inevitably arrive I never seemed to be in a position to do what I needed—what I just did. Thank you for being here."

"I wasn't there when you needed me, but I'm here now."

"Don't put it on yourself. It was fate—what happened to be seemed to be fate. I survived being shot, and if this attack hadn't happened God only knows what I might have gotten into. I had felt invincible. I learned a valuable lesson that day—and I carry it still."

"I just wish it didn't happen and that you had to carry it all alone."

"I know. Me too. But it happened and I survived. I understand the world better than I did before and better than so many others. Pain causes a reaction, a change and in the long run, perhaps it made me a better person."

"You have an amazing way at looking at things."

"It's either that or I succumb to the monsters and evil of the world and I simply can't afford for that to happen.

"There was one thing that happened that night, that I never told you."

"What is it?" Matt asked gently.

"When he was done, he continued to hold me tightly. He actually stroked my hair and it was gentle, almost tender. I think he even fell asleep briefly. When I tried to pull away he pulled me back and told me that he wanted me for just a little bit longer."

"Wow," Matt sighed. "All I can imagine is that I was so far away while this was happening and I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't help you."

"You have done so much to protect me, but this time it just wasn't possible. It's not on you." Kyle stayed quiet as he thought about the day that Camden killed himself. What would Kyle have done to continue their relationship and the benefits he received from it. Had he been prepared to give up to protect what he loved at all costs. Thankfully that question never had to be answered and it would always remain a mystery. But it always made him wonder if he would have been capable of doing what may have been required.

They both turned as they heard a noise to see Kelly heading their way.

"Are the girls okay?" Kyle asked.

"Both sleeping soundly," he assured, handing Kyle another beer.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"No, just trying to get you to relax."

"I'm so grateful to both of you and your support. I don't know where I would be without your love, patience and discipline."

"You did a great job with Mackenzie today," Kelly said.

"I agree," Matt concurred.

"Only because I learned from the best. That mix of patience and fury taught me to how to handle an obnoxious teenage girl. At least I think it did. She may beat me yet."

"My money is on you," Kelly said as he and Kyle clinked their beers together.

The next morning Kyle got up to find Kara eating cereal at the small kitchen table. "Where's your sister?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Outside maybe."

Kyle made his way outside, flinging the door open, upset that she had gone outside without permission. After their walk yesterday she had been told she could only leave the cabin with permission. It had only been less than twenty-four hours and she had already totally disregarded what she had been told. And here he thought he had accomplished something with their talk yesterday.

He looked around and circled the cabin and looked inside the SUV they had rented for the journey but found the entire area void of his daughter. He slammed the trucks door and stomped back towards the cabin to find Matt on the front step. "What's wrong?"

"Mackenzie took off."

"You have to be kidding me!"

"Nope. She's not around here, I looked all around."

"What's going on?" Kelly asked as he came outside.

"Mackenzie is missing," Matt stated.

Kelly shook his head and sighed. "And I thought you were a pain in the ass," he mumbled.

"Each generation is an improvement of the previous one. Kelly will you go across the road and look over that way? Dad will you take Kara and go west? I'm going to retrace our walk from yesterday. We'll meet back here in an hour. If you find her text the other two, hopefully we'll all pass into an area that has a signal."

"Sounds good. Kara let's go," Matt yelled into the cabin.

While Matt waited for Kara, Kelly and Kyle took off at a jog in their respective directions. Kyle was infuriated by his daughter's action and wasn't sure what his reaction would be when he did find her. He sure as hell knew she was going to be seeing the inside of her room a lot these last few weeks of summer. Beyond that he would just have to wait and see what her attitude was.

He was so wrapped in thought he almost didn't hear the quiet whimper and rustling of leaves and branches. He looked down a small hill that led towards the lake and saw a flash of red. "Mackenzie?" He yelled out.

"Daddy? Daddy I'm down here. I twisted my ankle." She cried out.

"Stay there, I'm coming." He jumped and slid his way down trying to avoid the trees. It didn't take him long to reach his daughter, who sported scratches on her face and arms and legs. Her white t-shirt was dirty but thankfully the red shorts showed up well in the brush and had been what caught Kyle's eye.

"I slipped and my ankle bent funny then I fell down here. I was afraid to put any weight on it."

"What were you doing out here?" Kyle asked as he brushed her hair off her face.

"I saw that deer from yesterday. I was outside, by the front door. I wasn't going to go anywhere, just wanted to be outside for minute. I saw him over by the path and slowly walked over to him and he looked right at me and then walked into the woods. I thought maybe there was more in the woods. I didn't go far, but then I fell."

Kyle had only jogged for a minute or two so he knew she hadn't gone too far. "You weren't supposed to be outside without permission."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just wanted a minute before everyone woke up."

"Let's get you back to the cabin so I can look at your ankle." He said squatting down and getting his arms around her. He stood up and barely avoided a low hanging branch. "Hang on tight. I'm going to have to get up this hill."

"I will Daddy," she said holding tightly to his neck.

Kyle slipped and slid but through sheer determination he made it up the hill with Mackenzie still tucked tightly to him. He cradled her and walked briskly back to the cabin and went inside and set her on the couch. He then texted Kelly and Matt to tell them he had found her, hoping that they were able to receive the message. He then got some ice from the freezer and put it in a plastic bag and went back to the couch.

"Let me see," he said as he sat down and Mackenzie gingerly put her foot in his lap. He slid her shoe off and pulled the sock down and took a look. "It doesn't look too bad, no bruising or broken skin. Can you put some pressure against my hand," he said putting the bottom of her foot against his palm. He felt some effort. "Let's put the ice on it and put it up on a pillow and I bet it will be fine by the end of the day."

"Okay. Daddy, I'm sorry I left. I didn't mean to leave. I just wanted to see the deer."

Kyle sat there and realized she hadn't called him Daddy in at least a year or more and now he had heard it several times in the last fifteen minutes. "Let's just relax for today. We'll talk about this tomorrow. But you had us terrified."

"I know. I guess I'm grounded."

"You guessed right. I'm going go out and see if I can find Grandpa and Kelly before they wander too far off."

He left Mac on the couch and decided to try and find Matt and Kara first, but before he could move Kelly appeared, so Kyle brought him up to speed and asked if he'd keep an eye on her. He watched Kelly enter the house and could hear him say something to his daughter, but couldn't make out the words. He knew his godfather would hand her a nice lecture just as he used to give Kyle. He smiled at the memories as he jogged down the westward path.

It only took about five minutes to find his father and daughter who were heading back towards the cabin after getting the text. "Is she okay?" Matt asked.

"I think so. Kelly was going to check her ankle, but from what I can tell it is a very minor injury." Kyle went on to explain the details as they finished making their way back.

"Can I go finish my breakfast?" Kara asked as they got close to the cabin.

"Of course you can," Kyle said as she turned and scampered up the path and into the house.

"I hope she stays this sweet," Matt said watching her go.

"Me too. I don't think I'll have the energy for much more after Mackenzie is through with me."

"You said she wasn't far from the cabin, not far from the path and said her ankle bent funny but doesn't look too bad. And you carried her all the way back to the cabin and she call you daddy instead of dad."

"Yeah. What do you think it all means?" Kyle asked.

"Well, it makes me think of a little boy, a lot of years ago, who went missing overnight in Chicago, because he was upset with his father and concerned for his safety."

"Hmmm. Do you think she staged this? You think she is scared of losing me?"

"Absolutely. Listen to what she told you yesterday. She found out so much about your history, a somewhat scary one. You're mother was murdered. I was trapped in a fire. Her friends father died. It frightened her. She feels vulnerable. You've been shot, not once but twice, once on the job. You were at a shootout, one that she knows about. She's not stupid, she knows there have been others. She just needed her daddy to make her feel safe."

"And by pulling her out of the ditch, that made her feel safe?"

"It reminded her that you are still there for her. If I remember correctly when things were going badly in our little family you would act out."

Kyle sighed. "Just like taking off all night or calling you an asshole," he chuckled.

"Yeah, just like that. You needed to know that even when things got rough I would be there."

"And nothing gets you noticed faster than breaking the rules."

"Exactly. She just needs some reassurance. And she needs it from you. I could also use some reassurance that you are careful each and every minute, each and every day."

"Of course I am, just like you were. I remember thinking about you and all the calls and danger I didn't even know about. So I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine."

"No. To lose a child is the worlds worst fate."

"You won't lose me. Far more police officers retire than die on the job."

"Just like firefighter's," Matt replied.

"Just like firefighter's," Kyle concurred. "I can just see me in twenty years, standing where you're standing trying to explain to Mackenzie why her kids are worried about her being a fighter pilot."

"What's that quote about the next generation?" Matt asked.

"I can't remember specifically, but something like, each generation must go further than the last or what's the point in it?"

"Well I think the Casey's have done well in that regard."

"Because the foundation started with you. But we do have to survive several more years of Mackenzie and her um, strong will."

"I survived you. We'll survive her. And besides look how good you turned out."

"Can't argue with you there." Kyle stated.

"No you certainly can't." Matt agreed with a smile.


	47. Bonus Chapter-Secrets and Scars

The first of three bonus chapters. They go back to when Kyle was thirteen and just after the summer of the Michael Camden assault. Despite his successful efforts to keep it a secret, it still took a toll on him and those that loved him.

I also changed the format to first person, feeling that I can get more of the inner-emotions of the characters to the reader. I indicate which character's perspective at the top of the section.

 **Secrets and Scars**

 **Kyle**

I was exhausted, yet restless. I had had that dream again, the one where the man standing next to me was speaking in some foreign language that I didn't understand. He kept talking to me as if I should be able to recognize the words he spoke. I always looked around for help, but those nearby didn't seem to understand the problem or perhaps they didn't care that there was one. That kind of summed up my world at the moment, and it was damn lonely.

I felt like my world was made of a thin layer of ice and anytime I put my foot on it, it cracked. Dad had been in one of his angry moods lately and I wasn't sure if it was because of me or if something had happened at work. It had been a rough ride for us all as of late and that's what was used to explain away my attitude and actions, maybe it was that simple for him as well. Or then again, maybe, his attitude was tied up in secrets and lies just as mine was.

The divorce from Gabby was still fresh, my involvement with Chicago PD had turned everything upside down, then my dad's involvement with the trailer fires and the subsequent arson fire at our apartment, displacing us and without all of our stuff. Dad kept reminding me that it was just stuff and we could always buy more. But Danny wasn't just stuff, and now instead of a five minute walk, we were miles apart. True, we both led busy lives and didn't see each other all that much, but knowing we could meet up in just a few minutes if necessary was a salve that often protected us both from long and bad days.

Don't get me wrong, I liked living with Kelly, but he had been dealing with his own demons. Benny's death had hit him hard, perhaps harder than if they had been close, because now, there was never a chance that they would be. We stayed with him, not only because he needed us, but because we needed him just as much.

Michael Camden had been sentenced to twenty years in prison, having to serve at least fifteen of them. The trial took no time to complete, the city had all kinds of evidence against him. Evidence that I helped to collect. But the city didn't have the complete truth. Nobody did. Only he and I knew the depth of his sins and my heartache. He was led out of the court house with a smile and a promise that he would back. And of that, I had no doubt.

Every day, all day, I pushed what he did down as far as it would go. But it was like trying to keep a cork underwater. The memories popped back up and bobbed around, uncontrollable and just out of reach. I would attempt to suppress them, but they would just jounce off in another direction.

What did it matter now anyway. He was going to serve at least fifteen years and me coming forward with accusations would do little to change that. Sure there was a possibility of adding time to his sentence. But it wouldn't nearly be worth the possible repercussions. Yet I couldn't shake off the thoughts of what had happened in that crappy apartment when my name was Noah, and we pretended that Jay Halstead was my drug addicted father . But what had happened to me on that mattress in that small room with its dirty walls and peeling paint wasn't the least bit pretend. And I couldn't tell anyone about it—ever. I could still hear Camden's voice, feel the heat from his mouth as the threatening words, slithered down my body taking root as a promise. He had held me tightly, showing me that he owned me and my world. I had told myself this act would not define me, but who the hell was I kidding, because it most certainly had.

Even if I had wanted to tell and attempt to bring charges, the evidence was gone. Well, most of it. I'm sure there were scars, but I didn't wanted to be further violated. But by burying my scars, I had exposed so much more.

After the fire and subsequent move, Gretchen, who had been, my roommate whenever my father was on shift, had taken a job in Naperville. I said there was no reason to replace her since I was thirteen now and quite capable of spending my time after school and overnight on my own. I had always been good at getting up for school and feeding myself so in my naivete I thought I had all but won the logical argument. But Dad had disagreed immediately. And so I began my own version of shift life not long into eighth grade. After school, I went to 51 where I would spend my evenings and overnights. It wasn't like it was anything new. I had spent many, many nights in a squeaky bunk listening to an alarm go off that wasn't meant for me. I would like to think after all these years I had the ability to shake it off, roll over and go back to sleep. But I didn't. I would listen to the racing feet, the scraping of the beds as they were shoved ever so slightly at the rapid departure, the bay doors go up as the engines turned over and the sirens came alive. And then came the realization, that my father and my surrogate uncle as well as all the others were once again in grave danger as they were each time the call signal was answered. Sometimes exhaustion would claim me, and sometimes it would be just distant enough to leave me to tossing and turning, waiting until I heard the shuffling and scraping in reverse.

Honestly, despite being so very mad at my father, he would handle my afternoon indiscretion better than I deserved. He could have chosen to completely embarrass me, but he didn't, even with his recent moodiness. Maybe it was because he felt he was at fault for at least some of it. And I most certainly had felt he was. He had gone to work one day in decent mood, but suddenly he was quiet, yet quick to anger. Clearly something was bothering him that he had no intention of talking about. But then again, I was subscribing to a similar situation. And neither of was going to share our personal and secretive battle. There are so many things about the human race that simply make no sense.

Not many kids lived in the neighborhood. Actually none that I had ever seen. Kelly hadn't picked the neighborhood for its family friendly atmosphere as my dad had, for our now, lost apartment. Checking the local public school district, distance to parks and number of young families in the area. Kelly chose the apartment, because he liked—well—the apartment. Made sense. He didn't owe his choices to anyone but himself. I admired him for that and often wondered if my dad had wished that he had the same options, without having to think of me as part of the bargain.

We had been circling each other for a couple weeks. My dad caught up in this ominous disposition caused by who knows what. Kelly mourning his fathers death in his own way. And me, mourning life has I had known it and trying to figure out how to survive in the one that I had helped to create. Somehow, I always had thought that since my intentions had been nothing but altruistic I would always remain safe and land on my feet. But I hadn't and I didn't.

Since none of my school chums lived close enough to walk to and there also didn't seem to be any random children roaming about I was rather excited about the fact that friend of mine was going to be in the area while his mother, a real estate agent, showed a loft nearby. We were going to meet at a restaurant that held a few outdoor tables where planned to buy a drink and sit and act like the kids that we were. It was true that kids today, mostly kept to themselves outside of school unless it was an organized activity, but then it was organized and we had to follow certain guidelines as no time was to ever be wasted. I just wanted time away from school, from the firehouse, from the tragedy churning in my brain.

But when I told my dad what my plans were he gave an emphatic no. I wasn't sure if it was my recent sketchy behavior of backtalk and general snarkiness mixed with periods of unnatural quiet that had him in no mood to grant any of requests unless they involved taking out the garbage or washing his truck.

I looked at him disbelief. "Dad, come on. It's like a block away." Mind you it was two city blocks across some gnarly intersections. But hey, I was a city kid born and bred. I could cross the damn street on my own. And I knew the rules, no talking to strangers, no giving directions to people pulled to the curb in a random car, don't go into alleys or far from what you are familiar with. Of course last year when I was given some freedom I ended up falling into an undercover operation, but that really had been an accident, unlike the time I was ten and a half and spent an entire night wandering the city, giving my father a near heart attack. But that had been intentional and I still feel he had deserved it. "But why?" I bellowed still trying to understand the current denial.

"Because your behavior has been troubling lately and you don't know the neighborhood that well yet."

"I know how to walk a straight line and your behavior has been worse than mine." Since I was now thirteen, I found adding insults had suddenly become a necessity in nearly every argument. Dad and Kelly were not so fond of the new verbal steps I had included in my passage to the teenage years.

"My behavior?" Matt questioned.

"Yeah, your behavior. You're in one of those funks, like you had when Louie went to live with his dad. Or when you and Gabby broke up. Nobody can do anything right and they certainly can't ask you about it. Even though Kelly is still dealing with the grief from Benny dying, he isn't as cranky as you are."

Matt's face had the hardened edge it had carried for the last few weeks and this argument wasn't causing it to change. "My answer is no." I opened up my mouth to carry on, but was quickly shut down. "I said no Kyle James and that is what I mean."

The dreaded middle name. I was officially sunk. Besides, if I made a run for the door he'd catch me. I wanted to tell him that he sucked, but last time I made mention of that I had been grounded for the day and had to clean the kitchen. Dad's a neat freak, but Kelly isn't. It took my awhile to scrub the fridge and I hadn't been too happy about it. So I went to my room, that held a new bed and an old dresser that Dad had been given for me when he remodeled a bedroom for a client. It was solid wood and I was promised that we could strip it and stain it a color that I liked. But somehow that got lost in the chaos of our recent lives.

I texted my friend, Josh and told him I wouldn't be meeting him. He got right back with me, his reply reflecting his disappointment and told me he would still be out in front of the cafe in case I managed to get away.

The problem with apartments, was that they were hard to sneak out of. There was the front door, mere feet from my father, or the rusty fire escape. You would think with two firefighters living here, there would be a spectacular escape route, complete with a shiny descending ladder. Sure, this one was probably adequate, but one would have to update their tetanus shot after traveling its rungs. Besides, I would have to let the last part of the ladder down, leaving an easy pathway upwards for anyone looking to take a tour of an apartment on the upper floors.

I succumbed to defeat thinking about how broken I had become. I had no doubt Kelly and Dad had their suspicions that something I had experienced while undercover was creating this disturbance in the force, but after many attempts at conversation and mandatory sessions with Dr. Sawyer, who I am convinced will see me into my adult years, they have both given me the space to figure it out on my own. After all, they can't fix me, they don't have the tools, as they have no idea how damaged I am or how I got that way. And if I had anything to say about it, they never would. I shuddered as I thought of Camden's threat to kill them both if I had ever told them or anyone for that matter, what he had done to me. I believed him then, and I most certainly believed him now. It didn't matter that he was in prison, he had lots of plebes and pledges lined up to do his bidding.

I went over to a book on top of my dresser and pulled out the small card I had found in my locker earlier that week along with a burner phone that had one number programmed into it. It had told me to stay the strong young man that he knew I was and if I was found worthy of keeping our rendezvous a secret, then good things could come my way. I had no idea what the hell that meant. But clearly Camden was showing me just how in control of things he still was.

As I sat back down on my bed I heard my dad close the door to the bathroom. I heard him do bathroom things, toilet flushing, water running and before I knew it, I was standing in the outer hallway. I hadn't even made the conscious decision to leave the apartment, but somehow here I was. In for a penny, in for a pound as they say. We had discussed different expressions in school earlier this week. But I still couldn't recall what this one had meant, nor did I particularly care. I took off as I feared the way my luck was going, Kelly would be stepping out of the elevator any moment.

I popped outside, looking up and down the street before stepping onto the sidewalk. I started walking, trying to smile as if I looked the part, perhaps I would find some happiness if not some sort of satisfaction. But the air felt dry and heavy as things I still didn't understand swirled in my brain. I heard Camden whisper in my ear as clear as if was standing right behind me. It had been a cruel summer, he was gone, but still very much here.

Matt

I watched Kyle stomp off to his room. At least he didn't slam the door. The word no was out of my mouth before I was aware I had even opened it. I know that I had been moody lately, but so had he. But then again, I was the father and he was a kid. We had both been through so much these last few months, divorce, displacement, and whatever trauma that he had endured during his summer project with the CPD. He had opened up to Dr. Sawyer about some of it, but we both felt strongly that he was holding back. But then again, so was I.

That call where the gun was pointed right at my head, one bullet skimming my scalp, the next refusing to come out of the gun. How the hell could both Kyle and myself gotten so lucky to survive such near misses. His injuries came flooding back to me in that moment. Seeing his lifeless body on the gurney, Gabby telling me he had been shot in the head, his blood pressure bottoming out, no knowing if he was going to live and if he did, would he be the same boy that I had left earlier that day. Believing I couldn't bear to go on without my son.

I held my experience inside, because if I let it out, it would be too real. It wasn't dying that scared me, it was leaving my son an orphan that caused my terror. My sister would step up, but only because she felt she had to. Despite sharing the Casey bloodline, the two just didn't click. Not in a long term way. But then, neither did my sister and I. We had been ripped apart by choices our parents made years ago. The love was there, had always been there, but not much else had been.

I had Kelly listed as his guardian, but what if something happened to him? I knew beyond a doubt that those two were tight, sometimes getting along in a way I envied. I had the upmost confidence that Kelly could handle every curve ball Kyle would throw at him. There would be times of gentle guidance but if Kyle came home past curfew or with alcohol on his breath, he would be read the riot act, grounded and handed a long list of chores. He would be safe and well cared for in my best friends capable hands. But Kelly was never one to let anything or anyone to hold him back and taking on custody of Kyle wouldn't cause him to change his ways one iota. But I couldn't fault him, because being a single parent hadn't changed a damn thing in my approach to the job.

I wasn't even sure why I told Kyle he couldn't go down to that cafe. Because he was out of sight? Maybe. Because I was worried he'd stumble into some kind of riot, revolt or be kidnapped? Perhaps.

Because I needed to be in control, make sure he knew who was boss? Probably. That shift when the bullet lodged in that gun left me feeling anything but, and now my son had to pay the price for that.

I was restless, fidgety and couldn't sit still. I sat down on the couch and dug the remote out of the couch and turned the TV on flipping through all the channels, not seeing any of the content that flashed across the screen. I turned it off, looked at Kyle's bedroom door but headed to the kitchen instead. I opened the fridge, searched as effectively for food and drink as I had for something to watch on the TV. I closed the door and saw the thin strip of pictures of Kelly and Kyle that had been taken at a photo booth at Navy Pier a month ago. It was their tradition, an annual event that marked the passage of time as it was momentarily paused and held tightly.

I can't say Kyle and I had any sort of annual or otherwise tradition. And it depressed me as stood there and thought about it. I opened the refrigerator door and grabbed a beer, twisting the cap off and slugging down a mouthful before the door had even shut. I loved that kid more than anything, but felt that I had failed him so many times in his thirteen years. The two longest relationships that I had, both went down in flames. I knew that Halley had no desire to be a mother but pushed on because I promised her that it would work out. But it hadn't, not really, not ever, and definitely not in the end. We had tried so hard, but I think we both knew it was destined for disaster.

The relationship with Gabby had been a breath of fresh air, something beautiful—until it wasn't. In an effort and desire to make our family bigger we had succeeded in only making it smaller. Kyle had finally crossed over into the belief that she had fit nicely into our family. Then it imploded and she left and once again he felt abandoned after giving his heart away. I guess we shared that emotion. The poor kid would probably never have a chance at a decent relationship after my blunders.

I looked at the bottle in my hand and noticed it was over half gone and I had no recollection of drinking it. I dumped the rest of it down the drain, watching the amber liquid splash around as it raced to disappear. If it was only so easy for the rest of us to take our leave and just disappear.

I tossed the bottle in the recycle bin and went to the bathroom. As I washed my hands I took a long look in the mirror. I splashed water on my face and looked again to see if I was any happier with my reflection, but I still looked just as lost. I had so much to be happy about. A great job that I loved, a work family that I cherished, a wonderful son that I adored and best friend that I trusted with not only my life but my son's as well. Yes, we had lost a lot, but we still had a lot going for us and I was going to be damned if I was going to let some lost soul with a gun take away my love for life and hope for the future. I dried my face, ran my hand through my hair and walked out of the bathroom straight to Kyle's door.

Kyle

I walked briskly to the restaurant and saw not only Josh but his older sister Cammy sitting with him. This development really excited me. I had had a crush on Cammy for the last few months of school. She was a year older and I hardly saw her, now that she was in ninth grade. She smiled at me and waved. "KJ Casey," she said. She was the only one that called me KJ besides Kelly. "Thought you couldn't come."

"I couldn't."

"Oooh, there's a developing story here, I do believe," she said slurping from her drink. "Sit." She said patting the rickety wire chair next to her.

"Do you want a drink?" Josh asked.

"No, I'm good," I replied not want to waste precious time in line and remembering that I hadn't grabbed any money before I came down.

"You can share mine," Cammy said pushing her cup in front of me. "It's raspberry lemonade."

I blushed with the offer. One that I found rather appealing. "Sweet," meaning both literally and metaphorically, I said as the liquid slid down my throat. I tried not to grimace as the sugary flavor assaulted my tender taste buds.

"How'd you sneak out?" She asked.

"Walked out the door when he was in the bathroom."

"Wow, you got balls, Casey."

My lips went up as did my eyebrows as she said this. "How's soccer going?" I asked.

"Okay, we're two and one. I don't have any goals yet. But I heard you had one the other day."

"Lucky bounce. Besides it's just the junior high team."

We all chatted about soccer, a sport that we all loved, homework that we all hated, and parents that we often barely tolerated. It was on that note that Josh got my attention. "Dude," he said and nodded his head towards the sidewalk mere feet away. And there stood my father, with the combined look of disappointment, disbelief and anger. A mashup of emotions that were all focused on me. I had seen it when he was upset with something that happened at work and I had seen when he was upset with me. I guess he had the right and I was wondering just how awful the rest of the evening would be.

"Is that your dad?" Cammy asked quietly. I nodded. "He's hot." She replied. Not exactly the comeback I was looking for. Not that I hadn't heard it before, in fact I heard it more than a few times. Or towards Kelly if he was around.

"People think I look like him," I tried.

"I think he wants you," Josh said as Dad's blue eyes, cloaked in fury stared my way as his finger curled up repeatedly, requesting my presence.

With great effort, I pushed off from the table, almost knocking the chair over. I took the few steps towards him and gratefully he stepped further back to give us a bigger buffer for privacy.

"What do you thing you are doing?" He asked in hushed anger, biting off each word.

"Doing what I need to do."

"Doing what I specifically told you not to do."

"For which you had no reason," I hissed back.

He mashed lips together into an angry expression. "I have plenty of reasons, and you defying me just gave me another one."

"You're not even making sense." I declared.

"You have five minutes to tell you friends goodbye and get home."

"It'll take nearly ten to walk back."

"Then I suggest you be right behind me." He said as he turned and began to march back up the street.

I walked back to the table where the small audience waited. "I gotta go."

"We figured," Josh said. "Sorry man. Text me later if you can."

Cammy's neck was stretched as she watched my father's departure. "Does he work with his hands? He looks like he's in great shape."

I rolled my eyes. This little gathering had not gone at all like I had hoped. I don't why I thought I could possibly get away with any of this or even why I had wanted to. There was some kind of seed of despair that had been planted months ago and despite my best efforts to keep it at bay, it was growing within me and I wasn't able to stop it. I couldn't seem to deny it the space it needed to take hold. It was clear I was losing the battle and had become helpless.

"Seriously—is he a construction worker or something?" Cammy asked me.

I just shook my head and left and Josh shouted some parting words in my direction that I didn't really hear. I could still hear Cammy asking what my father did for living and actually squeal when she learned what his occupation was. I rolled my eyes once again and suddenly felt so powerless in this world. I had lost so much of myself and it didn't look like I was going to ever get it back. It was like fighting sleep, you had to eventually succumb. But the problem was, the devil never sleeps. He didn't that night and would forever live in me.

It took me longer than five minutes to walk home, but I figured Dad knew that and would accept the few extra minutes it had taken me. I didn't even know how I was going to react or worse, how he would.

Matt

When I got to the front door I looked back, something I had denied myself the entire return trip. I could see Kyle about fifty yards behind me. I stepped inside and decided burning off some steam by taking the stairs might be the best thing for both of us.

I knew he had been disappointed with my denial of his request to join his friends, but I really hadn't believed that he would go this far. He was a smart kid and had to have known that this venture would end in failure. I had gone into his room to talk to him and offer up some kind of truce, but that quickly dissipated when I saw an empty space. After the initial shock wore off, I found myself clinging to hope that somehow I had missed him. I checked under the bed, the closet, went back out and checked the rest of the apartment, even Kelly's room and closet.

In my effort to keep him close I had lost him anyway. I know this was just one incident, but it was indicative of the path he continued to choose as of late. I knew everything he had been through had a cumulative affect, plus the blossoming adolescence hadn't helped either. When I discovered his absence I could feel my anger not just rise, but explode and I was momentarily relieved that he wasn't there. I needed to time to rein in my emotions, corral them, be sure they didn't drive my words and actions.

As I walked down to the cafe that he had mentioned I kept telling myself that I wasn't my father and I would never become him. I would not approach Kyle while full of rage and frustration and take it out on him despite the fact that he was the cause of my rage and frustration. I had made that promise to myself long ago and knew how it important it was that I stick to it. I remembered how far my father pushed me away with his actions and that was the last thing I wanted. As I got closer I just hoped he was there, because if he wasn't—well, another piece would break free and float away and I just didn't think I could deal with that. We were breaking in two and I didn't know how to keep us together. I felt as if I had a hole in my heart as I watched my son drift away.

I hoped Kelly wasn't home when I opened the door. Living with him had been great and just what the three of us needed. The unspoken expressions and actions that make men able to communicate wordlessly, flowed through this space with little effort. But we all still had our personal struggles. I knew what mine were, I had good idea what bogged Kelly down. But the one person I was here to love and protect unconditionally had me guessing. But then again, I'm sure he had a hard time deducing what the hell was wrong with me.

I walked over to my small space. It had been an alcove/storage space that I had framed up and slapped some drywall on to create a small bedroom. Just enough space for a double bed and small dresser. But it gave me privacy and something I could dismantle if needed when Kyle and I eventually moved on. I sat down on my bed and looked at the picture sitting on the makeshift bureau. The night of the fire, Kyle had gotten up to use the bathroom and discovered the fire. He had raced back to his room and tossed several things into his backpack, including the picture of the two of us in front of the truck at 51. It had been taken last year, when his eyes still held life and his posture didn't show defeat. I had admonished him when I discovered that he had wasted precious time gathering these items and almost made him leave the bag behind.

I had always been a father full of lessons, leaning towards the proclamation that actions speak louder than words. Like the time when he was six and had thrown his empty water bottle into the river and got my attention to show me how it was floating away like a boat. He had begun to charge after it, following its progression from the shore, watching it bob and weave among the swells. I had grabbed him before he gone too far and explained to him that what he had done was wrong and why. He just kept trying to turn and point to where he had last seen his 'boat', upset that I didn't understand or share in his adventure. But instead of trying to follow his lead and later explain why he should never do it again, I drained the joy by tugging him away from the river and having him help me pick up trash around the surrounding area. It was a good lesson, but it could have been so much more if I had, just for a minute, looked at life through his six year old eyes. Maybe I was always too worried about the man he would become to enjoy the boy that he was.

I heard the door rattle and watched as it slowly swung open and Kyle slipped through the meager gap that he had allowed. It was as if he was trying to make himself smaller. He turned his whole body to close the door and kept his head down when he faced back in my direction. Kyle was certainly no angel, but he rarely disobeyed my direct authority. Was it hormones or was it something much more sinister?

He kept his head down began to walk towards his room. "Whoa. Where are you going?"

"My room."

"Come back here please. We need to talk about what just happened."

"You told me no and I did it anyway. I'm in trouble and you can tell me what my penance is later."

"That is all true, but I think it merits a discussion. Come sit down," I told him pointing to the couch. He eyed me suspiciously but did what I asked, plopping down on the couch with the full force of his weight or defeat, depending on which way you looked at it.

"The whole reason I went to your room, was because I thought that maybe I had overreacted and I wanted to make a compromise."

"Compromise?"

"Yes. I would go the cafe, order a drink inside, sit and read while you hung out with your friends. But when I went in, you were gone."

"You were?" Kyle asked me. His face uncertain and then shading towards frustration, knowing he may have very well gotten what he had wanted if he had only waited a few more minutes.

Kyle

I could have slapped myself at my impatience, but then again, I had no real recollection of leaving the apartment. It was if I had been beamed into the hallway. That wasn't the first time I seemed to take leaps forward into the future. It was if I blanked out for minutes at a time and who knows what I did during those moments. But, I didn't dare explain that, because it would lead to questions I couldn't answer.

My dad looked at me, his blue eyes troubled, yet sincere. I knew he loved me with his entire being, I had never questioned that. And despite my constant antics and complaints I liked the fact that he was strict. That he didn't take my shit, and that he forced responsibility on me and made me live with the consequences of my actions. Accountability was a word that I had learned long ago.

Last year there was a kid in my class who had told his father to fuck off while we were working on a project at his house. I nearly fell out of my chair. I had called my father an asshole once and paid dearly for it. I can't say I liked it, but I loved my father for his efforts to raise me with dignity and respect. Give respect, earn respect. This father just mumbled his way out of the room. Respect was nowhere to be seen in that household. My father's reactions and discipline told me I was worth his time, his efforts. What did my classmate feel when his words were allowed to fall with no consequences? Despite his bravado, I imagined he would have preferred that his father would have stayed in that room and fought for him.

"Yes I was," Matt replied. "I know you feel that I'm being unfair much of the time, but you've been through a lot in the last year. And when you go through a lot, I go through a lot."

"Well, you're going through something now, that you aren't telling me and I have to endure it." I replied, looking at him in the eye.

"Everything isn't—"

"I know, I know. Everything isn't for me to know. It isn't a two way street. I don't need to worry about adult problems, blah, blah, blah. But something is bothering you and it keeps affecting everything. If you can't talk to me or Kelly about it, see the Chaplain or Chief. But unload so we can get back to normal." I pleaded. Damn, I was the biggest hypocrite ever.

"I get what you're saying. I'll work it out, I promise. But you have to promise me you won't pull another stunt like this again. If I tell you no, then it's no. Not a maybe, not an 'I'll do what I want anyway' not a total disregard of the rules. You don't have to like it—"

"I know, I know," I interrupted again. "But I do have to follow it. Can I go to my room now?"

"Yes. And bring me your phone. You've lost its privileges for the next five days. I'll get you a new burner phone tomorrow for communication purposes only."

Well, even if I can't count on my own behavior I can always count on dear old Dad to be consistent.

 _ **Soundtrack:**_

 _ **Cruel Summer Cobra Kai version**_

 _ **Under Your Scars by Godsmack**_


	48. Up in Smoke

**Up in Smoke**

Kyle

I didn't know what I was doing or why I was doing it. But I was so focused on lighting the stupid cancer stick that I didn't even see or hear Kelly coming. I looked up to see my two compatriots shuffle uncomfortably, their faces etched in concern. It was then that I heard my name. "Kyle James Casey, what do you think you are doing?"

It was then, that Jake and Charlie took off leaving me solo and stupid. I dropped the cigarette, accidentally or purposely I wasn't sure. "I didn't want to do it. I've never done it before." I stammered.

"Step on it. Make sure it's out." Kelly ordered at the smoldering butt. I did what I was told. "Now pick it up and put it in your pocket." I looked at him as if he told me to scale the building that I was standing next to. "Pick it up." He stated again. "If you can smoke it you sure as hell can pick it up and throw it away responsibly.

I breathed a short sigh of relief as I thought perhaps I would get a reprieve. I could throw it out and maybe just keep this between the two of us. But as I looked for a trashcan, it became clear my hopes were all for naught.

"Put it in your pocket and get in the car," he ordered with his no nonsense face.

I climbed in the car, settling my backpack at my feet. I didn't know that he was going to pick me up. I had planned on riding the bus. I didn't even want to smoke the stupid thing, but they dared me. "I've never done it before. I didn't even breathe in." Which was true, I had barely gotten it to my lips when he had arrived. "Are you going to tell my dad?"

"Nope," he replied as he edged into traffic. I blew out a short lived sigh of relief. "Because you're going to tell him." He finished abruptly shattering my triumphant feeling.

"But I won't do it again. You can punish me secretly. I'll do whatever chores you want me to."

But he remained quiet, paying attention to the road in front of him. I made a few more attempts for clemency but was only met with more silence. Both he and my dad were the masters of silence. If it was Voight I'd have no problem staring him down, but with both my caregivers, their solitude caused me to crack like the eggs that I didn't eat. I finally gave up my pleas and looked out the window and watched the city and it's congestion of people and vehicles. Would I stay here when I grew up or trade it in for the congestion of the suburban variety. Or heck, trade it all in for the cornfield filled acres of Iowa or downstate Illinois. But I doubted it. I was a city boy through and through.

It had only been a couple of weeks since the cafe catastrophe and I had done my best to steer clear of anything that would get me into trouble. But here I was—again. Dad had been in a better mood lately, so maybe he had talked with someone. Good for him. I only wish that I could. Maybe filling my void with intentional mishaps was how I was talking to someone. I would screw up, they would talk, I would feel their love through the attention that they were forced to give. Or not. Maybe I was just being stupid and getting caught.

Despite the mid-afternoon traffic we got home faster than I had hoped. It was possible that my dad wasn't even home. He might be on a job somewhere. But what would that mean for me? More silence from Kelly or even a lecture? If I had a choice, I'd actually prefer Kelly on a soapbox.

We got on the elevator and moved over to allow room for the woman who lived down the hall. We stood in awkward silence until I spoke up. "I'm not telling him."

"Yes you are."

"I'm not telling him." I said shaking my head back and forth for emphasis.

"You're telling him."

The conversation volleyed back and forth like that until we got to our floor. I could feel the neighbor smile as she scurried down the hallway, slightly amused by our exchange. Like Danny once had, I was sure she thought my dad and Kelly were a couple.

Kelly unlocked the door and we stepped inside to find my dad sitting on the couch with some kind of paperwork spread out in front of him at the coffee table. I took a step towards my bedroom when I felt a tug on my shirt. "Tell him."

"I'm not telling him," I replied.

"I am not having this conversation again," Kelly stated as he wrapped an arm around me and dug into my pocket pulling the cigarette out and slapping it in one my hands, tobacco trailing it, floating down to the floor.

 **Kelly**

After exposing my godson's misdeed I wandered to the kitchen. But once there I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I wanted to grab a beer from the fridge and I had even opened the door with that intent, but then I looked up at the clock that said it was just after four. I reached for the orange juice instead. With Kyle in the house and soaking up everything around him, I was trying to at least do the small things. Be conscious that, whether or not I liked it, I was an example.

I shut the refrigerator door and looked at the strip of pictures that we had taken in the photo booth last month. Another marker of another year that had gone by. Kyle looked older, his face less baby and more chiseled. It also looked more forlorn than any thirteen year old's should look. I knew he went through hell this summer, on top of a year of hell. I also felt that we didn't know the whole story. He was holding back, I just didn't know if it was something he did or had been done to him. But he wasn't talking, not to me, or Matt or Chief or his doctor. Maybe I was looking for something that didn't exist, or wanting there to be more reasons for his sullen behavior as if that would somehow make it easier on all of us.

But how much more could he have possibly endured in the last year. Mixed up with Nazi's, sliced up like he was a pizza, shot in the head, later, watching the perpetrator killed in front of him. Then there was going undercover with the CPD, where he was away from home and his father for weeks, pretending to be someone he wasn't and used as a puppet by both the police and the criminals. Being threatened at every turn and then watching another head explode right in front of him. And on top of all that, losing Gabby, who he had grown close to, then the apartment, near his best friend, in a neighborhood he loved, going up in flames because someone wanted to intentionally hurt them. All the kid knew was loss. No wonder he wanted to fire up a cigarette or take off to hang out with his friends. How he hadn't exploded in rage was beyond me.

But that was the very reason that Matt had kept him close. He knew his son so well, that he could see the frayed edges before anyone else. But he had confided in me that he was afraid that this time the divide was too large; that Kyle had been through too much. Yes, they had moved in with me because they initially had nowhere else to go and I needed the support after losing Benny, but Kyle was in need of everything that the two of us had to offer him, whether he liked it or not. As I looked at him now, I knew there was a missing piece and I feared the picture would never be the same without it.

I could hear Matt trying to stay calm and not totally unload his disappointment onto his only child. My only child by love if not by blood. I must admit the kid was a great distraction for my minor emotional struggles, how the hell could I compete with the flawed and disturbed road he had been riding on. Not long after he had been shot and I was hanging out with him, I had told him he was too young to die and he had no right to put himself in that position. He had looked at me with such seriousness that it scared me, as he whispered "Kelly, I'm too old to die young." I told him he was twelve years old, a mere child. He just shook his head and walked away. I felt a cold shudder go from my head to my toes. It felt worse than when I carried his limp body across that empty lot, unsure if he was still alive. Sometimes I feel like he wishes that hadn't been.

I sat down at the small table in the kitchen and pulled out my phone and began to scroll through my texts. I looked up to see Kyle come over and toss the mashed cigarette into the trashcan. He glanced my way but we didn't make eye contact. I'm sure he was upset with me for turning him in or catching him in the act or both. But he really didn't expect any less. Yes, occasionally we would have a secret or two from Matt, but minor stuff, like he stayed up an hour past his bedtime. Or we stopped in at Molly's for a few minutes. But not behavioral issues, never those. That wasn't my place and I was careful not to ever overstep my bounds unless I felt very strongly that Matt was out of line, and as of yet, that has never happened.

I could hear the voices rising in volume as I reread a text from Stella. "I just don't understand why you thought it was a good move to even try a cigarette," Matt was saying.

"It was a dare Dad. We all did it on a dare."

"That doesn't matter Kyle, dare or not you shouldn't have been a part of it. Where did the cigarette come from anyway?"

I looked over in time to see Kyle shrug his shoulders. "Jake brought them I think."

"And where did he get them?"

"I guess his parents smoke."

"Well at twelve bucks a pack I would think they would guard them better. Are you ready to fork over that much money for a bad habit?"

"You're overreacting. It was no big deal."

"It was a very big deal," Matt said shaking his head. "How do you think bad habits start?" Kyle shrugged again. "Not an answer. Try again."

"Because you try them and then you like them. I didn't even really try. And I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it."

"Then why try it to begin with."

"Because, I told you it was a dare."

"And, that is a ridiculous reason."

"Like you wouldn't do something if Kelly dared you. You guys jumped off of a roof."

"While we were doing our jobs. And, if he dared me to do something, it would be for fun, not something that would hurt me. Friends, don't want to hurt each other."

"You both drink. That's not good for you."

After hearing that, I was grateful I had a glass of orange juice in front of me.

"We are both adults and we drink in moderation. When you're an adult you can make the same choice."

"But why do you drink? Huh? Cause it relaxes you. And you both don't always drink in moderation, I've seen you both have too much. It's a crutch."

I could tell Matt was trying to come up with something that didn't sound defensive and ridiculous. But the silence was beginning to stretch.

"You're right, once in a while I have too much," Matt began, "and that isn't the best idea. But even adults make an error in judgment occasionally. But we're not talking about me."

Or me, I thought. I had to give Matt kudos for leaving me out of the line of fire as I am the one who tends to stray towards the 'too much' distinction. Though I have been trying to be a better example as of late.

"But you can get drunk and be stupid and nobody yells at you and you don't get in trouble!"

"There are always consequences to behavior, no matter how old you are."

"Whatever," Kyle muttered.

"Once when I was new to 51, I showed up for my shift with a pretty mean hangover. Chief was not impressed. He had me doing all kinds of drills. I puked my guts out. I learned a valuable lesson. He was there and is still there to guide me, just like I'm trying to guide you."

I heard Kyle sigh heavily. "Can I go to my room now? I have a lot of homework."

"Sure," Matt said as Kyle stepped over and picked up his backpack. "In fact you had better get started, because you have another assignment."

I could see the confusion cloud Kyle's face and I wondered what Matt was thinking. He was always ready to make his son use his brain and reasoning to understand his indiscretions. I thought back to the time he had been forced to write pages of sentences to drive some point home.

"I want you to write a two page paper on the dangers of smoking. Especially in someone so young."

"I just said I have a ton of homework. I won't have time." Kyle balked.

"Then you had better give me your phone and get going. I'll let you know when dinner is ready. Get going." He said pointing.

Kyle pulled his phone from his pocket and tossed it on the couch and stomped off slamming his door causing Matt to flinch. "I hate when he does that." He muttered.

"He's just blowing off a little steam. I know I was a champion door slammer." I told him.

"Me too. My dad took my door off the hinges once because he was sick and tired of me slamming it during one of my hissy fits. That's what he would call anything that was said or done that didn't bow down to his desires."

"Is that where you got the idea to take Kyle's door off last year?"

"Probably. I don't even remember thinking about it. I just did it. I'm not sure if he or I have ever recovered from that adventure of his. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here to help me."

"You'd do fine. But you would definitely be a lot more tired."

"Chief wants me to go to some training in Milwaukee in a few weeks." He said nodding towards the booklets in front of him on the coffee table. "It's between five and seven days depending on what workshops you choose. There's a lot of great sessions and Chief is kind of pushing it, but with Kyle's recent behavior, I'm just not sure if I can leave him right now. I know my sister can't handle him."

"You know that I can." I offered.

"I don't want to keep leaning on you."

"Why not? We're practically brothers. He's half mine," I said looking towards the door that currently held the petulant teenager. I looked over to see a weary smile on Matt's face. "He can come to 51 after school on shift days and I can drop him off and pick him up from school the other days. I don't have anything pressing. It might be the perfect time to change things up a bit.

"Besides you know that I can handle it. And you could use a break, a little distance. Besides, if Chief says go, you go."

"You're right. I think a break would be good for both of us."

"We'll be fine. What could go wrong?" But even as I said it, I knew that plenty could and probably would.


	49. Living on a Thin Line Part I

**Living On A Thin Line**

 **Part One**

 **Matt**

I had just finished putting my things away in the hotel drawers that most likely got very little use. But I was going to be here for a week, so I thought I might as well get comfortable. It was Sunday evening, and I was getting ready to head out to the lobby for refreshments. I had intended to go home on Friday afternoon, but at the last minute was slated to give my own talk on urban firefighting which was on Saturday afternoon. I was honored to be asked to contribute but at the same time I wanted to get home. I knew that Kelly was more than up to the task of caring for Kyle, even when he is being a difficult teenage monster. But I had that odd feeling in my gut that something was up and that Kyle was going to be in the middle of it.

In the end, I hadn't made a big deal out of the cigarette smoking. Although, days after the incident I checked his pockets and backpack for any telltale signs. I also made sure to smell his clothes for any hint of tobacco smoke. I had come up empty every time. He did write a stirring report on the health risks of smoking and once I read that, I made him research all of the statistics. After that, he lost his phone in the evening for five days and had laundry duty and kitchen duty. But, both Kelly and I pitched in with the dishes so it wasn't so bad, far from the slave labor as he so loudly proclaimed with each chore.

I ran my hand through my hair and then looked into the mirror on the wall. I tired so hard to be the best father, the perfect father. But I knew that was unattainable, especially given the lack of a decent example that I had growing up. Kelly wasn't in much better shape. But we tried. We both tried and where I seemed to miss the mark, Kelly nailed it.

Some days I feel as if I am too strict and demanding, but other days I feel him slipping through my fingers. After the wild year and summer, I didn't know how to cope and if I didn't know how to handle it, how the hell would he? The world just seemed to constantly knock him down, but he kept getting back up. But this last time, I'm not sure if he got up more slowly or isn't quite fully vertical yet. He's says he's fine, dealing, but the road appears to be ever winding and I'm not sure if he can get to the end of it on his own, yet he won't seem to allow anyone else to walk it with him. It's exhausting for both of us, but a labor of love that I will never give up on. I just hope he has the same tenacity.

I pulled my phone out and looked at a picture taken last year, his eyes, clear and bright and then found the selfie that we had taken at the Cubs game a month ago and his eyes had no luster, no life. The smile was there, but little else. All I can think of is, where have you gone my son? Where have you gone? And why can't I find you?

A week ago Herrmann had given me an envelope as he explained something that he had found that made him think of Kyle. I thought back to that day as he caught my attention. "Hey Captain, I was helping out with some homework a few days ago and came across this website and I think it explains Kyle. I kept reading the checklist and according to it he is an Indigo child. I mean it Captain, he is nearly all these things. I guess it was something from the sixties or seventies. But I thought you might find it interesting so I printed it out."

I had no idea what he was talking about or what it meant, but as I read off the list that he had given me, I began to see what he meant. Nearly every item captured Kyle's essence. There was no doubt he had a sort of gravity to him and apparently so did others that were described by these traits. I pulled out the list that from that day and looked it over again.

 ** _ **13**_** _Common Traits of an Indigo Child_

 _If you wonder if you might be of this distinct soul lineage, here are a few traits which may feel familiar._

 _1\. You Feel Entitled_

 _You were born feeling special and know it._

 _2\. You Are Destined to Be Here_

 _You are confident and even arrogant at times – and emboldened by something larger than you can name._

 _3\. You Have High Expectations of Yourself and Others_

 _This can make for a challenging relationships and interactions. You see only the best and expect others to live up to it. Toward yourself, you can be unrelentingly self critical._

 _4\. You are Perceptive_

 _Indigos see the world differently. Coupled with innate-self assurance, you often think your way is right and are offended if others cannot see, much less take action, on your point of view. If Indigos ruled the world, you are confident no problems would exist._

 _5\. You Question Authority_

 _You are not one to negotiate, so certain in your views and ways, you are often rebellious and critical of those in power._

 _6\. You Want to Overturn the Man_

 _Difficult and rigid systems seem foolish to you and you often become antagonistic to what others experience as normal._

 _7\. You are Creative_

 _Musically and artistically gifted, your art invites others to see the world around through your eyes._

 _8\. You are a Change Maker_

 _Your perception on the failings of society is so keen that you are a magnificent leader, offering better methods of business, society and ways of being._

 _9\. You are a Lost Soul_

 _You feel out of place with others as you recognize you are different than most people. You can tend toward being a loner or rebel, unwilling to compromise just to fit in._

 _10\. You are Driven_

 _As the Indigo soul mission is encoded in your very being, you are unwilling to back down from confronting what feels out of integrity._

 _11\. You are Passionate and Focused_

 _While fiery temperaments may be hard to take, you are not one to be still or silenced._

 _12\. You are Highly Psychic_

 _Without any need for development, your psychic capacity is finely tuned. While you see nothing special in your ability, it gives you an advantage in reading others with ease and seeing through masks._

 _13\. You are Frustrated_

 _Coupled with their big-picture vision and restless soul drive for change, you become easily frustrated with society and others who are not shifting quickly enough. Patience is something that should be developed._

As I reviewed the list the wider my eyes got. Many of these most certainly described my son. But what did any of it mean? There was no medication or therapy for this. It was just a label. A list of traits that enveloped Kyle. As I reread the list I realized Kyle embodied so many of things, but I also noticed that Hallie and I embraced very few. Who was this kid and where had he come from? At that moment I was grateful that he was my spitting image. Not that I had every questioned his paternity, but seeing his personality stripped bare in front of me left me feeling a little unsettled. I had no idea what this article meant, if anything. But what was he destined to become in this world and would he survive long enough to get there?

 _Kyle_

I hadn't cut myself in two weeks. It had begun several weeks after Camden had assaulted me. I couldn't say exactly why I cut myself. Perhaps each person has their own reason. I've read that girls do it more than boys, and for most it is a way to release the pain. From my viewpoint, the breaking of my skin is like my emotional dam bursting, the blood rising up, is all the emotions that I had been holding back. I can simply wipe it away, make it stop. Then a scab appears, showing healing in progress, and it simply falls away when all is new again, leaving a tiny remnant of the struggle behind. It seemed so simple. But emotional turmoil wasn't so easy to deal with. I figured maybe that if I repeated the cycle enough times I would heal on the inside too.

But I had been trying to stop. I was running out of places to do it where it wouldn't be seen. I knew that I was being watched closely and I felt like Dr. Sawyer knew I was holding back. I think everyone knew I was holding something back. But Camden said he would kill my father and Kelly if I told what he had done to me and I totally believed him. Besides, I wasn't sure if I could ever admit what he did to me. It had been like a game to him. He held me so tightly, whispering, telling me he nobody had ever been as gentle with him as he had been with me. I had no idea what he meant and from where I was standing there was nothing gentle about what he had done to me.

To this day I could still feel him holding onto me. I woke up the other night, unsure what had roused me when I swear that somebody was in bed with me, holding me from behind. Their arms wrapped tightly around me. I couldn't move. I knew neither my dad or Kelly would ever climb in bed with me. I started to sweat as my heart pounded. I wanted to yell out but I couldn't even do that. Finally I jumped out of bed to find it empty. No monsters lurking. I don't know if it was lingering dream or what exactly had happened. I reminded myself that he was in prison and couldn't hurt me—well, not anymore than he already had. But I also knew that my monsters are real and they may go to prison, but they never fully go away. The devil never sleeps and thanks to him, neither do I.

I had gone over to my dresser and picked up the two stuffed animals that I thrown in my backpack before I left our flaming apartment. One was a bear from my mother, the other a penguin that Kelly had bought me years before. My dad had a fit when he noticed that I had packed a bag before getting out of the apartment. I was well aware that a fire doubled in size every 30 seconds, but it took me less than ten to grab my backpack and put in a couple of pictures and the stuffed toys. The penguin, a gift from Kelly and yes, he could buy me another one, but he couldn't buy me one from that day we had at the zoo. And the stuffed bear that wore an I Love You t-shirt was from my mom and she would never buy me anything ever again. So it was worth the tongue lashing to save them and now I put them next to me and tried to slow my breathing. It took me hours to fall back asleep and when I finally did, I could hear Camden's voice in my ear, telling me that it would be okay, all I had to do was relax—like that would ever be a possibility again. Part of me wanted someone to lie down with me until the hurting was gone. But that wasn't a possibility either. It was like my mind was held captive and my body followed.

My dad had left for a firefighting seminar/training in Milwaukee for the week, leaving me with Kelly. He had given me the speech about being good and doing what I was told. And that I could call him anytime and if necessary he could come home. But I wanted him to be away, not because I didn't want him around, but because I thought maybe I could get my act together and be better by the time he returned. Kelly had watched me like a hawk for the first few days. We did go down to Navy Pier one night and walked around. I knew he was trying to get me to open up. I had begun to hate activities like this as it made it even harder to stay quiet. But I had to keep the facade up or I would bring even more suspicions my way. I never knew that smiling when you weren't the least bit happy was so hard. It took energy that I no longer had.

Our first couple of days were uneventful. I did abide by my fathers wishes and behaved well, doing what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to, and didn't give Kelly any problems. And the day the trouble arrived, I wasn't looking for it, but then again, I never do.

It was shift day and I had just been handed the detention slip. I stared at it as if was going burst into flames or bite me. I knew my dad would get a text that I had received the punishment but Kelly probably wouldn't. I had the choice of serving it today, tomorrow or the following day. But regardless of the day I chose, I had to have the slip signed by a parent or guardian or risk another detention. I wondered why it was necessary since they got a text anyway. Despite the fact that Kelly would ultimately discover my misdeed, I chose that day to stay after school in hopes that the house would be on a call and have no idea that I was late. But, like so many of my decisions, it didn't work out well or as I had planned.

As the bus chugged ever closer to 51, I found myself thrown back into a memory. I must have been around four or five. Probably five since I do remember some specifics about it. Kelly was babysitting me and I don't know what had caused me to hide, whether we had been playing hide and seek or I had just decided to disappear. In the apartment he lived in at the time there had been a dishwasher that had been removed and the empty spot covered by fake cabinet doors. It caused an extended storage space that wasn't used because you couldn't access it easily from the front. I had crawled back in there, it was dark and just enough space for a kid my size. I sat there as quiet as a mouse while Kelly called my name over and over. I'm sure his voice began to reflect the fear that was creeping in as the minutes ticked by and I hadn't turned up or responded. I could hear him looking, opening and closing doors, repeating my name. I must have made a noise at some point because I remember seeing the light land near my feet and Kelly's face peering into the dark at me. I had been hugging my knees, for some reason I remember that specifically. He reached his hand towards me and helped tug me out. He said something like thank God, and then hugged me. Meanwhile, I thought what I had done was awesome and therefore was so confused when he proceeded to spank the holy hell out of my backside.

I had initially forgotten about the whole ordeal until a few months ago when Kelly was reminiscing with Chief about a time when he was around seven and hid from his father while swimming, appearing to have drown. Benny had finally found him sitting on the dock and wasn't the least bit amused and let his son have it. He asked me if I recalled a time when I was younger and had hidden from him. With his input, I did conjure up the memory. He had explained to me at the time and then again while we were sitting there, why he had been so upset, just as Benny had been angry with him. A scared parent or guardian was a dangerous one. That there was nothing worse than to be in fear for those that you love and are supposed to protect.

I had been so wrapped up in this personal history that I hadn't even realized that I was now off the bus and nearly to the station, functioning on autopilot. Back then I hid from him physically, now I think I buried my emotions, hoping that they would never be unearthed and stay hidden just as I had all those years ago. Words were still bouncing around my head from that day years ago. "Why didn't you answer me? Didn't you hear me calling you?" Kelly had asked me as he dried my tears and explained why he had punished me.

But suddenly those words were no longer in the past but in the present. I was standing near the driveway of the firehouse and Kelly was in front of me. His face reflecting that same fear I had caused all those years ago. "Why didn't you answer your phone? Didn't you hear my call?" He demanded to know.

I opened my mouth. I guess there was no pointing in saying anything other than the truth. "I had detention today." 

"Why?"

"I skipped a class. Tia's parents told her they were getting divorced and she was upset. I hung out with her instead of going to English class."

"So why didn't you tell me?"

"I guess I hoped you'd be out on a call and I could get away with it," I explained.

Kelly ran his hand through his hair, something both he and my dad did when they were frustrated, usually with me. "I was going to find out," he pointed out.

"I know," I sighed. "It was stupid."

"You had me terrified. You didn't let me know you were going to be late and you didn't answer your phone."

"We have to put them in a basket when we go into detention."

"You could have told me before or at least afterwards. I've been freaking out, thinking who knows what happened to you."

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Not good enough," he said. "Get into the house. Go to my quarters and wait for me," he ordered.

As we hit the driveway he stopped and looked down the street at three thugs, dressed in gang colors loitering nearby. "Who are they?" I asked.

"Do what I told you." He barked. But I remained frozen. "Do as I say," he commanded again and that got me moving to lip of the garage.

Kelly stalked towards the small group as Cruz and Capp backed him up. I stared out at the driveway that I had once drawn on with sidewalk chalk. My artistic ability only allowed me to draw the simplest of shapes, letters and rainbows. Once I remembered drawing a tall ladder and Kelly pretended to climb my two dimensional creation. But more recently the driveway had held a bloody mess in the shape of the man that had shot me. His failure had brought about his own death penalty that had been carried out just feet from where I now stood. The driveway had gone from a canvas of chalk to a silhouette of death.

I could hear Kelly telling the small gang to move along, that firehouse was for the neighborhood and they weren't part of the neighborhood. But they didn't seem to be too interested in his message. I could hear a lot of "whatever man's" and "this is our space too."

"What's going on?" I asked as Mouch came over. I hadn't even realized that I had edged my way to the middle of the driveway.

"Three or four guys have been showing up near the firehouse. There's no doubt they're selling drugs."

"Call the police," I advised, ever the brilliant one.

"We have, the cops chase them off but they come right back."

Suddenly Chief was standing next to me, scowling as he looked down my way. "Get your butt into the house, in the kitchen or my office."

Kelly looked back as he heard Chief's words and glared at me, clearly upset that I was still standing out in the open. This afternoon was not looking good at all for me. I made my way to Kelly's quarters as he had initially asked and set my backpack down. I had gotten most of my homework done in detention so I only had a page of math left. They didn't used to let you do your homework while serving in the after school disciplinary action, but too many teachers complained about bored students creating problems, so now they allowed homework or any other quiet activity to take place.

I sat down on Kelly's bed and tried to figure out how the hell I had dug this huge hole so fast. Somehow things had spiraled away from me faster than I could have imagined. He had looked pretty upset when I was late and hadn't bothered to tell him and he looked super pissed when I had failed to retreat like he had told me to. And the worst of it, was that I was certain he would tell my dad and I would get in trouble twice for the same thing.

Deep in thought I hadn't even noticed Kelly whip through the door. "Outside now," he said as he reached down and grabbed my arm to pull me up. I knew I was in big trouble as outside in the back was the place where everyone would get yelled at. The higher volume that couldn't be contained anywhere in the building was saved for this outdoor space.

 **Kelly**

The door had barely closed behind us when my tirade began. "What the hell were you thinking? You're late and you don't tell me, hoping that you'll get away with something that you damn well know you won't. Then I tell you to do the simplest thing and you blatantly disregard me. The situation outside could have easily escalated."

"Yes it could and you were out there."

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"No. You're not a cop. You shouldn't have pushed them. What if they have guns. I mean, I bet they do have guns."

"And what would you have done if things had gone south? Huh? It was not your place to be out there."

"And it wasn't yours either," Kyle stated.

I couldn't believe this kid, his back against the wall literally and figuratively and he wasn't going quietly, but why was I surprised. "Okay," I began as sternly as I could. I hoped my face reflected my anger without looking ridiculous. "Why didn't you text me to tell me that you had detention?" I said trying a different angle.

Kyle pulled his lips inward, and mashed them together as the tried to come up with some kind of answer. "I don't know. I thought maybe you guys would be on a call and that maybe since my dad is busy he might miss the text."

"So deception. You were going for deception. Didn't you have an issue with a detention slip a while back? That time didn't end up so well for you either?"

"Yeah," he admitted recalling the time he had attempted to forge Matt's signature on the detention slip, but got caught.

"So, I would think you had learned to own up to your first mistake without creating another one. But instead you thought it was okay to leave me wondering if you were safe as I sat here waiting for you."

"Sorry." He told me again, the second time in the last several minutes.

"Oh you will be." I promised him having no idea what I even meant. His tardiness brought up memories from the recent past when Matt had called me in a panic saying that Kyle hadn't come home that night and appeared to be wandering the city. And even further into the past when he was around five and had hidden from me, ignoring my increasingly panicked shouts of his name. I had explained to him back then why we had to know where he was at all times. He learned the lesson, but is always ready to discard the knowledge when it doesn't fit his needs. He was so stubborn at times, it made you want to pull your hair out and which is exactly how I felt.

"Let's get back to your defiance from a few minutes ago. I told you to go inside, but you didn't listen. Chief had to tell you as well. Do you think that he was happy that you had to be told twice?"

"Probably not," he admitted quietly.

"You need to learn to do what you're told when you're told to do it. That's the expectation in the firehouse and in the world. And I expect you to do it. And you need to, every time." I told him, having no idea where I was going with this conversation. I ran my hand through my hair. "Your life has been a mess lately and mostly it's because of you not doing what you are told. Can we at least pick up the pieces from the last issue before you create even more problems? Or better yet, can you stop creating new problems?"

"I don't mean to," he tried.

"Not an excuse. You have control over your actions but you try to play it off that you don't. Be responsible Kyle. You're thirteen now, no longer a little kid and you need to act like it."

"I thought I was...you know acting like a teenager," he joked. But I wasn't going to give him any slack.

"No!" I snarled, not giving him an inch. "What does your dad tell you all the time?"

He sat and thought for a minute before parting with the words. "I'm free to make my own choices but I'm not free from the consequences of those choices."

"Welcome to the consequences," I said looking him in the eye.

 **Kyle**

My consequences ended up being sweeping the firehouse and washing all three vehicles. I had help, but was the only one involved in the entire production. And Kelly was there to point out any spot of dirt I had missed. We also talked to my dad on speaker phone, and he was far from happy about my sins of the day. He promised we'd talk about it when he came home. Yay for me, I thought sarcastically.

Beyond that Kelly took my phone from me after I got home from school. That was a given as my father always did that. In fact I think he had it more than I ever did. I didn't get to pick what we watched on TV but he did allow me to record my shows. And, other than school or being in my room, I was under his ever watchful eye and expected to toe the line. So you would think that would make my next escapade especially hard, but like most things, it came easily, in fact it was basically waiting for me just outside the door.

It had been just before midnight when I heard the call signal sound and everyone rush out, trucks rumbling, sirens wailing and then the empty silence. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. That was nothing new. I often had to fight to stay awake at school after a night at the firehouse. But this time I was actually sleeping pretty well until the business end of the firehouse swung into action. Now I was wide awake and decided to get up. I slipped on my sweat pants and sneakers and left my dad's quarters where I had been sleeping.

I got a drink of water and wandered into the empty bay void of any emergency vehicles. I grabbed the tennis ball that was in the room where the turnout gear was stored and bounced it around in the garage for a while. After I finished that I remembered that I had left an old baseball glove outside from the other day. After I had finished cleaning the trucks, Cruz secretly played catch with me for a few minutes, but when Kelly had caught on and came out I tossed my glove aside and acted like we had just stepped outside for a break.

I grabbed the small flashlight that sat in a kitchen drawer and wedged the door stop into the door so it wouldn't lock me out and began my search. It took a minute until I found the leather peeking out at me by a bush. I was getting ready to head back in when I heard some voices. I shut off the flashlight and crept closer to the street to check out the source of the noise. I was near the edge of the building and saw three guys standing in the driveway. It was clear that they were either the same guys from the other day, or at the very least from the same organization. They guffawed at each other in a tight circle as they stood there, invading the sacred firehouse property that they had been previously pushed away from. I was sure they knew the trucks were or out, or maybe not, but were certain they would not be caught standing where they were. I figured it was a big fuck you to 51. As I watched, I saw a car pull up and a man hop out and give one of the trio a very complicated handshake, much like Danny and I had invented a few years ago. They chatted for a minute as I continued to watch, wishing I had my phone so I could record what was happening. As they continued to talk for a minute and I decided to run back inside and grab my phone that I had only been allowed to have due to internet usage for a report I had churned out earlier that evening. By the time I came back out, the visitor was pulling a wad of cash from his pocket and counting out several bills as I hit record and pointed it in their direction. With a street light illuminating the area, the video would have enough light so that you could tell what was happening. As the money was offered, what appeared to be a few packets appeared and the trade was made. A few more words were exchanged and then the guy hopped back in the car and they roared off. I backed up a bit so that building shielded me better. I was checking out the video, finding it grainy with the low light and the fact that I had to zoom in quite a bit, but was fairly satisfied that this would make some kind of difference. But then I wondered how and to whom. I couldn't show Kelly or Chief as I was most definitely not allowed outside at night and if I took it to Jay Halstead or Voight they would tell my father. Maybe I could send it anonymously somehow. But that would probably come back to me as I didn't know any of that hidden IP stuff. As I was pondering all this, I noticed the three guys were gone. I stepped out and took several steps towards the driveway further exposing myself when I saw that the trucks were pulling in. I spun and took off running, as I neared the door I could hear someone chasing me.

I had leaned my body into the door flinging it open and shoved it close behind me as I pulled the wedge from it. My heart was pounding, sweat ringed my face. Did they know I took a video, were they trying to get my phone? I ran to my dad's quarters and flung off my sneakers and sweatpants as I heard the bay doors go up. I jumped in bed while still holding my phone and I pushed buttons as fast as I could emailing the video to both of my accounts. I then tossed the phone onto the desk and acted like I was sleeping.

 _ **To be continued...**_

Soundtrack:

God's Whisper by Raury when Matt reads about the Indigo children

Living on a thin line by the Kinks

Monsters are real by Shinedown


	50. Living on a Thin Line Part II

_**Part II**_

 **Kelly**

I couldn't believe my eyes or my heart. We saw three forms jogging towards the corner and were sure that it was the drug dealing night crew. But as we went a little further I saw another form causing my heart to bottom out. "You have to be fuckin' kidding me," I said as I flung the door open as Cruz slowed to enter the driveway. I heard him say 'what is it Lieutenant' as I jumped out and began to chase that small form as it ran towards the back. The kid was gazelle. He had filled out a little as his system soaked up puberty but he definitely was heading towards lean and wiry. I teased him that it was because he didn't eat any meat. But he quickly showed me pictures of vegan weightlifters, whose biceps were as big and bigger than Kyle's thighs.

I heard the door slam before I was close enough to catch it. I stomped back around and nearly crashed into Chief. With rank he had earned the right to sleep at home and often met us at the overnight calls.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Kyle. I saw him run from the side of the building as we were pulling in. I chased him but he made it inside." 

"And you're sure it was him?"

"Definitely. Probably out here spying on those dealers from the corner."

"That kid does not know when to give up." Chief said as he looked towards the ceiling in exasperation.

"I know."

"One day it's going to get him killed," he said.

"I know," I repeated.

Chief shook his head. "Go get him. Take it out of the firehouse and let him have it. And I mean let him have it."

"But Chief, with Casey gone—" I began not comfortable leaving the crew shorthanded.

"I'll stay. Just get that kid and straighten him out. Understood?"

"Yes Chief, understood."

"What's going on?" Cruz asked me as Chief headed towards his office.

"Kyle. He was outside."

"With those dealers out here?"

"Yep."

"You're sure?"

"One hundred percent."

"Damn."

"I know. Chief is staying. I'm taking Kyle home."

"Damn," Cruz repeated.

"I know," I replied.

I hung up my gear and went to my quarters and prepared them for the next shift and went to find young Master Casey. He was pretending to be asleep. It had been maybe fifteen minutes since I gave chase. I stood for a moment as he feigned sleep, finally shaking my head. I turned on the light and saw that his shoes were jumbled up in a twisted pile of sweatpants, they looked wet from the grass outside. "Quit pretending to be asleep," I said. On queue he sat up and rubbed his eyes as I rolled mine. "Get dressed we're leaving."

"What? Is shift over?"

"You damn well know that it isn't. The discussion you and I are going to have isn't going to take place here and it isn't going to wait. Now get up, get dressed and get your stuff together. I'll be back in three minutes." I stormed off and found Chief in his office. "He's getting ready. I don't know what to say or do."

"I'm sure you'll find the words. Just don't kill him." I nodded not any more confident than I had been before I walked in. "I mean it Severide, don't kill him. That's for his father to do. But, making him wish for death wouldn't be a bad plan."

I cracked a slight smile. "I thought I was a pain in the ass and a rebel, but this kid throws caution into the wind and throws himself into battle with nothing to protect himself."

"You have to make him understand that."

"How do I do that? Both Matt and I have told him over and over again that he is reckless. He doesn't see it or if he does, he doesn't care."

"I'm sure you'll find the words." Even with Chief's confidence in me, I wasn't so sure I'd find anything useful within myself.

I looked at the clock and saw it had been over three minutes so I took a deep breath in and trudged back to Kyle and found him zipping up his backpack and grabbing his jacket. "Let's go." I barked.

I purposely kept my mouth shut in the car on the way home. I knew it unnerved him. I also knew we'd be up most of the night and I was glad he didn't have school tomorrow. Something about teacher in-service day. The clock on the dashboard proclaimed it was 1:15. With no traffic the commute didn't take long and was spent in complete silence. Kyle stared out the passenger side window, but I was certain he didn't see much as we traveled the darkened streets.

The quiet continued until we walked into the apartment. He headed towards his room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I snapped.

"My room. It's the middle of the night."

"Why yes it is, which begs the question as to why were you outside while we were on that call?" I asked as I stood near the couch. I could tell he was tense as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He knew there was absolutely nothing he could say that would make it okay for him to be outside in the middle of the night while we were gone.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. Then finally began to talk. "I wasn't."

I closed the gap between us in record time. I grabbed his shirt causing him to drop his bag. "Don't you dare lie to me." I said through clenched teeth. I didn't want him scared of me, but I wanted him afraid of my reaction to his misbehavior. This was going to end tonight, I didn't care if we were up all night, he was going to hear me roar.

"I'm not," he began, but his denial was weak.

I pushed him several feet back against the wall. I could tell from his face that he was lying and I had no doubts that it had been him running from me. At that moment I wasn't sure what I wanted to do more, put him through the wall, take off my belt and let him have it, or just hug him so hard he wouldn't be able to move. "One more chance," I growled. "Tell me the truth. Were you outside?"

He had been looking at me, but diverted his eyes to the ground. "Yes," he admitted.

"Why?"

"I just went to get my glove from out back. I couldn't sleep after you guys left. When I was outside I heard voices. I went to check them out. Then you guys came back and I ran. I heard someone chasing me."

"That was me chasing you. I saw you when we pulled up. But what if it wasn't me? What would you have done?"

"The same thing I did. Run. I made it into the building. I would have been fine."

"How can you not get it," I yelled as I pushed him towards the wall and let go of his shirt. "How can you be so blind? How can you not love yourself?" He looked at me, confusion clouding his face. "Sit down," I yelled pointing to the couch. He scurried over and sat on the edge of cushion, finally seeming to understand the extent of his misdeeds and the depth of my anger.

I took a deep breath and tried to count to five. I sat down next to him, crowding him. "You feel like you have to save the world. You never give a damn about what it does to you. You have to start thinking about yourself. Leave some of the battles to those who are equipped and trained to handle them."

"But the cops aren't getting the job done. I mean they do for a minute but then those guys come back."

"And what are you be able to do?" He looked away from me and then at the floor. "Would you run into a fire without gear and no training?"

"Would you? I bet you would." He stated and I nearly went through the roof. I quickly realized should have never chosen that analogy. I wasn't helping my argument at all.

"First of all, I am a trained firefighter. Second, we are not talking about me. Third, I am about to put you over my knee if you don't start to understand just how much trouble you are in."

"But you would. You and my dad both would." He argued.

"Oh no you don't, you are not going to turn this around and say you are just following our lead. We've been there and done that. What is the difference between us and you?" He merely shrugged. "We are adults. You are a child. You are to do as your told and show respect. You are accountable to the adults in your life, most especially me and your dad. Right now you are totally disregarding everything that I know you have been taught.

"Would it be smart for you to run into a situation that you aren't prepared for?" I asked.

"If I could help someone, how could I not try."

If I clenched my jaw any harder, teeth were going to start snapping off. Here before me sat one of the brightest, most articulate children I had ever known, but he was either playing dumb or truly believed that his good intentions were enough of an armor to deflect anything harmful that could come his way despite the fact that past experience said otherwise.

"Are you that blind? What did you hope to accomplish outside?"

"I don't know." he admitted.

"Well that didn't seem to stop you."

"I thought I could find proof of them selling drugs."

"Everybody already knows what they are doing."

"But if I had proof, maybe they could get arrested."

"The police are trying. They do arrest them, but new ones take their place. Apparently there is a never ending supply. And again it is not your place. Sometimes you have to lay off and stay out of it. There are things that you won't understand or be aware of and those things can make all the difference. Hasn't the world knocked you down enough?"

"But I have to keep getting up."

"Yes you do. But one day if you keep playing these games you won't be able to. Don't you understand that?" He stayed quiet. "You don't have to like it or want to, but you'll be able to make a difference when you're ready and you'll never get there if you continue down this path. You are walking in this world alone when you are surrounded by people that love you and want to be with you. Every time you pull a stunt like this you are totally disrespecting them and your father and me. Do you like doing that?"

"No sir," he said trying to score points with the honorific.

"How can you help society when you grow up? What can you do as an adult?"

"I want to be cop. I want to be the one to put drug dealers in jail."

"Then you have to grow up in order to do it. Don't you get that?" He remained quiet. I let out a sound of frustration causing him to look over at me. "I want to strangle you. You are living on a thin line. One that you seem to be determined to break. Why can't you understand the toll it takes on all of us?"

"I don't mean to. You can just leave me alone." He said, the words just above a whisper.

"Leave you alone huh? Not an option." I slid a few feet over, opening a gap between us and grabbed him and pulled his towards me. He ended up just where I wanted him, across my lap. At first he seemed shocked and didn't move, but then he tensed up and began to squirm. I had no plan here, my body just reacted to my rage. And apparently my rage wanted him to feel vulnerable and humiliated.

"You are not equipped to handle what the world can dish out. It knocks people a lot bigger and older than you on their ass. You have got to quit being so bold and diving into danger without thinking of the consequences. You are too smart to be doing such stupid things. You are going to get into a position, much like this one, where you will be overpowered and helpless and there will be nobody around to help you. And it won't be by someone who cares about you." I continued to hold him tightly, his tension seemed to build and hold him hostage. It was like holding onto a surfboard. But I wanted to remind him that he was a child and even if he had forgotten this fact, I hadn't. He was responsible not only to himself, but to the adults around him that were in charge.

"I'm not like everyone else," he said.

"No, you're not. You're Kyle James Casey and there is nobody else like you and that is why you have to survive so that you can save the world. But you have to survive it first. The world is going to knock you down over and over again so don't be so eager to stand in its way. You have a chance to amazing things when you become a man, but you have to get there first." I let him go and helped him stand up, but snagged his shirt as he attempted to move away. I stood up next to him, staying very close. "You may think you won a particular battle, but you may find that it has the power to come back and haunt you. You have already seen this happen and the more you push the more it will happen again. Do you get what I'm saying?" I asked as I looked down at him, my eyes fierce and cold as they were tempered with anger. He attempted to move away from me and I snapped, nothing had worked with this kid, nothing. Not the lectures, not the loss of privileges, not the extra chores, so I reached out and smacked him several times as hard as I could on the backside, the sting reverberating through my hand in angry waves. My action had stopped him in his tracks, allowing me to grab his arm and spin him back around. I stood staring at him, his face was full of the same uncertainty that I was sure mine held. It wasn't what I had planned, what I had intended to do. It didn't feel right—he was too old, it felt wrong, yet—yet it happened. As we stood there, our eyes locked, and all I could feel was Kyle's dead weight in my arms as his body left a bloody trail in that empty lot a year ago as I rushed him to the ambulance. I instantly recalled his life seemingly fading away from us. Otis' death was still raw and knotted in my stomach. Right, wrong, the sting in my hand stated it had happened. It happened because I would be damned if I lost someone else in my life. It happened because losing Kyle would break me into a million pieces that I could never hope to put back together again. It had happened because I had to try and save him from himself. It happened because I simply didn't know what else to do. I closed my eyes as moisture began to collect. I blinked back the tears that were forming and faced my godson in full force.

"Prime example," I yelled as I recovered. "You thought we were done. But we weren't, we aren't. Not everything is up to you. Things go bump in the night Kyle and they can bump you." I said as I walked away from him, fearing what I might do with what was left with my frustration. I knew my face must have been bright red as I felt hot and flushed. I walked into the kitchen and threw myself against the counter and sent a tumbler that had been sitting there crashing to the floor causing glass shards to fly as it broke apart on the floor.

"Dammit," I exclaimed. "We're not done here, sit down while I clean this up." But before I could even move he had squatted down and was cradling one of the larger pieces in his now bloody hand. "I told you to sit down." I said exasperated. "Let me see," I told him as he held hand out. I gently took the fragment from him and set it on the kitchen table. "It doesn't look like you'll need stitches." I stepped back and grabbed the dishtowel and gave it to him. "Hold this on it and sit down," I said as I not so lightly set him on the chair hoping a quick reminder of his discomfort would be meaningful in some way.

I left him and went to the closet where I kept the first aid supplies among the jumble of towels, sheets and other things we managed to cram in there. I tried to remember to breathe as I pawed through the antibacterial ointment, gauze and bandages. I looked back towards the kitchen and was grateful that he hadn't moved. I grabbed what I needed and headed towards him.

"Let me see," I said as I pulled the towel away. "Let's rinse it off," I told him as I led him by his injured hand to the sink and rinsed off the wound. It was a half inch long towards the heel of his hand. An odd place for a cut in these circumstances. Had he closed his hand on the glass or had he caught it just right for it to do damage? I carefully dried it off and dabbed the ointment on it. "I still have some batman band-aids from when you were younger. But I think you'll need this bigger one," I said as I peeled back the wrapper and smoothed it across the cut. "There, that should do it."

I stood back and took another breath, unsure what to say next when Kyle stepped towards me and pulled me in for an intense hug. He hung onto me for dear life as he began to sob. "I'm sorry," he hiccuped. I held him tightly, my hand tangled in his hair.

"Me too. I just didn't know what else to do. You haven't responded to anything. I wanted, needed, you to understand in no uncertain terms what will happen to you if you don't change the way that you deal with things. I just wanted my message to get across."

"I know," he replied, his head nodding against my chest.

I was still second guessing my methods, but I needed him to hold onto a grain of fear from tonight, something visceral to reflect back on. I tried to step back a bit so I could look at him but he clung even harder so I just stood there and held him. Years ago he had physically hid from me, ignoring my calls as I grew more and more frantic. Recently, he had been hiding emotionally and I wasn't sure if he was ever going to reveal himself completely.

After few moments he loosened his grip and I stepped back from him and held him by his arms and looked him in the eye. "I love you. You know that right?" He nodded, his eyes finding the ground. "Look at me," I told him. His head raised and he gazed in my direction, tears still dripping. "I love you and I'll be damned if I am going to lose you over some stupid, senseless and reckless act. I am going to fight for you, no matter what it takes. Do you understand that?" I waited a beat and finally, he replied.

"Yeah. I'm counting on it."

"Good, because I don't plan on letting you down. Do you think you can try and do the same for me? Try to not let me down?"

"I'll try. I promise. I'll just keep to doing stupid stuff like sneaking out and smoking." He said with a furtive smile, his tears slowing.

I couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, well, your dad can take care of that. Go wash your face and get ready for bed. We're going to talk more about this tomorrow. And then we'll figure out how to explain it Matt."

"Do we have to?" He asked, with hope of keeping it a secret fluttering on his face.

"I think you know the answer to that. Get going, while I clean up the rest of the glass. I'll come in and check on you in a little while. Okay?"

"Okay," he nodded starting towards his room. He stopped and picked up his backpack and cleared his throat. "Kelly." I stopped and looked over at him. "I love you too." He then slung his bag over his shoulder and walked to his room set it down before going into the bathroom.

To be continued...

 _ **Soundtrack:**_

 _ **The builders and butcher bringing home the rain song when they are driving home**_

 _ **Hackensaw Boys Jonah as Kelly begins to yell at Kyle**_


	51. Living on a Thin Line Part III

**Part III**

 **Kyle**

I splashed some water onto my face with my uninjured hand. I looked into the mirror at my red rimmed eyes and tear stained face. I chewed on my lip as I stood and wondered how I always seem to end up in the midst of disaster. But it didn't take much reflection literal or otherwise to know that I had done it to myself.

I went to my room as Kelly was dragging the vacuum cleaner out of the closet in order to get the last glistening pieces of glass from the kitchen floor. I shut the door behind me as the hum of the machine kicked in. I wasn't sure which was bothering me more, the throb in my hand or the fact that my butt felt like I was sitting on a bee hive. I was glad that I hadn't come across the business end of that hand in a while. But I was mature enough to appreciate his efforts. I knew it wasn't easy for him or perhaps it was just a reaction to the pure frustration that I had offered up. It was easy to parent when things were going well, but not so much when your charge was constantly breaking the rules. He took an action he had no desire to take and if there was ever a question of his love it could be put to rest once and for all.

The cut was intentional. I hadn't been cutting, the habit I had picked up after my summer rendezvous with Camden, but like an addict, I was struggling without it. I saw an opportunity and seized it. The piece was perfect for my needs, a big enough sliver with a very sharp point. It only took a second to slice and separate my skin. As I watched the blood flow, I felt as I could breathe again. That along with Kelly's retribution simplified all that had been confusing.

When he pulled me close, I froze. It hadn't been that long ago that I had been held down, with no hope of breaking free. I felt so powerless and I knew Kelly was trying to humiliate me, making me feel small, but his was an act of love, in hopes that this might be the one thing that I understood and might prevent me from further trouble. If only it had been done months ago, perhaps I wouldn't have fallen victim to a man with such painful and ill intentions. Now I was forever held hostage by his actions.

As I kicked off my shoes and shed my sweatpants, I vaguely recalled Kelly's punishment from all those years ago and realized I hadn't hidden from him since. Well not until tonight, but technically I was running from him, but I guess that's a form of hiding. Most of the hiding I was doing now, would never be seen. It was a silence, never to be heard, never to be shared. It was mine and mine alone and it had to stay that way. There were a thousand things in my head that I wish I hadn't seen, hadn't experienced, but I did, I had, and now they were my daily companions. There was so much to say, but nobody was allowed to listen. What was left of me underneath these scars?

I looked up at the picture on my dresser taken at the annual firefighter picnic of me in-between Kelly and my dad. We all smiled, looked happy, but was I? And if I didn't know, how would anybody else. I saw the book that held the note from Camden and remembered the burner phone he had had delivered to my locker at the beginning of the school year. I kept it inside of my left hockey skate, which was in the back of my closet. The pair had somehow survived the fire. Maybe because they were in a duffle bag under my bed. The smoke and water had little effect on them. I opened the closet door and rummaged around until I found the phone. I had turned it off since I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone in his circle or God forbid, Camden himself. But for some reason, I hadn't trashed the offering of communication. Maybe, just maybe a conversation was in order.

We had been talking about risk versus reward in school. And I surely wouldn't have gone through what I had if given the choice. But it had happened and maybe something good could come from it. If somehow I could use my experience to do some good—well then—well maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to carry. I had promised not to fall and had had a very difficult time upholding that commitment. But now, now if I could reap some kind of benefits from it—then perhaps I could see my attack as more a sacrifice to be paid for later. If I could do that, then just maybe I could survive, silently or otherwise.

I powered the phone on and pulled the note from its hiding spot in the book. It promised the possibility of good things if I proved my worth with my silence. I, so far, had held up my end of the bargain. Would he? There was one number programmed and I pulled the keyboard and began to type.

 _ **"Hey, this is your young friend from this summer."**_ I looked at it and deleted it. I went for something simpler. _**"Is this how I get a hold of Michael?"**_

Since it was two o'clock in the morning I didn't expect an answer for several hours. But I had barely set the phone down when the response came. _**"Yes."**_

I guess it's true that the devil never sleeps. I began to type. _**"I need his help. There's a problem in front of Firehouse 51. Make them go away for good. He promised something in exchange for my cooperation in our deal. This is what I want."**_

I tried to keep it vague. I was hoping he would know what I meant without the specifics. I waited ten seconds after my words were sent on their way before a thumbs up sign came back. Maybe something good could come from this after all. I desperately needed it to be true. I never want to believe someone is all bad. But I also never wanted to believe that I would become a victim so many times in one year. Things can so often be unbelievable, shades of every color, a rainbow of hues that could never be fully understood.

I heard the vacuum being put away and then Kelly in the bathroom. I shut the phone down as my heart began to pound. I shoved it back into the skate and hid the whole bundle underneath odds and ends typical of adolescent closet. I then turned off the light and climbed into bed as I heard the shower come on. Kelly, washing off the smell of smoke, sweat and frustration. I was the cause of at least one of those things if not two.

I lay awake, fixated on what the phone may or may not reveal. Was there even a chance that my efforts had any kind of hope? Was I delusional to think that a text could fix anything? That Camden was powerful enough to control the city while behind bars? And if he was, would he even care what I wanted, or remember who I was? Sure he had reached out to me, but was that just one more way to control me? I was participating in a game where I was a pawn, but I didn't even know what the board looked like or what the rules were. If there were any rules at all.

I tried to relax as I heard the shower stop. I took deep breaths and tried to hold my tears inside. I was exhausted inside and out and wasn't sure how much longer I could hold it all together. I was haunted by a ghost that had torn through my life like a poltergeist.

I heard the door open and quiet steps towards my bed. I pretended to be asleep as Kelly, smelling of Irish Spring and anguish, pulled the blanket up a fraction of an inch towards my chin. He then brushed some stray hairs across my forehead and sighed. His fingers lingered on my temple and I heard him whisper, "I'd do anything for you, you know that, because I just did, I gave you everything I had. But I won't mourn you, I can't, so please stop because I can't lose you too." As he left, the tears I had been holding in spilled out. "I won't leave you, I promise." I whispered back to an empty room.

Two days later my dad came home. We hadn't told him about had transpired that night at 51. Kelly figured it would be better to do it in person and together. As we expected my actions didn't go over well. I endured a lengthy lecture/tongue lashing in typical Matt Casey fashion. Lot's of frustration mixed in with disbelief, blue eyes wide and hand running through his hair. He went over everything Kelly had already told me and ended up being a huge fan of his method of discipline, only upset that he hadn't taken it further.

Of course I was sentenced to at least a month of grounding, the actual length depending on my attitude and actions I also would be assigned extra chores and it was explained that if I was told to jump, I better damn well ask how high and then ask if I could do it again. I was also reminded that there could easily be more discipline in my future if I chose to stray even the least little bit or if my contrition wasn't profound enough. Sanctions including, but not limited to, losing my bedroom door, repainting the living room, washing the vehicles and my butt being turned several different shades of purple. It was then as the words, flustered and agitated rattled around in the room, that I realized I had gone too far. Neither Kelly or my father were proponents of corporal punishment, yet here we were, with the deed having been done and threatened once more. I had pushed them well past their comfort zone, but they willingly left it behind because they were desperate to make me stop and understand my reckless ways. That I had to stop taking risks for the actions of others. They felt as if I was worth fighting for, even as I remained mute as to what my fight was about. Perhaps it was punishment I was looking for, if I suffered enough perhaps it would absolve me from my sins of allowing myself to become a victim.

The story of what had happened to me was mine to tell and perhaps they deserved to know what had put us all here in this swirl of constant rebellion and reaction. But did I deserve to tell them? They tore down their own personal safety nets to unleash what they hoped would rescue me from a cage that I continued to create as I sought forgiveness for something that I wasn't at fault for, yet at the same time I could never share or let go. As my father's tirade continued I thought back to one quote that I had recently latched onto by Friedrich Nietzsche speaking about gazing into an abyss and the abyss looking back at you. It didn't take a genius to know just who the abyss was in this scenario. Was my life forever going to rotate around a man that had taken so very much from me in more ways that I could ever fathom? Would I just simply fall into that abyss, with nobody around me able to understand why? They gave me their best effort and in return the most I could offer was my silence, because that what was best for us all. Life was suddenly like a glass of water that had been poisoned by one man and one act and now I had to drink it and pretend it tasted fine.

I looked up as my dad roared his symphony of shouts and tangle of words, wishing I could go back in time and save us all from this. But I couldn't, because if I could, I would go much further back than two nights ago. I turned my head to see Kelly, standing as casually as the circumstances would allow, his arms crossed, leaning against the wall, unsure whether to give me looks of solace or contempt. Even I didn't know which I deserved, but then I guess in the end I was getting everything that I had rightfully earned.

After a few days of holding my breath every time I unearthed the phone only to find it void of any type of response, I went to the firehouse to find it clear of any strange gang members. I didn't get too excited as it was possible that they were merely on their lunch break, even drug dealers seemed to respect labor laws. I had been waiting, wishing that whatever power Camden still held over the city would be used on behalf of my request. I would even close my eyes tightly as if it would make my wish stronger. I had found myself straddling a line, involved more than anyone knew in the adult world but still clutching my childlike wonder and hope with me. But when I went inside and asked Cruz if he knew anything about their absence, he was full of information and it gave me reason to smile.

"They disappeared a couple of shifts ago. First shift said they were gone and are still gone now, days later. It was like someone snapped their fingers and made them disappear. Chief called the CPD, asked them if they did anything. They said they hadn't done anything differently. In fact, hadn't been down here since that night that Kelly hauled you out of here. I think they were gone that next day.

"Who knows what happened, but I'm just glad that it did." He finished.

I headed back to the kitchen, the corners of my mouth turning up in the first genuine smile I had enjoyed in a very long time. My mother's father—the title grandfather indicated a bond that had never formed —had told me once during a brief visit that the best instruction he had ever been offered was to always have hope without expectations, that way you are never disappointed. I found that it was probably some of the best advice I had ever received.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed an apple from the basket on the counter and sat down at the table. Weeks ago in an effort for privacy I had gone to the library to research the topic of rape where nobody could trace it back to me and uncomfortable questions would most definitely follow. It took me weeks to gain the courage to even attempt it and as my fingers hovered over the keyboard they shook, whether out of fear, anger, or shame I wasn't sure. It took me several moments of making a fist and relaxing my hands before I could actually type the word, because once I did it would become real. But I finally managed to type those four letters and what I discovered was that the act was often more about power and control than sex. Now, I just had to find out whether or not my reaching out to Camden empowered me or simply shifted even more influence to him. And as I sat thinking and wondering, my smile faded as quickly as it had formed.

I heard the guys moving around in the background as I sat in my own private world. Life had felt so much like this lately—I was in and around the world, but no longer actively a part of it. As I sat, my father's words bounced around in my head, as did Kelly's. They were both right, pointing out to me all of my flaws and what they could and would lead to if I didn't watch my actions. In fact they were right in more ways than they would ever know.

I couldn't undo what I had done, or what was done to me. After his tirade my dad knelt down and looked me in the eye as I sat there and told me that he would do anything for me, whether I welcomed it or not, just as Kelly had whispered when he had believed I was asleep. He then hugged me tightly and as I absorbed the power of his love I looked over at Kelly who nodded and made realize that I had plenty to hold onto. I was lucky enough to still find love in times of hate and that is what I needed to dwell on, to remember and hold close.

One day I would tell them what had happened to me—about the act that put me in this place of despair that I had been forced to deal with all alone. They deserved that much and one day when Camden was dead, I would tell them the truth—it would all come out, I would make sure of it, even if I had to kill him myself.

To be continued...

Soundtrack: Under Your Scars by Godsmack


End file.
